by Nicola Marsh
She’d left the hotel not long after Flynn and skipped breakfast, so taking the first sip of an extra strong espresso made her sigh with pleasure as she watched commuters hurry down Sydney’s busy streets.
She rarely had time to sit in a café, savoring a coffee and she smiled behind her glass. A smile that quickly faded as she caught sight of Flynn strolling out of a building opposite, next to a woman in uniform.
They chatted for a while, his relaxed posture and genuine smile at complete odds with how rigid he’d been with her earlier.
There was nothing remotely sexual about the encounter and his smart salute, echoed by the woman, reinforced what he’d said: a business meeting with his commander.
That wasn’t what had her clutching the table until her fingernails were in danger of splitting.
Uh-uh, it was the ecstatic expression that took years off his battle-weary face.
She’d never seen him look like that; at least, not with her and at that moment, all her secret dreams, all her deepest wishes, shattered.
While she loved Flynn, she couldn’t compete with his first love.
The army was his life, his joy, and she’d never take that away from him. Or heaven forbid, make him choose.
She’d come so close to doing it once before … never again. For Adam’s sake, she’d maintain a friendship, putting a dampener on her feelings once and for all.
Besides, she’d seen what playing mistress to the army could do to a woman and she never wanted to end up like her mom. Constantly on edge, stressed and pining for a man who’d never give up his vocation no matter what the incentive.
Flynn may be nothing like the colonel but would he change too, being “trapped” in a family situation? And if they gave a relationship a chance, how long before he resented her? She didn’t want to live like that, knowing the guy she loved wasn’t one hundred percent happy. She wouldn’t do it to him, couldn’t do it to herself.
As Flynn hoisted his duffle onto his shoulder and signaled a taxi, an extra spring in his step as he sprinted down the road to catch one, she knew she’d made the right decision despite her aching heart.
Lori braced for Jane’s incoming hug as her friend squeezed the life out of her before releasing and holding her at arm’s length.
“So, how did it go?”
“Good.”
Lori spun away and dumped her overnight bag on the floor before Jane saw the bleakness in her eyes, something no amount of eye make-up could erase despite the uncharacteristic lashings of mascara she’d used on the plane.
“Just good?”
Jane wouldn’t let this go and with a sigh, Lori straightened, knowing the exact moment when Jane caught sight of her expression.
“Oh, honey, come have a cuppa and tell me everything.”
She didn’t need tea, she needed to dive into bed and not re-emerge for a week but with the boys almost finished with their cricket game in the backyard and Adam guaranteed to barrel straight into her arms the moment he caught sight of her, she couldn’t hide no matter how much she wanted to.
“Adam’s good?”
“Adam’s an angel as always.” Jane bustled around the kitchen, placing mugs and teaspoons onto a tray. “Something I told you on the phone when you rang last night and again this morning.”
Jane glanced over her shoulder and frowned. “I knew something was up when you rang early this morning when you should’ve been holed up in bed with his dad.”
Bed … Flynn …
Lori blinked the images away but not before her heart gave a traitorous leap.
“Here, get this into you.”
Jane shoved a steaming mug of hot chocolate complete with marshmallows stacked three deep toward her.
“By the sounds of it, you need the sugar hit rather than tea.”
“Thanks.”
Jane didn’t press and Lori took her time, savoring the silky sweetness sliding down her throat, the first time since this morning’s espresso she’d been able to eat or drink anything. Difficult to squeeze anything past the huge lump in her throat.
“The boys will be in any minute.”
Lori managed a feeble smile. “Subtle.”
Jane placed her coffee mug on the table, threw up her hands. “Hey, I’ve waited this long, you have to give me something.”
What could Lori say? She loved Flynn, that last night cemented that love, a love that may not be one-sided but wasn’t strong enough to sustain them?
She shrugged. “Flynn and I will always be close and I’m glad I went to Sydney … ”
“But?”
“But that’s as far as it goes.”
Jane frowned. “I don’t get it.”
“Neither do I — ”
“Hey, Mom, you’re back. Awesome.”
As Adam burst through the back door, raced across the kitchen and flung himself into her arms, Lori buried her nose in her son’s hair, inhaled the familiar comforting scent of fresh outdoors and citrus shampoo, and struggled not to cry.
Sensing her distress, Jane clapped her hands. “How would you boys like nachos and chocolate milkshakes on the back porch?”
Adam slid out of her arms and she folded them to stop from reaching out to him and pulling him close again. Her beautiful boy was the reason she did anything these days and for him she’d suck up the pain of not having Flynn love her enough. She’d welcome him into their lives despite every instinct pushing her to run in the opposite direction, as far from the sexy soldier as she could get.
“Is that okay, Mom?”
“Sure, sweetheart. Head back out, I’ll be there shortly with your snacks.”
Adam’s crinkly smile wrapped around her heart, cradled it.
“You’re the best. Thanks.”
Racing out the back door, he yelled, “Hey Chris, nachos and milkshakes coming up. How awesome is that?”
When the screen door slammed shut, Jane bustled around the kitchen, giving Lori time to compose herself. No mean feat, considering her friend would be busting to continue the interrogation.
“Thanks, Jane.”
“For?”
“Letting me off the hook.”
Jane snorted as she liberally sprinkled cheese over corn chips and refried beans in a deep dish. “I’m not. I’m giving you extra time to remember every teensy-weensy detail before you regale me with envy-inducing tales of your sex-capade in Sydney.”
“Ssh. The boys might hear.”
Jane quirked a brow. “They’re in the far corner of the yard playing cricket so not buying that excuse either. You ready to spill yet?”
Lori mumbled a noncommittal response as Jane slid the dish into the oven and set about making the milkshakes.
After dumping the milk carton on the bench, Jane paused, cupped a hand behind her ear.
“Sorry, didn’t quite hear that. You say something?”
Smiling, Lori stood and joined Jane at the bench. “Spending time with Flynn in Sydney was great but there won’t be a repeat.”
Jane’s eyes widened. “So you did … you know … ”
Lori nodded and Jane let out a loud whoop. “Good for you.”
Ultimately, it wasn’t good for her but she’d never regret what they’d shared last night, how incredible being in Flynn’s arms made her feel.
“Why no repeat?”
Lori dashed chocolate syrup into two tall glasses, added the milk and whisked with a spoon. “Because fundamentally nothing has changed.”
Jane frowned. “I don’t get it.”
“I didn’t want a relationship with him six years ago because of the army and I still feel the same way.”
Her hand picked up tempo as she whisked, her annoyance level rising. “I saw him in Sydney, sheer coincidence, meeting with his commander. He looked … ”
“What?”
“Happy. Really, truly happy. I’ve never seen him look like that.”
“Even with you?”
“Especially with me.”
She droppe
d the spoon with a clatter as the first tear rolled down her cheek and splashed into her hand.
“Hey, don’t cry.”
Jane pulled her into her a hug and Lori let her, but not for long. She didn’t have time for tears or self-pity. She had a hungry boy waiting outside to spend some quality time with his mom and that’s all that mattered.
“Thanks, but I’m fine.”
Wisely, Jane said nothing, picked up the milkshakes and headed for the back door, bumping it open with her hip. She paused on the threshold, sent her a searching look. “You sure about this?”
Lori nodded, wishing with all her heart she was wrong but knowing otherwise. She’d seen the evidence and along with her gut instinct, knew without a doubt the army would always be Flynn’s first love.
And she’d be no one’s seconds, ever.
Flynn arrived on Lori’s doorstep with her favorite flowers, the huge crimson gerberas she’d always loved. The news would be all over Richmond tomorrow, how he’d emptied the local florist of every last bloom and ordered a bunch to be delivered to her house every day over the next week.
Not that he cared about the gossip. Now he was a free man he had every intention of letting the world know he was courting Lori Ballantine and wanted her to marry him.
He’d almost gone ahead and bought the ring in Sydney but had stopped at the last minute. Though he’d known her innermost thoughts years ago it had been a long time and he wanted to do this right. He didn’t know her taste in jewelry these days and he’d rather they shared the experience of choosing a ring together.
He shook his head, hating this confusion. In the army, he’d known where he stood with clear-cut rules and regulations, with discipline and comradeship. His life had been neat and tidy, then Lori had re-entered his life and turned everything on its head.
Not that he regretted a moment of it: Adam, their reigniting relationship, leaving the army. There was a time for everything and he’d paid his dues.
Now, this time was his.
Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door. Pounding footsteps echoed in the hallway before the door swung open and his son looked up at him, a huge smile splitting his freckled face.
“Hi, Dad, you’re back. Did you bring me anything?”
“Hey champ.”
He bent down and enveloped Adam in a hug, knowing it would take a lifetime of thanks to the big guy upstairs to half-way make up for the gift he now held in his arms.
Adam pulled back, stared at the flowers in his hand and wrinkled his nose.
“Don’t like flowers. I prefer model airplanes. Or computer games.”
His son slipped his hand into his and dragged him inside. “But don’t worry about it. You’re new at this dad stuff, you’ll get used to it.”
Flynn stifled a grin. “Thanks, Son. Is your mom home?”
“No, she’s not.” A censured voice came from the lounge room. Flynn glanced up in surprise and met Jane’s disapproving glare. He raised an eyebrow, unable to ask where her attitude was coming from while Adam was in the room.
“Sweetie, why don’t you go to your room and boot up the computer and I’ll be in soon and you can show me that latest game you’ve downloaded?”
Jane’s voice had softened somewhat but the angry look she shot him hadn’t.
“Dad, do you want to see it too?”
Adam looked up at him with the gray eyes so like his own, their eager expression imploring him to listen and tugging at his heart.
“I’d love to but I can’t right now. I need to see your mom.”
Adam grinned, a cheeky smile that lit his face. “I knew those flowers were for her all along. I was just teasing. They’re her favorite, you know.”
He smiled back. “I know.”
A slight frown appeared between Adam’s brows. “But how come you’re here when she’s gone to the training school to see you?”
“She has?”
That surprised him. She’d never visited him there apart from the one time she’d popped in wearing that cute little camouflage number and done her damnedest to seduce him.
Adam nodded. “Yep. You better go see her before those flowers die.”
“Good advice.”
He ruffled Adam’s hair, sent a quizzical glance Jane’s way which she ignored, and headed out the door, trying to subdue the niggle of doubt that had sprouted the minute Jane had spoken.
Lori’s friend hadn’t been happy about something and she’d made it more than obvious it involved him.
His gut instincts had kept him alive on more than one occasion on the front line and right now, those instincts were screaming he was about to step on a landmine.
Lori surveyed the obstacle course and chose a pile of old tires as a seat. She’d expected Flynn to be here as she’d rung Michael to double-check when he’d be back. Instead, she’d arrived to find the training school empty. She’d flipped open her mobile to call him when he’d texted her: STAY PUT, C U SOON. FLYNN
No x, no little cyber kiss to show he cared. A petty, insignificant observation, especially when they’d been exchanging texts about Adam for a while and he’d never added an X. But in her state of mind, the absence of that stupid X was indicative of everything about their relationship: she cared too much, him not enough.
She paced the grounds for fifteen minutes, hoping to clear her head and stay in control for the inevitable awkwardness of the confrontation ahead. She needed this to go smoothly for Adam’s sake. However, her stroll didn’t ease her nerves. If anything, the longer it took for Flynn to show up, the more wound up she got.
“Hi.”
She hadn’t heard him sneak up on her and she spun around and glared. Must be the army training. Maybe he could put more of that training to good use when she fired both barrels at him, sending him running for cover.
“We need to talk.”
“Uh-oh, sounds ominous.”
To her amazement, he smiled and despite her intention to confront him, her belly quivered in recognition at the power he held over her.
“Before you talk and I listen, I brought you these.” He revealed a huge bunch of deep crimson gerberas from behind his back and presented them to her with a flourish.
“Thanks, they’re lovely.” She buried her nose in the blooms, momentarily weakened in the face of his thoughtful gesture. However, the image of his expression when he saluted his commander flashed across her mind, solidifying her resolve.
She straightened and let the gerberas fall to her side. “We need to set the boundaries of our friendship so Adam isn’t confused.”
Surprise arched his brows. “Friendship? Don’t you think we’ve moved way past that — ”
“Things got a little confused for a while but I think we need to ensure we’re on the same page for Adam’s sake.” She steadied her voice with effort, preferring icy coolness to hotheaded theatrics. Losing her temper wouldn’t help. Nothing would. She knew the score, had known it all along, but had foolishly deluded herself into believing they could make things work.
Not any more.
He ran his hand through his hair, which had grown since he’d first returned to Richmond. She preferred it this way to the short back and sides the army obviously demanded — not that her preferences had ever meant anything to him.
“I have no idea where these clichés are coming from. Setting boundaries? Same page? What’s going on, Lori?”
“You tell me.”
The instant the angry retort spilled from her lips she wished she could take it back. She didn’t want him to talk, she wanted him to listen.
“Look, I think what happened in Sydney was a mistake, my fault entirely because I sprung that visit on you, but what happened between us will only complicate our situation and that ultimately affects Adam. So we should cool it. Maintain a friendship. That sort of thing … ” she eventually ran out of puff, his somber expression not flickering during her tirade.
“You finished?”
She gnawed on her bott
om lip, nodded.
“Good, because listen up.”
He stepped into her personal space, close enough she could feel the heat radiating off him.
“You’re a great mom and from what I’ve seen you always put Adam first so there’s no chance in hell you would’ve come to Sydney unless you wanted to be with me. The Lori I know never did impulsive stuff like that so it must’ve really meant something. Am I right?”
She focused on the third shirt button of his shirt, desperate to hide the truth in her eyes.
Tipping her chin up, she had no option but to meet his probing stare, saw the moment he recognized every tumultuous emotion in her eyes.
“I said we’d talk when I got back to Melbourne. What happened? Why don’t you trust me?”
Because every person she’d ever trusted in her life had let her down: her mom, her dad, and most of all, the guy she’d given her heart to a decade earlier.
“It doesn’t matter.”
She brushed his hand away, stepped back. “We both agree it’s important you’re in Adam’s life. Let’s concentrate on that for now and — ”
“Lori, listen to me — ”
“No, you listen to me. You can’t just waltz back into my life and expect me to be the same person, pining away while you do your he-man stuff in some godforsaken place on the opposite end of the earth. I’ve changed. We both have and we can’t go back.”
Sorrow down turned his mouth as he reached out, laid a hand on her arm.
“I want to move forward, not look back.”
She stared at his hand, the strong fingers, the blunt nails, remembering how he’d caressed her, cherished her … all an illusion.
Shrugging off his hand, she shook her head. “Nothing has changed.”
She didn’t understand his benign expression. “Everything has changed.”
He grabbed her arms, holding on so tight she couldn’t move.
“I’ve left the army.”
“What?”
Her mouth dropped open and he chuckled. “That’s why I was in Sydney. I’ve officially resigned my commission.”
“Why?”
Softening his grip, he brushed a thumb across her cheek.
“Isn’t it obvious?”
A wave of hope swept over her, buoying her up for an exquisite moment before plummeting her down just as quickly.
