by Becky Wicks
More coconuts are added. I draw in a breath but don’t let it shake me.
Joshua’s legs are wobbling. I hear him let out a groan. I stay deathly still as he attempts to adjust his pole, but he loses his footing. He’s balancing precariously on the edge of his podium. ‘Joshua’s weakening,’ Ed informs us and my heart thumps manically. What?
‘You can do this, Joshua! Come on!’ Jaxx yells at him from the sidelines, but as another coconut is added to either end of his basket, the pole slides down one shoulder and topples to the floor. My heart leaps. What the hell? Did I actually beat Joshua?
He curses loudly, jumping to the sand, ramming his hands to his head over the bandana. Guess I did.
A gong sounds out and echoes through my skull. Everyone cheers and screams and whoops, except Joshua, who’s on his knees now, bent over, forehead and palms on the sand. I drop my pole, half triumphantly, half in shock and panic. He really looks like he’s in pain.
‘Alyssa, congratulations!’ Ed’s hurrying over to me with another camera. My arms are numb. My eyes are on Joshua. Shan’s shouting now, running up to me, taking my hands, jumping up and down on the spot. I almost fall onto him, I’m so weak.
‘Alyssa,’ Ed says. ‘Well done, great job, the prize is yours.’ He stops, holds up a hand to stop everyone talking. ‘Before you claim it, however, we’re going to offer you a choice.’
I look to where Joshua is standing up now, hands to his head. As the others stay crowding round me I see him walk back to the bench, where he sits down and watches us, swiping at his face, muscles strained. His shoulders are scratched. He’s dripping in sweat – we all are – but more than that, there’s a sadness about him that almost pulls me over like a magnet.
Wait a second – did Ed say a choice?
Ed’s holding a cell phone out at me. ‘You can call a loved one, right now,’ he says, putting an arm around my shoulders. My skin stings at his touch. He forces me to look into the camera. ‘Anyone you choose, Alyssa. Mom, sister, best friend. Sebastian?’
My eyebrows knot as his last word. Sebastian? Was that necessary?
‘Then, you and one other member of your team can head to the waterfall for your extravagant picnic. And let me tell you, it’s extravagant. You can spend the night there in total comfort. Or…’
Ed trails off, looks at me. ‘Or… you can sacrifice your phone call.’ He lifts his arm, drops the phone back into his shirt pocket. ‘You can sacrifice the food… the lobster, the cheese plate, the trifle. You can sacrifice the camp out and the massage for two, and opt instead to finally give the rest of your team their swimsuits and invite everyone for a refreshing afternoon at the waterfall. Alyssa, the choice is yours.’
Oh, crap.
Everyone’s fallen silent. Journey’s eyes are pleading. She’s been in her bra since day one and I know Mia is getting sick to death of sweating the days away in her kaftan, just to protect her modesty. Shan too needs to stop swimming in his see-through G-A-Y-fronts, for all of our sakes. My heart speeds up again. This is so cruel. More than any of the other stuff, I want to talk to Chloe.
I glance at Joshua in his bandana, the jeans slashed to the knees. My heart pangs as I catch that look in his eyes again; the one I can’t read. The one I spend my nights trying to decipher and then go to sleep and dream about. Actually. Do I really want to know what else is happening out there?
Projections. It’s all just projections. Joshua was right when he said that this is all that’s real now. However messed up it is, I love our world already. I love not having a schedule or deadlines or headlines written about me. I love the innocence and excitement of getting to know people properly, fully, without phones or emails or miscommunication. I love waking up to the sound of the ocean, learning how to fish, climbing frickin’ trees in pants that just weeks ago I was wearing in boardroom meetings, dreaming of escape. I love being free. I wanted an adventure and now I’m having one, on my terms.
I straighten my back. ‘Well,’ I say, looking at Ed and then back to the camera for effect. ‘We do still have some leftover snake. So I guess we don’t really need any trifle.’
18
Joshua
‘I’ve been single for a long time. I don’t think I’m the dating kind,’ Stephanie says.
Myself, Alyssa, Stephanie and Jaxx are floating in the turquoise water at the bottom of the falls. The tell-us-a-secret thing is on again and everyone’s agreed to share; everyone but Punk, that is, who’s still at the top of the falls with Mia, looking down on us.
‘How long exactly have you been single?’ Jaxx asks Stephanie as she flips to her back and floats with her face to the sky.
‘Too long,’ she says.
‘How long?’
‘Leave her alone,’ Alyssa tells him, splashing him. She rolls her eyes at me and I smile, though I’ve been ignoring her since we got to the falls. I don’t know what to make of what happened during the challenge and I know she wants to talk about it. On the walk here, down a path that was always blocked before, she pulled me aside, asked if I was OK. She’s the closest person to me here, but even so, how can I tell her I’m far from OK?
‘I’ve never had a boyfriend,’ Stephanie says.
Jaxx is staring at her like she just told him she lives on Mars. ‘You’ve, uh, you’ve done other things with guys though, right?’
Alyssa slaps his bare shoulder. ‘Watch your mouth, that’s none of your business!’
Hey!’ he yells, splashing her and sending an entire second waterfall over us. ‘I was just asking!’
‘I guess I’ve gone PG-13,’ Stephanie says. ‘I’ve been waiting for the right guy. So far he hasn’t come along.’
‘How do you know?’
‘I like to think I’ll know when I know, Jaxx,’ she replies, shoving her wet bangs aside and standing back up in the shallows. Alyssa leans backwards now, starts to float. Her nose and toes point up to the sky with her hipbones and breasts. Her body stretches out in the milky blue water in front of me and not for the first time lately I force my arms not to reach under her and around her.
If they hadn’t twisted shit up at the last second and forced her to help the team this morning instead of claiming that prize herself, I know Alyssa would’ve chosen me to spend the night alone. And I would have gone. Screw the consequences. I know my head’s getting more fried the more the days go by but when Ed Bernstein mentioned feather pillows and gourmet food my brain went straight to pinning her down in a tent by her hands and licking chocolate off her body till she screamed for mercy.
Part of me is pissed we missed out on that possibility, but I’m even more mad I failed at getting that damn phone call. I need to speak to Evan – especially after what just happened to me. I can block everything else out here, like I always fucking do, but I can't hide from the cameras. I need for him to tell me that won't happen again.
Jaxx is still talking. 'So, you’ve never liked anyone enough to even keep dating them?’
‘My parents died in a car-wreck when I was sixteen. I had to deal with my brothers – they were torn up bad, you know?’ Stephanie tells him. ‘We all were, but David was nine and Cory was twelve. I never had much time for dating. Besides, I didn’t want anyone to expect too much. I didn’t have much to give.’
Alyssa gets to her feet in the water, reaches out a hand to her shoulder. I let out a sigh through my nostrils. Damn. Now I hate myself. I’ll admit, I’ve judged Stephanie from the moment I met her. Maybe we all have – she was a silly blond, sweet but with no real substance. The production team probably gave her the daisy dukes, same as they gave Punk his nerdy sweater vest; told them both to play their parts.
‘I’m doing this for my brothers,’ Stephanie’s saying now. ‘I have to be a success for them. They’re living with our aunt right now but if I win I want to move us all to Nashville. I want to make it as a singer. Or at least, I want to try.’
‘You don’t need a million dollar prize to do this,’ Alyssa tells her. ‘Why ca
n’t you go to Nashville anyway, if your brothers are with your aunt? I’m sure they’d support you…’
‘That’d be selfish! I need to stay with them. I need to move us all together. I can’t split us up.’ I notice Stephanie’s wrapping her fingers round her half-guitar pendant the whole time she’s talking, like it’s some kind of cross.
‘I can’t believe you’ve never…’ Jaxx fades out and I shoot him a look. The jock's still hung up on the fact she’s a virgin after what she just said. He can’t believe someone like Stephanie has never been with a guy. OK, so I’m a little surprised myself - Stephanie’s never been afraid to flirt, put it that way. She’s been flirting with him all week.
‘I trust God to get me through,’ she says suddenly. ‘He had his reasons for doing what he did. He’s gonna show me the way.’
My insides twist. Jaxx looks confused. ‘You think God took your parents away?’
‘Of course he did.’ Stephanie says. ‘I don’t know why but I guess he had a plan. I just have to trust in that.’
‘It’s a common misconception that someone else is in charge of our lives,’ I hear myself saying before I can stop. ‘It stops us taking responsibility for our own shit.’
As soon as the words come out I regret it. ‘Joshua,’ Alyssa starts, but Stephanie’s blue eyes are icy in an instant.
‘What do you mean, our own shit?’ she says.
‘I mean, sometimes bad shit just happens,’ I tell her. ‘Pretending there’s a reason, or that it’s all just part of someone else’s master plan? It’s naïve. Everyone fades and dies Stephanie.’
‘What would you know?’ she says now, and Alyssa’s hand is around my wrist underwater to silence me. I yank it away, feeling my nerves bristle even more. The camera guy on the kayak paddles closer. They love when people discuss God on this show; it gets people mad, or talking, or both. It gets the ratings up.
I can’t be here. I turn around and cut through the water. It takes me all of ten seconds to reach the tiny beach. ‘Where’re you going, spider monkey?’ Shan calls after me from the sand. ‘Can you fetch me a gin and tonic?’
I ignore him, make my way back along the path towards the challenge pitch and then the camp. I pass the goat, chomping on rice, the rocks, and at the last minute I head for Karin’s sand couch. The tide is in. I sit down on it, put my throbbing head between my hands. I’ve had a headache all day. The water’s almost sweeping the bottom. Ghost crabs scuttle around my feet. I pull my legs up, lay across the cool compacted sand on my back, look up at the sky.
When I open my eyes again I’m staring into the twilight. For a minute I can’t remember where the hell I am but as I rub at my face, Alyssa appears, looking down at me. ‘There you are. What happened?’ she ventures, leaning over me in nothing but her bikini. I study her lips, say nothing for a moment.
‘What time is it?’ I ask her.
‘Who cares? Why did you storm off like that?’
‘I can’t talk about God, Alyssa. Not with those people.’ I pull myself up, put my feet on the ground, feeling all my muscles tense again at the subject. ‘The squeezing into churches, closing my eyes and praying, talking to some old bearded guy in the sky like’s he’s actually going to listen and give a shit? Are you serious?’
‘She wasn’t talking about that…’
‘She would have, once she started.’
‘Why are you so angry? She can believe what she wants, Joshua.’
‘I’m not saying she can’t, I just don’t want to hear it. No one’s going to save me, Alyssa…’
‘Save you?’
I bite my cheeks, look to the floor. ‘No one but myself.’
Alyssa sits down beside me, looks at me through narrowed eyes. I’m sounding like an asshole, I know, and I hate it, but faith just leads to disappointment and people talking like that stopped making sense a long time ago. ‘You want to talk about reincarnation, and souls, I can deal with that,’ I tell her. ‘We go away, we make choices, we come back. It’s all us. But one god - one deciding force?’
‘Joshua,’ she says quietly, looking around us, ‘you know better than to go there on this show. We can talk about these things on our own. Why do you care so much, anyway? I’ve never seen you this mad about anything…’
‘I’m sorry.’ I suck in air through my nose, reach for her hand. I bring it to my lips impulsively without looking at her. I’m sorry,’ I say again into her fingers. Then I drop it, stand up and walk to the shoreline. The stars are out now; the rocks we usually sit on are hiding us from the rest of the beach.
‘What’s going on with you?’ she says, following me. ‘What happened today? I’ve been trying to figure out how I won that challenge.’
‘You’re stronger than you think,’ I tell her, but I don’t meet her eyes. I say too much when she’s beside me and I’m still struggling to process what happened myself. The producers let it go, after I told the cameras I was tired and hungry and unbalanced in every sense of the word. But could Alyssa really tell it was more than me just losing my grip on that pole back there? Could anyone else tell?
I focus on the ocean, drop down to the sand on my toes. She crouches down beside me, puts a hand on my knee as the waves wash around our feet. ‘You looked like you were in pain,’ she says, pushing her damp hair behind her ears.
I pull away.
‘Joshua.’ She moves in front of me, blocking the view, puts both hands on both my shoulders. ‘Tell me.’
‘I lost, to a girl,’ I say.
‘Lies, emotional drifter, it’s more than that.’
I lift my head. Her eyes are imploring, her bronzed face is almost glowing, even in the twilight. Her chest is right in front of me and her mind is a goddam razor. It’s too much. She's driving me crazy. Before she can say any more I lean into her, reach for the back of her neck, crash my lips to hers.
Alyssa's palms are on my chest instantly as she falls into me on her knees. I pull her further to me, till I’m rolling to my back and she’s on top of me, arms around my shoulders, straddling me with her legs. My head’s on the sand now. I move my hands to her hair and grip it in fistfuls as our tongues start wrapping around each other’s, hungrily. I draw a breath sharply as her hips and stomach flatten to mine. The sand highlights every movement we make with friction and scratches and I can't stop kissing her. Damn, the cameras.
I pull my head away suddenly, roll up with my abs and look around us. ‘Where are they?’ she asks breathlessly, reading my mind, following my gaze to the tree line. She’s clenching a hand to the back of my neck and I can feel her nails. Her crotch is pressed against my hard-on now and my mind’s still reeling. My head’s still pounding as my instincts fight all logic. Fuck it.
‘I don’t see anyone,’ I say, drawing her lips in again, forcing her mouth open with my tongue, running my hands down her gritty back and grabbing her sandy ass as the waves roll up and wash over our legs and feet. Her mouth has been driving me to the brink of insanity for weeks; every word that comes out of it lately, every line. Our tongues speed up, then slow as I roll her over onto her back. I pull my lips from hers again, lean over her on my triceps. Her eyes are searching my face and I can’t read her expression now.
‘You’re beautiful,’ I tell her, seriously, coming to my senses, shifting to my knees beside her. She reaches for my hand, laces her fingers through mine on my knee. I’ve actually never seen anyone as beautiful as Alyssa looks to me right now, lying all wet with sand in her hair, looking at me. The moon is glowing brighter, the light’s all but gone. She pulls me down to her again, till I’m straddling her this time. Her lips are salty, swollen, addictive as I kiss her again and again, drowning myself in her, putting a hand under her head over the sharp coral.
‘What did you mean, no one’s going to save you?’ she says suddenly against my mouth, running her fingers across my back and around my tattoos, tracing every line on my torso complete with grains of sand.
I hold her hand above her head; our fing
ers are bound together. I drop kisses down her neck, let my other hand graze the top rim of her bikini bottoms and grip her inner thigh. She feels unreal beneath my hands. ‘We’re the only ones in control,’ I reply, sliding my fingers under the fabric and running them softly over her sex.
She inhales sharply at my touch, moans underneath me. ‘Not right now, we’re not,’ she whispers.
I dart my eyes again to the tree line – there’s no one in sight but all logic is screaming at me not to go too far now, even though the urge to make her feel good; to push every part of my stupid self into her, is consuming my body. I move my hand to her breasts, moving the fabric up, tracing a nipple then turning my head to take her all in with my eyes.
‘A goddess,’ I say. ‘Everything they say is true.’
‘They don’t know me,’ she replies, seriously now.
I meet her eyes, drawing closer. ‘I want to know you,’ I tell her, truthfully, even though my head screams no; that I should take those words back and not start anything else that’s going to hurt anyone.
She's not letting me stop.
She brings me down and kisses me hard, arching up into me and I can’t even think about it. I slide a hand down her sandy stomach to the top of her bikini bottoms again. Her eyes are closed now as she slides her palm down my neck, then my torso, tracing my abs as she lowers and lowers it, leaving tingles in her wake. I’m hard as a rock as she skirts the rim of my board shorts and slips inside.
We’re kissing so intensely again that neither of us see the giant wave coming. It crashes over us without warning, rips between us and tears us apart on the shore.
I turn to her right away as it recedes, crawl to her a meter away and fall back over her on my hands and knees. She coughs and swipes at her face beneath me, laughing. ‘Are you OK?’ I say. I can’t help laughing too, at her face.
‘Oh my god!’ she says, ‘where the hell did that come from?’ She looks shocked.
‘There are a lot of those in there,’ I say, pointing to the ocean. I pull a piece of coral out of her hair. Her face is glistening with the water; her eyes are sparkling now.
