The Life You Left

by Carmel Harrington

  ‘“You mean people are actually going to be allowed inside the factory? Cried Grandpa Joe”’, Sarah began. She looked at her children, their eyes wide with wonder at the words Roald Dahl had created. She knew that both Tommy and Katie were wishing they were Charlie Bucket, just as millions of other children had done for decades before them, Sarah herself included. Ten minutes later she finished the chapter and smiled as she noted the children’s eyes heavy with sleep.

  ‘See you in my dreams, my darlings.’ Sarah said to them both. ‘Where will we meet tonight?’

  ‘Chocolate Land,’ Katie said excitedly.

  ‘You want to go there every night.’ Tommy said disdainfully.

  ‘Please,’ Katie begged. ‘And you love Chocolate Land!’

  ‘OK, Chocolate Land again.’ Tommy said quickly, giving in with a grin.

  Smiling at them both, Sarah said, ‘Ok, Chocolate Land it is. I’ll meet you by the big Toblerone oak tree!’

  ‘And we’ll go swimming in the Dairy Milk pool!’ Katie added.

  ‘And eat the marshmallow clouds!’ Tommy piped in.

  ‘And pick Jelly Tot flowers!’ Sarah said smiling as she turned to go. ‘Night night both of you. Close your eyes and get dreaming. We’ve lots of chocolate to eat in our dreams tonight!’

  Sarah walked to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of wine, her favourite Pinot Noir. It was only €4.99 and really pretty decent for that price. ‘Thank God for German retailers and their cheap wine’, she thought to herself. She rarely had a drink anymore, as she couldn’t justify the cost. But tonight, dwindling bank account or not, she needed something to help take the edge off. Glancing at her kitchen clock she realised James would be here any minute and right on cue, the doorbell rang. Opening the door, she looked at him and felt her lip begin to quiver, tears about to fall, so he pulled her tightly into his arms.

  ‘I’m so glad you came.’ Sarah said to him relief enveloping her immediately as she relaxed into his embrace. She always felt safe when James was with her.

  ‘Of course I came.’ James said tenderly. He loved her so much it was agony to see her so upset. He pulled back and looked at her closely.

  ‘OK, shoot. When did Edward come back?’

  Sarah looked at her twin brother and wondered where to start. At first she thought it was her imagination that someone was watching her. But the sense had gotten stronger this past week.

  ‘It started after Paul left.’ Sarah said. ‘You know that feeling like someone has walked over your grave?’

  James nodded, shuddering despite himself.

  ‘Well it’s kind of like that. I knew I was being watched but no matter how quickly I’d turn to check, there was never anyone there.’

  ‘You’ve been under a lot of pressure lately. Between money worries, being on your own with three kids and working crazy hours, it’s enough to put anyone on their last nerve.’ James said.

  Sarah acknowledged this with a nod. ‘It’s more than that though. It’s such a strange feeling, it’s not too bad when I’m working, or when the kids are with me. But when they are all asleep and I’m in this house on my own, well it can get a bit scary….’

  ‘When did you suspect it was Edward?’ James asked, feeling a little ashamed that he’d nearly switched his phone off earlier.

  ‘It’s weird, I’ve had a sense of déjà vu for weeks, but I couldn’t quite place why. Now I can’t believe that Edward didn’t cross my mind. How stupid was I not to even think of him? But what with everything going on these past few weeks, I’ve not been sleeping well.’

  James looked closely at her and could see fear etched on her face. The last time Edward was around resulted in Sarah being committed to a psych ward and James had to watch, helpless as his sister was dragged away from him kicking and screaming. There was no way on this earth he was going to let that happen again. He hadn’t heard Sarah mention Edward’s name in nearly two decades. But the impact he had made on both their lives ensured he’d never forgotten him and although Sarah didn’t talk about that time anymore, he would have bet his house that she remembered every detail of that time clearly too.

  ‘I’m not crazy, James.’ Sarah said suddenly with tears in her eyes. ‘I wasn’t then and I’m not now.’

  ‘I know that. You don’t need to say that to me Saz; I never believed you were crazy back then and you are one of the sanest people I know today.’

  ‘You haven’t called me Saz since we were kids.’ Sarah said smiling at her brother.

  ‘Ah, you’ll always be Saz to me.’ He said affectionately.

  Sarah sighed and continued. ‘But Mam and Dad thought I was crazy didn’t they? They had me committed. They still look at me like I’m a raving lunatic even now. Like I’m going to have a One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest episode any minute. I always feel that Mam would use any excuse to get her hands on the kids. She has something negative to say every single time she comes into this house.’

  Sarah looked around her living room. It was lived in but pretty tidy, considering she had three children. ‘I don’t know how she does it, but she always seems to arrive on the one day that the house is messy and I’ve no food in! If she thought I was having one of my ‘episodes’ again as she called them, that would be it, she’d be onto Child Protection and looking for custody!’

  ‘That would be over my dead body, Sarah. You’re a fantastic mother and even Mam and Dad would have to agree to that. Forget about the folks for now, they are not important. Sure, how often do they visit, once or twice a year? Get back to Edward.’ James reassured her quickly.

  She took a large gulp of her wine; the alcohol helped to relax her.

  ‘When the kids went to bed last night I was tidying up the sitting room. I was putting their toys away in the toy box and I had that feeling again. I looked up, but this time somebody was there, standing in the corner of the room. Over there.’ Sarah pointed to the area.

  James looked, half expecting to see Edward there right now. ‘It was him.’ Sarah said. ‘The craziest thing though, he hasn’t changed in the slightest. Three decades later, I’m unrecognisable, but him, he’s the same.’

  ‘You must have gotten such a fright. What did he say?’ James replied.

  ‘Nothing at all, at least he said nothing last night. He just smiled at me. It was the most beautiful smile and I got lost in it for a few minutes. I’d forgotten how his smile could make me feel like I was a child again. I closed my eyes for a moment and when I opened them again, he was gone. It all happened so quickly, I actually thought I’d imagined the whole thing.’

  This time it was James who took a large gulp of wine. They sat in silence. Each in their own thoughts.

  ‘You said he didn’t say anything last night; can I assume he’s been back again?’ James eventually asked.

  ‘Yep, he was here this morning, after the kids went to school. Ella was having her nap. And when I came downstairs from her room, he was sitting at the kitchen table.’

  ‘Cosy.’ James said wryly. ‘What does he want, why come back after all this time?’

  ‘Exactly what I thought. Why now? I mean life couldn’t be more hectic for me; I haven’t time to wash my hair some days, never mind deal with all this. These days I’m running around so much I swear one day I’ll meet myself coming backwards!’

  They both smiled at that. Gathering herself, Sarah continued. ‘At first he just sat there. I joined him and he smiled at me again. It was very peaceful, very quiet just sitting there together. I felt like in that moment we were both reconnecting, catching up with each other, without the need for words. Oh, it’s hard to explain.’ Sarah ended with a sigh.

  James reached over and grabbed his sister’s hand. As hard as it was for Sarah to explain, it was very hard for him to take in too. Somehow it had been easier to understand Sarah and Edward when he was a child.

  ‘Eventually he spoke and he simply said “It’s time.”’ Sarah said.

  ‘It’s time for what?’ James spluttered.
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  ‘He said that he knew that seeing him again after all this time was a shock. He knew I’d need to adjust to having him around again, but I need to believe in myself and acknowledge my gift. And after I acknowledged it I need to start using it!’

  Sarah glanced at James. He looked a bit shell-shocked. He was the one person who had always believed in her, but she knew he was struggling to take all this in right now. Taking a deep breath she continued. ‘He just kept saying over and over that I’ve been ignoring this gift for far too long and now the time has come for me to step forward and start helping others.’

  ‘What gift is he talking about?’

  ‘Oh you haven’t heard the best bit. It gets better.’ Sarah said with a sigh. ‘He told me that there was a young girl who needed my help. That she’d been murdered … And that I could help bring her murderer to justice.’ Sarah shivered at just the thought.

  ‘For feck’s sake Sarah.’ James replied.

  ‘Pretty much my reaction too.’ Sarah replied. ‘I’m no Sherlock Holmes; I’m a shop assistant for heaven’s sake! If anyone around here is going to solve a murder that would be you.’

  ‘Thankfully not many murders around here for me or anyone else to solve,’ James replied. As a private investigator, with his own business, he did a lot of freelance work for insurance agencies, sifting out the fraudsters looking for big claims. Not to mention the considerable amount of clients who booked him to investigate their spouses and see if they were having an affair. All pretty mundane stuff.

  ‘Well I hope Edward has gotten it wrong.’ Sarah said. ‘The thought of me even being slightly involved in a murder makes me feel sick.’

  James topped her glass up with some more wine as he couldn’t think of anything useful to say.

  ‘Apparently I’m to go see a woman who lives in Arklow and have a chat with her. He told me to write down her name and address.’ She continued, as she showed the piece of paper to James where she had written her name down.

  ‘Mary Donegan. 5 Riverside Apartments, Arklow.’ James read. ‘Why do you have to go there? Some random woman you have to go knock on the door to, will she be expecting us? Is she even real?’

  ‘I know it sounds crazy, doesn’t it?’ Sarah answered. ‘But I’ve looked her up online. She lives there alright. She exists.’

  Her head was banging with a growing headache that felt like it was about to explode. Over the years she had thought about Edward and the impact he had on her life when she was a child. Life was so hectic with the kids, she just didn’t have time to worry about something that had happened nearly thirty years ago and, as far as she knew, would never happen again.

  She glanced at James who was frowning. She’d had a few hours to digest the news that Edward was back; James had just had a few minutes. Plus, to be fair to her brother, James had never actually met Edward; he only ever had her word that he even existed. The fact that he always believed her left her in grateful awe. Sarah knew that it was extremely difficult for most people to understand and believe in something that they couldn’t see or touch. That was why she had kept Edward’s existence a secret for so long, not even sharing with Paul. Would he have believed her? Her instinct was no. He would have reacted the same way as her parents. They all thought she was crazy, and if she was honest who could really blame them? How could you expect people to believe that your best friend was in fact, a guardian angel?

  Chapter Three

  Sarah sat up with a start. A line of perspiration glistened on her forehead. She was shivering, despite the heavy duvet covering her body.

  She leaned over and flicked on her bedside lamp, checking her watch as she did. It was 3.06 a.m. She knew there was no point in trying to go back to sleep. From experience, it would be at least an hour before that would happen, if at all. She had just awoken from a particularly bad nightmare. Already, as is often the way with dreams, the details of it were beginning to get murky. Unfortunately one image kept flashing into her mind, one she would have been happy to lose.

  A young woman lying on the beach. Naked. Covered in blood.

  ‘You look tired.’ James said to Sarah when he was round at the house later that day.

  ‘I had a nightmare last night, didn’t get a huge amount of sleep. Thanks for coming with me by the way.’ Sarah said to her brother.

  ‘No worries. Sure this one could be a complete nut-job. There’s no way you are doing this on your own!’ James said emphatically.

  ‘She could be a nut-job just like me, you mean?’ Sarah asked playfully.

  James replied in kind, ‘You? Nut-job? No! But for the craic let’s just summarise. An angel called Edward, who used to be your best friend when you were a child, has casually rocked up into your kitchen. Incidentally because of your insistence that Edward was real and not a figment of your imagination, you were committed by Mam and Dad for psychiatric assessment, thereafter you spent years in and out of therapy. Now the bold Eddy, enigmatic as ever is saying very little, except that you have a gift. As yet we don’t know what this is. I’d have put money on that it’s your finesse at baking, but not sure that’s what Eddy is talking about! Now that doesn’t make you sound like a Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut bar in the slightest!’

  Sarah laughed at this, thank god for James; he was making this so much easier.

  ‘And to top it all off, this ability of yours is expected to help solve a murder of which we know nothing about. Eddy reckons we need to speak to some lady called Mary Donegan. So here we are outside some random woman’s home, about to knock on her door and say hello.’ James took an imaginary bow.

  ‘Why Watson, thank you for that summary.’ Sarah said with a smile. ‘Think that just about covers it! As much as I’m enjoying listening to you, I suppose we better get this show on the road. I’ve got to get back to collect the kids from Rita’s house by tea time.’

  Sarah knew a lot of people didn’t have time for their mothers-in-law, but for Sarah it was the opposite. Rita was a godsend to her.

  ‘She heard anything from that loser of a son of hers?’ James asked.

  ‘He has a name, James.’ Sarah said with a sigh. ‘And no, she hasn’t heard anything from Paul in weeks either.’

  ‘He doesn’t deserve to be called by his first name, in my opinion.’ James retorted. He could feel himself getting angry again, as he always did whenever Paul came into his mind. ‘How can he leave a wife with three children, one only a small baby? What kind of man does that?’

  Sarah could feel her head thumping again. ‘Please James, not now. I can’t deal with Paul on top of all this. I know you’re right. It’s not fair, but there’s extenuating circumstances. He says he’s having a breakdown. He can’t help himself.’

  ‘That’s a load of bullsh…’ Seeing Sarah’s face, he stopped himself. ‘Ok, I’ll leave it, but he just gets me so wound up.’

  She was close to tears, as she often was whenever her wayward husband’s name came up.

  ‘Hey Sarah, don’t cry. I’ll zip it about Paul, promise. Come on, let’s go meet this Mary one and see what she has to say! Wonder what age she is?’ James wondered out loud. ‘She could be hot! Hey!’ James yelped as his sister punched him on his arm. ‘What was that for?’

  ‘We’re not here for you to get your next victim lined up!’ Sarah said with a laugh. ‘Come on, behave. I don’t care if she looks like Angelina Jolie; keep your hands to yourself!’

  ‘Hey, less of the victim, if you please. I’ll have you know that all my girlfriends are very well looked after by me. Hey!’ He yelped again. ‘Leave out the hitting. You have some right hook on you! I promise I’ll behave. There will be no chatting up of anyone. But if she’s anything like Angelina, all bets are off!’

  They rang the doorbell and waited with nervous anticipation. Sarah had no idea who or what to expect.

  With that the door opened and a tiny woman, no more than five feet peeped out. She was middle aged but hard to determine what side of fifty she was on. Her face was lined, no
t from frowning but with what Sarah guessed were laughter lines. She was plump and exuded warmth, and Sarah felt the urge to throw herself into her arms for a hug. Pulling herself together, she simply smiled at her. Mary smiled back, an expectant look on her face.

  ‘Hello’ Sarah stammered. ‘My name is Sarah Lawler. This is my brother, James. Are you Mary Donegan?’

  ‘Yes, I am.’ Mary replied with a friendly smile. ‘How can I help you?’

  Sarah wasn’t sure where to start. ‘Erm, it’s a bit tricky this. I’m not really sure why I’m here. I was told to come and see you.’

  ‘Who told you to come see me, pet?’ Mary answered smiling, like it was the most normal thing in the world to have such a conversation.

  ‘Edward did.’

  ‘And who is that? Is he a friend of yours?’ Mary continued.

  ‘Well this is the tricky bit. You’ll probably not believe me, not sure I would believe me either. Edward is a friend of mine. But most people can’t see him.’ Sarah blurted out quickly reddening up to her ears. She held her breath, never taking her eyes of Mary, wondering what the response was going to be. She half expected the door to be slammed in their faces.

  Mary continued smiling and then opened her door fully, ‘Oh that explains it! You should have said so sooner dear. Come on in so, both of you.’

  They walked into the apartment and Sarah was surprised at what she saw. The apartment was ultra-modern and chic. It was clutter free and was decorated in varying shades of white and cream, the only splashes of colour on the wall were the art, which were contemporary. It seemed to contradict the first impression Sarah had formed of Mary, which was a mother earth type.

  ‘What a beautiful apartment.’ Sarah complimented.

  ‘Thank you.’ Mary nodded and smiled again. ‘It suits me very well. One of the advantages of being on one’s own is that you get to decorate your home to exactly your own tastes. No need to take into account anyone else’s requirements!’