The Life You Left

by Carmel Harrington

  ‘It won’t do any harm to check out if he’s been admitted to any of the hospitals in Dublin.’ Roger said.

  Twenty minutes later he had determined that Paul hadn’t been admitted to any hospital that day.

  ‘So a dead end once again.’ Rita said. ‘We still don’t know where he is?’

  ‘If he’s any sense he’s in a hotel taking shelter from this weather.’ Joey said to them all.

  James looked over at Sarah. She shook her head.

  ‘They are in trouble, James.’

  ‘Let me think.’ James said.

  Rita picked up her mobile and dialled Paul’s number again. ‘Still no answer, why won’t he answer?’ She said and finally the tears that had been lingering all evening finally fell. She put her head on Joey’s shoulder. ‘I know he’s caused a lot of trouble over the past couple of months, and I know he’s been a terrible father and husband, but he’s still my son.’

  ‘There, there.’ Joey said stroking her hair gently, pulling her into him for a hug.

  James raised his eyebrows at the tender gesture. He hadn’t seen that one coming. It was fairly common knowledge that he hadn’t much time for Paul, but seeing Rita that upset tugged his heartstrings. And he was going to move heaven and earth to find Tommy; he loved him like he was his own. He trusted Sarah and if she said Paul needed help, he thought he’d better do everything he could to help.

  ‘We have to go look for them.’ James said. ‘They left here this afternoon heading for Dublin. They have to be somewhere on the route.’

  ‘This is no night to be out driving.’ Roger said to James. ‘I’ll check with the station and see if any accidents have been reported in.’

  Sarah closed her eyes and tried to focus. Why couldn’t she see Tommy? Why was she only seeing Paul lying in the snow?

  Edward was beside her again. ‘Look around the area you see Paul in. Look for a clue to where they are. You can do this. You have the power to find them. You are letting your emotions stop you focussing.’

  She walked to the corner of the room and closed her eyes.

  Paul’s face is as white as the snow he lies on. She allows herself to let her eyes travel down his body and startles as she sees Tommy’s little frame lying on top of his father’s chest. Oh please God, let Tommy be alive. She looks and his little body is heaving as he cries. He is white and shivering. But there’s no doubt – he’s alive!

  Sarah takes a moment to steady herself, then forces herself to focus on looking around her.

  They are in what appears to be a field. She sees snow and ice glistening on a ditch nearby. She sees the car then, its nose buried in the ditch – they have crashed. And then her eyes stop on rows upon rows of white plastic tunnels; almost obscured, blending into the white blanket of snow.

  A memory teases her, just out of her minds reach. She has seen them before, but where?

  She opened her eyes and saw everyone watching her.

  ‘Sis?’ James said with concern. ‘You were talking out loud.’

  She realised her face was awash with tears again.

  ‘They’ve been in an accident. They are in a field with white tunnels all in a row. I’ve been there. I know I have.’ Sarah said to James.

  Rita turned to Sarah looking extremely confused and angry. ‘What’s going on? You keep saying that you’re sure that Paul is hurt, that he’s fallen on the ice. That Tommy stowed away in Paul’s car. But how could you know that? Just now you seemed to just pluck from the sky that there had been a car accident. Speak up now, young lady.’

  James shouted, ‘Wait just a minute. Let me think.’

  They all watched him in silence. ‘It’s the fruit farm in Gorey. That’s where those tunnels are.’

  Sarah knew it to be true; she could feel it with every fibre in her body. ‘They are there, I know it.’

  ‘Roger, call an ambulance and get it over there immediately.’

  He looked at both their faces and was about to tell them he would do no such thing unless they gave him one good reason why, when a strong feeling overcame him, one that told him that he should just do as they asked. He’d always trusted his gut before and it had done him well, so he picked up his phone and made the call.

  ‘James, Ruby, can you stay with the children. I’m going to Gorey.’ Sarah said.

  ‘Not without me.’ James added. Ruby quickly nodded her assent to stay with the children.

  ‘And I need to be on my way too.’ Rita declared.

  ‘The roads are in an awful state.’ Roger said. ‘I really don’t think you should travel anywhere tonight. Let’s wait and see if they are found first.’

  ‘I can’t stay here and do nothing!’ Rita cried back. ‘He’s my baby, my only child. I’ll not leave him on his own.’

  ‘And you don’t have to Rita, love. I’ll drive us up there.’ Joey said. ‘If there’s one thing I’ve picked up on over twenty years of delivering post, it’s how to drive in all kinds of weather.’

  ‘Right, that’s settled then. Let’s get going.’ James said.

  They agreed and quickly they were at the door ready to leave.

  ‘James, ring me as soon as you get there, no matter what time it is. I’ll not sleep till I hear from you.’ Ruby said.

  With a quick kiss, he promised to do so.

  Chapter Thirty

  As they were navigating their way towards Gorey, James’s phone rang. It was Roger. He put the call on speakerphone for them all to hear.

  ‘The ambulance. They’ve found them. Exactly as Sarah predicted.’ Roger said with just a little awe creeping into his voice.

  From the back seat, Joey gasped, he just couldn’t help himself. He glanced at Sarah in amazement.

  ‘How are they?’ Rita asked tearfully and summoned all her strength up to ask, ‘Are they alive?’

  ‘Yes, they are both alive. It looks like Paul is in a bad way. Tommy is cold and upset, but seems to be unharmed.’

  ‘What’s wrong with Paul?’ Rita asked.

  ‘He’s cracked his head and lost a lot of blood apparently,’ Roger replied. ‘They’re taking them both to Arklow Hospital.’

  Sarah clasped James’s hand in relief that they had been found and all she could think about was holding her child close to her and never letting go.

  Sarah was in shock, she could barely take it all in. She was so relieved that Tommy was ok on one hand and all she wanted to do was feel his arms around her neck and hear his little voice call her Mammy. But coupled with that she was still so worried about Paul. She felt like she’d let him down, the guilt was overwhelming.

  James thanked Roger, then turned to Sarah and said, ‘This isn’t your fault, Sarah. You couldn’t have done any more than you have done.’

  ‘Somebody ought to ring Michelle.’ Joey said.

  ‘I can’t face it.’ Rita sobbed. ‘I can’t deal with her right now.’

  ‘I’ll do it.’ Sarah replied.

  It was one of the most surreal moments she’d ever had. Michelle answered the phone on the first ring. ‘Yes?’ she whispered. Her voice sounded croaky from crying.

  ‘It’s Sarah. I’m so sorry to tell you this, but they’ve found Paul. He’s been in an accident.’

  ‘I know Sarah. The hospital called me a short while ago.’

  Sarah was confused. ‘How did they have your number?’

  ‘I’m listed in his phone as his ‘in case of emergency’ person.’ Michelle replied.

  That shouldn’t have surprised Sarah, but it still did.

  ‘I’ve just booked a flight to Dublin. I’m packing, so won’t stay on the phone, you understand.’

  Sarah wished her a safe journey, confused at how Michelle being listed as next of kin for Paul could upset her so much.

  ‘Michelle already knew.’ Sarah said to them all. ‘She’s on her way.’

  She felt very strange. He was still her husband in name, but they were no longer married in any true sense of the word. She longed to see Tommy with every fib
re in her body, but she wanted to see Paul too, to tell him that she was here for him. But it wasn’t her that he’d want to see when he came to. It was Michelle. She was his ‘in case of emergency’ now.

  Everything was just so complicated. She was pretty sure she wasn’t in love with Paul anymore, but he had played a large part of her life for so very long, it was impossible to not care about him. She wasn’t sure she would ever be ready to let him go.

  They arrived at the hospital within the hour and split up – Rita and Joey went to Paul, Sarah and James to Tommy.

  As soon as Sarah walked into Accident and Emergency she saw Tommy sitting on a hospital trolley, with blankets wrapped around him and all pretence at being strong vanished. She ran towards him and he fell into his mother’s arms, crying his little heart out. Through the tears Sarah had found out exactly what had happened. Tommy had decided that it was up to him to persuade his Daddy to come home. So he forged a note so he could leave school early and hopped into the back of his Daddy’s car while he waited for him to come out. But he fell asleep and it was only halfway to Dublin that he woke up. Paul had turned the car to bring him home. Unfortunately on the return journey he skidded on ice and crashed.

  Neither of them had been hurt in the crash miraculously, but the car was stuck in the ditch. So Paul had tried to push it but had slipped in the ice and cracked his head on a stone as he hit the ground. A silly, senseless, quirk of fate.

  Tommy had tried to ring Sarah, but couldn’t get a signal on his Daddy’s phone so he couldn’t do anything. So he just lay on top of him, trying to keep him warm and prayed that someone would come rescue them soon.

  He was so distraught and already had decided he was at fault for the crash. James and Sarah had both told him all about the road conditions saying it would have happened either way, but Tommy wouldn’t believe them.

  Eventually he fell asleep in Sarah’s arms and he was still asleep now. The hospital said that they would keep him overnight for observation, but that tomorrow he would be discharged to go home.

  ‘James.’ Sarah whispered to her brother. ‘Will you stay beside Tommy in case he wakes up? I want to see Paul.’

  James nodded, ‘Take your time, sis. I’m going nowhere.’

  Sarah walked towards Paul’s room, dreading what she would find there, but knowing that she needed to see him. Rita and she had called in on each other a few times already during the night, but there was little news so far on Paul, other than he was in a bad way.

  Rita and Joey were in the visitor’s room, Joey dozing on a chair, but Rita stone-faced and wide awake. Walking beside Sarah was Edward. His face looked very solemn. Sarah was afraid to ask him if Paul would live or not, afraid of the answer he might give her.

  ‘It’s bad.’ Rita stated trying to hold back the tears. ‘He’s in critical condition. He had extreme hypothermia from all those hours lying in the snow. A nurse just told me that if we hadn’t found him when we did, he’d be dead by now. So that’s something to be grateful for. You saved his life you know. I don’t know how you did it, though.’

  Sarah brushed that aside. She still felt the crushing weight of guilt, that maybe she could have done more.

  ‘What treatment are they giving him?’ Sarah asked.

  ‘It’s not just the hypothermia. He has had a bad blow to his head and he’s lost a lot of blood. He’s unconscious and they have put him on life support. I’ve been told to prepare myself for the possibility that he might have brain damage.’ Rita finished on a sob.

  Sarah burst into tears at this, she couldn’t hold back any longer. ‘Oh Rita, no.’ She cried.

  ‘I know. I can’t believe it. They promised me that they are doing all they can. Michelle will be here in the morning, I’m dreading telling her this.’

  Sarah understood how hard that would be for Rita, as she was reeling at the thought of telling the kids. That poor woman, pregnant and to hear news like that?

  ‘Sarah, the nurse also said that if there was any family who needed to say goodbye, we should have them close by. In case …’ Rita finished with a cry.

  ‘Oh, Paul.’ Sarah sobbed herself. ‘I don’t know if Tommy and Katie are up to all this.’

  ‘I can’t stop thinking about the children too. You’re they’re mother so I’ll let you decide if you think that they should be here or not.’

  Sarah felt her head spinning. She was at a loss as to what to do.

  ‘I’ll have to think about this some more before I make my mind up.’

  ‘Of course.’ Rita said. ‘You put those kiddies first. If you think that it’s too much for them to handle, keep them away. Paul wouldn’t want them to be any more traumatised than necessary.’

  ‘No he wouldn’t.’ Sarah agreed.

  Sarah closed her eyes and silently called out for help. ‘Edward help me, should I bring the kids to see Paul or not? I don’t know what to do!’

  Edward walked over to Sarah and sat down beside her.

  ‘Think about when you were their age.’ Edward said to her. ‘What would you have wanted if it were your father that was critically ill?’

  ‘I’d want to see him.’ She answered without hesitation. ‘They’ll want to see him won’t they?’

  ‘I think they’ll need to see him.’ Edward gently corrected her. ‘Don’t underestimate your children. They are very like their mother, they’re strong.’ He said gently.

  ‘I think they’d want to see Paul, but right now, I’d like to go in and sit with him, if that’s ok?’ Sarah asked Rita.

  ‘Of course it is. You don’t have to ask me that!’

  Sarah walked into Paul’s room and walked over to the bedside of her husband. He looked like he was perfectly fine, just having a deep sleep. He was pale, that was true, but apart from that she couldn’t see a mark on him. She heard the faint buzz of the machines that Paul was connected to. He had a tube down his throat and one also in his nose. He was connected to a drip.

  ‘Oh Paul, my darling.’ Sarah sobbed. She leaned in and kissed him tenderly on his lips, then sat down to hold his hand.

  ‘This is a right mess! I bet you wish you hadn’t called me Septic Peg now!’ Sarah joked lamely. ‘You should have listened to me, but then again you never did so I suppose why start now!

  But darling, don’t worry about Tommy, I know you must be thinking of nothing else. He is absolutely fine. He’s fast asleep right now and I know he’ll wake up starving! He’s always hungry; you know what he’s like.’

  She looked down at her ex-husbands left hand, bare now as he no longer wore a wedding band. She glanced at her own hand where she still wore her own rings as she’d not been brave enough to take them off. Silly really, how much a piece of jewellery could become a symbol of so much more than just a marriage? Sarah knew that when she took her rings off, she was finally letting go of the life she had shared with Paul. No more Mrs Sarah Lawler, wife to Paul.

  ‘Do you remember our wedding day?’ She whispered. ‘The sun was shining, despite it being October. An Indian summer, everyone said! You made me promise not to be late, but of course I was. I always am. But I couldn’t wait to walk down the aisle to you. You told me that you wouldn’t look till I got to the top of the church, but you couldn’t stop yourself and you peeped! And then you smiled at me and I just wanted to run to you and throw myself in your arms right there that second. we were so in love, Paul.’

  She brushed tears away quickly. She closed her eyes and in a moment and was back in Paul’s arms, for their first dance.

  ‘You insisted on choosing the first song, do you remember? I was so annoyed with you, I wanted to pick it! I mean, who chooses Elvis Costello’s She?

  But when the music started and I heard the words…… You got me, Paul. I still can’t listen to that song without crying.’ Sarah started to hum their song.

  ‘You always said it was the end bit, that was why you chose it.’ Sarah leaned in and kissed him again and began to sing softly,

  ‘I'll take her
laughter and her tears

  And make them all my souvenirs

  For where she goes I've got to be

  The meaning of my life is

  She’

  She laid her head on Paul’s hand and closed her eyes.

  Chapter Thirty One

  Tommy had been given the all clear and was discharged, so with Sarah and James, they had joined Rita and Joey in the family room. Paul was still in intensive care, no change.

  Sarah rang Ruby to fill her in on the news and check on the children.

  ‘Is there any news?’ Ruby asked her.

  ‘No change. He’s having some tests done as we speak and a consultant and his team are with him now. He’s been for a CT scan already. They said that they’ll talk to us later on and let us know how he’s doing.’

  ‘Has Michelle arrived yet?’ Ruby asked.

  ‘Any minute. She’ll be in a taxi by now I should think.’ Sarah answered. ‘Ruby, could you do me a favour? Can you pack some things for the children and bring them up here to me?’

  ‘Absolutely.’ Ruby replied. ‘I’m way ahead of you. I’ve already rang work and taken a couple of days annual leave. And I have an overnight bag packed too, so I’m ready to leave. I may need some help though in what I need to bring for Ella! I don’t have much hands-on experience with babies, but sure, how hard can it be?’ This she said with a laugh. ‘I figure I can look after Ella at least when you bring the children in to see Paul. Or just be a shoulder to cry on if you need it.’

  Sarah had been concerned about how she’d manage all three children herself in a busy hospital.

  ‘I’ll not forget this.’ Sarah told her.

  ‘Too right you won’t! Repayment will be accepted in copious amounts of gin & tonics in Freddie’s bar!’ Then looking towards the children, Ruby added. ‘Plus, I’ve got ulterior motives! I get to spend lots of time with your beautiful children and I just know that’s going to be a whole lot of fun for me!’

  ‘I won’t lie, I’ll be glad to see you Rubes. This is the stuff of nightmares.’ Sarah admitted.

  ‘Yep, it’s pretty hard-core. You must be in bits, but I’ll be there soon. How’s Tommy holding up?’