The Life You Left

by Carmel Harrington

  ‘Thomas said to me that he’d always be here for me. That even death wouldn’t keep him away from me if I needed him.’

  ‘He kept his promise.’ Sarah said, clasping her hand. ‘He’s here, as he said he would be.’

  ‘I know.’ Rita said between sobs. ‘I can feel him. I’ve been sitting here praying for a sign, something to show me what we should do.’

  ‘He was a good man, Rita.’

  ‘So we have to say goodbye to Paul, let him go to his father?’ Rita said.

  Sarah nodded silently.

  Edward said, ‘Tell Rita this.’

  Sarah listened then repeated his words, as he spoke, her eyes wide in wonder.

  ‘Some good can come from this awful situation, Rita. If we donate Paul’s organs, we’re giving three people the chance of a better, healthier life. We can save their lives, and one will be a little boy who has been waiting a very long time for a donor.’

  ‘I want to see Paul.’ Rita said suddenly, standing up.

  ‘I’ll go with you.’ Sarah said. ‘James, when the children wake up, bring them in.’

  Rita walked over to her son and stroked his head, ‘You will be a hero, Paul. Three lives you will save. I’m so proud of you.’

  ‘So our decision is made?’ Sarah asked quietly.

  ‘Yes.’ Rita replied, never taking her eyes off her boy.

  They sat, one on either side of him.

  After a time, the door opened and the children walked in with the others.

  ‘Is Daddy still sleeping?’ Katie said to her Mammy, who nodded in response.

  ‘What did the doctor say?’ Tommy asked.

  ‘Well we need to have a chat about that.’ Sarah replied. ‘Let’s all sit down.’

  Rita and Sarah sat on either side of Tommy and Katie. Ella was in her buggy fast asleep.

  ‘The doctors have been doing lots of tests on Daddy.’ Sarah said to them. ‘And they have said that his brain is really badly hurt.’

  ‘That doesn’t sound very nice.’ Katie said solemnly. ‘Can they give him medicine to fix it?’

  ‘I’m afraid that they can’t, darling. Daddy was hurt so badly that he’s not going to wake up again.’

  Tommy and Katie looked really scared now.

  Sarah took a deep breath and continued. ‘You see that machine that Daddy is hooked up to?’

  They both looked over at it and nodded.

  ‘Well, that machine is helping Daddy to breath and helping his heart to beat, because they won’t work any more on their own.’

  Their eyes were wide with shock. Sarah was shaking. She could see them both trembling too.

  ‘Do you remember Granddaddy Thomas?’ Rita asked them both.

  ‘Yes Nana.’ Tommy answered. ‘When we say our prayers, we always say God bless Granddaddy Thomas in Heaven.’

  Rita smiled at her grandson. ‘That’s right pet. Well your Granddaddy Thomas wants your Daddy to come and be with him in Heaven.’ Rita said. ‘He’s waiting for him now.’

  Katie started to cry. ‘But if Daddy goes to Heaven with Granddaddy we won’t be able to see him.’ Katie said.

  ‘I know that darling. It’s very scary to think that isn’t it?’ Sarah said to her.

  Katie nodded.

  ‘Is Daddy dead?’ Tommy asked her. ‘He doesn’t look dead, Mammy.’

  ‘I know. I thought that too. He looks so peaceful doesn’t he? But that’s because he’s ready to go on and see Granddaddy Thomas now.’

  ‘I don’t want him to go.’ Tommy said, crying now too. ‘Make him stay with us instead.’ He walked over to his father’s bed and started to cry, ‘Daddy, don’t go. Stay here with us. You promised me you wouldn’t leave me again. A promise is a promise, Daddy!’ He finished sobbing. Sarah walked over and held her son in her arms. Katie was in her Nana’s arms sobbing too.

  ‘He didn’t mean to break that promise.’ Sarah said to him. ‘It was an accident darling. Your Daddy would never have left you if he could have helped it. He loved you all so much.’

  Ruby and James watched the scene unfold in front of them, powerless to do anything.

  Joey walked over to Rita and put his arms around her as she held Katie in her own.

  ‘We have to say our goodbyes now.’ Sarah said to the children. ‘You can take as long as you want.’

  Joey walked over to Paul’s bedside and said, ‘I’ll look after your Mam, Paul, I give you my word.’ He touched him on his hand.

  Ruby touched Paul’s face gently and said, ‘Have a G&T for me up there, Paul Lawler.’ Then she walked back to Ella and started rocking the pram. Sarah lifted Katie up so that she was sitting on the side of Paul’s bed.

  ‘Can I snuggle him?’ Katie asked.

  ‘Yes my darling, of course you can.’ Sarah answered.

  Katie moved her little body in close to her Daddy’s and put her arms around his neck. ‘I love you Daddy. I’ll see you in Chocolate Land in my dreams.’ She whispered.

  Then suddenly, she said, ‘Mammy I want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. Please Mammy.’ She was very distressed. Sarah pulled her away from Paul and held her close. ‘We’re going home very soon, I promise you that.’

  Joey walked over and took her into his arms, carrying her to one of the seats. ‘There now. I’ve got you; you just cry it out.’

  Tommy was just staring at his Daddy, never taking his eyes off him. Sarah watched him and said nothing. She didn’t want to push him right now. He needed to do this in his own way.

  He looked over to Katie and Ella, his Nana and finally his Mammy. ‘Daddy I have to go now. Katie and Ella need me. Katie’s getting scared and Ella is probably scared too, she’s only a baby.’ He leaned in and kissed his Daddy on his cheek. ‘I know you didn’t break your promise. I love you Daddy.’

  He walked over to Katie and she jumped out of Joey’s lap to go to him. They gave each other a hug. Thank God for brothers and sisters, Sarah thought. ‘I have to take the children home, Rita. I’ve got to think of them now. We can’t be here for … You know….’

  ‘You go home and put the children to bed in their own house. It’s what they need right now. They need their Mammy, just like Paul needs me here. I’ll stay with him until the end.’

  Sarah nodded. She walked over to Paul and kissed him on his lips. ‘Thank you Paul for giving me our children, for loving me, for the life we shared.’ She touched him lightly on his forehead, moving his hair to one side again. His fringe always flopped down.

  ‘Come to us when you get home.’ Sarah said to Rita, giving her a hug. ‘We’ll be waiting for you.’

  Joey got up and hugged Sarah too, saying gruffly. ‘Drive carefully now. You’re my family now.’

  ‘I know Joey.’ She said.

  James took her hand and held it tightly. ‘Let’s go home.’

  Chapter Thirty Five

  It was 5am. The children were all asleep. They were exhausted from the previous day and had slept most of the journey home.

  Ruby had curled into bed beside Sarah. She held her like she was a child and stroked her hair until she fell asleep crying.

  Sarah needed to get out of the house; she felt that the walls were closing in on her. She had woken up thirty minutes before and felt so much tension bubbling up inside of her, she needed to scream and she thought that if she started, she’d never stop. She quickly wrote a note and stuck it on the fridge. Sticking on a pair of wellies and a coat, she walked out to her car. She didn’t really know where she was going to go, but she knew that she needed to get out of the house.

  Before she knew it she had arrived at Ballyaislinn beach. She parked the car in the car park. It was empty and beautiful there. Daylight was just breaking through the dark clouds of night and golden rays reflected on the crashing waves. She pulled her coat around her tight. It was bitterly cold, but she welcomed the feel of the sharp wind on her face. It made her feel alive and she needed to feel that way right now. She walked to the water’s edge and felt sal
twater tears wash her face.

  The stress of the past few days finally exploded out of her and she started to scream, gut wrenching shrieks that bounced off the waves.

  She screamed until her throat hurt. What use was the gift of a gift that didn’t stop someone she cared about dying?

  Edward stood beside her. ‘You warned Paul, he chose not to listen to you. But think about the lives you have saved. Tommy, Joey, Bridie. And the lives you’ve changed for the better? Marie? Where would she be if you hadn’t used your gift to uncover Malcolm?’

  ‘I should have done more.’ Sarah screamed again.

  ‘You know that’s not true, Sarah.’ Edward replied calmly. ‘You cannot control the actions of others. Paul was not going to listen to you no matter what you said.’

  But all the months of change and turmoil had finally come to a head for Sarah. Edward stood there, watching over his friend. He watched her as she screamed and ranted at the sea, until she had no more to give.

  ‘You must get sick of the sight of me crying,’ she joked, then stopped suddenly as she felt the energy change around her. She was having another vision.

  A little boy is sitting up in hospital, bandages around his face. His mother and father are standing by his bedside, in silent prayer. A doctor gently removes the bandages and urges the boy to take his time, let his new eyes become adjusted to the light.

  And then, miraculously, he speaks, ‘Mammy, You look pretty.’

  He sees everything.

  Sarah looks at Edward, who is smiling at her.

  ‘Paul did that,’ he states.

  The boy is on a trampoline, jumping up and down, laughing with his friends.

  Then, time flashes forward and Sarah sees him wearing a mortarboard and gown, his parents clapping and cheering him on at his graduation. Their little boy now a man.

  She sees him at the top of an altar waiting for his bride on his wedding day, and he gasps as he sees her beauty.

  He holds their firstborn, a boy, in his arms and has never seen a more beautiful sight. He closes his eyes and thanks God once again for the donor that changed his life.

  ‘Paul did that.’ Sarah repeats smiling.

  ‘When the time is right, you can tell Rita and the children about that boy.’

  Sarah nods in response, she still feels in awe at the vision she has just witnessed.

  ‘Go home to your children.’ Edward said gently.

  ‘I can’t bear the thought of them feeling even one fraction of how I feel right now, Edward.’

  ‘They have you. That’s all they need.’ He reassured her.

  Sarah lifted her top up and wiped her face which was wet from the sea and her tears.

  The angel turned and waited for Sarah to head back to her car. She stopped suddenly, and they both felt the now familiar feeling of a shift in energy.

  Edward watched as Sarah’s hand flew to her mouth in surprise at what she was seeing in her vision.

  He smiled.

  ‘I was just going to look for you!’ James said to her, as she returned home.

  Ruby was standing behind him too. ‘You can’t do that, Sarah! Jeepers, our nerves!’

  ‘Are the kids ok?’ Sarah asked them.

  ‘All fast asleep. I just checked.’ Ruby answered. ‘You look frozen. Come in, time for coffee.’

  ‘Where have you been?’ James asked.

  ‘I needed to get out for a while. I went for a drive and ended up on Ballyaislinn beach but there’s something I have to tell you.’

  ‘You’re giving me a heart attack here. You know I’m helping investigate a murder that happened there. Of all the places to go to, you decide to have a walk on fecking Ballyaislinn beach in the middle of the night!’

  ‘Don’t be cross with me. I can’t take that right now. And the murderer is still locked up isn’t he?’ Sarah said.

  He nodded in reply. ‘So he wasn’t going to hurt me and I reckon that we’d be very unlikely to have a second psychopath in our small village!’ Sarah finished.

  James said. ‘I was just worried. I need you to be safe. I couldn’t bear it if something happened to you.’

  He was still shook up about Paul. ‘That could have been you; I can’t stop thinking of that.’

  Sarah looked up at him, ‘How so?’

  ‘You slipped on the snow two days ago, what if you had cracked your head open like Paul did?’ James said.

  ‘I’m fine.’ She answered him gently.

  ‘Did the walk help at all?’ Ruby asked Sarah.

  ‘Yes, it did as it happens. I needed to shout and scream and I can’t do that here. Here I’m Mammy and I have to be strong for the children. I mourned Paul once already when he left me; I never thought I’d have to do it for real. I’m not sure I can find the strength to do it a second time.’

  ‘Oh sis.’ James said giving her a hug. ‘Remember you don’t have to be strong for me. You can shout and scream to me anytime you like.’

  ‘I just needed to be on my own.’ Sarah whispered.

  ‘I understand.’ Ruby said, placing a hot steaming cup in front of her. ‘We’ve all got to escape every now and then.’

  ‘I wish the kids didn’t have to go through this.’ Sarah said.

  ‘They’re tough like their mother. They’ll get through it.’ James said.

  Sarah put her hands around the hot drink and let the mug warm them. She was cold but remembered what she had seen before she got in her car. She had to tell James.

  ‘When I was on Ballyaislinn beach, in the car park, I had a vision.’ Sarah had decided to keep the vision about the little boy to herself for now. Rita should be the first to hear that. But James needed to know about this second one.

  ‘I’m nearly afraid to ask.’ James replied, excitement building inside him despite his comment to contrary.

  ‘I saw a courier van called Arlen’s in the car park, passing what looked like computers to another car parked there. Then the driver of the car hit the driver of the van to make it look like he’d been attacked. After the car left with the stolen computers, the van driver saw someone walking back from the beach with something that looked like large piece of driftwood. He remembered because it was such a strange thing to see someone carrying. He saw the man clearly, James. He saw Mal Wickham.’

  ‘Oh Jaysus, this is huge!’ James exclaimed. ‘Let me get this straight. You’re saying that there was somebody else in that car park that night, and they saw Mal?’

  ‘Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Find that courier driver and you have your witness.’

  ‘It’s like watching a movie! Have you any idea how cool this psychic stuff is?’ Ruby asked. ‘I’m all ears to hear what’s in store for me!’

  Sarah smiled at her friend.

  ‘I’ve got to go see Roger straight away with this information.’ James stopped suddenly. ‘I can’t leave you though.’

  ‘Yes you can.’ Sarah replied. ‘You have a job to do, so go do it. We’ll all be here tonight when you’re finished. Maybe you can bring a takeaway home with you as a treat for the kids.’

  ‘I’m going to stick around here today too.’ Ruby said to them both. ‘That’s if I’m not in the way.’

  ‘You have made yourself pretty much indispensable to me, Rubes.’ Sarah said to her.

  ‘Well, I can’t lie, I am pretty amazing,’ her friend replied in mock seriousness. She was delighted that she had been able to make Sarah smile. Things were going to be so hard over the coming months and Ruby vowed to herself that she’d be there for Sarah every step of the way.

  James was dressed and out the door in a few minutes. He called into his office as it was so early. He figured there was no point waking up Roger before six am. He turned on the computer and started looking for any reported incidents by courier companies in October. It was too easy really, as Sarah had given it to him on a plate. There it was in The Wexford Echo, a courier van was hijacked on its way to the depot, with over twenty computers taken. The driver sust
ained a broken nose during the attack with no possible suspects identified. Arlen Couriers were in Arklow, about thirty minutes away.

  He drove to the industrial estate where the courier company was based and wandered around the back, into a big warehouse.

  ‘Can I help you?’

  ‘Sure can.’ He flashed his badge. ‘I’m looking for a guy who works here called Tony O’Connor.’

  ‘You’re in luck; he’s on shift at the minute. Try the locker room.’

  He pointed in the direction of the back of the warehouse. James walked quickly to the locker room and a few minutes later he was face to face with the bold Tony.

  ‘You got a minute?’ James said to him.

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘I want to talk to you about the hijacking on October 3rd.’

  ‘I’ve told you lot everything I know.’ He said. ‘Not sure how I can help you?’

  ‘Maybe you could start by telling me how long you have been ripping off your employers?’ James asked bluntly.

  ‘What the …?’ Tony spluttered.

  ‘I know that you set up the hijacking, Tony, on Ballyaislinn beach and you were in on the whole thing.’

  The man’s face whitened with shock.

  ‘That’s a serious crime you committed there. You’re going to spend a long time behind bars for that one.’

  Tony was lost for words.

  ‘You’ll be relieved to hear that I’m not interested in what you were up to that night. I should be, but I have a bigger issue I need your help with. I want to know about the man you saw on the beach that night.’ James continued.

  ‘How do you know that?’ Tony asked. He’d never told anyone that he’d seen a soul.

  ‘That doesn’t matter. I’m going to need you to come to the station with me now. I need to find out exactly what you saw.’

  ‘I’m saying nothing.’ He said, finally finding his voice.

  ‘Then I’m going to charge you right now. Shall we do it here, or will I move us to the middle of the warehouse floor to ensure that everyone sees us?’

  ‘Hey man, no need for that. I’ll talk but only if I get something out of it.’ Tony said.

  ‘Come down the station and we’ll work something out.’ James said to him, sure that if he presented him to Roger, he’d make a deal, for the right information.