by Jamie Pope
“At man day. I like Mr. Tanner, Mommy. He’s really tall.”
“He is, baby.”
“I want to be tall, too. Was my daddy tall?”
Nova hesitated before she answered him. He had been asking more and more questions about his father lately. It made sense, especially since he had entered school. He saw all the other fathers coming to pick their kids up. They went on field trips and came to concerts. Teo had Wylie, who was frankly a better father than ninety-nine percent of the world, but her son wanted to know where he came from. What he would look like when he was older.
“Yes, your father w-was tall.” She stumbled over the word was. Elijah was dead to Teo. Dead to her. But the state of Mississippi had a different record of that.
“I look like him?”
“A little, but I think you really got all your good looks from your mama.” She pushed her fingers into his curls and stared down at him, her heart feeling so heavy. She thought back to that time just before she had him. Things had been bad between her and Elijah. He had been furious when his parents cut him off and cut ties after he stole from them to fuel his growing substance abuse. Nova had felt so damn stupid then. She had escaped one life with one substance abuser only to start a new one with another.
But she had been determined to save him, to fix him like she had failed to do with her mother. She should have known better. You can’t fix someone who doesn’t recognize that they are broken.
She didn’t want to expose a baby to that, but she just couldn’t bear the thought of being without her son.
He was her blessing. She knew she wasn’t a great mother, but she had tried her hardest to give him a better life than she had.
“I’m going to give you a bunch of kisses and then I want you to go back to sleep. I didn’t mean to wake you. I just wanted to say good night.”
“Why do you always tell me before you kiss me? Aunt Cass never asks. Mansi tells me I have to give her kisses.”
She didn’t know how to explain it to him without scaring him. Without making him distrustful of everyone he encountered. She didn’t want him to be like her. “I just want you to know that you are in charge of your body and you shouldn’t put up with anything that makes you uncomfortable. From anyone. You have to tell me if someone is touching your body. You have to tell me no matter what and I’ll make it stop.” She would kill for him. Without a doubt in her mind she would murder anyone who harmed her boy. It was another thing she would do for him that her mother couldn’t do for her.
“Mommy, are you going to cry?”
“No. I’m sorry. I’m being silly. I think I’m just tired.”
“It’s late.” He nodded. “You should go to bed.”
“Okay, Mr. Reed. I’ll go to bed.” She kissed his cheeks half a dozen times. She had to put up a front. She was the Teflon tough girl. Nothing bothered her. Everything bounced off of her, and she could maintain that face in front of nearly everyone. Except Teo. Tears always lurked beneath the surface and he could make them rise with just one look, or question, or smile. She didn’t want him to see that side of her. To know that she was a basket case. She didn’t want him to see the real her.
But if she took him to Boston, if it was just him and her, he would know. He would see the real her. She wouldn’t be able to hide it. “Good night, little one.”
“Good night, Mommy.”
She left the room and went to the other spare room that Mansi kept just for her. She felt dangerously close to sobbing. Not quiet crying. Not silent tears running down her face, but full chest-heaving sobs. It had been a good long while since she cried like that. And for some reason in that very moment, Tanner popped into her head. The night she cut his hair still hadn’t left her. The memory of his kiss stayed on her lips. His big hard body beneath hers. Supporting hers.
Somehow, some way she had come to trust him. Trust that he wouldn’t take advantage. Trust that he wouldn’t use her up and discard her. She had never felt like she was in control of him, but she did feel like she was in control when she was with him.
They had been dancing around this attraction for so long. She was woman enough to admit that her body wanted to be with his. That there was something insider of her that craved his touch. But she couldn’t allow herself to go there. She just couldn’t. And yet her phone was in her hand and she had already dialed his number.
He picked up immediately. “Nova, what’s wrong?” She could hear the alarm in his voice. “Where are you? I’ll come get you.”
“I’m fine, cowboy,” she told him, feeling a little warmth spread through her at the thought that he would drop everything if she needed him. “You don’t need to come charging to my rescue. I would call Wylie first anyway.”
“You’re sure? It’s one A.M.”
“I just got in from working a wedding. I guess I didn’t realize it was so late. I’m sorry. Go back to bed.”
“What’s wrong? The only late-night calls means something went wrong or something salacious is about to happen.”
“Are you suggesting that I am giving you a booty call?”
“I know you too well to suggest that,” he said chuckling. It was a low deep sound. It soothed her raw nerves. “Tell me what’s wrong, princess.”
“Can you just say something mean to me? I need to hear it tonight.”
“Okay,” he agreed easily. “I think about you far more than is healthy or necessary. I go to bed thinking about what it would be if you were curled up beside me. I think about kissing you all the time. I think about you, Nova, and I cannot seem to stop.”
She didn’t realize that she had been holding her breath until she felt dizzy. His words were mean, almost brutal. He knew how to get to her, how to knock the breath out of her. “You went too far,” she managed to say after a long silent moment. “You’re supposed to say that I look like a tramp, or that I don’t have the brains God gave a fish. You weren’t supposed to say that.”
“I don’t think you’re a tramp. I think you’re smart. I think you’re one of the smartest, most talented people I know.”
She had felt something then, something real and intense that only one other person in the world could bring out in her. And that person was her son. But there was Tanner with his silly little words, making her heart squeeze. Quite painfully. “I want you to stop this right now, Tanner. This is not funny.”
“Okay, Nova. You’re a tramp and you’re dumb. Are you happy?”
“What’s with you?”
“What’s with you? You call me at one A.M. and expect me to be on my best game?”
“I’m sorry I called.”
“Why? I’m not sorry you called.”
“There you go again. Quit it.”
“Are we ever going to talk about what seems to happen to us whenever you cut my hair?”
“It doesn’t just happen when I cut your hair. It’s just that we’re alone then and everything is heightened.”
“I don’t want you to stop cutting my hair. I look damn good. Maybe I should just come during the day when there are other people in the shop.”
“No.” She was going to say that maybe he shouldn’t come at all, but she couldn’t muster the words. “Come after the shop closes.”
“Why?”
“You know why.” She disconnected from him then, not wanting to say anymore. They had just admitted, aloud, for the first time, that there was something between them, and Nova realized that more than anything she was scared.
* * *
Tanner looked up from the wiring work he was doing to see a heavily pregnant woman standing in the doorway.
“Cass.” He grinned at Wylie’s wife. “What the hell are you doing here? Your husband is going to pass out if he sees that you’re on your feet. I heard you were supposed to be in bed.”
“I don’t want to be in bed anymore.” She waddled over to him and kissed his cheek. “He’s been treating me like I’m sick. I’m not sick. I’m pregnant. And I wanted to see how things
were going here. It looks like you guys are nearly done.”
“Yeah.” He looked around the house that some grateful family would be moving into soon. He and Wylie were government contractors here on Martha’s Vineyard to build affordable housing for middle-class people and to start a work training program for individuals who needed a fresh start and kids who were at risk. “We’ve already lined up another community on the Chilmark/West Tisbury line. We’ll have work there for at least the next two years.”
“I’m happy for you. You all do such good work. It makes sense that people would want you to stay here on the island.”
Cassandra’s statement made him pause.
Stay here on the island.
He only took the job because after he left the military he didn’t know what the hell he was going to do with himself. He had been in active war zones. He had been shot before. Hit by shrapnel, but it was a training exercise gone wrong and the death of a twenty-two-year-old kid that made him want to hang it all up. To take a break from the constant motion for a while. He thought would die from the lack of action, from the complete stillness at first. Even now, after a full year and a half out, sometimes the nights were so quiet he thought he would go insane. Because that’s when all the thoughts flooded him. Thoughts of his childhood, his way too wild teenaged years, his time at war. But his brain didn’t explode. Those thoughts hadn’t killed him.
He never planned to stay here for even this long, but if he stayed till the completion of this next community, he was committing to staying for a long span of his life. He didn’t have a home.
Could he see himself making one here?
“Should I take you around the community for a tour?” He extended his arm to her.
“I would love that.” She smiled. Cassandra was pretty, but pregnancy had transformed her into something truly amazing. He had met her as a frail, devastated woman, reeling over the loss of her first husband and unborn child in a shooting. But in the past year he had seen her bloom into a happy and beautiful woman.
He took her around the community, showing her the playground and the little pond they had put in. Most of the people who lived in the community were Native. They had been on the island since the beginning of time and had watched their land being sold away from them for millions of dollars, making it impossible for regular people to buy property there.
Wylie had been passionate about the project. He was from Alabama, born as white as white could be but his sister was Native through her father’s side. His adopted family was Native. And with their help he was making this island a place they never had to leave.
“It’s so wonderful here,” Cass said with a sigh. “I’m sorry we have to move so slowly. I’m as big as one of these houses you’ve built.”
“It’s not every day I get to take a walk with a beautiful woman.”
“I’m sure it could be every day, if you wanted it to be. I’ve seen the way the women around here look at you. You could have them eating out of your hand.”
“It’s not fun when they eat out of your hand. It’s the chase that excites me. Didn’t your husband have to chase you a little?”
“I think we had to chase each other. I wouldn’t take back marrying my first husband. I don’t think I would be the person I am today without having been married to him, but lately I find myself wishing that I could have started this life sooner. That I could have been married to Wylie longer. It’s a beautiful thing to wake up every morning and know the person you are meant to be with is right there beside you in bed.” She rubbed her belly. “And I get to make a family with him.”
“I’ve never seen him so happy, Cass. I didn’t think he could smile before you came here. Now he smiles all the time. You did that.”
“You know Wylie didn’t really have his own family growing up. He lived with my first husband’s family after his father died. He didn’t have contact with his mother for years. He never had a place to call his own, a family that he truly felt he belonged in. But now he does. He had Nova and Teo and Mansi. And now he has me and this baby and the other babies we are going to make.”
“You’re sure you want more kids already?”
“Of course. It would make Wylie so happy to have a large family.”
“And you?”
“Cass!” Wylie stepped out of one of the houses and came barreling over to her. “What’s the matter? Is it time? Why didn’t you call me? You know I have my phone on for you.”
“I’m fine, honey. I was just getting lonely at the house and wanted to see you.”
Wylie looked at his wife with such intense tenderness and Tanner had to turn away. “I would have come home.” He took her in his arms.
“I was bored there. You won’t even let me do laundry.”
“You’ve got one job and that’s to grow our baby. I can do everything else. If you would have called me, I would have kidnapped a circus troop to come entertain you.”
“You see, Tanner? This is why I want a big family with this man.”
* * *
Tanner left work that day feeling restless. He should be tired—building homes was hard, physical work—but he didn’t want to go back to that huge empty house. He got in his car and drove in the opposite direction, into town, and ended up at the soccer fields. It was Teo’s practice night. If someone would have asked him which night practice was, he wouldn’t have been able to tell them, but he must have subconsciously known. Subconsciously he wanted to be here. He spotted Nova immediately, his eyes zeroing on her even though there must have been twenty other people there.
She was alone in the visitor stands, far away from the other parents, as she watched her son.
It was still fairly cold for spring and she wore an oversized sweater that hung off of her shoulders, tight black pants, and black leather boots. Her hair was loose and softly curled. She was gorgeous as usual and he knew in his gut that she really had no idea how perfectly beautiful she was.
“Daddy Long Legs,” she said to him as he approached. She tilted her head to the side and studied him, almost as if she wasn’t sure she was seeing him correctly. “What are you doing here? It’s not even man day.”
“I was bored. Peewee soccer practice is the only thing going on in this town.”
“You need to get out more.”
“Do I?” He sat on the bleachers next to her. He didn’t know if it was purposefully or instinctively, but she moved closer to him. Her thigh pressed against his, their warmth combined. The urge to wrap his arm around her became overwhelming very quickly.
“There’s fun to be had here if you look for it in the right place.”
The look in her eye was seductive, but he knew that she wasn’t trying to seduce him. She was naturally sexy. It was why she was sitting on the opposite side of the field, away from the other mothers, a self-imposed exile. She may say that she didn’t care what they thought, but she did. She didn’t want to rock those women’s boring little worlds. “Do you have fun here?”
“I go out. I see people.”
“What people?”
“I date.”
“You lie.”
“How would you know? Everybody on the island knows how much I enjoy the company of men.”
“Don’t do that, Nova. Not with me. I know you aren’t seeing anyone. That you haven’t seen anyone since I’ve been here.”
“Then what’s your explanation for where I spend my Thursday nights?”
“I don’t know.” He frowned. “You’re going to tell me one day. But I know you aren’t with a man. You don’t let just anyone touch you.”
“Going on a date with a man doesn’t mean I’m having or will have sex with him.”
“I know that, but you’re the most beautiful woman in this town. If you went out with someone here he would brag about it. He would tell the whole damn world.”
Something flashed in her eyes, but it had disappeared so quickly that he wasn’t sure he had seen it in the first place. “Maybe I’m seeing an
older man. A rich, powerful man that needs to keep things discreet. Maybe he’s married and has a wife and three kids that he needs to protect.”
“And maybe you’re full of shit.” She was no man’s mistress. No man’s secret. No man’s second place. and more than that, he knew she wouldn’t do that to another woman.
“Everyone else is quick to believe that about me, even my brother. Why won’t you?”
“Why would you want me to?”
She said nothing, just picked up his hand and stroked his calloused palm with her long-nailed fingers. The simple touch sent a wave of intense sensations through his body and he knew that again, she wasn’t trying to turn him on. That this touch was absentminded, purely innocent on her part.
He didn’t bring attention to it. He didn’t want her to stop. Her touch was something only a very select few got to experience and he wanted to cherish it.
“I spoke to my grandfather last week,” he started.
“He said my parents are getting divorced.” Tanner wasn’t sure why he felt the need to tell her, but this was something that had been sitting beneath the surface for him since he learned of it.
“Why was he the one to tell you?”
“I guess you could say that my parents and I aren’t very close.”
“Not being close is one thing. Completely disregarding you is another.”
“I think you just summed up my entire relationship with them.” He was an adult. He had lived a full and exciting life without them. He shouldn’t be thinking about his childhood, or how lonely it had been. But the news of his parents’ divorce coming from his grandfather brought all that shit up again.
Why couldn’t one of them just have told him? How much effort would it have taken? He was their only child.
“They sound like assholes to me,” Nova said softly. He looked into her eyes and she gave him a sheepish grin. “No offense.”
“You’re right.” He grinned back at her. “They fought. Incessantly. I think I was seven before I realized that all parents didn’t scream at each other all day, every day. They need to divorce. They should have gotten one thirty years ago.”
