Right Kind of Wrong

by Sara Rider

  They looked at her nervously. The same way Eli had looked at her earlier when he took in the state of her hair.

  “I’m fine, I promise.” She smoothed the messy strands as best she could. “I’ll be good as new in no time. Besides, it would be a shame to miss the festival after this terrible winter.”

  “Well, you just let us know if you change your mind, or if there’s anything else you need,” Carol said. They left with a promise to check on her later.

  It wasn’t even noon yet, and Julia found herself exhausted and grateful to return to the couch. Maybe everyone was right. Maybe she did need to take it easy. As much as she hated to admit it, Eli and Jake were right that they could take on some of her work. She opened her laptop, deciding to finally get started on those French lessons she’d always wanted to do but never had time for.

  The next half hour spent conjugating verbs turned out to be nowhere near as romantic and fun as she’d anticipated, and she finally had to admit to herself that the only reason she wanted to learn French in the first place was to properly pronounce words like carte-blanche, raison d’être, and pamplemousse. She closed the laptop, feeling unshakably frustrated.

  Her tummy rumbled and she remembered the casserole. She served up a dish for herself and devoured it in record time. It was the first thing she’d eaten all day, and it was delicious. When she finished, she made herself some coffee and opened up the anniversary event file on her laptop. The planning was pretty well on track, but there was always something to do. She opened the slideshow—a task she would normally leave to the family, but in this case she couldn’t trust any of the younger Kiesselburgers to do it. She spent the next hour making tweaks and adjustments to it, telling herself this barely counted as work.

  When that was done, she went over the decorations and finalized the remaining decisions, then chased down a few more outstanding RSVPs so she could get started on the travel arrangements. The next few hours passed in a blur as she sank into work, fueling herself with coffee and another helping of Carol’s casserole.

  By midafternoon, she was exhausted all over again. Normally, she could get by on very little sleep, but she’d been pushing her limits for weeks now and the near all-nighter at the hospital had almost done her in. Maybe a nap would help.

  She’d just climbed into her bed when her phone rang. It was Eli. She answered the call. “What’s up?”

  “Nothing. Just calling to check up on you.”

  “I’m fine. Just bored out of my mind.” The pause that followed lasted long enough to make her nervous. “Eli, why are you really calling?”

  His slow exhalation whooshed through the receiver. “There’s a small problem.”

  A million worst-case scenarios raced through her mind. “What?”

  “No one can find the weekly trivia night questions. I checked your work laptop, but I think I accidentally deleted the folder.”

  She grumbled a little but managed rather courageously to avoid scolding her brother for messing in her files. “I keep a backup flash drive in my desk drawer.”

  “I can’t find it.”

  Julia held her breath for a count of five, then rolled out of bed. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll be right over to fix this.”

  8

  Fergus pulled the cartoon drawing out of his pocket and stared at it for the thousandth time since the Love Your Library event a week ago. He’d been too shocked to form any kind of coherent opinion about it when he first found it. Instead, he’d reacted in the most primal, physical way possible. Even now, he could barely make sense of it. Julia was attracted to him—the drawing made that perfectly clear—but she’d been so embarrassed at the thought of him finding the drawing that she’d risked her life crawling through a window to keep him from seeing it.

  And even though she’d kissed him back like she needed his lips to breathe, she’d asked him to forget all about it. So he did. Sort of.

  He was trying to, but she’d been invading his mind all week. He hadn’t felt this way about a woman in so long, he didn’t know how to process all the feelings squirming like newborn puppies inside him. He was an expert at gathering information, sorting it into logical categories, and making sense of things that confused most people. But when it came to Julia, every thought and instinct was choked by uncertainty and self-doubt.

  He tucked the cartoon back in his pocket. He should probably throw it away. Or maybe give it back to her. She would probably be horrified to know he still had it. In truth, it should have bothered him, too. He hated the way people stared at him for the way he looked.

  As much as her rejection stung, it was for the best. No matter how much he liked kissing Julia, he wasn’t in a place to break promises to Emily.

  “Hey, Fergus,” Mia called to him from the door to the back office. “An interlibrary loan came in.”

  He looked up at her curiously. Loans came in all the time. It wasn’t exactly something he needed to know about. “Put it on the shelf and notify the patron.”

  Mia gave an exasperated sigh. “The loan belongs to Julia Hardin.”

  “Okay,” he said cautiously.

  Mia rolled her eyes. “I thought you could bring the book to her.”

  “Why?”

  “Because,” she said like he was a kindergartner not understanding the class rules, “you and her have that…thing going on.”

  His eyes bugged out and he rose to his feet. “There’s no thing.” He turned away from Mia and started wiping the table, despite the fact it was perfectly clean.

  “Okay, I guess I was wrong. I suppose I can just leave this copy of Torrents of the Heart on the loan shelf for everyone to see.” She held up the book and examined the cover with an exaggerated grin. “I mean, who wouldn’t appreciate this cover?”

  He stalked back to Mia and tore the book from her hands while she burst into laughter. “Not funny.”

  This was exactly why he’d never told anyone about his past career as a cover model. He’d been in grad school at the time and Nicole was in her second year of med school when she’d discovered she was pregnant. Money was beyond tight and modeling was a quick way to earn an extra buck without having to travel far or put in long hours that would take him away from his family.

  When Emily was ten years old, she’d come across one of his ads for a watch company in Nicole’s collection of mementos that she kept in a shoebox in her bedroom closet. Emily claimed it was the grossest thing she’d ever seen, despite the fact it was nothing more than a photo of him in a tuxedo doing his best James Bond impression. If Emily ever discovered the romance novel covers he’d posed for—the ones where he was shirtless and dressed variously like a pirate, a duke, a cop, and even once in a shoot he’d rather forget, a vampire, all the while clutching a variety of beautiful women—she would probably be horrified.

  He wasn’t ashamed of the work on a theoretical level, but Torrents of the Heart was, without a doubt, the worst cover he’d ever done. It wasn’t the loincloth that bothered him so much, or the fact the other model had dug her fingernails so deeply into his chest as to draw real blood at the shoot director’s suggestion. No, what still haunted him all these years later was the third arm jutting from the side of his torso like some wild, alien appendage. That particular Photoshop mishap had caused a stir, though luckily for him that was before social media had truly exploded the way it had now, and the book had long since faded into obscurity.

  “It is so funny,” Mia managed to say in between her laughter. “How come you didn’t tell me about your secret past? Are there others? We could do a whole shelf dedicated to your books.”

  “No!” He hadn’t meant to yell, and it immediately made him feel guilty. He hated feeling guilty. “I don’t like talking about this.”

  “Why not? It’s so cool,” Mia said, showing no trace of hurt or insult. “If it were me, I would be telling everyone. But, hey, you do you. I just can’t promise that no one else will find out about it if you leave the book here for everyone to se
e.”

  Fergus rubbed the throbbing pulse in the middle of his forehead. “Fine. I’ll take the book to Julia.”

  Mia just grinned in response.

  Fergus carried Julia’s book in one of the leftover Love Your Library tote bags and walked into the Holy Grale, hefting the bag close to his chest like it weighed a hundred pounds. He’d added a bunch of other new acquisitions that he thought she would like, partly because he hoped she would appreciate the effort, and partly to distract her from the Torrents of the Heart cover until he was well out of sight.

  It was Saturday night and the place was jam-packed. He’d only been here once before—that afternoon he’d come to find Julia after she’d been hired to plan their event. He would have tried her apartment first, but he didn’t actually know where she lived.

  He managed to find his way through the crowds to the bar where Jake was pouring pints for the customers.

  “Hey, Fergus. Good to see you,” Jake said, practically shouting to be heard over the noise. “What can I get for you?”

  “Is Julia here? I need to talk to her.”

  Jake gave him a look Fergus couldn’t quite decipher, then grabbed another pint glass and filled it with a dark stout that capped off in a thick, foamy head. He slid it across the bar. Fergus started to pull out his wallet, but Jake shook his head. “On the house. You’re going to need it if you want to talk to Julia tonight.”

  Fergus took a sip to be polite despite not wanting to stay any longer than necessary, but as soon as the cool stout hit his tongue, he knew he had no choice but to finish the entire thing.

  “That’s damn good,” he said. “Thank you.”

  Jake smiled. “Oh God Yes Oat Stout. One of Eli’s specialties. I figured you’d be a stout lover.”

  “You guessed right.” Not that it was a hard thing to guess. Fergus appreciated all beers equally, but this was by far the best stout he’d ever tasted. He took another sip, savoring the flavor before asking the question teetering on the edge of his mind. “Why is Julia here if her arm is broken? Shouldn’t she be home resting?”

  Fergus had only come to the Holy Grale because he didn’t know where she lived, and he figured it would be easier to just drop the book off at her office without actually having to have a conversation about the cover. But now that he was here, all he could think about was how much he wanted to see her again. How much he wanted to kiss her once more.

  Again, Jake made the face. “Are you sure you want to talk to her? I could relay a message if you want.”

  “Where is she?”

  Jake sighed. “Back office. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  Fergus grabbed his glass and headed in the direction Jake indicated.

  The hallway behind the bar provided only a modest respite from the noise. He raised his fist to knock when he reached Julia’s office, but the door flew open and she barreled out like a stampeding bull, thwacking him in the stomach with her cast and sending the contents of his beer flying everywhere.

  Julia shrieked and stepped backward, pulling her cast to her chest, holding it like she’d broken her arm all over again.

  “Sorry,” Fergus said, standing there useless as a tree stump in a puddle of beer, unsure what else to say.

  A flash of rage passed over her face as she wiped the rivulets of stout from her face, but her expression softened almost immediately afterward, like she didn’t have the stamina to hold on to her anger. “No, it was my fault. I was in a rush to get these extra menus to Jake. I should have been more careful.”

  “Why are you rushing anywhere?”

  “Because I can still work with a broken arm and there’s a ton to do and Eli and Jake need my help,” she said with a practiced refrain that made him think she’d said it many times this week.

  “All right, well, here are your library books.” He held the tote bag to her, not wanting to get too close or come off like a creep. “Your loan came in.”

  Her chin jutted upward. “I could have gotten it myself.”

  “I know, but I brought it to you anyway.” The muscles in his jaw tensed. He did not want to be here giving her a stack of books that included Torrents of the Heart, and her stubbornness was making it a million times harder to go through with it. He turned and started to walk away.

  “Wait.” She took the bag from him, then said with forced politeness, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. I’m just a little on edge today. Thank you for bringing these books to me.”

  “No big deal.”

  Her expression was inscrutable, but her hand slipped inside her cast, furiously trying to scratch the unreachable skin.

  “You should use a knitting needle,” he said quickly.

  “Oh. That’s a good idea. Thank you.”

  For a moment, they stood there in an awkward silence. He wanted to steal the tote bag back before she ever found out what it contained. He wanted to brush the sticky, wet strands of hair off her face. He wanted to pull her close and kiss her again. Feel the softness of her skin. Break past her walls.

  A blush crept over her cheeks and he thought she was going to say something, but she turned and retreated to her office. He waited a little longer, unsure if she was coming back. When he realized he didn’t know what he would say if she did, he decided it was time to leave.

  Jake and Eli blocked his way out of the hallway. “You need to go back in there,” Jake said.

  He stared down at the two men. “Why?”

  “Because you’re the only one who can,” Eli said dramatically.

  Fergus raised his eyebrows, wishing he’d actually gotten to drink the stout before having this conversation.

  “She’s been on a rampage all week,” Eli explained.

  “She’s supposed to be resting, but she won’t listen to us. Every time we try to encourage her to take a break, she reacts like the building is on fire,” Jake said. “You’re the first person she’s actually spoken to calmly. Hell, she even apologized to you. Do you understand how rare that is?”

  “It’s like pigs flying in a snowstorm in July,” Eli said.

  “She’s an adult,” Fergus said. “She can figure out her own life.”

  Eli crossed his arms. “So that’s why you brought her library holds over?”

  “I was just trying to be helpful.” The spilled beer was starting to dry, leaving a sticky film on his skin. All he wanted was to go home and shower it off.

  “And that’s all we want to do, too,” Eli pleaded. “But I’m her older brother. She’s hardwired to ignore everything I say and defy me even if it kills her. She’ll listen to you. Please just try. We’re all worried she’s going to burn herself out.”

  Fergus grumbled as memories of Julia climbing too high up on a ladder with those ridiculously tall heels flooded his mind, and his resistance crumbled. Julia didn’t need him or anyone else to tell her what to do, or how to live her life, but maybe she needed a friend right now. Or maybe he just wanted an excuse to talk to her again. Maybe he was just an idiot. He handed the now-empty pint glass to Jake and went back to Julia’s office.

  He knocked. The door swung open from the force of his knuckles.

  Julia was at her desk, head turned away and fingers trailing absently over the embossed lettering of one of the library books. Her red hair was damp on one side, flattened against her face from the beer he’d spilled. He’d never seen her so unguarded. He doubted many people had, and he cherished this brief glimpse. All the exhaustion and worry and fear she never let anyone see was written on her pale skin, on the sag of shoulders, on the distant look in her eyes. He rapped his knuckles against the doorframe to let her know he was there.

  Her head whipped up and she quickly tucked the book away, eyes sharp and suspicious once more. “Yeah?”

  “Your brother and Jake want me to talk to you.”

  She groaned. “Let me save you the effort. I need to slow down and take care of myself and let other people handle things for a while so I don’t reinjure myself, even tho
ugh Eli and Jake are both total hypocritical control freaks who can’t bear to delegate a single thing.”

  Fergus winced and scratched the back of his neck. “No.”

  She gave him a skeptical look.

  “They want me to come here and talk sense into you, but you’re a grown woman who can make her own decisions. I only came back here to get them off my back, and hopefully yours, too.”

  Defensiveness peeled off her in a slow, ebbing wave. “Oh. Well, have a seat. It’ll take a few minutes at least if you want them to believe you made a real effort.”

  He did, and it was just as awkward as he expected. It made no sense that two people could share a kiss that intense in one moment, and struggle to maintain eye contact in another. “Maybe you should yell at me or something. Try to make it convincing,” he said.

  She pursed her lips like she was considering it, then shook her head. “Tempting, but no. I don’t think I have it in me right now. Contrary to what everyone believes, I’m not actually a raging hothead. I just want to do a good job. I want to be proud of my work. And if I tell Eli or Jake that I’m feeling a little burned out, they’ll act like the world is falling apart. I know I need to take a break, but I don’t want to. I don’t want them to think I’m replaceable. I don’t want to feel replaceable. That probably sounds dumb, but it’s true.”

  He shook his head. “It’s not dumb at all. It’s hard when the people closest to you don’t see the real you. Sometimes we get so invested in our idea of a person that we can’t see how they grow and change.”

  A blush fell across her cheeks. “I guess I should apologize for the way I perceived you before I got to know you. I never meant for you to see that drawing.”

  “I’m not upset by it. If anything, I’m guilty of misjudging you, too.”

  “I can’t blame you for that.” She inhaled deeply. “Sometimes I don’t think even I know myself all that well.”

  The vulnerability in her words hooked into his chest, seizing him with a desire to hold her. Comfort her. “You’re not a simple woman, Julia.”