How to Fall in Love Again: Kitty's Story

by Amanda Prowse

  ‘It’s funny, I consider you one of my oldest friends, you are one of my oldest friends and yet I feel a little awkward. We haven’t spent much time alone together, have we?’ Theo sipped at his glass of wine. ‘Yesterday, when you were in the bath, I felt I should hide in my room, give you some privacy. It felt like spying on a stranger and yet we’ve known each other for most of our lives.’

  ‘Yep, I suppose our situation is a little odd.’ Kitty tried to look a little surprised, as if she hadn’t just been having very similar thoughts.

  ‘Apart from picking Sophie up and dropping her off, this week is the first time I’ve properly been inside this house. And the first time I’ve eaten with you, just the two of us.’

  ‘Yes, probably. If you don’t count cake.’ Kitty silently cursed the words the moment they left her mouth. They were embarrassing, drawing attention to that long-ago afternoon when he had seen her naked, when they had made Sophie. She glanced down at where her wine glass rested against her thickened middle and considered the various other bits of padding she’d acquired; she reached up and touched the space beneath her chin, aware of the loss of definition to her jaw. Theo’s physique had fared well, better than hers, she thought, looking at his slightly weathered face and his dark curly hair. It had thinned, certainly, but was still striking. Age had mellowed his shyness too.

  ‘I told Sophie about our cake-sharing a while ago. She was intrigued!’ Theo arched an eyebrow. ‘I think she can only see us as her middle-aged parents and not the young things we once were.’

  ‘Mmm. And because we’ve never been together, she’s probably keen for any glimpse of that. It must make her feel more secure.’

  ‘I think she is secure, Kitty, despite our best efforts to cock up her childhood.’ He raised his glass to her. ‘You did a good job, you and Angus.’

  ‘Thank you, Theo. That means the world.’

  There was a pause. They both took several sips of their drinks.

  ‘Have you forgiven Angus?’ Theo reached down and stroked Gunner’s silky ears. ‘I mean, I know it’s a long time ago now, and Sophie and Olly are obviously very much at ease with the whole situation, but I don’t know…’ He paused. ‘It must be tough.’

  ‘It was, but not so much now. I was angry for a long time. Angus became scarily good at leading a double life… He was like a photographer who clicked his fingers trying to get my attention, and I was so busy looking at that hand, I didn’t see what the other was doing. But I wasn’t exactly blameless either…’

  She looked up at Theo. He held her gaze and gave a reassuring little nod.

  They’d had a big conversation two nights earlier, Theo asking sweet, gently probing questions about Angus’s reaction to her pregnancy with Sophie, listening intently as she’d tried to make it clear how Angus had held all the cards, how her being so grateful to him for not rejecting her had made her blind to what was really going on.

  She coughed. ‘I should never have cheated on him, no matter that it was spur of the moment and we were sloshed.’ She swirled her glass. ‘That’s no excuse, I know, and I sometimes wonder if it was me trying to find a way out, you know, as if my subconscious was kicking me, acting on something that had lain dormant in me for a number of years.’ She felt bold admitting this.

  Theo returned his attention to Gunner.

  ‘But now, if anything, I feel sorry for Angus. He felt he couldn’t be himself, denied his sexuality and we all suffered because of it. His parents are very odd, narrow-minded and a bit mean, and he was confused, fighting against nature, which is tough, impossible. It was very different for me than if he’d cheated on me with a woman. I knew I could never compete. I had nothing that he wanted and that made me feel…’

  ‘Rejected. Useless.’

  ‘Yes.’ She nodded, wondering if Theo, like her, was thinking of the letter she’d written him.

  She took a deep breath. ‘But you know what, Theo, we’re all in our fifties nearly, not kids any more, and life feels settled. I don’t care about the things I used to care about, and the things I didn’t use to care about now feel terribly important. It seems to me that life is like a constantly moving see-saw and once you get past middle-age you stop worrying about which way it tilts and start just enjoying the ride.’

  ‘I can’t say I’m enjoying much at the moment.’ He sniffed.

  ‘I know, but you will, Theo.’

  To her horror, he placed his hand over his eyes and started to sob once again. ‘I miss her so much. I can’t stand it!’

  And just like that, she was reminded of her friend’s very raw grief and the reason he was there.

  *

  By the time Theo had been there a full fortnight, the two had fallen into a routine of sorts. It was now Thursday evening and Kitty was listening to the rain hitting the windows post-supper. Theo sat down at the kitchen table and opened the newspaper.

  ‘Has Gunner been out for his run?’ Kitty bent down to pet the dog’s beautiful ears.

  ‘Yes, I took him earlier. Thankfully before the deluge.’

  ‘Cup of tea, Theo?’

  ‘Yes, please.’

  His telephone buzzed on the tabletop. She tried not to listen in to his conversation, but it was hard not to.

  ‘No, not at all, just about to have a cup of tea.’ He paused. ‘Yes. Yes, I know.’

  Kitty left him to it and went into the sitting room to plump the cushions, gather the dirty mugs that lurked by the sides of the chairs and swoosh her hand over the dusty mantelpiece. She heard Theo laugh softly and felt a flash of joy at the lovely sound, which rippled through the house.

  She bit her lip and tried to remember the Serenity Prayer she’d learnt in school. Truth was, it was doing her no good living in such close proximity to this man. It unsettled her, how quickly she’d got used to his presence at the breakfast table, the sound of him visiting the bathroom at night, the scent of him lingering on a towel. It was a reminder of a life she couldn’t have. She tried to remember all the pluses of living a solitary life: being able to swig straight from the juice carton, wander around in her knickers, break into spontaneous song if the mood took her, eat nothing but heavily buttered crackers for supper and fart on the sofa at will. She walked now towards the dishwasher, gripping the dirty mugs tightly.

  ‘That was Spud.’ He nodded at the phone on the table.

  ‘How’s he doing?’

  ‘Good. I’m surprised you couldn’t hear him – his voice carries.’

  ‘He calls a lot. He’s a good friend to you, Theo.’ She remembered their conversation at Anna’s funeral.

  ‘He is. He promised to call every day and he has. I’ve told him there is absolutely no need, but he says it puts his mind at rest.’

  She knew how that felt. It was the same for her with the kids.

  ‘He says he’s checking in, but I think “checking up” would be more accurate. He and Kumi have invited me to go and stay…’ He sighed. ‘They have the space, but there’s a new grandchild, a little boy, and… It’s such a happy time, I think in my present mood I might only take the joy out of the moment. Plus it’s such a long way.’

  ‘Ah, a little boy! Spud said his daughter was expecting. How lovely. What’s his name?’

  ‘Kento.’

  ‘Kento… I haven’t heard that before, it’s nice.’ Kento, Kento… She practised the sound in her head.

  ‘Miyu becoming a mum makes me feel very old.’

  ‘You are very old.’

  ‘There you go again with your sugary compliments.’ They both chuckled. ‘But it’s a privilege, isn’t it, getting older? I never really thought of it like that until recently, but I know I would have been thankful for every extra year Anna got. It’s made me think of my friend, Mr Porter – you remember the groundsman?’

  ‘I do indeed.’ She looked at him wistfully as he ran his finger over the fishing fly pinned inside his shirt pocket. He did that quite a lot.

  ‘He and his wife only got weeks together af
ter the war. That feels especially cruel, doesn’t it? To be separated by conflict only to be denied a life together afterwards. I didn’t overly consider the tragedy of it until I lost Anna.’

  ‘That is sad.’

  ‘I’m not going to go to Washington.’ He rallied. ‘The thought of being fussed over by Spud’s neurotic wife is more than I can stand. It’s kind of them to offer though,’ he added.

  ‘It is kind.’ She poured the water from the reboiled kettle onto the teabags.

  ‘Shall we watch our next episode of MasterChef?’ he asked.

  ‘Ooh yes, what time?’

  He looked at his phone. ‘On in twenty minutes.’

  She smiled, thinking how nice it was to share this small thing with him, watching the programme they loved with a cup of tea. She looked at Theo and he held her eye and something seemed to stir, a realisation, an awakening that was both unexpected and disturbing.

  Theo cleared his throat and folded his newspaper. ‘I guess I should start thinking about going home. I can’t stay here forever, getting under your feet.’

  Kitty turned to face him. ‘You are not under my feet. You go when you’re ready, Theo. No rush. But you do need to go home. You need to get back on track, and being here, as welcome as you are, both of you…’ She looked at Gunner with fondness. ‘… it feels a bit like hiding out, and that won’t take you forward, not in the long run.’

  ‘No. At least I’ve stopped trying to seek oblivion in the bottom of a whisky bottle.’

  ‘Yes! And I am glad about that. Anna wouldn’t want you permanently pissed or moping around.’

  ‘I know. I do feel a bit better.’ He cleared his throat again. ‘I can’t imagine my heart hurting any less than it does and I can’t imagine not seeing her behind my eyelids every time I blink, but I don’t feel like I’m falling any more, so that’s good. Solid ground beneath my feet and all that.’

  ‘Maybe your heart won’t ever hurt any less, maybe how it is now is your new normal and you have to find a way to build a life around it.’

  I have had to do that, Theo, more than once, and it’s possible, if not easy…

  He nodded. ‘Thank you for having me here, Kitty. It has meant more to me than you will ever know.’

  ‘Any time, my old friend.’ She placed the mug of tea in front of him. And to me too, my dear old friend, my Theo. I shall miss your presence more than I could ever say, but I know it’s the right thing, for us both. Time to move on. We mustn’t dwell on what might have been. ‘I will always be a short cab ride away or on the end of a phone, okay?’

  ‘Okay.’ Theo forced a smile and stared up at her and just for an instant he looked like the boy who had sat opposite her in the booth, the one with whom she had shared a slice of dry Victoria sponge. ‘I’ll go and put the telly on.’

  ‘Righto!’ She beamed as he and Gunner lumbered from the kitchen. ‘I’ll be in in just a mo.’ She took a second to brace her arms on the countertop and close her eyes to stop the maddening flow of tears.

  *

  ‘So Theo has gone back to Barnes?’ Kitty could tell that Tizz was eating as she spoke into the receiver.

  ‘Yes, the day before yesterday. The house feels very quiet. What is it you are eating so noisily?’

  ‘Chocolates, left over from Daisy-Belle’s birthday party.’

  ‘Aren’t they Daisy-Belle’s?’

  ‘Not any more.’ Tizz laughed. ‘Are you missing him – Theo?’

  ‘No! Not at all. It was good to help him out, the right thing to do, but I need my space.’

  ‘Oh God, yes! Above all you need your space, Kitty!’ Tizz laughed.

  ‘What do you mean by that? What are you insinuating?’

  ‘Nothing! I’m just saying that you have this hot guy under your roof who you have been intimate with in the past and all you can think about is when you can get the sofa to yourself! You could have had some fun!’

  ‘Christ, Tizz! He is grieving the loss of his wife. He is about as far from wanting to have fun as it’s possible to be.’ She tutted loudly to emphasise her dislike of the topic.

  ‘Ah, I notice you aren’t saying you’re against it, but rather that he’s not ready. Very interesting…’

  ‘You are putting words into my mouth!’

  ‘If you say so. I’m not sure I ever asked, but what was sex like with Theo?’

  ‘For God’s sake, that was thirty years ago, Tizz! I am not talking about it now!’

  ‘Why not? I’m just curious. I mean, you don’t have to say, but it’s good to chat like this.’

  ‘Good for who? Not me. You are just so nosey!’ Kitty giggled.

  ‘Only because I care.’

  ‘It was lovely.’

  ‘Lovely? Is that all I’m getting?’

  ‘Yes.’ Kitty smiled, not only at the memory but also at the use of the word. ‘It was lovely.’

  ‘So if you had to give both him and Angus a score out of—’

  ‘Oh for God’s sake! I am not prepared to talk about this with you any more. It’s bloody nuts.’

  ‘I know when you’re holding back.’ Tizz wasn’t giving up.

  Kitty was as surprised as her friend by the sudden, noisy onset of tears.

  ‘Oh God, Kitty, I am so sorry, darling, I wouldn’t upset you for the world. I was only teasing! I feel terrible. I thought it was funny, trying to make you talk about sexy stuff!’

  ‘It’s not your fault.’ Kitty took a breath. ‘Sex with Theo was beautiful, just beautiful, and having him here has been so nice, like letting me look through a little window at a world that I can never live in. I will be okay, I will,’ she said determinedly. ‘But I’m not okay right now.’

  ‘You don’t know what’s around the corner, Kitty. You—’

  ‘I do. I do know, and it’s not that, so the sooner I stop thinking those thoughts, the better. Anyway…’ She sat up straight and pulled herself together. ‘The reason for my call was to tell you I’m taking a little bit of time away from the gallery and going up to stay with Dad for a week or so. If there are any problems with the house, you have your key, right?’

  ‘I do. Are you going alone?’

  Kitty caught the suggestive tone to her question.

  ‘Yes, I am going alone. Now sod off.’ She laughed, wiping away the last of her tears. ‘I’ll call you when I’m back.’

  ‘Love you! Safe travels!’

  ‘Love you too.’ Kitty ended the call and looked at the open suitcase on her bed. She listened to the quiet of the house and pictured Theo sitting in the chair by the fireplace with Gunner by his feet. Maybe Tizz was right. It had been nice to have company…

  ‘Oh don’t be ridiculous, Kitty. You are a grown bloody woman, not a teenager.’ She slammed the lid of her suitcase and zipped it up with more force than was necessary.

  *

  It was as she programmed the satnav and placed her handbag on the front seat of her Golf that she decided to give Theo a quick ring.

  ‘How are you doing? Settled back home okay?’

  ‘Yes.’ He took a breath. ‘I still don’t like it here, but I feel able to cope, which is progress, I guess.’

  ‘It is! Massive progress. Be kind to yourself, Theo. Be patient. You’ve been through a lot, you have to give yourself time.’

  ‘Yup. I was thinking I wish I hadn’t taken early retirement. It seemed like a good idea when I wanted to spend my days at home, but now…’

  ‘You need a project.’

  ‘Yes, I do.’ He sniffed. ‘A project.’

  ‘Anyway, I shan’t keep you.’ She glanced at the clock. She needed to leave soon to avoid the London rush hour. ‘Just wanted to let you know I’m going up to Scotland to stay with my dad for a week or so.’

  ‘Oh, how are you getting up there?’

  ‘I’m driving.’

  ‘Driving? That’s some road trip. Well, be careful, won’t you. Take it steady.’

  She liked the note of concern in his reaction. ‘I will. I
’ve done it a million times and I stop in the same three places for coffee, the loo and a nap.’

  ‘Sounds like you have it down to a fine art.’

  ‘I do.’ She nodded. ‘Call any time, Theo, if things get you down or you just want to talk. I know Sophie’s around, but it can’t do any harm to have me as a back-up to her and Spud.’

  ‘Thanks, Kitty. I think I might set a fire. It’s chilly tonight.’

  ‘Yes. Well, night-night, Theo. And, look, if you get lonely, come up to Darraghfield. Come to Scotland!’ She felt the sting of embarrassment on her cheeks, as if she had overstepped a mark. She bit her thumb, silently cursing Tizz for her stupid and fanciful suggestions that had undoubtedly influenced her offer. Idiot.

  ‘Thank you,’ he replied coolly.

  What was I thinking? As she indicated out of her street and onto the Hare and Billet Road, she turned up the radio and sang loudly, ‘If I could turn back time…’

  *

  Kitty pulled the shoulder of lamb from the Aga and placed it on the stained cork tablemat in the centre of the kitchen table. She stood still and looked at her dad, who sat at the head of the table, his beard thinner and now peppered with grey, his face a little gaunt, but his demeanour calm.

  ‘God, Dad, after all this time, I was counting in my head three plates, three sets of cutlery…’

  ‘I know.’ He looked skywards. ‘I still do it. I chat to her during the day, just the odd thing here and there, telling her what I might have for breakfast or if Patrick’s called with any of his news. And I talk about the photos that Ruraigh and Hamish send of the kids and of course I keep her up to date with all that Soph and Olly get up to.’ He smiled at her, his wonderful crinkly eyes almost closing, as if giving thanks, his look confirming that his grandchildren, indeed his family, were still his greatest joy. ‘These chats I have with her are so real, so relevant that when I pop the kettle on, I often grab two mugs…’