How to Fall in Love Again: Kitty's Story

by Amanda Prowse

  ‘I guess we all have those regrets, those “what if” moments. Since losing Anna, I’ve often wished I could go back to the start of our marriage and do things differently.’

  ‘In what way?’

  His gaze dropped. ‘I wasn’t always as emotionally present as I could have been, not in the beginning.’

  ‘Emotionally present? Is this your ex therapist speaking?’

  ‘Yes.’ He laughed and she liked his honesty.

  He looked out at the big Highlands sky. ‘We had a rough start. Anna was terribly keen for us to have kids, I denied her that and… and that will haunt me forever. Then she found out about Sophie in a way that was very hurtful to her, and… we spent some time apart.’ His voice got wobbly, but he collected himself and continued. ‘But then we came to our senses and kind of settled into each other. We had everything we wanted – a simple life with our dog Griff, and then Molly, who was a lovely puppy, and then Gunner. Everything except kids.’

  Kitty finished her glass and reached for the bottle of wine by her side. ‘It’s sad you didn’t get to adopt in the end.’

  ‘It is, but Anna came to dearly love being part of Sophie’s life. Her role as second mum was one of her most cherished.’

  Kitty smiled; she knew this.

  ‘And she had our niece, Kaylee, who’s now a mum herself. And her godsons, the twins from St Lucia, now both grown-up, of course, both lawyers with their own practice in New York. Lovely boys. Who I think you might have met?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘They all flocked to her, all of them. And it was enough, as the years went by. It satisfied her craving for motherhood. And we liked our time alone.’

  ‘I don’t think Angus and I ever liked our time alone. He was always a little on edge, as if he needed to be elsewhere, and that unease was quite infectious. He made me jumpy.’

  ‘Your dad is still mad with him and I understand that. If someone led Sophie along like that…’

  ‘I get it too.’ There was really nothing more Kitty wanted to say on the topic.

  ‘I could never have cheated on Anna. My dad was a serial philanderer and it still punches me in the gut if I think about his behaviour.’

  ‘Because you are a good man, Theo.’

  ‘So people tell me. I don’t know about that, but I know that when Anna and I started out I was selfish, so selfish.’ He shook his head.

  ‘You can’t keep beating yourself up, Theo. Not forever.’

  ‘And yet you still reflect on how Angus was dishonest or, at the very least, selfish. I think we both agree that you owe it to your spouse to be open about the grand plan, about what you’re hoping for out of the marriage. Otherwise it’s not fair: one leads and the other gets dragged along, hoping they can stay upright on the path that only one of you can see…’

  ‘I guess so. And yes, if that’s how it is, then it’s bloody selfish!’ she said frostily.

  There was an awkward silence.

  ‘Sorry, Theo, I shouldn’t have said that. I just get angry when I remember what it felt like to know I’d been “dragged along”, as you put it.’

  He looked over at her. ‘Do you think less of me, if that’s what I did to Anna?’

  ‘Yes, a little bit. She was so wonderful, open, kind.’

  He sighed and gave a small nod. ‘I hate myself for having done those things. I hate my weakness, my deceit and most of all I hate the hurt I caused.’

  Kitty stayed quiet.

  ‘I was afraid, so afraid. Cowardly, really. I should have listened to her.’

  ‘But you didn’t.’

  ‘No, I didn’t. Her constant attempts at reassurance just messed with my head and I know she… she deserved better, much better.’

  ‘We all do.’ Kitty wrapped her arms around her trunk, trying to ward off the chill that was creeping into her bones. The sob that left her chest was quite unexpected, and it was followed by a steady torrent of tears that were one part sadness, two parts Chardonnay.

  ‘Oh, Kitty, don’t cry.’ He reached over and took her hand.

  She liked the feeling of her hand curled in his warm palm. She liked it very much. It was rare to feel the joy of human contact. Slipping from her chair, she came to kneel in front of him and laid her head on the tartan blanket that covered his knees.

  ‘Sometimes, if I let myself think about everything, it all feels too much,’ she whispered hoarsely.

  He leant forward and she felt the touch of his palm against her scalp. Her tears continued to fall, her sadness anchoring them to the spot.

  ‘Don’t cry,’ he whispered. ‘Please don’t cry. I hate to see you so sad. Talk to me.’

  She shook her head. It was too hard to put into words the real reason for her tears. Lost moments, wasted years, and love… The love I have had, the love I have been denied and the love I have lost.

  ‘Theo?’ she said softly.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Would you mind if we didn’t talk? Would it be okay if we just sat like this for a minute?’

  His hand resting on her made her feel peaceful, in the way that a sincere human touch often did.

  ‘Sure we can.’ He ran his thumb up under her sleeve and over the kink in her left arm.

  After a while, she sat back on her haunches and looked up at him. She stared at her lifelong friend and one-time lover and wondered if he, like her, felt ripples of longing pulsing through him.

  ‘I like being with you, Theo. I have always liked being with you and I have this feeling that is scary and yet wonderful. And it’s because of you.’

  Theo looked up sharply, then focused his gaze on the horizon, which shimmered in the moonlight. To Kitty it seemed like an age before he answered.

  ‘I… I never thought you might feel that way about me, Kitty.’ There was another unnervingly long pause. ‘Lord knows, I wished for it long enough throughout school and long after, but…’

  ‘But?’ There was a hard edge to her voice and she could sense her tears building.

  ‘I think…’ The slow nature of his delivery was maddening to her. ‘I think I am so bound up in Anna, my love for Anna, my loss of Anna… It’s all I can see.’ He shrugged, as if it were that simple, and she could see that for him, of course, it was.

  He rose suddenly, as if stung, and she recoiled in horror.

  ‘Theo! I’m sorry, I didn’t—’

  He raised his palm, halting her mid sentence, dropped the tartan blanket onto the chair and strode purposefully across the lawn, disappearing inside Darraghfield.

  Moving Home

  Kitty grabbed three chocolate digestives, a most inadequate yet delicious afternoon snack, and made her way up the stairs. She decided to tackle the books on the shelves on the top landing. With the empty box by her feet, she began to pack volumes into the base. She knew she had way too many books, but the idea of throwing them away was utterly ridiculous. She’d find space for them one way or another.

  She lifted three Anita Shreve novels, which she’d read time and time again, and out fell a birthday card she’d secreted inside one of them. It was handmade, with a large heart on the front. She recognised Oliver’s handiwork. Opening it up, she read: hapy birday mummy I love you. It made her smile, this precious thing. She decided to put it to one side to show him; his spelling wasn’t that much better now.

  Someone had once said to her that life was like a whirlpool, that the older you got, the faster it spun, until finally you were sucked into the central abyss and disappeared for good. Kitty laughed as she recalled this now; despite how melancholic and dramatic it sounded, it also felt true! She sat down on the carpet with her back against the wall and thought about the year just passed.

  Angus was doing well after having had a cancerous growth removed from his throat. It had been a terrible shock, a terrible worry of course. But the chemo seemed to have done the trick and everyone was mightily thankful that he was on the mend. It amused her that his biggest concern was the rather unsightly scar on his neck, whic
h he was convinced spoilt his profile. It didn’t – he was as handsome as ever.

  It was a strange thing, but out of the bad had come some good. Angus seemed to have lightened up a bit and Kitty felt a new fondness for him. His illness had reminded her that no matter what had occurred between them, he’d been a major part of her life since she was fourteen and that was to be treasured. It had also shone a spotlight on Angus’s relationship with Nikolai and they had finally called it a day. Kitty didn’t have anything against Nikolai, but she really, really liked Richard. He seemed good for Angus, a sensible head on young shoulders who was teaching Angus to stick two fingers up to the world and to go about life with confidence. She resumed her book packing and chuckled to herself, trying to imagine what it must have been like when Richard was introduced to Mr and Mrs Tupperware; now for that, she wished she could have been a fly on the wall.

  14

  ‘Can you believe it – Sophie engaged!’

  ‘I can, and we do love Greg,’ Tizz cooed.

  ‘Oh, we do!’ Kitty beamed.

  Tizz fanned her chest with a placemat she had grabbed from the table. ‘Is it me or is it hot in here?’ She exhaled through full cheeks.

  ‘It’s you, honey.’ Kitty smiled at her. The function room of the Crown and Sceptre pub was pleasantly warm.

  ‘God, Kitty, it’s driving me crazy! Ru is freezing at home. I only have two temperature settings: Arctic chilly or the burning fires of Hades. I have to have all the windows open or I literally feel like I am going to boil. He is constantly closing them and I go nuts and reopen them immediately. I fling the duvet off about fifty times a night and then grab it back. The neighbours must think we’re crackers, shrieking at each other about the bloody temperature! I mean, the man could commit adultery, sell my jewels (if I had any), buy a Porsche, and I’d be like, meh, but he puts the heating up and I turn into the Hulk!’

  Kitty bent over laughing and decided not to confess that she seemed to be escaping quite lightly by comparison.

  ‘It’ll get better, honestly.’

  ‘So people tell me, but when? Daisy-Belle and Verity call my outbursts a mumapause moment. Good God, Kitty, my rages even have a name!’ She tutted. ‘I am considering going to live in Antarctica or somewhere equally as cold. Norway!’

  ‘Oh, don’t do that.’ Kitty ran her eye over the buffet table in the corner of the room and arranged the breadsticks in the glass vase, which made the perfect holder. ‘I’ve heard Oslo is glorious, but I would really miss you!’

  ‘I’d miss you too. Flo said you’ve cut your hours at the gallery?’

  ‘Yes, it’s not the same with the new owners. I mentioned the other day that I saw a big print I rather liked in Ikea – oh my word, you should have seen the look of disdain that John, the husband, gave me! It was too funny. I’m going to buy it for him for Christmas, for sure!’

  ‘Oh, you must.’ Tizz paused. ‘So how do you feel about seeing Theo?’

  Kitty felt the jump in her chest as her heart skipped. It had been a year since the evening up at Darraghfield when things had got a little out of hand, with her words slipping off a wine-gilded tongue and him letting his guard down. She shivered with regret, as she did every time she thought about that night. The prospect of seeing him tonight petrified and thrilled her in equal measure.

  ‘I don’t know how I feel really. I’m nervous, of course. I mean, we have had some contact – Soph has sent messages of hello and the usual health enquiries back and forth between us, but it all feels a little awkward.’ She smoothed her hair from her face. ‘Anyway, this is not about me, and it’s not about Theo. It’s about our girl.’

  They both looked towards Sophie, who was standing by the door in her pale green silk wrap-dress and grown-up shoes, her arm resting against her beau, greeting their guests with a sweet smile and a welcome hug.

  ‘Is she pregnant?’

  ‘No!’ Kitty tutted. ‘Not that I would mind if she was, quite the opposite, but why would you think that?’

  ‘Just wondered why now? I mean, she’s glowy and her and Greg have been together for centuries.’

  ‘She’s glowy, Tizz, because she’s happy. They’ve been saving up and busy with the house and all that, and I guess now feels like the right time.’ She felt a little flutter of happiness at the prospect of a baby, but it was highly unlikely. Sophie had career plans and a baby was a few years away yet, if ever.

  ‘Here come the boys.’ Tizz turned away from the door and pulled a face.

  Kitty looked up in time to see Angus and Richard make a grand entrance. It was strange to her that her family continued to harbour animosity towards her ex. She understood it was them being protective, but she disliked the fact that Angus as ‘a target’ had become a thing. She let her eyes sweep over him and noted that he was as ever, his usual fastidious and attractive self, handsome no matter that the years advanced. He looked dapper in a new suit probably bought for the occasion.

  Out of the corner of her eye she saw Hamish lean in and speak to Ruraigh from behind his cupped palm and guessed that he might be making an unfavourable comment about Angus. She wasn’t having that. Rushing across the room, she walked forward and swept her ex into a hug, kissing him on the cheek before doing the same to Richard.

  ‘Engaged! Can you believe it?’ She linked arms with both men and steered them towards the buffet.

  ‘I know! I feel so old.’ Angus grimaced. ‘I still think of her as a baby.’

  ‘Angus, you will never be old, not to me. You will always be that gorgeous floppy-haired boy who was as smart as he was gorgeous. Don’t you think so, Richard?’

  ‘I do.’ He nodded. Looking at Angus with such affection it again sent a flare of loneliness through her core.

  They made small talk, marvelling at Sophie’s poise and commenting on how fond they were of Greg. It was a relief that they all liked her man. Kitty could only imagine what it must have been like for her parents, watching her hitch her wagon to someone they instinctively knew fell short in the devotion stakes. She felt the inevitable twinge of guilt that when her mum had had more than enough to deal with, she’d had to cope with that too.

  ‘I don’t know why, but I was just thinking about Marjorie’s wedding cake!’ She laughed.

  Angus turned to Richard and placed a hand on his arm, affectionately. ‘I’ll have to try and dig out a photo. Marjorie was already getting on when she made our wedding cake. And, well, let’s just say it was less than magazine perfect.’

  ‘It was positively wonky!’ Kitty giggled. ‘With great blobs of mismatched icing shoved on to cover the gaps, but she was oh so proud of it!’

  ‘We did the full cake-cutting thing with a sword, no less.’ He nodded at her. ‘And we thanked Marjorie and she beamed.’

  ‘Oh, she did.’ Kitty smiled fondly at the memory of the woman she had so loved. ‘I wish she could see Sophie today, grown-up and so gorgeous. My mum, too, of course. Are your parents coming?’

  ‘No.’ Angus rolled his eyes. ‘I think Mum felt the journey was a bit much just for an evening and of course there was the expense.’

  ‘Of course,’ she said with a wry smile. ‘It is a long way for them. Plus I seem to remember that Friday night is Tupperware-sorting night.’

  ‘For the love of God, let it go, Kitty!’ They both laughed.

  *

  Busying herself at the buffet, handing out plates and napkins, Kitty heard Theo’s unmistakeable voice before she saw him. In an instant she was transported back to that beautiful bright Highlands morning a year ago.

  It was the morning after the night before, and she’d sat up slowly in her bed, rubbing her eyes and cursing her throbbing headache. She’d made her way downstairs. Her dad was at the table, already demolishing his fried eggs on toast.

  ‘He’s gone.’ He spoke without looking up, his tone almost angry, as if he in some way blamed her and was not in the least bit happy about whatever had caused this.

  ‘Gone?’ Her voice was g
ravelly, tiny rocks of regret in her throat.

  ‘Aye, taxi first thing. Away back to London.’

  She had sunk down into the chair at the top of the table and laid her head on her raised knees as her tears fell, her loss all-consuming.

  But this was not the time to dwell; this was Sophie and Greg’s party. Tousling her roots with her fingertips, she sucked in her tummy and painted on a smile, turning slowly. At the sight of him, her smile became genuine. He looked… he looked fresher, younger and very much as if the weight of grief that had bowed him so completely had gone. Her joy turned to embarrassment, as, rather than acknowledge her, he turned and headed straight for the bar.

  What did you expect, Kitty? You made a fool of yourself and you embarrassed him. You blew it!

  ‘Where are you sneaking off to?’ Tizz called after her as she opened the French windows at the back of the room.

  ‘I’m not sneaking off! Just going for a bit of fresh air. You of all people should understand the desire to cool down!’ She spoke with a joviality she certainly didn’t feel; she needed to put some distance between herself and Sophie’s party in case she was unable to stem her tears.

  She leant her arms on the brick wall and looked out over the rooftops of East Dulwich. There was something quite beautiful about the dark silhouette of chimneys, aerials and treetops sitting against the inky south London twilight. She felt like this sometimes, like everyone in the world was clinking a glass and snuggling up with someone they loved, and it made her feel so alone. Not that she needed anyone – she didn’t, and she wasn’t even sure she wanted someone – but on occasion the loneliness bit regardless.

  ‘I thought I’d grab you a drink. You look like you’re miles away.’

  She turned round in surprise.

  Theo stepped out onto the small terrace and pushed the door closed with his foot, before handing her a glass of fizz.

  ‘I was.’ She took the drink from him.