Faye Kellerman - Decker 06 - Grievous Sin

by Grievous Sin(lit)

  exhausted she nodded off in front of the TV. I practically had to carry her into bed.'

  Decker smiled and scratched Ginger's scruff. 'The baby's with Rina?'

  'Yes, she is. You need to have a long talk with your wife, Sergeant. She isn't going to heal if she keeps on overdoing it.'

  Decker placed his briefcase on the dining room table and sat down. 'What's she doing specifically?'

  'Walking around when she should be in bed. Getting up for the baby. Why bother paying my wages if she's going to get up and feed the baby herself, tiring her poor body out. The child lets out a whimper, she whisks it out of the crib. She's not only tiring herself, she's not giving Hannah a chance to develop her sleep. She's going to be a wreck if she keeps it up. Her mam's worried sick about her, but there's no talking to her when she gets an idea in her head.'

  'I'll talk to her,' Decker said.

  'Well, don't wake her now,' Nora said. 'She and the baby just dropped back to sleep.'

  Decker nodded, looking around the shadowy room. He wasn't consciously thinking about work, but his brain was still sparking enough to prevent sleep. He longed to crawl into bed with the newspaper, a little Letterman and a tall glass of iced tea. With Rina sleeping, watching TV in bed was out of the question. But he supposed he could park himself in the kitchen for a while without disturbing anyone. As soon as he got to his feet, Ginger dashed away, then returned just as fast, carrying a leash in her mouth.

  Decker looked at the animal. 'Trying to tell me something, girl?'

  Nora said, 'Poor thing. Everyone's forgotten about her.'

  The dog cocked her head, leather strops hanging from her muzzle.

  Decker sighed. 'All right. A quick walk.'

  At the word 'walk', the dog began a frenzied circle dance. Decker secured the leash to the animal's collar. 'We'll come in through the back door, Nora. Sorry to wake you.'

  'No problem, Sergeant.' She paused. 'Any luck with your search?'

  'It's coming.'

  'Well, that's wonderful.'

  Decker didn't answer. Instead, he gave her a sickly smile, then realized it was too dark for her to see it. He and Ginger went out to the back yard first to check on the horses. They were all in repose, heads lifting from the ground as he entered the barn. A mare let out a soft whinny. He shushed her, then filled the water basins. Giving them a quick wave, he bade them good night and was about to leave when he noticed a ball of fluff sharing a corner with a divided feed bowl of kibble and water.

  Decker bent down and stroked the kitten's back with a finger. It lifted its tiger-striped head and let out a soft purr. Ginger stuck her muzzle in the kitten's faGe and it responded by licking the dog's nose.

  'How you doin', sport? Looks like someone set you up with dinner.'

  The kitten opened its eyes a little wider. Ginger stuck her snout in the cat food and began crunching kibble.

  Although the cat didn't voice a protest, Decker gently pulled the dog away from the cat's sustenance.

  'Wondering where your boss is, little guy? We're kind of wondering the same thing.'

  The animal lowered its head. Decker ran his palms over the kitten's eyelids. 'Go to sleep. We'll talk in the morning.'

  The kitten seemed more than happy to cooperate.

  He took Ginger through the citrus grove, the setter prancing in the dirt when she wasn't sniffing tree trunks. Decker picked some melon-sized pink grapefruits - great for tomorrow's breakfast. He also pocketed a half-dozen tangerines. Releasing Ginger from her leash, he watched her scamper through the trees, then he sat down under the leafy branches of an avocado tree, his back against the thick gnarled trunk. Pulling out a tangerine, he peeled it, fastballing chunks of rind through the trees, each throw a little farther than the last. Scattering peel was his idea of a natural compost pile.

  He popped half the tangerine in his mouth, the fruit swollen with sweet juice. The dog returned to his side and sniffed his hands. Giving her a tangerine wedge, Decker listened to the night-time lullaby and decided life was good. He slumped against the tree and closed his eyes just for a moment. The next time he opened them, Nora was shaking his shoulder and Ginger was licking his face.

  'Are you okay, Sergeant?'

  'I'm up, I'm up.'

  'I didn't mean to wake you—'

  'I'm up.' He stood, hit his head on a branch, then cursed. 'I'm up.'

  'My Lord, are you okay?'

  'Little after two,' Nora said. 'I heard Rina get up and went in to check on her and you weren't there...' She tightened the folds of her robe against her body. 'I got worried.'

  'I'm fine.' He stretched his creaky bones. 'It's time to make my entrance. I'll go in and talk to Rina. Go see my baby, too. C'mon, Ginger. Time to return to civilization.'

  Rina said, 'And how's our midnight camper this evening?' Decker towel-dried his hair. The shower had revived

  him instead of making him sleepier. He hung the towel on the back of the door and slipped under the sheets. 'I didn't want to wake you.'

  'Peter, there's consideration and then there's common sense.' Rina released the baby from her breast and wiped her mouth. 'You've been going practically nonstop for the past few days. You need your sleep.'

  'You and me both, kiddo.' Decker leaned over for a better view of his little daughter, then extended his hands. 'May I?'

  'She needs to be burped.'

  'I'll burp her.' He stood, threw a cloth diaper over his shoulder and placed his infant daughter on his chest. Gently, he tapped her back. She molded against him, her tiny body as soft as eider down. A moment later, Hannah let out a deep resonant belch. It always cracked him up to hear sailor sounds coming from a tiny little body.

  'We did it, Mommie,' Decker said.

  Rina's smile was wan. Decker sat down on the bed and cradled the infant in his arms.

  'Darlin', are you resting enough?'

  'Matter of fact, I've done nothing but rest—'

  'Not according to Nora.'

  'Oh, Nora!'

  'I thought you said she was terrific'

  'She's good. Trouble is she's too good. If it were up to her, I wouldn't do a thing except vegetate.'

  'Is Nora nursing the baby?'

  'Peter—'

  'Rina, you've got to rest if you're going to heal.'

  'I'm resting so much, my backside's numb. I can't get uninterrupted sleep anyway because I'm nursing. What is the big deal if I want Hannah to sleep in our room?'

  'Because when Hannah sleeps in our room, she becomes our responsibility. We hired a baby-nurse to give you a

  little slack during these first few weeks—'

  'I don't need slack, okay? It's good for me to feel useful, okay? Hannah brings me so much joy. What's wrong with a little joy?'

  'Of course you should have joy. I just want you to heal up.'

  'Peter, I'm resting so much I'm nothing but a big, inert lump.'

  'Rina—'

  'Look at me, Peter! I'm as big as a cow on top, I still look like I'm five months pregnant and I don't have a uterus! I don't want to rest and think about myself, okay?'

  She burst into tears. The baby immediately began to cry.

  'Oh great!' Rina sobbed. 'Now look what I've done! I'm no use to anybody anymore!'

  Torn between wanting to comfort his wife and his child, Decker chose the kid. He start walking around the room with his daughter, holding her tightly, cooing in her ear, trying to toss Rina reassuring smiles as he paced. He supposed he was partially successful because she stopped crying. She wiped her eyes on a blanket and stared at him, looking forlorn and waifish. The woman was drained.

  Decker kissed his daughter's cheek, feeling the tiny body get heavier and heavier. He felt soft breath on his hand, smelled the perfume that only newborns could produce. His thoughts turned to another infant ripped away from her mother. As fury welled up inside his breast, he told himself to breathe deeply, not wanting to inject his poison into his daughter. The bedroom had turned very quiet.
r />   Finally, Decker whispered, 'I think she's asleep. I'm going to tell Nora to set up the Port-A-Crib tonight. If

  you don't want sleep, that's your business. But I do. I'll be right back.'

  Rina nodded, a chastened look on her face.

  Decker sighed, then walked into the living room. 'Nora, you want to set up the Port-A-Crib in here?'

  The baby nurse looked stunned. 'How'd you do it?'

  'Spouse's magic'

  Nora smiled. 'You seem to work magic with all your women. Hannah looks happy being with her papa.'

  'Not half as happy as I am. I know I'm prejudiced, but she really is gorgeous. An exceptionally beautiful baby. And intelligent. I can see it in her eyes.'

  'Her eyes are closed, Sergeant.'

  'Her intelligence is so remarkable, it shines through the eyelids.'

  The nurse burst into laughter and began unfolding the portacrib. 'I'll take her whenever you're ready.'

  'Just another moment.' Decker kissed a silken cheek. 'God, she feels good. Why do babies feel so good?'

  'The Lord made them that way so we'd take care of them. Can you imagine waking up at all hours of the night to take care of a thing that smelled and felt like beef jerky?'

  Decker laughed.

  'You need your sleep, Sergeant.'

  'Yeah, I suppose I do.' Reluctantly, Decker yielded his daughter to the nurse.

  Nora cradled the baby in her arms, then placed her in the crib, tucking her in tightly with a pink blanket. She checked her watch. 'She's sound asleep, probably won't be needing another feed until three, maybe even four hours from now. I suggest you catch your sleep while you can.'

  'Thanks, Nora.'

  'Night, Sergeant.'

  Decker lingered a moment over the Port-A-Crib, staring at the small face, the tiny hands clenched in fists. He patted the curled fingers, feeling bones so thin and fragile. He thought: even the bad guys start out this way. How we muck up our lives. He blew Hannah a kiss then went back to the bedroom. Rina had wrapped herself in the blanket.

  'Can I talk to you for a moment?' Decker asked.

  'Talk.'

  Rina's voice came out muffled.

  Decker ran his hand over sheeted curves. 'First off, I want to say that I love you. Second, I want to say that I think you're coping really well.'

  'That's a laugh!'

  'I don't think a man could manage a tenth as well as you're doing.'

  'That's being patronizing!'

  When the frustration mounts, what better to do than laugh. Decker let out a soft chuckle.

  'Great! Now you're laughing at me! You think I'm being childish, don't you!'

  'No, Rina, I don't think you're being childish.' Decker pulled down the blanket, exposing his wife's face. 'I think you've been through a terrible ordeal and I'm amazed that you're functioning as well as you are. Look at you, sweetheart. You're taking care of an infant, you're spending time with the boys—'

  'I was falling asleep in their faces.'

  'Honey, they're so happy just to see you... talking. They know what you've gone through. You're doing terrific. Just give yourself time.'

  Rina snaked under the covers and curled her body, bringing her knees to her chest. 'I feel ugly and useless.' She pulled the blanket off her face. 'But at least I make beautiful babies.'

  'Because you're beautiful. And you've got an entire family that needs you. I need you, okay?'

  'That's all good and fine, except you just don't understand, Peter.'

  Decker sighed. 'Explain to me what I don't understand.'

  'What's the use? You won't understand anyway.'

  Decker bit his lip. 'Give it a whirl. Please?'

  Rina turned to face him. 'Well, imagine if you were suddenly castrated—'

  'Darlin', that's not the same thing.'

  'See, I told you you wouldn't understand.'

  Again Decker bit his lip. 'Sorry. Go on.'

  A moment of silence passed.

  'Okay, so maybe you're right.' Again she looked at him. 'It's not exactly the same thing. Because men's image of themselves is usually confined to that one location. With women, it's the whole body. Not only have I been rendered useless locally, making me feel I've lost my purpose as a woman—'

  'Rina—'

  'Will you just hear me out?'

  'Go on.'

  'Thank you!' She cleared her throat. 'Not only have I lost the seat of my womanhood, but right now, as of this moment, my whole body is about as sensual as an overstuffed pillow. I've got rolls and lumps and mammoth-sized hips and breasts the size of watermelons!'

  Decker muttered out loud, 'So what's wrong with that?'

  Rina laughed, then began to cry.

  'Honey, it's all in your mind.'

  'The reading on the scale is not in my mind, Peter!'

  'Why the hell are you weighing yourself when you've just delivered three days ago?'

  'I always weigh myself. That's what women do.'

  'You're setting yourself up. Of course you've got a little extra weight. You've just had a baby, for Christ's sake!'

  'Will you stop scolding me!' Rina yelled.

  Decker didn't answer, reminding himself to unclench his jaw and breathe normally. He had popped an Advil fifteen minutes ago when he had felt a headache coming on. Maybe he should have taken two. Finally he said softly, 'I know you won't believe this, darlin'. But really, you are still very sexy to me!'

  'It's not enough to be sexy to you, Peter,' Rina whispered. 'I want to feel sexy, period! Feel like a woman again. I want to look like a woman again. Not some useless piece of breeding stock. That's why I want to be with Hannah. At least when I'm with her, I see what my body produced.' She smiled softly. 'She was worth every lump and bump. I just wish I...' Tears formed in her eyes. 'What's the use?'

  Decker digested all her words. 'You think about your appearance a lot?'

  'Not a lot. Just when I feel useless and look like a cow.' Rina paused. 'That's not totally true. I do think about how I look. Every woman does. Just because I have a ring on my finger doesn't mean I don't take pride in my appearance. Don't you?'

  Decker said, 'Truthfully, I don't give it a whole lot of thought. Just as long as I'm clean... maybe I should. Do you have any complaints?'

  'No, Peter, I don't. And that's the problem - the unfairness of it all. Men appraise, and women are appraised.'

  Decker slipped under the covers and wiped a tear off his wife's face. 'One of the nicest things about my position at the department is I don't have a lot of people looking over my shoulder... checking me out. Sure, I have bosses, but I've got a lot of independence. I'd hate to have people

  judging me all the time. I guess in a way you have fifty per cent of the adult population always judging you, although I dare say your ratings are always superior. Even so, that's pressure that most men don't think about.'

  'And it's out of our control. We can't help what we look like... how we age... if we get a hysterectomy...'

  Decker cuddled his wife. 'All I can say is, I love you, not your uterus, and I think you're beautiful. And by beautiful, I mean the inside kind as well as outside. I was attracted to the outside beauty, no question about it. But I fell in love with the inside beauty. And I'll think you're beautiful even when you're old and wrinkled.' He paused. 'Because however old you are, I'll be twelve years older.'

  Rina slugged his good shoulder.

  'So for the past three years, you've looked like my daughter. How about you giving me a break and start looking like what you are? My second and younger -much, much younger - wife.'

  Rina was quiet for a minute. Then she said, 'We'd better get some sleep.'

  'You mean you don't want to engage in mad, passionate sex?'

  Rina broke into laughter.

  'Just trying to make you feel good about yourself.'

  Rina shook her head, then kissed his lips. 'I love you. Thanks for talking to me.'

  'Honey, it's my pleasure.'

  Rina flopped dow
n on the bed. 'I'm exhausted. Good night.'

  'Good night.' Decker fluffed up his pillow. Infinitely better than a tree trunk.

  Sleeping through the six o'clock feeding, Decker thought: Some mother I'd make. But by seven thirty, he had showered, shaved, dressed, and felt almost human again. Rina had fallen back asleep, so Decker took his tallit and tefillin out of the bedroom, opting to say his morning prayers in the living room. Standing over Hannah's crib, watching her snooze, he had a lot to be thankful for and felt God should know about it. He had just about finished winding the leather straps of his phylacteries over the boxes when Hannah began to stir, cheeks flushed and a look of displeasure stamped across her tiny features. Within seconds the unhappy physiognomy was howling in protest. Decker took off his prayer shawl and stowed it in the velvet bag, then picked up his daughter.