State of Shock

by Allison B Hanson

  Her counters were clean and it looked like someone had vacuumed the floors. Then she saw Luca’s bag sitting on the edge of the sofa. The bag she had left with him the day before when she went to work. Suddenly the wonder of her clean apartment evaporated.

  She moved down the hall to his room and found him sprawled out on his tiny bed. His Spiderman sandals were on the floor, and he was wearing a pull on diaper and a T-shirt. She kissed his forehead and brushed his hair with her fingers. He looked bigger than he had when she saw him the day before.

  Hearing a noise behind her she turned to see the second best thing in her apartment that night. Sam was leaning against the doorway in nothing but his boxers, which quickly moved the pile of clean laundry into third place.

  With another kiss on Luca’s cheek, she stood and followed Sam out into the hall.

  “What are you doing here?” she whispered until they were out in the living room where it was safe to raise her voice to a normal level.

  “I left you a message.”

  “I didn’t get a chance to listen to it.”

  “Let’s not talk about it now. You need to take a shower and come to bed. I’ll stop by the store tomorrow and take you out for lunch. We can talk then.”

  She let out a breath. She didn’t have it in her to fight. And she realized she didn’t want to fight with Sam.

  She nodded and he bent down and kissed her.

  “Shower. Bed,” he instructed with a grin and walked back into her bedroom.

  Following his orders she hurried through her shower. When she got in bed, she couldn’t help but notice they smelled clean.

  “Did you wash my sheets?” she asked.

  “Mmmhmm,” he mumbled his sleepy answer.

  She couldn’t help it, she started to cry. It was easy to keep the walls up and be strong until someone chipped their way in with kindness and demolished the whole thing.

  Silent sobs shook her body and woke Sam.

  His big arms wound around her and pulled her tight against his chest. She felt his lips touch her forehead.

  “You’re not alone, Ri. I’m here. I want to help. Please let me.”

  She was no longer able to stay silent as she cried, and he held her until she eventually gave up and fell asleep.

  * * *

  Riley was able to have breakfast with Luca before she left for work the next morning. While she appreciated the clean house and the stocked cupboards, the extra time with her son was the thing she was most grateful for.

  Sam eating Fruit Hoops in nothing but his cargo shorts was, once again, number two on her list. The perfect image to get her through a long morning at the jewelry store.

  Sam showed up on time to take Riley to lunch. He’d dropped Luca off at his grandmother’s so they could talk without any distractions.

  “How long do you have?” he asked as he opened the car door for her.

  “An hour.”

  “Is the diner okay?”

  “Sure.”

  Since they didn’t have tons of time, he started right away as he weaved through traffic.

  “I hope you’re not mad about the groceries and picking up Luca.”

  She shook her head and sighed. “I’m not mad. I really appreciate it Sam. I’ll pay you back as soon—”

  “No.” He shook his head.

  “Sam.”

  “Just no, okay? No paying me back. I need to make up some karma. Just let me do this so I can see what it feels like to be a good guy. Who knows? I might like it.” He gave her his best smile and she laughed. Good.

  “You heard about what happened with my car?”

  “Yes. I wish you would have told me.” He made sure not to sound accusatory.

  “I’ve been busy.” She sighed. “I had it all worked out. I was fine without the support payments. But then a tractor trailer demolished my car and my plans.”

  “I want to help.”

  “All right. If you feel like more of a man by helping out the poor damsel in distress, then I’ll play along and pretend I can’t do it without you.”

  “Thanks. That means a lot.” He threw her a wink as she shook her head and rolled her eyes. Time to move on to the next thing. “Can I ask you something that is completely none of my business?”

  “You can ask. No promises I’ll answer.” They got out of his truck and he took her hand as they walked in the diner and got a seat by the window.

  “You have a sister?” he said.

  “Yes.”

  “She’s some kind of child psychiatrist—”

  “Guidance counselor,” she corrected.

  “She’s off all summer starting like now. Why don’t you ask her to help watch Luca so his grandmother doesn’t have so much on her plate?” It seemed like a great suggestion. He honestly thought the problem was that Riley hadn’t considered the option. He was, of course, wrong.

  Her eyes got weepy, but she didn’t cry, not even when her bottom lip shook. He didn’t know what he had done, but he wished to hell he hadn’t done it.

  “You have an older sister too, right?”

  “Yeah. Georgie.”

  “You know how they are,” she said. Sam nodded. Georgie could be a little bossy at times, but she was always there. “I love Roslyn, I do. She’s great. She’s an awesome mother. And I like hanging out with her and the other girls. It’s just . . .”

  She let out a sigh and slumped down in her seat. The waitress came over to take their order. Instead of continuing, she folded her straw paper into a tiny square.

  “What?” he pushed after another few seconds of silence.

  “She’s perfect.”

  “No one’s perfect.” At least he hadn’t met them. Everyone had flaws. Some people had them hanging out for the whole world to see. Like Evan—he was an asshole, clear as day. But for some people it was more difficult to see their flaws. Sam had plenty, but he hid them down deep so that they only came out when he was sleeping.

  “Roslyn is as close to perfect as you’ll find. She floated through school. Good grades, boyfriends, even her hair just worked out for her. College was the same way. Never so much as a question as to what she wanted to do. No obstacles in her way. Everyone loves Roslyn.

  “She got her job immediately. It was as if the local high school was waiting for her to be available. She dated perfect guys. Had a carefree lifestyle, bought her own townhouse and a freaking convertible.

  “She met Cooper, the perfect guy. He was my divorce attorney, and she had come with me for moral support. While my relationship with Evan was circling the drain, she was getting busy with Cooper. They were disgustingly happy during a time when I hated anyone who was happy.

  “Then they got married with the perfect wedding at the cabin. And now they have the big house and the perfect little girl, and I’m jealous, and I hate that, but I can’t do anything about it.” She puffed out a breath after gushing the last sentence.

  “The worst part is that she thinks anyone can have everything as easily as she does. ‘Riley, you just need to find a nice guy who will be a good father to Luca.’ ‘Riley, you should go back to school and finish your degree so you can get a better paying job.’ ‘Riley, surely you can save somewhere else so you don’t have to get store brand diapers. ’ You know what? Luca doesn’t know the difference if there’s a name on his diapers.”

  She lowered her voice as the waitress set down their food. She’d ordered the Asian salad and stabbed a mandarin orange with her fork.

  “And then they just gave me a car. I guess Tucker bought Cooper a new car so they had an extra BMW just sitting in the driveway. I’m grateful, really I am, but who has extra cars?” She shook her head. “How can I ask her for anything more?”

  “Do you think she does it to make you feel bad?” Sam didn’t know Roslyn that well, but she didn’t seem the type.

  “No. She doesn’t. Which makes it worse. She’s offered to help by watching Luca. I just don’t want to need her to.”

  “Oh. I see.
You’re being a big, stubborn baby.”

  “Yes. Except the big part. I’m only five-one, while Roz is a glorious five-eight.” She rolled her eyes and shoved another bite of salad in her mouth.

  “Of course,” Sam allowed. “What about your mother?”

  “I think she’s five-six.”

  “No. I mean to help watch Luca.” He didn’t roll his eyes, instead he focused on his sandwich.

  “No.” She shook her head. “My mother was done with responsibility the second I moved out of the house. She likes having pictures of her grandkids to show her friends, but that is the extent of her involvement. Besides, I really don’t want Luca exposed to her. He could end up like me.”

  Sam smiled. “I think you turned out pretty good.”

  “I’m not so sure I want her taking care of my son. And she lives in Lynchburg. Probably so we can’t ask her to babysit.”

  “I just hate seeing you do all this on your own. My sister has always been there for me. When I first came home from the service, she let me live with her until I got my feet under me.”

  “If you’re suggesting I would endanger my child rather than ask for help, you’re wrong. There’s a huge difference between store brand diapers and no food. I’ve got this. It’s not that bad.” She was getting upset and defensive.

  “I wasn’t suggesting anything. I was just trying to come up with a way to help.”

  “You already put a huge tub of peanut butter in my cupboard. You’ve already helped more than I ever expected.”

  “But . . .” He didn’t know how to say what he wanted to say.

  “What is it? Just tell me.” She took a sip of her lemonade and waited.

  “It’s going to sound horrible.” He rubbed his forehead. How was he going to get himself out of this one?

  “Just say it. There’s no way it could be as bad as ‘Hey, I know we are married and just had a baby together, but I’ve realized this isn’t what I want right now so I’m moving out. Oh, and you’ll have to find another place to live because I’m canceling the lease and you can’t afford this place on your own.’”

  Yep. Evan was an asshole. Hopefully, Sam wouldn’t end up in the same category.

  “I travel a lot for work.”

  “I know. Either that or you’re one of those guys who has a secret family in another state. I saw a show about that.”

  “No. No other family. It’s really work.”

  “Okay.”

  “Well, when I get back in town, I’d like to be able to see you. You know, like a date, when you’re not working or dead dog tired.”

  “Oh!” Her eyebrows shot up just as the waitress came to take their empty plates and drop off the check. Sam said nothing else as he tossed the tip on the table and got up to go to the register. Riley followed silently behind him.

  She didn’t say anything until they were in his truck.

  “You miss me,” she finally said.

  “What?” His brows creased. Was that it?

  He’d admitted that much before, but that had been about missing having someone to hang out with for fun. The way she said it now implied much more.

  He didn’t know how to translate how he felt into “girl language.” It could be that he missed her. He shrugged, hoping the gesture would get him out of having to admit that, yes, he did miss her. In many ways. Sexually was near the top of the list, but surprisingly it wasn’t first.

  “I guess I didn’t realize you were getting pushed to the back of the line. That’s not fair to you. Maybe this isn’t a good time for us to be—”

  “I’m not asking to be cut loose, Ri. Yes, okay, I miss you. It’s not like I don’t see how much you have on your plate. I’m not expecting anything, except maybe a date here and there. If you could work me in.”

  Once again her eyes got wet.

  “I’m sorry, Sam.”

  “Please don’t cry.” He leaned across the seat when he parked back at the jewelry store and pulled her to him. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

  “You didn’t,” she said, but she was crying and it was because of something he had said. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew what that meant. He’d made her cry.

  She quickly wiped the tears away and nodded while taking a resigned breath.

  “I’m going to make time for us. It might not be a lot of time, but if you are willing to try to be with me after everything I’ve put you through, you sure as hell deserve a night when I can manage it. I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner.”

  “It’s okay. I honestly don’t know how you’re doing this. I’m amazed.”

  “And you miss me.” The tears were gone. She was smiling and looking a little smug.

  “Do you have a night off anytime soon?” He chose to move on.

  “Thursday, I work at the store until five, and then I have the rest of the night off.”

  “Pencil me in. We’re going out. You can stop at Grammy’s to give Luca a kiss before we go for dinner. Then we can pick him up when we’re done. Two hours at the most. I don’t want you to forget about me.”

  “How could I forget about you? Your giant peanut butter makes my mouth water.”

  “You do realize you said peanut butter, right?” he teased.

  “Everyone has priorities, Sam.”

  “So you’re cool with me keeping Luca some evenings while you’re working. And you like my peanut butter in your cupboards.”

  She smiled at him and nodded.

  “Would you also let me help with some of the bills on the counter?”

  She gasped. “Did you look through my things?”

  “Absolutely not. It was really hard, because I wanted to. I had to fight the urge not to take the pile and make them go away, but I didn’t touch them, I swear. I respect you enough to ask.”

  She relaxed but shook her head. “I appreciate what you’re doing. Taking Luca in the evenings gives his grandmother a break, so thank you for that. But I can’t let you take care of my bills too.” He let out a sigh and she put up her hand. “Before you go thinking it’s because I’m being stubborn and have control issues, there’s another reason.”

  “Which is?”

  “Well . . .” She winced. “It’s not a secret that everyone we know says you’re not the kind of guy who stays in relationships for the long haul. They’ve all warned me about you at some point. I can handle it when you decide you’re done here and want to move on. For the most part, I think Luca will be okay too. He’s little and he won’t remember you.”

  Sam’s chest hurt. Would Luca just forget him? He’d showed him how to use the toilet and say artichoke.

  “Sure it might be sticky at first, but I think he’s already over his dad leaving. Kids are resilient . . .” Riley paused and took a deep breath. “I, however, can’t be resilient if I let you pay for things. If I grow to depend on you and then suddenly you’re not there, I will be worse off than I am now. So let me take care of my bills, because no matter what happens to you, they will still be my bills, and my responsibility.”

  He understood completely, but it didn’t make him feel any better knowing she was ready to just wipe him out of her life as if he never existed. He didn’t like clingy women, but apparently he wasn’t thrilled with independent ones either.

  She looked at her phone for the time. “I have to go back.”

  “Okay.” He kissed her before she hopped out of the truck.

  “Are we still on for Thursday?” she asked.

  “Yes.” He wanted some time alone with her, if for nothing else but to remember what it felt like to be out on a real date.

  Before he went to pick up Luca, he decided to stop in at his sister’s house.

  It was her day off, but her car wasn’t in the driveway. She’d asked him to look at her mower.

  He pressed the code on her garage door and nearly jumped a mile in the air when she walked into the garage from the kitchen.

  “Where’s your car?” he asked as he caught his breath.

 
; “I have a teenage daughter. Where do you think it is?” She cocked her head to the side.

  “I told you I would help get her a car.”

  “I know. I’m almost willing to let you do it. It would just make me feel better if she earned it. I don’t like the idea of giving a teenager big presents. It’s causing a whole world of entitled people that piss me off.”

  Sam laughed. “You watch too much Dr. Phil.”

  “Maybe, but we had to work for everything we have and we appreciate it. We don’t expect people to hand things over.”

  His thoughts immediately went to Riley and he had a great idea.

  “Isn’t McKenna certified as a babysitter?”

  “Yes.” She tilted her head.

  “Do you think she’d be willing to babysit in exchange for me helping her get a car?”

  “I’m sure she would. If it doesn’t interfere with her job at the pharmacy.”

  “What’s her schedule?” Sam asked as she went in the house to the refrigerator. She pointed to the calendar. He took a picture of it with his phone so he could work it out with Riley. “Tell her I’ll pick her up on Thursday at five. I have someone who could use a free babysitter.”

  “Okay. What baby is she watching?”

  “My girlfriend has a little boy. He’s almost three.” Sam started for the door and was instantly stopped by his sister.

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Since when do you have a girlfriend? And why are you seeing someone with a kid? Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

  “I’m not messing around.”

  Georgie’s eyes got wide as a grin slowly took over her face.

  “So then this is real.”

  “It feels kind of real. But don’t go getting all wedding bells on me. That’s not an option.” Riley had handled a few nightmares. It didn’t mean she was ready to sign up for that every night. “You know this can’t be more than what it is. Don’t expect things, Georgie.”

  “I don’t know that, and neither do you. Not every woman is going to be like Jessica. A lot of women are strong enough to handle this kind of thing if you give them the chance.”

  “My therapist said—”