Amazing Grace (Hearts At War Book 3)

by Lena Hart

  “Mason, for the last time, I’m not seeing anyone else. This is about me being in this marriage by myself, and that’s not the kind of marriage I want. You say you love me, yet I always seem to come last on your list. Between your team and the kids, I’m the one who has to settle for the crumbs of your attention, and I can’t be satisfied with that anymore.”

  He was silent for a moment before he asked quietly, “Do you still love me?”

  Jules clenched her teeth. Of course she did. It was because she loved him that she knew it was best they ended it now, before they did something to hurt each other. And she didn’t want to hurt him.

  Yet there was another small part of her that wanted to make him as miserable as she had felt these past few months. And she hated that part of herself. She never wanted to intentionally hurt him, but she feared her anger and resentment would one day push her to do something she would hate herself for.

  And he would hate her forever.

  Then again, maybe it was for the best that he learned about that secret part of her. Then he would understand why getting a divorce was for the best…

  “Mason, do you know how I spent our wedding anniversary last month? While you were away at one of your games, I got dressed up and took myself out to dinner. Alone. I was going to celebrate it, whether you wanted to be there with me or not.” She couldn’t bear his piercing gaze any longer, so she dropped her eyes down to her clasped hands. “I ordered the most expensive wine, tried all kinds of different dishes, and kept telling myself I was having a good time, even though I wasn’t. Not until…”

  How much should she tell him? Just remembering that brief moment of irrational thinking made her feel disgusted with herself. But he needed to know.

  “Until what?” His tone was gruff with suppressed ferocity.

  Jules squared her shoulders and met his hard gaze. “Until a man decided to join me and turned my lonely dinner into a not-so-lonely one. It was probably one of the best nights I’d had in a long time. He paid attention to me, and it felt nice.”

  Mason said nothing as he continued to stare at her, his face flushed and the muscles in his throat working.

  “Did you…” He squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose.

  “No, I didn’t have sex with him.” She didn’t take her eyes off him when she added quietly, “For a split second, though, I thought about it. Not because I wanted him, but because I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to get back at you for leaving me alone that day, for not being the kind of husband I wanted you to be. But I knew I could never do that, and I didn’t.”

  Jules braced herself for his outrage. She was no stranger to his temper, yet she hadn’t expected this eerie silence. He kept his head hung low with his hand over his face. She couldn’t read his expression, but from the slight trembling in his hands, she figured he was trying to keep it together.

  Why didn’t he say something?

  He shook his head as if struggling with something internally. Then suddenly, a harsh snarl burst from him and she jumped from the wounded sound.

  “Fuck, Jules! How could you—”

  To her dismay, he swung around and struck the wall behind him. Hard.

  “Fuck.”

  She grimaced from the severe blow his fist suffered, but she maintained her composure. He took a step toward her then just as quickly doubled back, as if thinking against approaching her. She had never feared him or his anger before, but this was different.

  She took a steadying breath before she spoke again. “Are you done? Because I won’t talk until you get your temper in check.”

  He kept his back turned to her, his tall frame ramrod straight. “I would never hit you, Jules. You know that.”

  “I thought I knew a lot of things about you, about us, but it’s all been just one big fairytale. One that I thought I was happy with, but I’m not. I’m miserable and you’re…distracted. Let’s end this now before we end up hurting each other.”

  “That’s the difference between us, Jules. I could never hurt you. Ever. I wouldn’t want to.”

  The pain and guilt she had thought she had managed to bury over the past few weeks resurfaced, and she nearly buckled under its weight.

  “Mason, I—”

  “Don’t.”

  He turned to face her. The look in his now glassy eyes wrenched her heart right out of her chest.

  “You’ve made yourself clear, but now it’s my turn. I’ve tried convincing you that I still want our marriage to work, but I’m done asking. So this is how things are going to go. I’m going to reschedule another session with Dr. Kahn. You want to talk, we’ll talk. Then you’re going to get on the phone today and call off your lawyer.”

  Jules stared at him, stunned at how level his words were, despite his gruff tone.

  “While we work our shit out, I’m going to move into the guest room. You’ll have the space to be angry and resentful toward me for however long you need. When you’re ready to have me back in here, just say the word. But I’ll be damned if I let you split our family because of some warped sense of revenge you had, or have, against me.”

  In a few long strides, he came to stand directly in front of her. She sucked in a breath.

  “I’m still in love with you, Jules. That hasn’t stopped for me. Has it stopped for you?”

  She hesitated for the briefest of moments before she finally responded. “I’ve never lied to you, Mason. I never would.”

  He regarded her carefully. “Then until you can tell me that you don’t love me anymore, we’re giving this marriage a fighting chance. For us and for the kids.” He cupped her chin and lifted her face to his. “You got me?”

  Her eyes probed his. Behind his penetrating gaze and sharp command was an anxiety she had never seen in him before. He was afraid of losing her, of losing their family, and that fear gave her a small bit of hope. In spite of his recent indifference to the matters within their home, he did care about saving their marriage.

  And deep in her core, so did she.

  Chapter 5

  “Thanks for seeing us on such short notice, Dr. Kahn.”

  The therapist glanced over at him before returning her gaze to Jules. “Well, your husband was very persistent. Luckily, we were able to find room to squeeze you both in today.”

  Mason felt Jules’ eyes on him, but he kept his gaze on the therapist. “Persistent” was an understatement, but when he called her office, he had been adamant that they start their session today.

  Yesterday had been a wakeup call for him. He still couldn’t get past what Jules had told him, but learning that she had entertained the thought of sleeping with another man made him realize just how much he had pushed her away—and how close he was to losing her.

  After a few minutes of going through the therapeutic process and briefly discussing their current family composition, Dr. Kahn jumped right into the session.

  “Why don’t we begin by talking about how you two first met?”

  Mason was surprised by the question, and glanced over at his wife. Jules met his gaze, and it was obvious from the softness of her expression that she was remembering that night too.

  “I was in Atlanta for a game,” Mason began. “Which had turned out to be a gongshow.”

  “Gongshow?”

  “Lot of fights, penalties,” he explained. “Basically, one thrill-fest of a game that spilled into our hotel. A couple of my teammates and I were headed to another after-party, I think. I can’t remember. What I remember was being in one of the longest elevator rides, and that’s when I saw her.”

  “I was visiting from Texas that weekend for one of my pageant sisters’ wedding,” Jules added. “I was out with some of my girlfriends. I think we were on our way up to the hotel rooftop or something. And as soon as the elevator doors opened, I noticed him.”

  “So it was love at first sight?”

  “Yes.”

  “No.”

  Mason turned to her, and she arched a brow, amus
ement dancing in her eyes.

  “You fell in love with me on sight?” she asked.

  Mason shrugged. “Well, maybe it was more like lust at first sight.” He turned to Dr. Kahn. “She had on the sexiest, classiest yellow dress. My favorite color, so it was hard not to stare, which didn’t make for a very good first impression.”

  “Actually, I didn’t mind the staring,” Jules said, her lips still curved into a small smile. “He had this huge bruise under his eye, but I thought he also had a cute smile.”

  “It wasn’t that big.”

  She snorted. “Yes, it was. But it didn’t bother me. What really set me off was the grabbing.”

  Dr. Kahn’s eyes rounded into large saucers. “Grabbing?”

  “It wasn’t Mason. One of his drunken teammates got a little ballsy, and handsy, and decided to grab my butt.”

  “And before I could knock some sense into him for it, here comes this sexy lady in this sexy yellow dress taking a swing at me,” Mason said.

  Jules winced. “It was a mistake. They were both standing behind me, and I just reacted. I hadn’t even noticed his creep of a teammate until it was too late.”

  “That’s one big misunderstanding,” Dr. Kahn said. “How did you find out the truth?”

  “One of my girlfriends saw him and confirmed it. I was so embarrassed.” Jules shook her head, as if she was reliving the moment. “I had on this huge ring when I hit him, and it sort of did some damage.”

  “I think it cut me.” Mason couldn’t remember if it drew blood, but he did remember that it hurt like a son-of-a-bitch.

  The ends of Jules’ brows turned down. “I tried apologizing like a hundred times, but you wouldn’t accept.”

  “Because you had just sliced my chin open for something I didn’t even get to do.”

  With another small wince, Jules reached over and lightly stroked his chin. His entire body flooded with warmth.

  “I know, baby. I’m sorry.”

  The touch was spontaneous, but Mason didn’t care. He missed these causal caresses, her impulsive touch. The air between them suddenly shifted, and she became aware of her brief show of affection. A hint of pink flushed across her brown cheeks, and she let her hand drop back onto her lap.

  “So how did you go from a cut on the chin to Mr. and Mrs. Courage?” Dr. Kahn asked.

  “He made me take him out to breakfast the next morning. Said that was the only way I could make it up to him.”

  Mason remembered that moment well, trying to think up some other way to get her phone number before they went their separate ways that night. Extorting a meal out of her had worked. They met again the next morning—away from her friends and his teammates—and had gotten a chance to get to know each other. He missed those days when they had been able to sit around and just talk for hours.

  Smiling, Dr. Kahn glanced over at him. “Why not dinner?”

  He shrugged. “I think that had been my first request, but she said no.”

  “Because I was dating someone at the time, and dinner just felt too intimate,” Jules explained. “We went back and forth until we settled on breakfast.”

  “So you were already in a relationship when you met?”

  “Yes, but it wasn’t serious. Not serious enough to fly out with him to my friend’s wedding.”

  Mason watched as Dr. Kahn jotted something down on her notepad. Had she been taking notes this entire time, or had he only just started to notice?

  If the fact that he had continued to pursue Jules while she had been in a relationship piqued her interest, Dr. Kahn didn’t let it show. That small detail certainly hadn’t stopped him. He’d known from that moment on what he wanted—and he’d gone after Jules.

  “It sounds like you two had an interesting start.”

  Jules turned to him again, a warm smile on her lips. “I guess we did.”

  He couldn’t remember the last time she had smiled at him like that. It felt nice—honest and real. Moved by a sudden need to touch her, Mason took her hand in his and laced their fingers together. When Jules tightened her hand around his, he hadn’t realized how tense he was waiting for her response.

  “Fast-forward ten years later. What is your relationship like now?”

  They turned back to Dr. Kahn, the tension between them slowly returning. Jules shifted in her seat.

  “It’s…different,” she began.

  “How so?”

  “Well, so much has happened in ten years. We’re married with two kids, one of them with special needs. Naturally, things between us would change.”

  “Mason, would you agree?”

  He shrugged. “Sure. No one’s perfect, right?”

  Jules stiffened and pulled her hand from his. Mason instantly missed the small connection.

  “How would you classify your marriage?”

  “A work in progress,” Mason said.

  “What sort of progress would you like to see?”

  Mason gritted his teeth, irritated by Dr. Kahn’s incessant questions. “I don’t know. Doesn’t every couple have issues they need to work through?”

  “True. But what is it that you want in your marriage?”

  He shrugged, not sure how to answer that, because he really had no room to complain. When it came to their kids and their home, Jules took care of everyone and everything. He would love it if she showed just as much interest in his career, but then again, she had never been much of a hockey fan. Or any sport, for that matter. He had known that when they had first met.

  In a time when he had been surrounded by the press and puck bunnies, it had been refreshing to be with someone who didn’t particularly care that he was a professional athlete, and just enjoyed his company. Despite the challenges of a long-distance relationship, they had made it work, and one year later, he had married the woman of his dreams.

  “Honestly, everything I want, I already have.”

  Dr. Kahn nodded. “Okay. If you had to choose one thing that you could improve between you, what would it be?”

  Mason thought about it, his first thought being their communication. But that wasn’t true. Jules always expressed herself to him, especially when she was angry. It was probably the cause of many of their arguments. With him, she always seemed to find something to be upset about.

  “Mason, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?”

  “Affection.”

  Dr. Kahn arched a brow and heat crept up his cheeks. He cleared his throat to cover his embarrassment and could feel Jules’ eyes on him. It was strange for him to admit something so personal to a stranger, especially when showing and giving affection had never been an issue for them.

  “You mean like intimacy?”

  “Yeah. We could use a little more of that, too. I would much rather be making love to my wife, but most of our time is spent arguing the minute I get home.”

  Jules folded her arms under her breasts. “I don’t see how you expect us to be intimate when you’re hardly around, Mason.”

  He frowned at her. “Don’t put that on me. Every time I try to touch you, you find something for us to argue about.”

  “You can’t expect me to be in the mood just because you are. It doesn’t really work that way.”

  “Then please enlighten me, because no matter what I do, you find an excuse to pull away.”

  A tense silence fell in the room. Mason clenched his jaw, wondering how in such a short time they could go from laughing and smiling about their first meeting to snapping about their lack of intimacy.

  And the unruffled therapist started right back with her damn questions.

  “Jules, what’s the main source of your usual arguments?”

  “Hockey,” she said without hesitation. “He puts his career before us, and it’s frustrating.”

  Mason glared at her. “That’s not true, damn it, and you know it.”

  “Let’s try to keep our cool,” Dr. Kahn said, staring pointedly at him. “It’s important to hear each other out so you
can find out why your wife feels this way.”

  “He knows why,” Jules said tightly.

  “It doesn’t appear he does,” Dr. Kahn countered. “Why don’t you give an example of a time you felt he put hockey before you and your kids?”

  “Well, there’s yesterday, for starters. He missed our session because he was giving a press conference. Then there’s that time a few weeks ago when he cancelled a meeting with the principal at our daughter’s new preschool. This will be her first year, and he’s too busy with work to get involved with that.”

  He couldn’t argue with her on any of that, because she was right. This past year, he had prioritized his team over his family. Those extra drills, the long hours of practice, the time spent developing new plays had won them the Cup. Now he was going to lose his family.

  “It sounds like the main source of the tension between you two is your husband’s work. Do you think it would help your relationship if he quit?”

  Mason sat stiffly in his seat and braced himself for her response. He couldn’t see how backing him into a corner like that could ever save their marriage. But Jules had never given him such an ultimatum, and he’d always been grateful for that.

  “No. I don’t want him to quit his job. I just want him to find a better balance. It’s like ever since his dad passed away, he’s—”

  “Jules, don’t.”

  She glanced at him, then fell silent, folding her hands on her lap. His tone was harsher than he had intended, and that drew Dr. Kahn’s interest.

  “You don’t want to talk about your father?” she asked.

  “I don’t want to make this session about him, because it has nothing to do with him.”

  “According to your wife, he’s a small factor. When did he pass?”

  “September last year.”

  “And were you two close?”

  Mason gritted his teeth and nodded, annoyed that she would continue on the subject of his dead father. The pain of losing him was still fresh and he didn’t need some therapist to drum up daddy issues where there were none. Dalton Courage had been a great father to him and his younger brother Ryder. It was through his father that Mason had found his love for ice hockey. Even when Ryder had decided soccer was more his sport, their father had supported them equally, never missing a game. And when they had both gone on to play professionally, their father had been their biggest cheerleader to the very end.