My Future Ex-Girlfriend

by Jake Gerhardt

  I learned quite a lesson from Sharon Dolan that afternoon in the bookstore. After she discovered I was a fraud, we had a cup of coffee in the café and worked out the end of our relationship. Knuckles and Moose laughed at a nearby table and I didn’t mind at all. I deserved it.

  A lesser man would’ve feigned illness, or maybe just dropped out of school, but not Duke Vanderbilt Samagura. So despite my supreme disappointment at not giving the commencement speech and not having Sharon at my side, I found the strength to finish my sentence at Penn Valley. There I was in the lobby of the auditorium, checking in the crowd for NYC Nites.

  Looking back on it now, it’s truly remarkable we were able to pull it off. But I suppose it’s a testament to the work I put in before the unfortunate events that kept me from my duties. I suppose Miranda, and really everyone, rose to the occasion as well.

  The art of MiniMoMA was a hit. Everyone seemed to enjoy the grape juice. The cheese (lacking in variety) and crackers were consumed rather quickly. Jimmy Foxx, who has been a scourge of the education system for years, was actually wearing a beret (I was happy to see some of my style rub off on him) and leading groups to view the art. Who would’ve thought that could happen?

  Everyone chipped in to pick up for the slackers on the food committee. We had quite a smorgasbord, really. Good old-fashioned American hot dogs. Pizzas, falafels, pupusas, and kreplach. In all, I counted at least sixteen countries represented, which is not all that New York City offers, but it wasn’t bad for Penn Valley.

  If you can believe it, Sam Dolan, who fancies himself some type of humorist, actually made me laugh with a joke about whether our principal exists. I myself have never seen her.

  I watched as Sharon took the stage with Ralph Waldo. It was almost too much to endure, so I turned to the food carts for comfort.

  It’s funny how chance works. For at that very moment, I met the most wonderful, the most awe-inspiring, the most beautiful young woman my eyes had ever beheld.

  I was trying the falafel, and some yoghurt slipped out from the pita. I stepped back, hoping it would not get on my suit and preparing to straighten out the falafel maker if it did.

  “You don’t want to get that on your bow tie.” A mellifluous voice came from behind me.

  I turned to see the most ravishing girl.

  “So far so good,” I said, checking my suit. “But of course I always carry a backup bow tie.”

  She chuckled, revealing her beautiful white teeth and perfect smile.

  “Hi, I’m Portia,” she said.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Portia,” I said, clasping her hand professionally, as if it were a business meeting. I was not going to overdo it this time.

  “Forgive me, but I don’t believe I’ve seen you at this school. Tell me about yourself.”

  “No need to apologize,” she said. “I don’t attend Penn Valley. I go to Cedarbrook. My mother’s best friend has a son enrolled here. We’ve known each other our entire lives. Do you know Ralph Waldo? I think he’s onstage right now.”

  “Is that so,” I said. “So you’re practically related,” I added, for if it was not something she had thought of, I at least wanted to plant the seed. I felt instantly a need to protect this innocent rose from the lecherous Ralph Waldo.

  “I wouldn’t say that,” she replied, laughing.

  And what a laugh. What a smile. Her high cheekbones, lovely and firm, perfectly framed her bright brown eyes, and the light was perfect. She was absolutely stunning with her hair lit from behind by the setting sun. I don’t know what music was playing in the auditorium, but in my mind I heard, I felt, Gershwin’s “Rhapsody in Blue.” There was so much potential, so much new in the world.

  “Now tell me, Portia, will you be attending Penn Valley High School this fall?”

  17

  Freewriting

  Chollie Muller

  June 9, 2016

  English 8A

  Mr. Minkin

  Suggested Writing Prompt: If you were going to give a commencement speech, what would you say? What is the advice you’d give to younger students? Whom would you specifically thank? Who helped guide you through your years at Penn Valley Middle?

  Dear Mr. Minkin,

  If I was lucky enough to give the commencement speech I think I’d start off thanking a whole lot of people. I guess my mom and dad first. They always get me up in the morning and my dad makes me breakfast and my mom makes my lunch. That’s pretty cool of them and I’ve never thanked them. So I guess I would thank them during the commencement speech. And now that I think about it I should probably thank them tonight.

  My brother Billy should also be thanked. Though truthfully, his advice almost made me lose my girlfriend multiple times. But he gets an “A” for effort. And besides, he’s always been there for me.

  I think I’d be able to give young people advice, too. One piece of advice would be to hold the football with two hands until you cross the goal line. And practice your free throws. You’ll never know when you’ll be standing there all alone at the free throw line with two shots to win the game. And believe in yourself, because if you give up you’ll never know what you can accomplish. No matter what, you gotta stick with it. Look at us. We finally won a championship. And I have to admit even though I wanted to hit a homer to win the game, being a good teammate is a pretty great feeling, and just as important as anything else.

  Last but not least, I think I’d like to thank Miranda. There’s just something about her. When I’m with her I feel on top of the world and also very relaxed at the same time. Without Miranda I just know I would not have gotten that bunt down in the baseball game. I almost think without Miranda I wouldn’t have had any fun this semester, if you can believe that.

  So even though I’m excited for high school and happy Miranda and I will be going to Penn Valley High together, there are lots of things I’m going to miss about middle school.

  Hey, Mr. Minkin! If you notice a little something on the paper it’s teardrops. How about that?

  Duke Vanderbilt Samagura

  9 June 2016

  English 8A

  Mr. Minkin

  Suggested Writing Prompt: If you were going to give a commencement speech, what would you say? What is the advice you’d give to younger students? Whom would you specifically thank? Who helped guide you through your years at Penn Valley Middle?

  Sir:

  Now that I’ve seen your stand-up comedy routine, I’m beginning to have an entirely different view of you.

  Before NYC Nites I would have accused you of twisting the knife Lichtensteiner stuck in my back by picking names out of a hat instead of having a fair competition for the speech. But now I realize that you have a sense of humor, albeit a sick one.

  Perhaps you should pack your bags and bring your talents to Penn Valley High. I’m sure you can’t be worse than who’s currently teaching there.

  At any rate, I must say I’m glad I’m not giving the commencement speech. What I had prepared was a speech based on Pericles’ extolling the glory of Greece. Thinking back on it, it may have been a trifle boring. And based upon the lessons Sharon taught me, it might not have been appropriate for the occasion. After all, we’re only moving ahead to the ninth grade. Pericles was giving the eulogy to fallen soldiers who gave their lives to Athens.

  Keeping that in mind, perhaps your questions would make for a better commencement speech. I would advise the younger students to fight for their right to a first-rate education. I’m certain the school will try to cut the library’s hours once I’m gone. Don’t let them. The library is yours.

  I would advise younger students to push Mr. Wexler into taking chances with theatre. Theatre is alive! It is protean! It is necessary for a functioning democracy.

  I would tell the students that the student council is a powerful tool. And I would tell them to remember N
YC Nites, to never forget how we, the class of 2016, took the bad news of the canceled class trip and pulled off a night to remember.

  Who would I thank? Is that your bid, Mr. Minkin, to get an undeserved mention, a “shout-out” as they say, in a bogus commencement speech? If that is the case, you will be disappointed, for I shall not thank you.

  And I won’t thank Mr. Lichtensteiner, who runs the school the way Knuckles and Moose would, if they had a chance to run a school.

  And I won’t thank my parents, Neal and Cassandra, who are too interested in their books and their college students to worry about me. Then again, maybe I should thank them for letting me, Duke Vanderbilt Samagura, be me.

  Erica Dickerson

  June 9, 2016

  English 8A

  Mr. Minkin

  Suggested Writing Prompt: If you were going to give a commencement speech, what would you say? What is the advice you’d give to younger students? Whom would you specifically thank? Who helped guide you through your years at Penn Valley Middle?

  If I was going to write a commencement speech, Mr. Minkin, I don’t think I’d prepare for it. You know how sometimes when you hear a speech you can tell that it’s been memorized and over-rehearsed and it comes out sounding insincere? That’s not what I would want for my speech. Sometimes the best moments are improvised.

  In fact, that is exactly how I would begin my commencement speech. I started as a new kid without knowing a single soul, and now I have friends who I hope will always be at my side.

  I would advise the younger students in the crowd to try new things, whether it’s going out for the play or a sports team or working on the yearbook. It’s probably where you’ll make great friends and have more fun than anywhere else at Penn Valley.

  And I would warn younger students to stay away from the turkey with the yellow gravy. Why is the gravy yellow? It looks like it’s radioactive.

  And I’d suggest always carrying some extra toilet paper. You never know when a toilet paper rebellion will break out, so you can never be too prepared.

  In all seriousness, I would encourage younger students to laugh every day, and not be afraid to cry when you have to, even if you have to do it alone in your room after you make a tough decision. And when you’re done, pick yourself up and start a new day.

  Sam Dolan

  June 9th 2016

  English 8A

  Mr. Minkin

  Suggested Writing Prompt: If you were going to give a commencement speech, what would you say? What is the advice you’d give to younger students? Whom would you specifically thank? Who helped guide you through your years at Penn Valley Middle?

  Hey Mr. Minkin,

  Not only would I thank a whole bunch of people, but I would also like to leave them with something. Nothing huge, just a little something to remember me and the Class of 2016. And since I’m still a couple of years away from making millions, I’m going to leave IOUs.

  To Mr. Minkin: A book of writing prompts. This way you can be sure you’ll never run out of questions to ask your students.

  To Mr. Lichtensteiner: A huge signed portrait of me to hang in his office. He always gave me a hard time, but I have a feeling he’s going to miss me.

  To Mr. Porter: A gavel so he can keep order at the student council meetings. Seriously, Miranda and Duke really did all of the work.

  To Mrs. Stempen: A tracking system so students can never smuggle dissected frog parts from the lab. I doubt Foxxy and I are the only ones who have ever thought of that. We might be the only ones who thought to put the parts on lunch trays as a joke, though.

  And to my friends, I owe them so much. But mostly I need to thank them.

  To Foxxy: I need to thank Foxxy for being a good guy to me after Erica dumped me. Can you believe I almost didn’t show up for the NYC Nites celebration? It just goes to show what a good friend he is, especially after I sort of treated him bad after Holly Culver broke up with him. I owe Foxxy big time for also making just about every day at Penn Valley great fun.

  To my younger sister Sharon: I hope she’s watched me closely so she doesn’t make the same mistakes I did. She’s already made a great decision by breaking up with Duke. So she’ll probably be fine next year.

  To Erica Dickerson: I would just say thanks to Erica. If I haven’t told her, I’d want her to know she made the end of Penn Valley Middle School more fun than I could have ever dreamed. I hope we’ll stay friends in high school.

  Miranda Mullaly

  June 9, 2016

  English 8A

  Mr. Minkin

  Suggested Writing Prompt: If you were going to give a commencement speech, what would you say? What is the advice you’d give to younger students? Whom would you specifically thank? Who helped guide you through your years at Penn Valley Middle?

  If I were going to give the commencement speech, I don’t think I would give any advice to younger students. Those younger students probably won’t heed my advice anyway and, hopefully, they’ll be making the same mistakes all of us did. Looking back on my years here, I don’t think I would’ve had any fun if I didn’t make mistakes. I mean, flipping out at the student council meeting was the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done. I could barely bring myself to go to school the next day. Now, I’m smiling at myself just thinking about it. It set some wonderful things in motion.

  And I don’t think I’d go through a list thanking people. Not unless I wanted to put everyone in the crowd to sleep.

  I think if I was going to give the commencement speech it would be short, like this freewriting exercise. I’ve learned to stop overthinking things.

  I would say eat your veggies, study for tests, be the first in line in the cafeteria when they have tater tots.

  Oh, and have fun, because it goes by really, really fast.

  Jake Gerhardt

  was born and raised in Cheltenham, Pennsylvania. He attended Elkins Park Middle School, where he played football and basketball, ran track, performed in the school musical, and was a member of the student council. He also found time to attend many school dances, in constant pursuit of a (future ex-) girlfriend.

  Since graduating from West Chester University, he has worked as a teacher. He currently lives in Los Angeles with his pulchritudinous wife and two amazing daughters.

  Jake is the author of Me and Miranda Mullaly and My Future Ex-Girlfriend. Please visit him at jakegerhardt.com.

  1. Being in a state of moral or intellectual darkness; unenlightened.

  2. I first fell for Sharon at the cast party I threw for my costars when she, to my great delight, quoted Sherlock Holmes. It was magic.

  3. I’m paraphrasing Winston Churchill, who said of his political opponent Clement Attlee, “Mr. Attlee is a modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.”

  4. The world-famous Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City. There is a very well-reviewed exhibition on view: Pergamon and the Hellenistic Kingdoms of the Ancient World.

  5. A scarce supply; lack; shortage.

  6. From Sherlock Holmes. Sharon and I both very much enjoy these classic mysteries from the pen of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

  7. The third book in their vapid series on the Voiceless in America.

  8. I intend to write a couple of plays to improve the current wasteland known as Broadway after I graduate from Princeton with a degree in international relations. Since Sharon is a natural and talented thespian. I’ll give her the starring roles, of course.

  9. “Why” in French. Brava, Cassandra!

  10. You can see the president’s schedule on whitehouse.gov/schedule. It looks to me like the American taxpayer is getting ripped off once again.

  11. Earlier in the semester Chollie Muller and Sam Dolan were my enemies over a now-forgotten matter.

  12. Don’t laugh. Knuckles and Moose are my imaginary friends wh
o keep me in good form while also keeping my enemies in line.

  13. Hats commonly worn by most men in a better time. After I’ve reintroduced the bow tie to the world, I may wear a fedora or homburg.

  14. Characterized by or having great physical beauty and appeal.

  15. Of or associated with letters or the writing of letters.

  16. Not sure if this will stick, but trying it out for now. I can’t imagine signing Duke Vanderbilt Samagura endlessly when my first novel is published.

  17. They are planning on a little pamphlet as a guide for student protesters. It was difficult for me not to stick my head in the oven along with the pie.

  18. Nothing against Harvard, but I’m very much leaning toward attending Princeton. It’s only an hour away from Penn Valley, where Sharon will be during my freshman year.

  19. When I have some free time, I’m going to write an article about the grade inflation that is rampant throughout Penn Valley and, sadly, the nation.

  20. According to The Chicago Manual of Style, I am indeed correct in insisting on “fewer.” In Sharon’s defense, however, many sources promote using “less” rather than “fewer.” And she makes a good point about rice.

  21. The well-deserved nomenclature used to describe French film directors. The average Hollywood hack deserves no such accolades.

  22. The Umbrellas of Cherbourg in English. Jacques Demy’s 1964 film that inspired future generations and is considered a classic.