The Seven Steps to Closure

by Donna Joy Usher

  ‘Stop it,’ I advised her firmly, watching Ricardo talk to Elaine. Elaine turned towards us and pointed at Natalie, and Ricardo immediately headed in our direction.

  ‘Well, that’s got to be good,’ I said to Nat.

  ‘You don’t know that,’ she said, sounding distressed. ‘He could be coming to ask for the rest of his things.’

  Ricardo stopped a couple of metres short of us, and stood silently, staring at Nat. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. The look on his face revealed such intense longing that I felt my heart clench.

  Nat met his eyes, a look of shame on her face. Her eyes started to well up and she looked away, blinking rapidly, to stop the tears falling. Then glancing up shyly and meeting his gaze again, she said so quietly that I had to strain to hear, ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Shush,’ he said, closing the gap between them and pulling her into his embrace.

  ‘No really, I am,’ she said.

  ‘Don’t,’ he whispered gently as he stroked her face. Then he kissed her. It was so passionate and personal I felt embarrassed witnessing it – his hands moving from her face to her hair and down to her back where he crushed her to him, her dress clenched in his fists.

  Finally, they stopped – both of them panting for air – and he bent and touched his nose to hers. ‘I’ve missed you so much,’ Nat said.

  ‘Never again,’ said Ricardo, shaking his head, ‘I can’t be parted from you ever again.’

  And the kissing resumed.

  When they were at the staring-at-each-other-hand-holding stage, Alistair cleared his throat to get their attention. ‘Should we all go to dinner?’ he suggested.

  Ricardo looked a bit uncomfortable ‘I don’t want to intrude,’ he said, gesturing to all of us.

  ‘Don’t be silly,’ I said. ‘Anyway, it’s for Nat’s birthday.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Nat asked him while we walked to the restaurant in Chinatown.

  ‘Well,’ he said thoughtfully, ‘I didn’t want to look like – how do you say it in Australia? A looser.’

  ‘Loser,’ said Nat. ‘Why would you look like a loser?’

  ‘Cleaning toilets and pretending I was a doctor.’

  ‘But you wouldn’t have been pretending.’

  ‘How could you have been sure?’

  ‘I would have believed you.’

  ‘And if I didn’t get Board Membership in Australia, would you still have believed me?’

  ‘But you have a degree.’

  ‘Anyone can forge something like that these days.’

  ‘I see your point, but I would have believed you,’ she insisted.

  When I finally got home, it occurred to me that I had become the odd one out. I would probably become the hanger-on, inviting myself on my friend’s dates and just generally being wherever I wasn’t wanted.

  ‘Oh well,’ I said to Bad Bunny as I rolled over and punched my pillow. ‘Hopefully Ricardo, Alistair or Gloria will get desperate for a bit of alone time and set me up with a yummy doctor of my own.’

  But as I drifted off to sleep it was Matt’s face that I saw, and it was Matt that I found myself dreaming about.

  * * *

  ‘I can’t listen,’ I said to Dinah.

  ‘Shhhh, you’ll miss it,’ said Sue.

  ‘I don’t want to hear it,’ I said.

  ‘Well why are you in here?’ she asked me kindly.

  ‘The cake’s in here,’ I said, ladling some more into my mouth.

  Sue smiled at me and squeezed my hand. ‘I can tell you who won if you want.’

  I thought about it, realising that I didn’t want to hear it because if I didn’t, I could pretend it wasn’t real. But that wouldn’t change anything. Matt was about to announce which of the five, lovely contestants he had chosen to marry. Maybe he wouldn’t choose any of them. A wild fantasy popped into my mind of him denouncing all of them and instead declaring his love to me. I knew it was a long shot, but I decided to stay.

  As the segment started, Sue reached over and turned up the radio. Rana raced into the tearoom and said, ‘Did I miss it?’

  ‘Just starting,’ I told her from between clenched teeth. She smiled sympathetically.

  The cheery radio announcer reintroduced each of the contestants and replayed the interviews. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he said, ‘All righty then the King is ready to make his announcement. Which contestant have you decided to make your Queen?’ I decided I hated the chirpy radio announcer.

  None of them, I willed Matt. None of them.

  ‘Contestant number three,’ Matt said.

  I sank back into my seat, totally deflated. He had done it, he had picked his bride and it wasn’t me.

  ‘Which one was that?’ Sue asked. ‘Not the pina colada chick?’

  ‘No, that was number one,’ Rana advised her.

  Dinah was watching as I struggled to control my facial expressions. Reaching over she deposited another piece of cake onto my plate.

  ‘Thanks,’ I said, pushing it around with my fork. ‘It was the one that thought Italy was a continent,’ I advised them. I had logged onto the radio station website and, sadly, memorised all the interviews.

  ‘The one that thought Mission Impossible was a James Bond movie?’ Sue confirmed.

  ‘Ahuh,’ I said through a mouthful of cake. I swallowed it and then put my fork back on my plate. ‘This has got to stop,’ I said to Dinah while gesturing at my plate.

  ‘No more comfort food?’ she said.

  ‘Well, not as much. I need to wean myself off it. Otherwise in a year’s time I’m going to be ten-tonne-Tara again.’

  She smiled sadly at me. ‘Everything will work out for the best,’ she said wisely.

  ‘I know it will,’ I said looking at her. ‘But I also know that it won’t happen by itself. That’s something I learnt from The Seven Steps to Closure. I need to be proactive if I am to get better.’

  ‘That’s an important lesson,’ she said.

  I nodded my head. ‘I just need to remember it.’

  * * *

  I was at Bar Blue with the gang, celebrating New Year’s Eve. The end of the year had gone so quickly. That’s always the way with a year though isn’t it? It starts off at a crawl as you recover from Christmas and the New Year festivities, then all of a sudden the Easter eggs are on the shelves. You have a few long weekends to soften the middle of the year and then you find yourself staying up late on the 30th of June trying to get your tax return done, so you can get your money back as fast as is humanly possible. You tell yourself you’re only half way through the year, but the days start flicking by faster and faster. Halloween speeds by like an eerily lit orange train, and then all of a sudden the Christmas carols are playing in the department stores. It’s only the beginning of November, you tell yourself indignantly. Still plenty of time to get ready for Christmas. But every year without fail, you find yourself, with a few hundred other equally frantic people, in the days before Christmas, trying to find the perfect present for everyone in your life. And every year you fail, because the perfect presents have already been purchased by the super organised people of the world, and all that’s left on the shelves are bed slippers, underwear, socks, daggy C.D’s and bad paperback novels. And although you plan the perfect Christmas dinner – with wonderful bon bons and Christmas themed tableware, in the end it is easier to go to your parents’ for lunch – where your poor mother slaves in the summer heat, over the biggest roast turkey you’ve ever seen. And by the time it is ready, no one is hungry, having filled up on grog and snacks, and everybody is too hot to eat. You don your paper hat and play with your pathetic little plastic top that you won in your bon bon. Your New Year’s resolution is to be more organised and lose weight.

  ‘This year,’ I said to Gloria and Dinah, ‘I am going to lose weight.’

  ‘You mean next year,’ Gloria slurred. ‘Cause it’s not technically this year till next year.’

  I burst out gi
ggling, ‘Gloria how can it be next year when it’s this year?’

  She looked at me for a while; I could see her brain trying to function through the champagne induced fog it was currently operating under.

  ‘I don’t know,’ she finally said.

  ‘You mean that you’re going to lose weight next year, because you only have one hour and thirteen minutes to lose weight this year,’ said Dinah.

  ‘Yes, I see what you mean. That would be quite a weight loss challenge,’ I said before breaking into such hysterical giggling that I fell off my stool and onto the floor.

  ‘I’m okay, okay,’ I announced loudly as I jumped to my feet.

  I could see the bouncer on the door of Bar Blue eyeing me off, and I don’t think it was my body he was looking at. I gave him a cheeky wave and a smile, really not wanting to be thrown out only an hour before the New Year countdown.

  ‘Seriously,’ I said, ‘they serve you alcohol and then complain when you get drunk.’

  ‘It’s quite a conunbum, I mean cobumrum, no, no I mean co-nun-DRUM,’ said Gloria triumphantly.

  ‘Gloria,’ I giggled, ‘you’re really funny when you’re pissed.’ We clutched onto each other laughing so hard we both fell onto the floor. I saw the bouncer shaking his head in dismay as Dinah helped us up.

  ‘I’m going to be more organised,’ said Dinah, after we had regained our seats.

  ‘I’ll help you,’ said Gloria. She leaned towards Dinah for a kiss.

  ‘I’m going to collect toilet rolls and make my own bon bons next Christmas,’ I announced loudly, hoping to break up the snog.

  Elaine and Alistair, and Nat and Ricardo were off close dancing. I’d gotten up to dance with them initially, but then the music had gotten slower and I had found myself swaying on the spot by myself, trying to work out how to leave the dance floor without looking like some sort of sad tosser. I had finally realised there was no possible way to do it without looking like a sad tosser, but that swaying on the spot by myself looked even sadder, so I had left and crashed Gloria and Dinah’s private conversation. They had very kindly included me in their group, so I would be damned if they were going to spend the next hour and eleven minutes snogging in front of me. They could snog at the New Year and not before.

  Much to my delight, my toilet roll announcement broke up the embrace.

  ‘What a good idea,’ said Gloria, while Dinah sniggered. ‘Maybe we should do that.’

  ‘Every year Tara plans to make her own bon bons. What happened this year?’ she asked me.

  ‘The empty toilet rolls were taking up too much space in my bathroom cupboard. I meant to collect them again at the end of the year, and then with the wedding of the year, trying to achieve closure and travelling around India with someone whom will remain nameless tonight, I totally forgot.’

  ‘What were you going to put in them?’ asked Gloria.

  ‘Lollies,’ I said.

  ‘What else?’

  ‘Hmmm, maybe some chocolate.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘Well I must admit I’ve never thought this deeply about it.’

  Dinah started to laugh.

  ‘Hum, maybe a balloon,’ I said.

  ‘That’s a good idea. You don’t normally get balloons in bon bons.’

  ‘Yeh,’ I was warming to my bon bons plan, ‘and maybe a card.’

  ‘What sort of card?’ asked Gloria.

  ‘From a deck of cards.’

  ‘What would you do with that?’ said Dinah.

  ‘Well, whoever gets the highest card gets to boss round the people under them for the day, and so on down the cards.’

  ‘Brilliant,’ enthused Gloria, ‘and you have to keep your card on you at all times or you have to skol a drink.’

  ‘Yeah. But you can force other people to swap cards with you, so that the person down the pecking order can make their way to the top.’

  ‘How?’ said Gloria.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I admitted.

  The three of us silently contemplated my dilemma.

  ‘Maybe you could challenge someone to see their card and if they don’t have it they have to swap with you?’ suggested Gloria.

  ‘Yeah that’s it. Or you could steal it; either way, they have to skol their drink and then you get to boss them around all day.’

  ‘What else will be in the bon bons?’ asked Gloria.

  ‘Oh I know,’ I shrieked, ‘fake tattoos.’

  ‘Wow, I bet there have never been fake tattoos in bon bons before. So what else?’

  ‘Ummmmmm. Well a hat of course. But not those stupid paper ones. No, I’ll put real caps in mine.’

  ‘Tara,’ said Dinah.

  ‘Yeeesss.’

  ‘Exactly how big are these bon bons going to be?’

  ‘Big. I’m going to cut the toilet rolls up and use them to make bigger ones.’

  ‘Why don’t you just buy a roll of cardboard to make them?’ she asked.

  ‘Wow. I’ve never thought of that.’

  ‘And what are you going to put in them for the cracker part?’ Dinah continued.

  ‘Well… I just thought you could say BANG, when you pull them.’

  ‘So how do you know who won?’

  ‘The person with the biggest half,’ I said seriously.

  ‘You mean the biggest piece. Cause a half can’t be bigger than the other half, otherwise it’s not a half,’ slurred Gloria before putting her head on the table.

  ‘You’ve bon bonned her out,’ said Dinah in amusement.

  ‘That’s the first time I’ve ever bon bonned someone. Do you think bon bonning someone could be listed as a talent?’

  ‘What, like if you went in a Miss Universe competition?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I said, and then continued in a deep voice, ‘please welcome to the stage Miss Tara Babcock, her talent is bon bonning innocent victims.’

  ‘Would you have to bon bon someone during the competition?’

  ‘Yes. I may need to borrow Gloria.’

  Just then, the others returned from the dance floor.

  ‘What happened to Gloria?’ asked Elaine.

  ‘Tara bon bonned her.’

  ‘She appears to be dribbling on the table,’ observed Alistair.

  ‘I’m all right,’ Gloria shrieked, sitting up so quickly that I fell off my stool in fright. Just then the music got boppier and Gloria raced to the dance floor screeching, ‘I love this song – come on.’

  We all followed her and engaged in wild crazy dancing. I jumped around and around with my arms stretched in the air and the music pumping through my body, feeling so lucky to have such wonderful friends.

  All of a sudden, the D.J. was counting in the New Year and all my friends paired off staring into each other’s eyes, getting ready for the New Year’s snogging session. I found myself wondering if Nat would lend me Ricardo for a quick kiss so I wouldn’t feel totally left out, but decided not to press the friendship that far. Feeling a tap on my shoulder I turned to see the bouncer standing behind me. Oh great. He was going to turf me out now? It’s not like I was behaving anymore badly than anyone else in the bar.

  ‘Eight,’ said the D.J.

  ‘You’re not going to,’

  ‘Seven.’

  ‘Kick me out now,’

  ‘Six.’

  ‘Are you?’ Maybe Bar Blue didn’t want to ruin its reputation as the hippest bar in town by allowing a single person to be seen on the floor at the countdown to the New Year.

  ‘Five.’

  ‘No,’ he said in a broad, pommy accent.

  ‘Four.’

  ‘Well, what’s up?’

  ‘Three.’

  ‘Just thought,’

  ‘Two.’

  ‘You might like,’

  ‘One,’

  ‘A bit of this.’

  ‘Happy New Year.’

  And then he kissed me. It wasn’t a wonderful romantic kiss, or a wildly passionate one. But it also wasn’t sloppy and didn’t involve
too much tongue. And while I would have preferred that it were Matt kissing me, I have to admit this was the perfect kiss to have when you’re not having a kiss.

  ‘Thanks,’ I said, smiling at him as we broke apart.

  ‘No problem, all part of the service.’ He gave me a cheeky little salute and sauntered back to his post on the front door.

  ‘What was that?’ Elaine asked me, laughing.

  ‘Oh, that,’ I said nonchalantly, ‘I pre-ordered a New Year’s snog. He was just delivering it.’

  ‘That’s why they won the Best Bar,’ Elaine informed me quite seriously. ‘They have wonderful service.’

  The evening went on for a couple more hours during which more champagne was consumed and more dancing followed. It was the wee hours of the morning when I finally stumbled in my front door. The red light on my answering machine was blinking and I hit it as I carefully navigated my way to the bathroom. As I picked up my toothbrush I realised I could hear Matt’s voice. Staggering, I raced back to the machine managing to connect with most of the furniture in the room. I yelped as I stubbed my toe on the couch and then banged my thigh on the table.

  ‘Shit, shit, shit, shit,’ I said as I hopped to the machine to replay the message. In my hurry I missed the replay button and hit the erase one.

  ‘Noooooo,’ I shrieked as I saw the light stop flashing. ‘No, no, no, no,’ I cried as I stabbed rapidly at the buttons on the machine, trying desperately to get the message to replay.

  After about five minutes, I had to admit defeat. I had erased the message. All I had heard was him wishing me a happy new year. Had he said he missed me? Had he said he wished he could be with me? I couldn’t be sure. Bad Bunny in tow, I dragged myself off to bed and promised myself I would ring him in the morning.

  * * *

  It was the morning I had been dreading. I sat with some toast and a cup of coffee, and tried to ignore the thought going round and round in my head. Today was the day Matt was getting married.

  I’d tried to ring him a few times on New Year’s Day, and each time gotten the currently unavailable message. After that, I had given it all up and decided that this year was the year I got over Matt. I secretly feared that my life had gotten off course and I would spend the rest of it getting over the guy who had helped me get over the guy before him. I shuddered at the thought.