Memento Mori

by Lexi Blake

  “Tucker, new friends.” Tucker had absolutely no discretion. Not that he was ashamed of what he’d done. That PM had also screwed over more women than Jax could count, and Me Too hadn’t started at the time. It had been up to him to deal out some justice.

  “I like you, Seaborne. I’m going to take you under my wing,” Heather said. “First we’re going to dress you better. Then we’re going to do a couple of things that will make River’s heart melt and get you right back in her bed. Tell me something—was your revenge on Matt all financial?”

  That would be far too easy. “He might find himself with any number of arrest warrants in most of the cities he would run to. And I might have tipped off the cops in Omaha to the illegal drugs he has in his apartment.”

  “Did he have illegal drugs?” she asked.

  “He will after the PI I paid gets through,” he said with a shrug. “I’ve learned one lesson. If you’re going to take someone down, take them all the way down. He won’t hurt another woman again.”

  Heather sighed. “I did not expect that. You’re going to make this hard on me, aren’t you?”

  “I’ll make it quite easy. I’ll do anything you tell me to do if it gets her to like me again.” He wasn’t going to be stubborn about anything but getting her back.

  An oddly wistful look crossed Heather’s face. “I do like a man who knows what he wants. River is a wonderful person. She’s a little lost right now. I think she needs you.”

  It hurt to hear that. There was an ache in his chest thinking of her adrift. “I know how that feels.”

  She picked up the jacket he’d tried on. “I think we’re going to trade this in. I saw a nice green one. It would go well with your eyes. And we’re going to tighten up those jeans.”

  He put himself in Heather’s capable hands.

  * * * *

  River sat in the booth at Hell on Wheels and stared down at the beer in front of her.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to go to Trio?” Sawyer asked, his brows drawn as he looked at the two of them. It wasn’t every day the owner of a business tried to get less business. Then again, she wasn’t the usual client here. She glanced around. It was past nine and the crowd was starting to pick up. The booths were all full and the bar was getting there. A group of rough-looking bikers had come in five minutes before. They’d ordered beers and whiskey and started to boldly check out every woman in the place. Heather had already turned down three different men and they’d only just sat down. “I don’t have any of that fancy wine you like.”

  Sawyer owned Hell on Wheels. The bar had been handed down from his grandfather who had started it on unincorporated land fifty years before. Sawyer hadn’t bothered to update the décor. It was a dive and proud to be one. If a night went by without a fight, it was a miracle. She was hoping for a miracle tonight. And by fancy wine, he meant the kind that used a corkscrew.

  “The beer is fine. You know, if I didn’t know any better I would think you don’t want us here, Sawyer.” She didn’t need to deal with his overly protective instincts tonight. She needed a beer. It had been one more tough day to get through. One more day when she would go to bed alone and worried about how to get through the next.

  His normally hard face softened slightly. “You know that’s not true. But I also know how nights here can go. I don’t want you caught up in that. Trio would be far more peaceful.”

  It wouldn’t be peaceful for her. She would look at the booth where she’d spent the night cuddled against Jax’s warm body, trying to make sure she didn’t get a mouthful of bacon.

  “We won’t be long.” She wasn’t even sure why she’d decided to come out tonight. Something about going back to her cabin, back to the silence and the odd mix of regret and fear and calm. In the cabin alone she had to mourn, and she was so sick of mourning.

  “I promise to watch out for her,” Heather said.

  Sawyer shook his head. “Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t like the feel of the crowd tonight. Things start going south in here, you two head back to my office. And if any asshole won’t take no for an answer, let me know.”

  He stalked back behind the bar, pouring out a whiskey for a blonde in a barely-there miniskirt. Hell on Wheels was starting to fill up with a crowd that wouldn’t be caught dead at family friendly Trio. If Trio was a pub filled with happy tourists and familiar locals, Hell on Wheels was pure bar. Most of the people who walked in came alone, looking for someone to spend some time with or a way to forget all the things that were wrong with their lives.

  She belonged here.

  What was Jax doing tonight? She’d sent him off with a list of things he would need for the couple of nights they would be out in the forest. She would do the heavy lifting when it came to shopping for equipment, but the nights were getting cold and he would need more than the light hoodie he’d come with. He’d told her he didn’t own a coat. Who didn’t own a coat when he lived in London?

  “What were they like? The film crew, I mean.” Heather sipped on her vodka tonic. “Andy said they were all dicks and that he could legally disclose that. I wasn’t sure what he meant.”

  Because she’d missed that meeting. “I can’t legally tell you until you sign the paperwork. Let’s just say they’re interested in protecting what they’re investigating. It’s more complicated than we thought, but we’re still doing the job. And they weren’t all that dickish.”

  She was already softening. Give her a couple of hours and all her good sense flew out the window. She’d barely managed to not call Jax back and let him explain. Would she ever learn?

  “Really? Andy particularly hated the head producer guy.”

  “Taggart? He wasn’t all that bad. I talked to him after the meeting.” He’d been sarcastic as fuck, but there was something about the man that made her think he was honorable. He’d thanked her for challenging him. He’d told her he didn’t trust anyone who kissed his ass.

  Heather shook her head. “No, the other one. Uhm…the Fain guy. That was his name, right?”

  Ezra. He was an enigma. “He was pretty quiet, actually. If I had to guess, he has as much power with that group as Taggart does even though he doesn’t flex his muscle as much. He seems incredibly smart, but he doesn’t talk a lot. He’s hot, though. They’re all hot. Could they not find any plain guys? Speaking of, you know just because it didn’t work out with me and Jax doesn’t mean you have to dump Tucker.”

  Heather sputtered, patting her chest until she could breathe again. “No. You misunderstand, my friend. I’m not interested in Tucker. I prefer my men a little rougher, if you know what I mean.”

  River preferred Jax. Well, she preferred the idea of Jax. Why had he turned out to be such a liar? “Well, you won’t have to worry about him. You’ll be leading the group with Robert and Owen. Robert seems solid, very smart. Owen has a Scottish accent that would melt the panties off most women, and he’s a flirty boy.”

  “I’m not most women.” Heather sat back, glancing around the bar. “Trust me. Those guys will get an excellent guide and nothing else. I did catch a glimpse of the maps when I dropped some supplies off earlier. I was surprised. It looked like some of those places are off limits.”

  The off-limits sites wouldn’t be roped off, but all the experts knew where not to go. The rangers would patrol those sites and they would escort anyone in violation out of the forest. They would not be welcome back in. “They had permits.”

  She’d called and the paperwork had held up. They were going in on scientific permits.

  Heather seemed to think about that for a moment. “I guess that’s what Andy was upset about. I don’t know him all that well. He’s kind of a loner, but I do know how much it annoys him when he feels like protected sites are trampled on.”

  “I think I’ll let Andy watch the offices while you and I head the two teams and Ty stays at base camp. Do you think Andy’s ready to be in charge of the office?”

  Heather shrugged. “It’ll be fine. Though
I do wonder how much we know about him. He doesn’t talk about himself.”

  “We’re a weird group. Most of the people I worked with over the years have more in common with Andy than you or Ty. The kind of people who like to spend long periods of time in the wilderness tend to be loners. I don’t talk a lot, either.” She took a sip of her beer. After all this was over, she would take a trip by herself. She would have the money to take a few weeks off, find a good trail and hike. There were places where she could walk for days and not see another soul.

  Maybe then she could find a way out of this cage she was in.

  “You can talk to me, you know.” Heather leaned over as the jukebox started playing, the sound of classic rock filling the room.

  “There’s nothing to say.”

  Heather glanced up as the door came open, a cool breeze sweeping through the room. “Well, maybe that will give us something to talk about.”

  River turned slightly and frowned. Jax had just walked through the door and he wasn’t alone. Tucker was with him along with Robert and Owen, who she’d met earlier in the day.

  She couldn’t catch a break.

  And it wasn’t like he could walk in looking like hell. Nope. He had on a pair of Levis that managed to sit low on his hips and hug his ass. No man should have an ass like that. Muscular and round, and he hadn’t minded when she’d held those cheeks in her hands as he’d driven into her, making her scream out his name.

  “Are you okay?”

  She kind of heard Heather. Mostly she heard the way Jax laughed at something Owen was saying to him. He didn’t smile a lot. There seemed to be a shroud of sorrow around him sometimes, but when that handsome face split into a grin it was like the sun came out.

  He turned and then the smile was gone as he caught her gaze.

  She turned back to Heather as fast as she could. Maybe he wouldn’t come over. Maybe he hadn’t noticed that she was drooling and making an idiot of herself when she’d told him she wasn’t interested in him anymore.

  “He’s totally coming over here, and he’s got his band of man hotties with him. Do you think they would be upset if I called them a man squad? And take a deep breath. You’re super flushed right now,” Heather said.

  Crap. Crap. Crap.

  Why did she hate the fact that he’d stopped smiling when he’d seen her? Why did that make her ache? She’d tried to tell herself it was a good thing that he’d shown his true colors, but now she wasn’t sure what those colors were. He’d been so sweet earlier in the day. He’d seemed earnest and real, but then, like he’d said, he knew a lot of actors.

  “Hello, River.” His voice was deep and rich.

  She loved the sound of it. She bet he could sing. “Hi. I didn’t expect to see you here.”

  “Would you like us to leave?” He stared down at her with sad puppy eyes. Gorgeous eyes. “I didn’t come here to make you uncomfortable. Big Tag and Ezra gave us the night off. We thought we would have a couple of drinks.”

  Heather sat up. “Is the whole gang here, then?”

  He shook his head. “The bosses are hanging out with Nell and Henry. Big Tag complained about tofu, but it was actually pretty good. I’m not minding going vegetarian. I think I might try it for a while. Sasha and Dante are hanging around the house.”

  “The house being that massive cabin on the Rio Grande?” Heather asked.

  Billionaire software developer Seth Stark had spent his summers in Bliss when he was growing up. When he’d decided to settle down and get married in true Bliss fashion, he’d built a massive cabin on the banks of the Rio Grande outside of town. It made sense they were staying there. She hadn’t heard about the Movie Motel being full.

  He nodded. “Mr. Stark is in New York and graciously allowed us to stay. It was good to see you, River. We’ll grab a six pack and head back to our place.”

  He didn’t get out much. The way he and Tucker talked, their bosses kept them inside most of the time. She wasn’t sure why. Possibly the delicate nature of this job. If she had to stay inside all day she would go stir-crazy. She couldn’t help but think about the way he’d stared up at the stars the night before. He’d tilted his head up and there had been a look of wonder in his eyes. Like he’d never seen the sky before.

  He’d looked at her that way. Like he’d never seen a woman before and couldn’t take his eyes away. In that moment, she’d felt beautiful.

  “You don’t have to leave.” She couldn’t send him away. “I was almost done.”

  “We just got here,” Heather complained.

  Now if she retreated, they both suffered because she got the idea Jax would be hurt.

  If he could be hurt by her leaving, if he was capable of that kind of emotion, he wasn’t exactly a ruthless bastard, was he? “We can share the bar. We’re going to be sharing the woods in a few days anyway.”

  The smile that rocked her damn world was back. “Thanks. And yes, we will. I got my jacket today. And some socks. Mine all had holes in them. I think Owen does the laundry wrong.” He stopped, his expression turning a bit sheepish. “You don’t want to hear my laundry stories. I’ll go hang with my broth…the guys. See you later.”

  He turned and there was his backside. He did not skimp on the glute workouts.

  “You’re flushed again. Should I check your temp?” Heather looked like the cat who had lapped up all the cream.

  “No.” She sipped on her beer, determined not to look their way. “And you’re a terrible wingman.”

  “I’m an awesome wingman,” she argued. Heather didn’t seem to mind looking at the group of hot guys. “I think you’re wrong about Jax. I think he’s a nice guy. Can I ask you a question?”

  “I get the feeling you’re going to ask it even if I say no.”

  “Was he bad in bed?”

  River sighed. “He was perfect. He was amazing. I didn’t take exception to anything but the fact that he felt the need to lie to me. And he went through my purse.”

  “You don’t know that he did that. I’ve thought about this. The door was slightly open when I got there. What if it was a raccoon?” Heather asked. “Have you confronted him about it? We know he didn’t take anything.”

  Was she really certain she hadn’t unzipped her purse sometime that night? She’d had her mind on other things and she’d had a couple of drinks. Nothing had been missing.

  Heather seemed to sense that she was wavering. “Would it be so bad to spend time with him while he’s here? He’s going to be in town for a few weeks. Why not enjoy him? Are you afraid you’ll fall for him?”

  She’d already fallen for a version of him.

  Heather leaned in, her voice going low. “You never have any fun. You never let go, River. How can you get back into the groove of life if you keep running away from it? Do you want to be stuck forever?”

  “No.” She couldn’t stand the thought of staying in this place, this bland, colorless existence she’d been living in since she’d realized her father was dying. She hadn’t even cried. She’d buried him and shed not one tear. She hadn’t cried in the last months. Numbness had taken over and all she’d felt was regret that she couldn’t mourn the father she’d loved because she’d spent so much of her soul serving him in his last days, watching that once mighty man grow small and confused, crying out like a child in the night.

  The evening before had been the first time she’d felt alive in forever.

  Could she handle it? Could she enjoy Jax and not expect anything but a good time?

  “I’m not ready.” It hurt to say the words. She wanted to walk over and pretend she was that girl, pretend she could have fun, but she wouldn’t. She would get in too deep with him. She would need him and she couldn’t let herself need anyone else. Maybe not ever again.

  Watching her father die seemed to have killed something inside her, too.

  Heather put her drink down. “All right. Well, we’ll sit here for a bit and then we’ll go back into town. I’m sorry. I worry about you.”

/>   She was trying to be a good friend, but River wasn’t sure she wanted to feel close to anyone right now.

  Melancholy stole over her as the song changed to a ballad.

  She glanced over and Jax had taken a seat next to the blonde at the bar. He was turned away from her, talking to his brother, but the blonde was staring openly at his back. River realized she’d probably looked a whole lot like that when he’d first walked in.

  It looked like the blonde had a friend. A busty brunette walked in from the back of the bar where the bathrooms were. She stopped and stared and then seemed to have a whole slutty conversation with her friend using only the powers of their skankiness.

  Damn. She wasn’t that girl either. She didn’t judge anyone for how they dressed or who they consensually slept with.

  “Uhm, maybe we should go.” Heather was staring at her like she’d grown a couple of heads.

  Her purse suddenly vibrated. “Why?” She reached in, not wanting to take her eyes off Jax. Maybe this was exactly what she needed. She needed to watch him pick up another woman. Or two. They were two sexy women. Sure she thought they didn’t need to show their hoochies off every time they bent over, but that was their choice. And maybe they had particularly overheated hoochies that required more air circulation.

  Or they were skank hos.

  She didn’t even look to see who was calling, simply slid a finger over the screen to accept the call. “Hello.”

  They were circling him like two bedazzled sharks. He was talking to Tucker. Owen seemed to have figured out there were women in the bar, but Jax hadn’t even noticed them. The blonde tapped on his shoulder and he turned, shook his head and turned back to Tucker.

  “What have you done to me, you bitch?”

  She started at the sound of that familiar voice. “Matt?”

  “You know exactly who this is.”

  Heather’s eyes had gone wide. “Your ex?”