A Paper Trail

by Magan Vernon

She looked at the girls behind me. "Why don't y'all start looking through the racks here and see what we have in dark purple that you like and we can start trying them on. Do a little fashion show?"

  The girls looked between each other and then shrugged before they scattered, going to the different racks.

  "I hope you don't mind. I don't want to seem pushy," Meledy said.

  I shook my head. "No. It's perfect. Low key. It's how I like it."

  "You're not making us wear heels, are you?" Alicia yelled.

  "I guess you don't have to. You could wear flats," I said.

  Meledy grasped my arm. "You know what would be really cute? Feel free to say 'no', but if all the girls were in purple dresses with brown cowboy boots. It would definitely have that country feel."

  I hadn't thought about that. I never actually thought about having cowboy boots at a wedding, but I assumed Blaine would be in his boots. The guys were wearing jeans with brown blazers and white button-ups, so girls in boots would actually match well.

  "Yeah. That would be great." I couldn't help the grin that kept spreading on my face. It was the most I smiled in a while. Finally things were looking up with this wedding planning.

  "You know, there are a lot of cute things in this store, maybe you could actually find some maternity clothes that fit you," Mom said, leaning over my shoulder.

  "Oh, I don't need any." I shook my head.

  Meledy smiled. "You know, I did just get in some new tops if you just wanted to try them out. They're not exactly maternity, but with the flowy material, you can wear them now and even after the baby is born."

  I looked between my mom and Meledy's smiling faces and then sighed. "Okay. You two win."

  It was way easier shopping with all of the girls than I thought it would be. Even Brittany found a purple high-lo dress that looked great with boots. It was only the second time I'd seen her in a dress and the first time I'd seen her happy to be in one.

  Vicki finally eased up and picked out a light brown shift dress and I walked away with a few tops and dresses, and of course new boots.

  I wasn't sure if I could get the nerve to wear something in a bigger size, but after trying them on and actually feeling comfortable instead of like I was about to burst out of my clothes, I decided it was time. It also helped that Meledy wasn't pushy and everything seemed to finally be falling into place in my life.

  Now I just hoped it stayed that way.

  Chapter 18

  After dress shopping, I left with my mom the next morning to fly back to Chicago.

  Aunt Dee wasn't done with my dress and on the plane ride, in my new maxi dress from Lenora's, I was wondering if maybe I should have picked out another dress while we were getting the ones for the bridesmaids, or maybe considered looking somewhere in Chicago.

  But another part of me, knew she could pull it off. If I could pull of school, a baby, and a marriage, I had to have faith that everything was going to fall into place.

  I would have preferred a day to relax and just put my feet up, but my time in Chicago was short and I was cramming in two baby slash bridal showers, a bachelorette party, bridesmaid and flower girl dress shopping with Beth, and anything else my mother could find to do.

  After an early morning flight, I barely had time to change before we drove to Beth's place in the suburbs.

  I hadn't seen her and barely talked to her since Luxx was born. The last time I talked to her, she was half paying attention to me and constantly complaining about Luxx's latch on her boob. Obviously our conversation didn't last long.

  Beth and Brian lived in one of the large suburbs that was about a forty-five minute drive from the city and a ten minute drive from the house we grew up in. Brian was a chiropractor at a clinic in town and Beth taught at the local elementary school, but was taking the rest of the year and the summer off to spend time with Luxx. I secretly wondered if she was actually ever going to go back to work. She was always the more maternal one out of the two of us. When we played house when we were younger, she was always the mommy, toting all of her dolls wherever we went. I was the one who preferred to see how many of the dolls I could stuff in random places and then wait to hear Beth scream when she found them.

  Now we were both having little babies of our own. This time I wouldn't be the one hiding my kid in random places. Now I actually had to be "the mommy".

  Cars were already parked in the driveway and up and down the oak-lined street. Their house looked like something that a movie would be filmed at with the Frank Lloyd Wright design (that I only knew what it was called because Beth never shut up about it when they first bought it). I thought it was kind of weird looking with the heavy window sills, pointed wide roof overhang, and the dark gray stucco that completed the house.

  But who was I to judge? I was going to be living in a shotgun house in New Orleans.

  Not that I was complaining. I loved that Blaine loved the house and that it was going to be close to work and school, but it wasn't what I dreamed of in a home. I never really thought too much about my future and forever afters but now that it was happening, I thought about sitting on the front porch in the summer time, drinking sweet tea, and watching kids play in the yard. There wasn't a yard in the New Orleans house or even a real porch.

  Maybe someday.

  Mom parked and we walked down the flower-lined path to Beth's front door, where a spring wreath hung that said "welcome" in big, curvy letters.

  We didn't even need to ring the doorbell. Beth was already at it, staring at us wide-eyed.

  "Thank God you're here!" She hugged me and Mom.

  I raised an eyebrow. "Is everything okay?"

  Beth pulled back and looked at me. "Have you talked to Leslie lately?"

  I shook my head.

  Beth nodded toward the living room to her left. "You may want to go see her. Or not. You could go run back outside too."

  Okay, this was getting weirder and now I had to see.

  I slipped my shoes off and walked into Beth's professionally decorated living room with the beige walls and white furniture. I expected maybe some puke on the ground from a baby or something that showed she had children.

  But instead of paying attention to the cute little bow tie garland or Mason jars full of baby toys, I saw Leslie, sitting in the middle of a few people on the couch with her hands on a growing baby bump.

  Mom stopped beside me and froze. It wasn't until Leslie finally looked in our direction that we were forced to move. And move very slowly.

  "Libby! The guest of honor!" Leslie stood up and walked over to us, giving us both a hug.

  "Leslie, you're...you..." I just stared. I couldn't even form words.

  Leslie waved her hands. "Oh, let's not talk about me right now. This is your day. It's your wedding and baby shower!"

  "And I guess we'll have to start planning one for you as well?" I asked, still staring.

  Leslie's hands flitted to her stomach. "Oh, we don't need to talk about that."

  "I think we kind of do. When did this happen?" Mom asked.

  Leslie forced a smile. "We found out when Libby was here last, but we weren't sure we wanted to tell anyone just yet, especially with all the excitement of Luxx and Libby being here. We also thought about adoption, but once we saw that little heartbeat, there was no way that Clifton and I could ever part with her. We're due in October."

  One month after me. Holy shit, my baby was going to have an aunt or uncle that was his age. This was not what I was expecting to hear when I came to Beth's. I didn't know whether to be pissed off or sad or what. Instead, I was just in shock.

  "Oh. Wow. That's crazy and I'm so happy for the two of you!" I said, mustering up the biggest smile I could force.

  "I need to go feed Luxx before the shower starts," Beth said, scooting toward the baby swing that was swaying back and forth.

  "Oh, do you mind if I watch? I've been doing research on breast feeding and it would help me to see a proper latch. Maybe Libby wants to see as well,
" Leslie asked, blinking slowly.

  "Um, well, I'm still not very good at it. We've been doing a lot of supplementing." Beth's eyes darted around the room as if she was looking for her escape.

  "Oh. That's okay. I understand," Leslie said, rubbing her stomach and then walking back to the party where a few of my cousins and aunts were sitting.

  None of my friends were there yet, but they were supposed to come after the shower for the bachelorette party. I wasn't even sure if I actually wanted a bachelorette party. I was still under twenty-one, so I couldn't technically get into the bars, ignoring my fake ID, and pretty sure it would be frowned upon to be the pregnant woman rolling up to the bar, even if I just drank virgin pina coladas all night.

  My mom's cousin, Ellen, scooted over for a spot for me on the couch. "Elizabeth Gentry, I haven't seen you in ages."

  "It's been awhile." I smiled. I actually didn't see too much of my family. Mom was an only child and my dad had an older brother who lived in Canada. We had some scattered cousins around, but nothing like the Crabtree family gatherings.

  "I know. I think my high school graduation was the last time."

  She pursed her lips. "Yes. That would make sense. But now look at you! Getting married, having a baby, living in New Orleans. It's like you're a whole different person."

  "Yeah. I guess you could say that." I didn't know if it was supposed to be an insult or not. Ellen had a face that I liked to call "resting bitch face"; she rarely smiled and it just looked like she was always pissed off at the world.

  "Do you have a name picked out?" my mom's cousin, Brenda, poked her head out from behind Ellen.

  "Not exactly, but we have some ideas."

  "Well, go on, spill them!" Brenda said.

  "Blaine really likes the name William Robert Crabtree, but I'm still not sure. I'm thinking of something more original, yet traditional."

  Beth came practically out of nowhere with a sleeping Luxx in her arms. "You know that William Robert would be shortened to Billy Bob, right?"

  "What?" I raised an eyebrow.

  "Bill is short for William and Bob is short for Robert, ergo Billy Bob. You'd definitely have a country boy if you named him that."

  Everyone in the room laughed as if I was the butt of some kind of a cruel joke and I wasn't exactly pleased by it. As if Mom could sense my dismay, she clasped her hands and approached the group. "Ladies, why don't we get this party started now that we're all here?"

  But I didn't want to party. I didn't want to do anything. People always talked about post-partum depression, but I felt like I was getting pre-baby depression. My hormones were all over the place, so I would get upset if I dropped a plate or stubbed my toe. I could cry at the freaking drop of a hat. Now, I had to smile and pretend like I wanted to be with everyone, when really I was ready to sleep.

  After a light lunch of finger sandwiches and salads that were all catered in from some upscale cafe, we drank blue lemonade from plastic cups decorated with mustaches.

  Then I had to sit my big pregnant butt in a chair and open various baby and wedding gifts while Beth wrote them all down. Then people marked them off a check list for a baby and wedding dual bingo game that Beth found on Pinterest.

  Sure, I spent the whole day sitting, but by the time my last family member left, I was exhausted. I wanted nothing more than to go back to my parents' house, curl up in their expensive guest bed and sleep the rest of the week.

  But Beth had other plans.

  After another feeding with Luxx, she passed her and a diaper bag off to my mom.

  "Luxx isn't going to stay for her first bachelorette party?" I asked as Beth shut the door behind Mom.

  Beth shook her head. "Very funny. The only baby allowed is my nephew Billy Bob and he has to stay in your stomach because there is no way in hell I want to deal with labor tonight."

  "Aw, darn, so Leslie isn't coming back?"

  Beth stopped and put her hands on her hips. "Can we just talk about how messed up it is that our step-grandma is having a baby who will be younger than both of ours?"

  I shook my head. "How about the fact that none of us knew until today? I wonder what Dad is going to say when Mom tells him."

  Beth shrugged. "Nothing that I'd want to say out loud and probably a lot of uses of the F word."

  "As long as he doesn't go back to downing a bottle of alcohol because of it," I muttered.

  "What was that?"

  "Nothing. Just talking to myself."

  Beth shook her head and sat down next to me. "You know, my friends used to all think we had the greatest life. We had the big house, nice cars, and our parents were still together. They didn't know that when our Dad got off work every night, he would pour himself a drink and then keep drinking until he passed out on the couch. It's why I never had anyone over and lost a lot of friends because of it."

  I remembered all of that vividly. Dad wasn't a bad guy, he just drank...a lot. I just thought it was normal. That a lot of parents had that stress. When I went to college, I figured that was how people dealt with their daily stress was to drink to excess. Now, after spending months with a counselor and actually being happy in Louisiana, I realized that drinking to excess wasn't the best way to handle things. Of course, neither was me crying about everything.

  "I was really worried when Brian and I found out we were pregnant. I didn't want Dad to watch Luxx and have him pass out while she drowned in the bath tub or electrocuted herself. I had a long talk with Mom and Dad and said that he had to get sober or they weren't going to see Luxx."

  I raised my eyebrows. "Wow. That's pretty harsh, Beth."

  She frowned. "But it needed to be said. I told them all that not long after you and Blaine went back to Louisiana. They were pissed at first, of course, and Dad said he didn't have a problem, but eventually he did straighten out. I think the same thing sort of happened when they found out about you and Blaine. I expected Dad to be pissed or get wasted, but instead he actually seemed happy. It was as if the joy of being a grandfather replaced his need to drink. I think Dad's actually happy now and maybe being happy helped him to overcome his demons."

  "Wow, that's really philosophical of you, Beth."

  It was. It took a lot of deep thinking and for the first time I found myself actually smiling. I expected Dad did go down a bottle after he found out I was pregnant, but maybe he didn't. Maybe all of the Gentry's were getting stronger.

  She smacked my leg. "Shut up. I'm being serious."

  I rubbed my leg. "Ow! I was being serious, too. It all makes sense to me, too. I guess you just voice things better than I can."

  She smiled. "It's the teacher in me."

  ***

  A few minutes later, Kristi rang the doorbell and came in with mixings for virgin cocktails and a few bottles of wine that she immediately put on ice.

  "Libby! You look great!" She hugged me as soon as all of the drinks were put away.

  "Thanks, Kristi, I feel like a whale. A very tired whale."

  Kristi shook her head. "Girl, you've got to stop body shaming yourself! You've always been your worst critic and this is the time in your life when you can eat anything you want and it's okay to be big."

  I chewed on my bottom lip. "Not exactly. The term eating for two isn't accurate because there isn't a full other person inside of me, but I am eating a few more calories than normal."

  Kristi rolled her eyes. "Are you using an app to track it?"

  "I am!" I said, pulling out my phone.

  Kristi sight and shook her head. "You can't go through your whole life worried about your appearance or track it with an app. Do you ever just let your hair down and stop worrying about everything around you?"

  I frowned. "Wow, Kristi, thanks for coming over and making me feel like shit."

  She offered a sympathetic smile. "I just worry about you, lil sis. I know how you get about things and I just want to make sure you aren't going to have a nervous breakdown like I'm pretty sure you did during your first midte
rms."

  I sighed, remembering the fact that I downed a bottle of tequila and ate an entire pizza, then threw it all up the night before my Spanish final. "No, Kristi. I'm not going to have a breakdown. Believe it or not, I'm happy. Things may be going crazy, but I have a good support system behind me."

  She squeezed my shoulder. "Good. Keep that support system close and you know I'll always be a part of it. Even if I can be a bitch."

  I smiled. "Thanks, Kris."

  The doorbell rang and a few more of my sorority sisters came to the door, followed soon by some that had graduated, and the living room was full again. Beth brought out more finger foods while Kristi poured some wine.

  "So what's the plan for tonight?" I asked, sipping on a Shirley Temple.

  "You know, going downtown and all of us wear fake bellies to see how many dudes we can find that are into pregnant girls. Then we'll head down Belmont to the sex clubs and see how you look in leather," Beth said, keeping a straight face.

  "Please tell me you're joking," I said.

  "Maybe I am and maybe I'm not."

  The doorbell rang again.

  "Oh that must be the sex toy party host!" Kristi jumped up.

  "Sex toy party?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at Beth.

  She smiled. "Well, I had to think of something that wasn't bar hopping and there's nothing to say that you and Blaine still can't have some fun on your honeymoon."

  "Gross, I don't want to talk about my sex life with my sister."

  "Hey, we all know how you got pregnant, no shame in hiding it now."

  "Uh, Beth, Libby, you'd better come to the door," Kristi yelled.

  I raised an eyebrow and stood up, following Kristi to the door. My mouth dropped in shock when I saw two men in blue uniforms standing at the door. But the bigger shock was that one of them was my ex-boyfriend, Beau.

  He whipped off his aviators and ran his hand through his spiky hair. "Excuse me, ma'am, we had a call about a noise complaint."

  Beth's eyes widened. "Oh. Shit."

  "Sorry, sir, we'll keep it down," I said.

  The other cop entered, followed by Beau and slammed the door behind him. "Oh, I've got something you can keep down."