A Mended Heart

by Jenn Leigh

I looked over at Cassie who was grinning widely. She had a beautiful smile with a dimple on one side.

  “What?” I asked.

  She only shook her head and went about picking a movie out.

  I went back into the kitchen to continue my search for snacks.

  ***

  Cassie picked out Daddy Daycare to watch. I wondered why the guys had this movie in their repertoire yet came to the conclusion that it was probably Nat’s.

  Cassie had the most adorable laugh, but I could tell she still wasn’t totally relaxed. She sat on the couch like she was ready to bolt at a moment’s notice. I figured that was years of training that had been ingrained in her. I had to figure out how to get some of that information out of her. I had a way to do it, but it meant opening up old wounds for me, as well. Regardless, I figured, if we shared something equally upsetting, we would bond with each other, something I thought we both needed.

  Once the movie ended, Cassie looked a little bit more relaxed.

  “I have an idea,” I offered. “Have you ever had a manicure and pedicure?” I knew the answer was probably no.

  “No. What are those?”

  “It’s having your fingernails and toenails painted. Want to give it a try?” I asked.

  Cassie looked hesitant yet then said, “Um ... okay.”

  “Cool. I’ll go and grab the bottles of Nat’s nail polish, and you can pick out some colors: one for your fingers and a different one for your toes. It’ll make it fun!” I quipped, getting up to head to the linen closet in the hall where I knew Nat kept her nail supplies.

  When I came back in the living room with a basket full of colors, Cassie looked a little overwhelmed, so I decided to intervene before she backed out.

  “What are your two favorite colors?” I asked, looking through the basket for my own picks.

  Cassie looked at the basket while I turned on some soft music in the background. I tried to make the atmosphere as relaxing as possible for the heavy conversation I was hoping we would be having.

  Cassie took a while to pick out some colors, finally deciding on lime green for her toes and a soft, sparkling pink for her fingernails.

  “Great choices!” I smiled at her. “Take off your socks and we’ll start there.”

  I went back down the hall to grab some lotion for a hand and foot massage for her, as well, trying to make this experience all about relaxation and comfort.

  When I came back, Cassie was casually looking through the basket at the other colors.

  “Nat has a lot of colors, huh?” I said casually.

  She nodded her head in agreement.

  “Okay, let’s turn and face each other. Put your foot down in front of me with it half resting on my leg so I can see your toes clearly. Great just like that,” I responded to her actions.

  Cassie watched me carefully, obviously never having gone through this before. I shook up the polish and unscrewed the lid, and then she watched in rapt fascination as I applied the first coat of color to her big toe.

  “So, I know you don’t talk very much and that you are a pretty guarded person, but I should tell you that, when girls paint each other’s toes like this ...” I paused, watching her reaction, before I raised my eyebrow and continued, “This is when girls tell each other their deepest secrets, like a bonding experience.”

  Her reaction become wary.

  “So, since I am painting your toes, I will go first and tell you my deepest secret, which I know you will keep because you’re not a talker.” I looked up at her as she processed what I was saying.

  She nodded her head yet kept the wary look on her face.

  I took a deep breath and started.

  “I had a high school sweetheart. We were going to get married and have kids and all the wonderful things that love and marriage bring to people. I ended up pregnant just after high school, but when I told my parents, they got really mad at me then took me away from the town I grew up in with all my friends and moved me back to our home country of Egypt where my extended family lives.” I paused to wait for the first coat of polish to dry on her tiny toes and to check her expression.

  She wasn’t wary anymore, but she moved into a semi-shocked state, so I continued.

  “I was told I was never allowed to see my boyfriend again and that I brought shame to my family. They kept me hidden from the public during my pregnancy because they didn’t want the public to know about it. For nine, long months, I stayed in my family’s home, only allowed to go out in our yard, but I had to stay out of sight.

  “Once the baby was ready to come out, they took me to another room, and I had to have the baby without the support of my mom.” I paused again, trying to get my own emotions under control and to have Cassie switch her feet.

  “Be sure not to touch your toes on anything until they are completely dry,” I warned.

  She nodded her head in agreement.

  “Anyway, something happened during labor, and I lost the baby. My parents told the doctor to whisk the baby away because it had passed away. Even my parents refused to tell me what I had. I think they were glad it happened.” I took a breath and wiped the stray tear away from my face before I looked up at Cassie.

  She looked back at me with the saddest expression and tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Nilka. That’s really sad.”

  “It’s okay. It was a long time ago. I just wish I knew if I had a boy or a girl so I could give them a name. My parents did take me to a grave a few weeks later so I could say my good-bye, but it was just a marker, no name or date. I probably couldn’t find it if I went back.”

  I finished the last swipe of polish on her toes. “There, your toes are done. You picked an awesome color, Cassie,” I remarked, getting away from the heaviness of the situation.

  We sat in silence for a few minutes while her toes dried.

  “Now it’s your turn to paint my toes.” I waggled my eyebrows at her.

  She smiled slightly, but I could tell she was worried about having her chat. I positioned myself with my toes for her to see and watched as she copied my movements.

  She looked proud of her accomplishment of painting my big toe. She looked up, and I gave her the thumbs up signal.

  “I’m not sure where to begin,” she started. “I don’t have a lot of information on my past. I know I was given up as an infant, but I have no clue where I was born. As far as I can tell, I’ve always been in the States, but all over really. I think I have been in Iowa for a few years now. My last foster family were okay; they didn’t beat me like the other ones did.”

  She didn’t look up at my reaction, just kept talking quickly, almost as if to get it out faster.

  “The last house I was at had an older couple, but there were no other kids there. They didn’t really seem to like me all that much. I was mostly ignored, which was fine by me. I got food and a bed to sleep in, but that was the extent of the caring I got from them. I tried to run away once because I was looking for any kind of attention from them, even though they never hit or yelled at me. It was almost as if I wanted it to happen because it was normal for me.

  “When the police brought me back, my foster mom sat me down at the table and opened this file she had with her. She’s the one who told me where my parents are. The file didn’t have their names, only the town. So here I am.

  “I told her I was going to look for my parents, and she gave me enough money for the bus. She never called the police about it, which told me she couldn’t care less about me. Doesn’t matter, though. I’m here, looking for them.”

  After she finished the first coat on my toes, she must have been feeling brave, because she went on about some of the other foster homes she had spent time in.

  “When I was old enough, I realized something was wrong, that I had been a punching bag for this one foster family. The dad and older boy hit me on a regular basis, and I found that if I cried or yelled, I would get it worse. I have a lot of scars on my body from them, but I figured out how to hide them well
.”

  Oh, my God, what twelve-year-old has to learn to hide scars? I seriously want to throw up. My heart was breaking, but I had a feeling the worst was yet to come.

  “They never hit my face. It was like they knew what they were doing and had done it before. The woman never rescued me, just sat, staring into space all the time. I think she was on drugs or something.

  “One night, the older boy came into my room and told me not to scream, or he’d beat me to death. I didn’t move, because I knew it would be worse. He undressed himself and came over to me. I wasn’t sure what he was going to do. I think I was like eight or so when it happened.”

  Oh, no. Please no. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. I didn’t know what my reaction should be at this point. Anger, for sure, but I really shouldn’t cry in front of Cassie. I needed to be brave for her.

  “I had no idea about that stuff. It was the most pain I had ever had in my life. I’d rather take one thousand beatings than to go through that again. I don’t really know what he did, but I bled for two days out of my ... bum ... and the other spot. I was so sore I could hardly sit.

  “When it came time for supper the next day, I got slapped because I couldn’t sit on the hard chairs. The boy looked at me with a smug look and chuckled to himself. I’ll never forget that look.

  “I ran away from them the next day. I managed to cross state lines and was found in another state then put into the system there. The next family I was with liked to yell, and the other girls tormented me with their comments, but I’d gladly take that over the hits.”

  Cassie got quiet after that, lost in her own thoughts, while all I could think was, Fuck! I want to scream from the rooftops! How could …? Why …? Just … Ugh!

  “I’m not sorry for running away. I don’t want to go back, and I don’t want to go to someone else’s house.” She looked up at me with pleading eyes; however, there wasn’t much I could do for her because of her age.

  I composed myself before answering. “I’ll tell you what. If you do get placed here in town, I’ll make it my personal mission to ensure that you are treated well and that I visit you every day or at least as often as I can. All of the people in town are very nice and would never do the things that have been done to you. Between Mark and me, we can ensure you are at least safe and somewhat happy in this town, even if it means you get to spend all day with us. Although, we are pretty boring people.” I winked at her, hoping to lighten in the mood.

  She smiled back timidly as she nodded her head at my answer.

  “I think our toes look fabulous,” I commented. “Now, let me get us some drinks.”

  I headed into the kitchen where I picked up my phone and sent a text to Mark.

  You were right ... It’s bad ... She was beaten and raped in a foster home.

  My hands trembled as I typed the message. I was so fucking mad I could hit something, but I needed to keep my calm for Cassie.

  My phone beeped with Mark’s response.

  Fuck!!!!!

  He didn’t need to say more; I felt exactly the same.

  I walked back into the living room with two sodas. Cassie had picked out two more colors other than the one she had out previously, both different than what was on her toes.

  “Going for the rainbow effect, I see,” I teased gently as she grabbed the soda from my hands.

  She merely shrugged her shoulders, but she had an excited look in her eyes.

  I pointed to the movie rack. “Why don’t you pick out another movie, and we can watch while we paint our fingers?”

  She got up and walked over, taking her time to pick something to watch. This gave me time to calm my nerves. I needed to gain control in order to stop my hands from shaking when I did her nails. Thankfully, she took her time picking something and finally decided on Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.

  I hadn’t seen the movie in years, but it was one I remembered and knew it would get a lot of laughs from her, which was something we needed, even if it wasn’t an intentional pick on her part.

  “Great choice!” I remarked. “It’s a pretty funny movie. Think you can handle all the laughs?”

  Cassie looked at me for a moment and then did something I wasn’t expecting. She stuck her tongue out at me in a playful manner. I was sure I had a shocked look on my face because she started giggling. I stared at her in wonder. It was the sweetest sound I had heard from her, and I wanted to break down and cry. After everything she had been through, her laugh remained innocent.

  I smiled at my revelation as I put the movie in. Once we were settled in, I started painting her fingernails. They were so small and dainty, and thanks to her bath from earlier, they were relatively clean. She looked normal, which was saying a lot.

  As I was painting her thumb nails, I noticed she had these ridges going across.

  “Hey, you have similar ridges to mine,” I offered, thinking it would make her feel normal if we had something in common.

  She looked at her thumbs then looked up at me.

  “Hmm ... I never noticed them before. Is it bad?” she asked.

  “I don’t think so. I’ve had mine for as long I can remember.” I went back to my task of painting her nails.

  She laughed at all the right parts in the movie while both of our hands were lying flat on our legs, allowing the polish to dry. It was getting late, though, and Cassie was wiped.

  “It’s been quite the long day for you, huh?” I remarked.

  “Yeah, but it’s been the best so far,” Cassie stated before yawning.

  “You must be getting sleepy. Why don’t we clean up then get ourselves ready for bed?” I asked.

  Cassie didn’t argue. She picked up all the polishes and put them back in the basket while I cleaned up all the snacks and movie stuff. Then I pointed Cassie in the direction of the guest bedroom where Nat had laid out some pajamas for her. She got herself ready while I finished cleaning up.

  She came into the kitchen where I was.

  “Are you leaving when I go to sleep?” she asked with terrified eyes.

  “I’m staying until Mark comes home. You get the guest room, and I’ll be here on the couch. I won’t go anywhere without Mark coming home first,” I promised.

  She eyed the house again before answering. “Okay.”

  I started to make my way down to where her room was. “I’ll come tuck you in.”

  She stopped in the hallway and looked at me curiously.

  “Has no one ever tucked you in before?” I asked.

  She shook her head.

  “Well, I’m glad I get to be the first.” I hooked my arm through hers, and then we walked into the guest bedroom.

  Once she was in bed, I tucked the blankets around her. “There, all tucked in. Tada!” I exclaimed like she was winning the lottery.

  She raised her eyebrow.

  “Okay, I’ll admit it’s pretty mundane, but that’s what it is, all tucked in. Have a good sleep, Cassie. Do you want the door open, closed, lights on or off?” I asked, heading to the door.

  “Open and on, please,” she said shyly.

  I did both then left her room, going into the living room.

  I wasn’t sleepy yet, far from it. I was silently plotting the murder of her foster family. I was well into my plot when Mark came home.

  He looked at my rigid expression and sat beside me on the couch. Then we both looked at each other in silence, trying to figure out what to do with this information.

  Unable to hold my anger in any longer, I flung myself at Mark, sobbing into his chest. He held me tightly as I let out my anger in tears. I felt him kiss the top of my head several times as he rubbed my back, waiting for the worst of it to be over. Once I pulled back, I looked at him sheepishly.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.” I looked down at my hands, embarrassed.

  He tilted my chin up. “Never apologize for how you feel. You’ve done that for years, since you left, and I hate seeing you hold all that emotion in. You may think you
are hiding it well, but I can see right through you, and it makes me sad to see you that way.”

  “Mark, we need to talk, but tonight is not the right time. I think I am ready to share what happened with me all those years ago, though it will change the landscape of our friendship. I just can’t do it tonight with all of Cassie’s stuff going on plus the wedding. Can you give me a few days to get my shit together before we have this conversation, preferably after the wedding?” I asked hesitantly.

  “Whatever you need, Nil, you know that. I promise nothing will change,” Mark replied confidently.

  “You say that now,” I told him as I got up to go home. I needed to get my wits about me and a good night’s sleep. Yeah, right.

  Chapter 5

  Mark

  Two things struck me as I sat on the couch and watched Nilka walk out the door: One, Cassie had a hell of a mountain to climb to get over her abuse and to find her parents. Two, there was a new shift between Nilka and me, and it didn’t sit well with me.

  Whatever had been holding Nilka back was about to change everything. I could feel it in my bones.

  I was deep in thought when I heard Cassie scream. I rushed to her room, finding her sitting up against her headboard with her knees tucked under her arms, rocking back and forth.

  I approached her quietly with my hands in front of me, hoping not to make it worse. To my surprise, she jumped up and threw herself at me, clinging to me like I was the only person on earth who could help her. It broke my heart to see her like this.

  I sat with her on the bed until her breathing evened out, and she relaxed in my arms, obviously falling to sleep. Then I put her back in bed and tucked her in, leaving the hall light on as I went down the hall to my room.

  I had just crawled into bed when the screaming started again. I went back into Cassie’s room and repeated the actions all over again, soothing her until she fell asleep.

  As I was making my way back down the hall, Daniel was coming in the house from the party. He didn’t look too wasted, but he definitely looked tired.

  “How was the rest of the party?” I whispered to Daniel.

  “Nothing to write home about. Lots of booze and dancing, not much different from when you left. Nat and Josh were right behind me when we were leaving. I expect them to walk in at any moment.”