by Jenn Leigh
She grasped the bracelet in her hands and held it to her heart as the tears started pouring out now.
“Oh, honey, I hope those are tears of happiness. They would have wanted you to be happy, especially on this day. I know they are watching over you.” I came over to her and hugged her, helping once again to wipe her tears without ruining her makeup.
“I love it, thank you. I never thought this day would come, and I know they are watching over me. I am very touched by this gift, and I will cherish it always.”
I helped her clasp the bracelet on.
The last and final box was labeled ‘Something Blue.’ She opened it and started laughing at the blue garter inside. This was from Josh with a little card that read, ‘A little fun for me later. Your loving husband xoxo.’
We both laughed as I helped her put it in place, and then I winked at her once I was finished.
“Well, Nat, I think our time is up, and we are ready to get you married.” I clapped my hands together as we made sure we had everything in place. Then I handed her the bouquet and picked mine up, as well.
I walked over to the door and opened it to find Daniel and Mark waiting to take the walk down the aisle. We were paired up accordingly: Mark and I, Lily and Daniel, and of course, Natalie taking up the rear with Josh up at the front, waiting patiently, or impatiently, for his bride-to-be.
The music started, and that was our prompt to go.
***
The ceremony was beautiful and went off without a hitch. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Josh was very thoughtful, adding moments into the wedding to incorporate her deceased family.
I couldn’t be happier for Nat as I watched them take their first dance together. She deserved this time, and Josh was the perfect man for her.
It made me sad to think this could have been Mark and I, which then brought up the impending conversation. I just wanted one more day of friendship before I lost him forever.
“Why the long face?” he asked, coming up behind me.
“Just thinking, that’s all,” I replied.
“Want to dance?” He held out his hand, and I smiled as I looked up at him, taking it.
He led me to the dance floor where we moved gracefully with the music. He always was a great dancer.
“Want to talk about it?” He looked at my face expectantly.
I shook my head, averting my gaze.
He turned my face back to his. “It can’t be that bad, Nil. You know that nothing will ever change between us and what we had and what we can have.”
“Not after everything that happened, it won’t. Mark, I want nothing more than to have what we had, but I just don’t think it’s possible given what I know. I don’t want this night to end, because I know it will be the end of us and the end of everything I once loved and still love,” I stated quietly, looking away from him.
“Look at me,” he demanded, and I did. “There is nothing on this earth that can change this.” He pointed between himself and me.
I didn’t answer. The song ended, and I pulled away.
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” was all I managed to say before a lone tear slipped down my cheek, and I walked away from the best thing I’d ever had.
Chapter 7
Mark
I started to get worried about what was going on between Nil and me. On one hand, I was finally glad she was going to let me know what had kept us apart all these years. On the other, a sense of foreboding came over me, almost like a panic. I was so close to getting her back, yet it seemed so far away at the same time.
Not only that, but I had Cassie to think about, as well.
I was just pulling into Mrs. Bennett’s driveway when I noticed Cassie sitting on the front step. I got out of my truck, and she came running over to me, hugging me hard.
“I thought you weren’t coming back,” she said tearfully.
“Of course I was coming back. Didn’t I tell you I was?” I asked as I ruffled her hair.
“I didn’t believe you,” she stated, hanging her head.
“Well, sweetie, I always keep my promises.” I smiled down at her, lifting her chin to make her look at me. “Now let’s see if we can start the search for your parents.” I offered her my hand as we went back into Mrs. Bennett’s house.
Once inside, Wanda Bennett greeted me then let me know she had set aside an area at the kitchen table for us to work at.
“How do you want to work this?” Mrs. Bennett asked.
“Hmmm … I’m not sure. I had Don contact her last foster home, and surprisingly, she was happy to help. She scanned him the documents that she showed Cassie. Let’s have a look at that and see where we can go from there.”
“Sounds great. I’ll start the coffee.” Mrs. Bennett walked back into her kitchen.
“What do you say we look at what you saw at your last place?” I opened the folder, found the document in question, and reviewed it.
There wasn’t much information to go on. It did have an approximate birth date for Cassie: March 5, 2003.
“Hey, did you know your birthday is in March? Mine is, too.” I smiled at her, and put my hand out to high-five her.
Cassie giggled and slapped my hand.
Nothing really popped out at me as being a solid clue as I went back to reading the document. There was a comment at the bottom of the page about the possibility of her parents being in Edgewood, but the form was dated a few years ago, so it was possible they had moved on. Back in 2003, I was just finishing high school, so I couldn’t remember who would have been older than me and could have had a kid. Also, everyone in Edgewood seemed to be well off, so unless it was someone who was passing through, I didn’t see the connection with anyone here. Maybe my parents would remember something from that time. I would have to remember to ask them when I got back to work tomorrow.
There were really no other clues that held anything substantial to help me make sense of Cassie’s situation.
“Well, Cassie, I think my next step is to ask my parents if they remember anything from the time you were born.”
She nodded.
“How about we head over to get some ice cream and just hang out for a bit?” I offered.
She smiled. “Sure.”
As we walked over to get some ice cream about three blocks away from the Bennett’s house, Cassie and I made small talk about things she would like to do now that she wasn’t living on the streets. She seemed less jumpy, which was a big step. It meant she was getting more comfortable here or at least with me.
During one of our silent moments along our walk, my thoughts returned to Nil and the conversation we were planning for tonight. What could be so bad that had her in knots? Whatever it was, I knew I was strong enough to help her through it, no matter what. I would prove to her I could be her rock and start to mend some fences between us. I wanted her back in my life for good. It would hurt too fucking much to never have that option again.
Cassie and I hung out at the park close to the ice cream shop. We sat on the swing and ate our ice cream mostly in silence, which was fine with me. She seemed to be a thinker and most definitely an observer.
A few minutes passed by before she took a deep breath, and I knew she was about to say something.
“Spit it out. I won’t bite.” I smiled at her.
“So … you and Nilka … is that a … thing?” she asked.
I narrowed my eyes at her playfully. “Why, you got something to say about it, small fry?”
She grinned back. “I think you make a great couple.”
“I think so, too, but Nilka has a different view.” I sighed.
As Cassie looked at me, I couldn’t decipher the look, but it was almost like pity or sadness. I didn’t understand why it would be coming from her, though. Maybe she was remembering something from her past.
“Hey, don’t worry about it, kid. I’ll figure out a way to make Nilka come back to me. I’ve been very patient so far, so what’s a bit longer, right?” I looked
over to her for approval, not that I needed it from Cassie, but since she had brought it up, I wanted her to feel included in my decision.
She nodded back at me then continued to lick her ice cream in silence.
Hmm, I wonder what brought that look on. Maybe more happened at girl’s night. I’ll have to ask Nil when we talk tonight.
After we finished, I walked Cassie back to Mrs. Bennett’s, gave her a good-bye hug, and told her I would be by tomorrow night after work.
I took a deep breath as I sat in my truck. Well, here goes nothing.
***
I knocked on Nilka’s front door then waited only a moment before she opened it with a faraway look in her eyes as I said my hello and walked in.
“Nil, you’re scaring the crap out of me. What’s wrong?” I asked gently.
She looked at me for a few brief moments, almost as if she was trying to commit my features to memory. I didn’t like the feeling that came over my body, like it was a good-bye.
“Why don’t we have a seat in my living room, and I can tell you what I know. It won’t be pleasant, just so you know,” she stated in a voice with no emotion, like she had shut them off.
I headed over to the chair in her living room. Her place was quite small compared to my home with my brothers, but with just her living there, I could understand the need for less space.
Her living room was typical for most bungalows. You came into the front door, and the living room was right off the entrance. She had a pass-through window that led to her kitchen just beyond the living room. All the bedrooms were upstairs, and because I had been here many times, I knew there were two and a bathroom just off the main upstairs hallway.
Nilka sat across from me on a plush-covered footstool and moved close enough so our knees touched.
“I’m not even sure where I should begin, but I’ll start, anyway.” She took a deep breath. “I want you to know that, before I left and even now, you are the one and only love of my life, and I will always love you. You can’t be replaced in my heart.”
My heart soared when she said that. It gave me a shred of hope for the future, even though she had made it sound like the end.
“My parents forced me to move out of the country when I found out I was pregnant with our child.” She paused, and I felt my heart drop. I was pretty sure my face fell, too.
“Don’t say anything yet, okay? There is much more to this than you are thinking,” she stated, putting her hand on my knee.
Was she serious? What more could there be? I had a child I was just hearing about now! What the fuck?
My heart started racing, but I wasn’t sure if it was from elation of being a dad or rage from not being told.
“My parents kept me hidden out of view for my entire pregnancy because having a baby before marriage brings a huge shame to the family. I was only allowed to go outside in our yard at certain times of the day to avoid being seen by neighbors and such.
“I was so lonely, and I was forbidden to talk to anyone from here. My parents threatened to cut me off from everything if I even breathed your name, Mark.” She had tears streaming down her face.
I wasn’t sure how to take this in. I felt horrible that she’d had to go through the entire pregnancy on her own when I would have been there no matter what, but at the same time, I felt … I didn’t know … robbed of the experience.
I was generally a level-headed person, but my heart was still racing, and right then, I felt mostly anger. Maybe not toward Nilka entirely, but to her parents, for fucking sure. How dare they take away my opportunity with my child? I could have really hit something right about then.
“That isn’t even close to the worst part. Once I went into labor, they brought in this strange lady, whom I assumed was a doctor at the time, but it turns out she was some sort of midwife. I was locked in a room with this lady with no support from my parents, not even my mom. I was given nothing for the pain, just had to go through everything on my own with this stranger.
“She made sure that nothing bad happened to me, but she didn’t even say one word to me. Nothing. It was a complete nightmare, and I remember being so scared, Mark. I called for you, you know.” She broke down now, putting her face in her hands.
Pure anguish washed through me. How could something like this be done to a teenager, a child, really? My anger at the whole situation was reaching a boiling point. I was torn, though. Did I comfort her when she had been keeping my child from me, or did I go to the one person I loved and provide her with comfort when I knew that was what she needed most? I was afraid I might break if I touched her, so I chose to stay quiet as she worked through her emotions.
“My labor went on for a few days. It was the most pain I have ever felt in my life. I remember, when I finally felt like I needed to get the baby out, the woman in the room came over to me and helped me deliver the baby. It didn’t take too long. At least, I don’t think it did, but I noticed that, when the baby came out, she wrapped it up. It never made a sound before she whisked it out of the room and away from me. I didn’t understand what was happening, but I thought that maybe there was a special room with equipment to clean the baby and stuff, and she would be right back. I was in so much pain afterward. I just lay on the hard mat that I had given birth on.
“Quite some time later, the woman came back to check on me, but she didn’t bring the baby back with her. I asked her if I could see the baby, but she never answered me. She was obviously satisfied with how I was doing and left the room, and I never saw her again.
“It was getting late outside; I could tell by the small window the room had. I was finally able to stand, so I got up slowly to look out the window, and it was like no one knew what was happening there. Everything was going on as normal.
“I couldn’t understand where my baby was, and it had been several hours since I had given birth. I was sure the baby was getting hungry. My parents didn’t even talk to me about anything to do with babies during my pregnancy. They just acted as if nothing was wrong, and I wasn’t pregnant. But my maternal instincts were kicking in, and I knew something wasn’t right.
“That night, or at least I assume it was the same night I gave birth, my father came into the room I was in. I begged him for my baby—our baby. I threw my body at him, trying to get him to see my desperation, but he stood there like a statute. I was sobbing at his feet. I couldn’t understand why they were withholding me from my baby. To make matters worse, my milk had come in, and my breasts were tremendously sore. I knew my baby was hungry, and I needed the baby.
“My father looked at me point blank, like it was any other conversation, like my desperation wasn’t real, and told me the baby had died.” Nilka broke down then, sobbing.
A rage like no other ripped through my body. I got up from the chair and started to pace in the living room. I didn’t hear her right, right? Did she say my baby died? What …? What …? What?
I stalked over to the nearest wall and put my fist through it, my breathing ragged. Once I pulled out my fist, I walked over to where Nilka was, dropped to my knees in front of her, and I broke.
All the emotions I had ever had came pouring out of me. I sobbed, cursed, and I raked my hands over my face. I was shaking so badly I wasn’t sure how I managed to stay upright.
“No, you’re lying,” was all I could say to Nilka, knowing full well she wasn’t.
“I wish I was,” I heard, her shaking voice matching mine.
She knelt down with me, and I couldn’t think of anything else to do except grab ahold of her. I sobbed some more for the loss of our baby, for the loss of our love, and most of all, for Nilka who had been forced to endure the most cruel and unusual punishment for a mistake I would make again in a heartbeat.
We stayed connected that way for quite some time until I was able to get over the shaking that was raking my body. Then I looked at Nil’s face and saw how much older she looked from carrying this secret all this time and how much it had changed her soul.
My voice betrayed me when I asked what we’d had. I wanted to know if I had a baby girl who looked just like her or a boy who looked like me. I wanted to imagine a face when I grieved the loss of my child.
“I was never told. My parents took me to a gravesite a week or so later so I could say my good-byes, but there was only a cross and a tiny mound. I am sure my parents knew, but I think they used it as my punishment for bringing shame to the family,” Nilka said quietly.
I was shocked, although I wasn’t certain how I was even able to be shocked more than I already had been in this situation. I didn’t even know what I’d had.
Without much warning, another round of sobs came over me. How was I supposed to process this? What was I supposed to do with this? I couldn’t … I couldn’t … I couldn’t even function right now.
How could she have lived with something this painful and not tell anyone? I wanted to yell it to the world how wrong it was. How hurt I was.
I didn’t even know….
“I have to go.” I got up abruptly and left Nilka sitting on the floor in tears as I made my way to my truck.
Chapter 8
Nilka
I watched Mark leave as silent tears streamed down my face. I deserved this; I deserved him leaving. I had known it would happen.
I picked myself off the ground and headed over to the place where Mark had put a hole in my wall. I stared at it, wondering if it had provided him any relief. I almost wished I had the strength to beat the shit out of something. Maybe it would relieve all the hurt I had held onto for the last twelve years. Twelve years of not telling anyone about what happened. Twelve years of pretending nothing had happened when, in reality, I had lost my soul the day my baby had died, and I hadn’t been able to tell anyone.
