Unbearable

by Alaska Angelini

  “How have you been?”

  I took my usual seat across from Dr. Ventori as he lifted the clipboard but kept his stare on me. The middle aged, balding man gave off a calming sensation. The smile that appeared was something I found myself doing a lot lately, which I couldn’t stand. It wasn’t real.

  “I’ve been great. Staying busy. I’ve been searching for jobs in the area.”

  “I see.” He scribbled something down and I looked around the room. A bookcase stood in the corner with a round table and four chairs just in front of it. Finger paintings from some of the patient’s kids were taped to the wall by the billboard. I turned away, my stomach dropping, just as it did every time I came in here. Caylee used to love finger painting. Her Thanksgiving turkey had been on our fridge for over a year before I had the heart to take it down. Ronnie had her paint me a Valentine’s one full of hearts just to get me to exchange it.

  “What sort of jobs have you been interested in applying for?”

  Although I had done the monitored searches, my mind hadn’t been in it. “I’ve been looking into newspapers in the area. As I mentioned before, I used to be a writer. I figured I might be able to land a job reporting. The description sounded like something I could do.”

  “Do you think you’ll be happy working in that field?”

  Misty had prepared me for these questions, schooled me on what I needed to say if I wanted to get out. She’d been in almost six months, too much of a risk for them to let her go. But me, I’d only been here for three weeks and I’d be damned if I was going to stay as long as her.

  “Working in the public would help me. I used to spend so much time by myself. I’ve learned that having people to talk to is important if I plan on getting better. And I’ve already come so far. I don’t expect that I’ll be cured from my depression overnight, but with the medication and the knowledge I’ve acquired while I’ve been here, I think I stand a good chance at finding happiness again. Especially, since I plan to continue my meetings. I’m not going to lie. I was in a very dark place before, but I’m better now.”

  More writing and he looked up and smiled. “I truly hope you take advantage of this opportunity you’ve been given. I’d hate to see you in here again…or worse. You’ll need to go see Melanie, but I’ll start your discharge papers.” He stood. “I’ll write you a prescription. I suggest you pick it up and take it as prescribed.”

  I was on my feet before I realized it. “Absolutely. Thank you, Dr. Ventori.” Yes, I’d pick up the pills, but there was no way I’d continue to take them. This medication-induced happiness I was forced to feel wasn’t going to work. Although I could feel myself generally feeling lighter on the inside, I knew it wasn’t real and I wanted to be in complete control of my mind. Wherever that took me.

  My hand went out and I shook his. I didn’t wait to head to my room. I was already packed. All I would have to do is grab my bag and I could be out of here. Surely, the paperwork wouldn’t take long.

  Misty rushed from the lobby area to begin following me down the hallway.

  “What’s the word?”

  I looked over, smiling, this one real. “I got it. I’m out of here.”

  Her arms flew around me. From the awkward angle, we both almost fell to the side. “Are you going to do it? Are you going to him?”

  My eyes cut over and I began walking again. “I’m not sure.”

  The truth was, I didn’t need help to end my life. Not really. Then again, I’d failed all the other times. I was torn. I wanted to be alone. Wanted to do it in private. Perhaps if I went back home…

  Just the thought of walking through that door made me feel sick. I wasn’t sure I could do it there.

  “I’m going to, if I ever get out of here,” she went on. “I hear he monitors and makes sure you succeed. You could do it this time, Diane. You could see your little girl again.”

  I slowed, feeling angry that she’d even had the nerve to mention Caylee out loud.

  “Maybe, I will. I’m—”

  “Are you having second thoughts?” she rushed in. “We talked about this. You told me that you really wanted to do this. If that’s true, there should be no question. Jump at this opportunity. He’ll take care of everything.”

  Was I having second thoughts? No, it had to be the drugs they had me on. “Of course I’m not. There are just some things I have to do before I decide. Who is he? How do I know I can trust him?”

  Warmth settled around my hand as she pulled me to a stop just outside my door.

  “I heard about Master from a very reliable source. A friend I met at one of my meetings. She’d never lie to me. She went to him. Although Josie changed her mind at the end, she told me that it was the best thing for me to do if I was ever contemplating. I was stupid not listening to her. How do you think I ended up here?” She squeezed tighter. “Don’t think about it, Diane. If you want this, go to him.”

  Her persistence and something behind her eyes had me nodding. As I watched her walk away, an unsettling feeling washed over me. Did I still want this? I knew I wanted to be with my family again, but right now? Today? What if it didn’t work? What if I was doomed to come back and spend another few months here? Or longer?

  I pushed open the door and walked over, grabbing the small bag that belonged to me. It would work this time. There were ways. Poison? God, why did I have to be so afraid of guns? Maybe if I had him pull the trigger. Would he? It wouldn’t hurt to ask. After all, he didn’t mind monitoring the situation. Being a sick voyeur and a murderer were too different things, though.

  Weight bumped into my back at the toss of the bag over my shoulder. The walk down the hallway became fuzzy and I could hardly recall waving to some of the people I’d met while I was here. Signing the discharge papers was just as disconnected. A part of me didn’t want to leave. I was safe here.

  Tears welled in my eyes, but they didn’t fall. It was the pills. They wouldn’t even let me cry. I hated it. My head lowered, looking at the prescription I held. The writing was nothing but scribble. Yet, those curvy lines held the power to take over a person. It wouldn’t be me anymore.

  I stuffed the paper in my bag and broke through the main entrance. The sky was a dark gray. Rain loomed ahead, but luckily, I wouldn’t have to walk in it. A cab sat at the end of the sidewalk and I headed for it.

  “Mrs. Saxton.” A deep voice had my head turning. A man stood there, not much younger than myself. His light brown hair was combed to the side and he was wearing what looked to be an expensive business suit. The closer he came, the lighter his brown eyes appeared. His nose was thin and straight, offset by thick lips. I stood a little straighter, wondering if he was an official ready to march me back inside. “You’re Mrs. Saxton, correct?”

  “I am. I’m sorry, who are you?”

  “Jaime Livingston.” His hand outstretched and I shook it, still feeling uneasy. “I work for a man who is interested in meeting you. I’d like it very much if you’d allow me to give you a ride to go meet him.”

  A laugh came from me and I took a step closer to the cab. “I don’t get in the car with strangers.”

  “Excellent, because I wouldn’t want you to.” His arm looped around mine and began leading me to the dark sports car resting behind the cab.

  “Wait a minute,” I said, breaking his hold. “You are the stranger, in case you missed that.”

  From the edge of his mouth rising, I knew he was amused. “No, we’ve already been introduced. We’re not strangers anymore.” A hand slid into his pocket as he continued to stare at me, waiting. The cab honked and I took a few steps back.

  “I have to go. I’m going to miss my ride.”

  “Don’t you even want to know who sent me here for you?”

  I paused. “Oh. Who?” Why hadn’t I thought to ask him that? Probably because I couldn’t really think at all.

  “He calls himself Master. You’ve heard of him, yes?”

  A powerful thud slammed against the inside of my chest,
but died off just as quickly. Another side effect. “Oh,” I said again. This was it. Did I want to go? What if I denied the invitation and he wouldn’t take me after that? What if I then botched my suicide again and ended up back in this hospital?

  His hand extended. “Will you ride with me to go see him? It shouldn’t take long. You’re conversation will be quick. He just wants to hear a yes or no from you in person. Nothing more.”

  Still, I felt myself edging back. “I have some things to take care of. His address is in my bag. I’ll come to him when I finish.”

  “Doesn’t work that way, Diane,” he said softly.

  How did he know my name? To even come looking for me? All I had told Misty was that I’d think about it. Yet, here this Jaime was, waiting for me as if he’d gotten a call saying I had been released. Something I hadn’t even found out more than an hour ago.

  “Come, Mrs. Saxton. If this isn’t what you want, you can tell him, turn away, and never look back. It’s that simple.”

  My daughter flashed before my eyes. Her smile so big that it nearly took my breath away. My stomach felt twisted in knots and I nodded. “Hold on.” I walked over, shaking the entire time I dismissed the cab. With his departure, I couldn’t help but think I’d signed my own death warrant. Well, that’s exactly what I had done and I wasn’t sure what to think about it.

  I slid into the fancy sports car, turning to stare out the window as he pulled from the circular driveway. The scenery blurred by, all the colors growing brighter the longer I stared. Rain sprinkled over the landscaped park that rested outside of the window, turning the leaves and grass a bright green. Parents struggled to collect their kids, ones who seemed ecstatic to be in the drizzle. A grin came to my face, only to melt away. Soon, Caylee, and then that will be us again.

  The city of Portland disappeared until we were heading more toward Washington and into the mountains. The drive was long, but I barely noticed until the driver spoke.

  “I was told you lost your husband and daughter.”

  I glanced in his direction. “By who? How did you even know I was getting out or who I was?”

  “Master knows everything.”

  “Who calls themselves Master? What exactly is this?”

  A side road came up ahead and he took it, leading us further into elevation and trees. Fear began to creep in as much as it could against my numbed self.

  “This is what you wanted.” He paused. “And you’ll see why he calls himself that soon enough.”

  An opening appeared, revealing a house in the distance, way atop a mountain. The mansion, for some reason, made me want to flee. To run for my life. There was nothing inviting about the dark color, or the gothic feel it gave off. Who even knew this existed way out here in fucking nowhere?

  My hand gripped the door and I swallowed past a sudden spark of anxiety. “Am I going to die right now? When I get there?”

  He looked over, his eyes narrowing the slightest amount. “Do you want to die right now?”

  A part of me did. A big part. But the hesitation was there, too. “I…” the dark iron gate grew closer as we weaved up the road. “Can I do it alone? Inside? He can just make sure I’m gone for good?”

  The driver let out a deep breath, his knuckles turning white, confusing me even more. “It’ll be up to Master on what he decides to let you do. Can I ask you a question, Diane?”

  My eyes flicked to him, but I went back to staring at the gigantic house that was growing bigger by the second. It almost gave off the impression of a living thing. How many people had died under that roof? “Yes,” I said breathlessly.

  “If you could do one good thing before you died, what would it be?”

  I turned to him again, thrown off by his question. Maybe I had expected something more personal, queries about my daughter or husband, but charity? My mind scrambled for an answer. “Truthfully, I have no idea.” Which was horrible. I should have been able to think of something.

  “Maybe you’ll figure it out.”

  The large gate rolled open at our approach and I leaned forward, looking up to the big M that was centered at the top. It had to be over fifteen feet high.

  “Diane.”

  The way he spoke my name had me forgetting all about the tall shrubs blocking off the bottom of the shuttered windows.

  “Yes, Mr. Livingston?”

  “Jaime,” he corrected, pulling in front of the door. “I just want you to know that everything is going to be alright. You might not think so at first, but you coming here is probably the best thing you could have done.”

  I grabbed my bag and swung the door open. Double doors, just as black as the stone the home was made out of, greeted us. As I was led up the steps, I clutched the strap even tighter. There was no reason for fear. If I decided this wasn’t right for me, I’d say so and leave. Then, it’d be back to me taking care of it myself. Alone.

  Jaime turned the knob and walked in. Weight increased against my feet with each step that I took inside the large entrance. My footsteps all but stopped as I spotted a man standing at the top of a loft area, his hands on the rail, staring down at us. To say he was handsome was an understatement. He was one of the most gorgeous men I had ever seen. I expected an older gentleman. One who was, perhaps, close to death himself. Master wasn’t much older than me. His short dark hair was neatly trimmed and there was a slight growth on his face. The dark circles under his all too knowing eyes told me he hadn’t slept very well, if at all.

  “Mrs. Saxton.”

  Just like Jaime, he was a wearing a suit. It both fit the power they expelled, but made me nervous, just the same. As he made his way down the wide, wooden steps, they no longer appeared as grand as they had before. His tall frame was wide at the shoulders, slim at the waist, and he dominated everything he came into contact with. It intrigued me just as much as it scared the hell out of me.

  “You can call me Master. While you’re here, I will call you slave. There’s a reason for this, but before we go into detail, I’d like to go over some things. After I finish, you’ll be able to ask me any questions you may have.”

  Jaime stepped backed, nodded, and turned, heading for the door. My mouth opened as he reached up and punched numbers into the keypad.

  “Wait.” My word was ignored as he opened the front door.

  “You’ll be fine, Diane. Remember what I said.”

  And just like that, he slipped out. Seconds passed while I stared at the entrance, bewildered. A loud click had me jumping. Automatic door locks.

  “Come, let’s take a seat.”

  He began to walk toward an open living area when I turned and headed for the door, trying to turn the handle.

  “It’s locked.” I pulled at it harder. “Why did he lock us in?”

  “Because he knows the routine. Now, come, Diane. We have lots to discuss.”

  My bag fell to the floor as I headed for the keypad. “I changed my mind. I want to leave. This isn’t right. I don’t like it.”

  He stood there, leaned against the arch as I began to punch in random numbers. None of which worked.

  “Please. He said if I wanted to leave, I could. Unlock this.”

  “I will not set you free. Jaime lied to you. You’re not going anywhere. Not until I say.” A gun was pulled from the inside of his jacket and I froze as he lifted his hand, aiming it right at my chest. “Let’s skip all the rules. You want to die. Yes?”

  My back pushed against the wall as he walked sideways to come stand a few feet in front of me. “All you have to do is come kneel before me, slave. Rest at my feet and I’ll take all of your worries away. It’s what you want. To see your daughter and husband again. I can make that happen.” He licked his lips. “So, what are you waiting for?”

  It was true, I had wanted to die, but not like this. Fuzziness took over and for some reason, I took a step. Wait…I had wanted to die like this. Hadn’t I thought maybe if he was the one who pulled the trigger? Another step. The third. Like a zombie, I
walked toward him until I was sinking to his feet.

  Yes. I wanted to go home.

  “Look at me, slave.”

  My head titled back, but I didn’t see a man standing before me, or the barrel of the gun inches from my eyes. All I saw was Caylee. Ronnie. Then, pain, as it blazed across my cheek from his slap.

  “No, you look right here. See your end.” His handprint throbbed against my face. The hammer was pulled back and tears slid down my cheeks. I didn’t want to witness the process, just what happened afterward. Now, I wasn’t being given a choice.

  “Any last words?”

  Words? I couldn’t think, let alone spit out some speech. There was only one thing that came to me in what I knew to be my last moments. “Send me home, please,” I whispered.

  A twitch jerked at the side of his eye and I watched his finger pull back on the trigger slowly. My pulse exploded, thrumming against my chest as it got so far back and then... click, click, click. Nothing. No shot. No blast or agony from a wound.

  “Stupid. Stupid, woman.” The gun went sliding across the floor with his toss and I screamed as his fingers embedded in the back of my hair. “Stand up,” he yelled, ripping me to my feet. “You’re so quick to die. You want to go home?”

  I screamed, grabbing his wrist as he pulled me up the stairs and deeper into the eerie house. My feet kept stumbling, but he continued moving forward, never letting me gather my footing. Had I been able to, I would have been fighting him better. All I managed was clawing my nails into his suit-covered arm.

  “Not even a flinch from you,” he said, giving me a quick shake. The words were ground under his breath as we went down a wooden hallway. No pictures. No decoration. Just dark mahogany flooring and walls.

  A door swung open and I wanted to scream as I was pulled inside. To tear my way past him and hurl myself out of a window if I couldn’t make it out the way I came in. But that was impossible. From what I’d seen as we were driving up, they were sealed shut with metal shutters.

  “Welcome home, Diane.”

  And it couldn’t have been closer to the truth. From the beige carpet, to the bed, to the furnishings, and matching ceiling fan. I groaned at the strange mix of terror and horror. My blood turned cold and I couldn’t breathe.