Sweet Gone South

by Alicia Hunter Pace

  Tiptoe’s eyes twinkled. “And still I’ve learned more standing among mourners in this cemetery than I ever did up north or in a country where they speak another language.”

  Luke had talked one woman down. One more to go. Too bad there was no Tiptoe wisdom to help him out with that.

  Without warning, a bolt of lightning split the sky, followed by a tremendous boom.

  Luke lifted his eyes upward. “I guess I’d better put the top up.”

  “Well, Judge, that depends,” Tiptoe said.

  “On what?”

  “On whether or not you want your fancy car to get wet on the inside.”

  Indeed.

  By the time Luke pulled into the downtown area, the rain was one solid opaque sheet and the Bobcat Booster Fair had been abandoned.

  Lanie wasn’t in the candy kitchen. That was good sign. Maybe she wasn’t mad anymore. Still, he braced himself before opening the door of the apartment.

  “Daddy!” Emma threw her arms around his legs and kissed his knee. That was something to count on — at least for now. Whether he’d been gone fifteen minutes or twelve hours, Emma acted like she hadn’t seen him for weeks.

  He went down on one knee to hug her. “How’s my honeybee?”

  “I’m going to Beau’s.”

  “That’s right. You’re going to stay there tonight while Mommy and I go to the big party.”

  “No.” She shook her head until her curls bounced. “Now.”

  “We’ve talked about this, Emma. It’s tonight. You’re not going now.”

  “Actually, she is.” Lanie entered the room carrying Emma’s bright green frog boots and matching raincoat. “I have to go help at the country club, so I’m taking her early.” Lanie looked tired and sad. She’d changed into an old pair of baggy jeans and shirt that was too big. That didn’t stop him from wanting her.

  “I thought this shindig was put on by the older set.” He rose to meet her eyes.

  “It is. But since they can’t use the patio, they have to reconfigure everything. Miss Annelle asked Lucy to call around for extra help. Missy said to let Emma come and play with Beau.”

  Great. Not only was he going to be robbed of the time when he might have made some headway with Lanie, he’d be completely alone. He considered trying to bribe Emma into staying home this afternoon, but that would be pointless. She would choose the company of Beau Bragg one hundred percent of the time. Already, he’d lost out to a man child who couldn’t even ride a bicycle.

  “Can we talk a minute before you go?” he asked.

  Lanie frowned and looked from Emma to him. “All right.” She nodded and turned the television to the Cartoon Network. “Emma, look. Cartoons.”

  She led him into the kitchen, leaned on the counter, and crossed her arms across her chest. Still mad, then.

  “Are you still mad at me?”

  Lanie half closed her eyes. “Luke, I don’t know if mad is precisely the right word.”

  “It feels like the right word to me.” He bit his lip and smiled at her.

  Her hand shot up. “Don’t do that.”

  “Do what?”

  “Try to melt me that sweet charming look. I’m not up for it right now. It’s not like you invented it for me, anyway.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, and that was almost true.

  “Yes, you do.”

  “When are you going to be done being mad at me?”

  She sighed. “I said I wasn’t mad.”

  She had not said that but he didn’t call her on it. It wasn’t the time. He took a step toward her. “Lanie, let’s work this out.”

  “You’re acting like we quarreled over whether to have fish or steak for dinner. This is complicated.”

  “Explain it to me. I can understand it. I’m very smart. I have the papers to prove it.”

  She hesitated. “This isn’t really your fault.”

  “That’s a relief. Tell me whose fault it is and I’ll have him thrown in jail. I can do that. I’m very powerful.”

  She didn’t laugh. “Yes you are.” The words came out like a breathless sigh. “And right now, I feel very powerless.”

  Tears gathered in her eyes and his heart crashed to the floor. “Here.” He made to take her in his arms but she stopped him.

  “Don’t. If you touch me, I’ll say whatever it takes to make myself believe none of this matters and I can’t do that.”

  “All right.” He pulled out a kitchen chair and barely placed his hand on her elbow. “At least sit down. You look exhausted.” She let him guide her into the chair and he sat down next to her.

  He knew what he had to say. “Lanie, I’m sorry for what happened at the fair. I was married to Carrie for a long time. It takes time. Still, I know I embarrassed you and I would do anything to take that back. But no matter what you think, I do want this family. Let’s set a date. Right now.” He rose and took down the calendar that hung by the telephone. He could do it.

  “No,” she said.

  He stopped cold. “No? I thought that’s what you wanted.”

  “It isn’t good enough to get my way. You have to want it too. You don’t. You’re surrendering.”

  He didn’t even know what that meant, so it couldn’t be true. “I am not.”

  She looked at the table and traced some invisible design that she saw there. “As I said, this isn’t your fault. You’re doing what you promised. At first, I didn’t know what a quiet and settled love meant, but I do now. It means a love of surrender, which is no love at all. At least it’s not love, the way I love you.” She finally brought her wide green eyes to meet his.

  He opened his mouth to speak but she waved him silent. It was just as well.

  “I thought I was safe from the kind of love that I feel for you because love and sex are tied together. Since I thought I couldn’t have a normal sex life, I guess I thought I couldn’t really be in love.”

  What? “I don’t know what you’re talking about. What do mean not have a normal sex life?”

  “You see, Alexander was my first and the sex was never good for me, never right. Not like with you. I knew it wasn’t right but since he never complained, I thought it didn’t matter. Then when he broke up with me, he said he needed someone responsive, someone normal. Apparently, I was so inept that by the time he told me all this, he’d already replaced me. I guess she was more responsive. I decided I must be abnormal. Hopeless.”

  “And that happened the same day you lost your baby?” A slow, angry burn started in his gut. She’d already told him most of this but it seemed so much worse now.

  She nodded. “The one thing I had always known for sure was that I wanted children and the doctor said that couldn’t happen. I didn’t want to be a teacher anymore. So I left school to look for something else.”

  “That’s why you spent all that time taking classes and trying to learn crafts?” All this swirled around in his head like a giant disjointed jigsaw puzzle. Slowly, the pieces began to drift together to make a picture. “I’m still not clear on something. You thought you couldn’t have a normal sex life? Until us? What about — ” The words only fully registered as he spoke them and he stopped himself.

  But she understood the question hanging in the air. “I never slept with anyone after Alexander. Until you. What would have been the point?”

  The burn became rage. “So this bastard, this Alexander, was a selfish asshole in bed and made you think it was your fault? I will find him and kill him, if someone hasn’t already beaten me to it. What’s his last name? Where is he?”

  “You will not. They don’t let judges kill people and keep being judges.”

  She had a point. But more importantly, they didn’t let judges kill people and get to be with Lanie Heaven.
But if he couldn’t kill for her, he wanted to say something to make her smile, to please her.

  “But you’re wonderful in bed. You know that, don’t you?” Generous, eager, and fun. He should tell her that too, but the words stuck in his throat.

  “So you say,” she said wearily and wiped her eyes.

  He knelt before her and took her hands. “Lanie, I do love you.”

  “I’m sure you do. You feel love for many people.”

  “Not that many.” And not this way. Why couldn’t he say that? Was it because he didn’t want to hurt Carrie or because he wasn’t sure? None of that was rational. Carrie couldn’t be hurt and he’d always known his own mind.

  “Even so. What you feel for me is not what you should feel for a wife.”

  Then what was he supposed to feel? It might not be the same way he’d felt about Carrie, but it was special and true on its own. One thing for sure, he’d be mad as hell if another man felt this for Lanie. He opened his mouth to say that. The words would not come. Somewhere Carrie was celebrating. Or was she? Or was that an excuse? Still, he couldn’t find the words.

  Lanie wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “I thought that if I would do what you wanted — paint my floor, wear the right clothes, drive the car you picked out — that it would all work out, that I could become who you wanted me to be.”

  He was astounded. He’d just been trying to make things better. “I wasn’t trying to change you — ”

  “Sure you were,” she cut him off. “And I was trying to change you too — into the man who could love me the way I want to be loved.”

  How could he claim to be that man when he wasn’t sure what she wanted? “I don’t know what to say.”

  “There’s nothing to say. You’ve done nothing wrong. We had a deal and you’ve kept to it.”

  “Are you asking — ?”

  “I’m not asking for anything.”

  “It seems like you want me to say I don’t love Carrie anymore.”

  “No. That’s not what I want. I just wish you could love me a little too.”

  A little? She wanted him to love her a little? That wasn’t possible. He already loved her so much more than a lot. But was it enough? Was it what she wanted? What was it Tiptoe had said? “Sometimes all it takes is the right person saying the right thing. That’s not so hard, especially if it’s true anyway.” That might be so, but didn’t it also have to be the right time? This wasn’t it. She would never believe him.

  “But that’s not what you signed up for.” She closed her eyes. “If I were a better mother, if I could overcome my selfishness, I’d leave now before Emma gets any older. That would be best for her.”

  “No!” Not going to happen. Absolutely not.

  “This was a huge mistake. In time, you would have been ready to love again. Emma could have grown up in a home with a healthy marriage — where her daddy didn’t think of his love as dead and buried.”

  Back to that. Well, he couldn’t address that. He was too shaky on the fine points. He needed to sort it out, not to mention wait until she wasn’t mad. Maybe buy a piece of jewelry and some flowers when he told her. Yes. That would be the thing to do. But there was a subject he could discuss with certainty and right now.

  “No one else could love Emma the way you do. Leaving wouldn’t be in her best interest.” Or mine.

  “Wouldn’t it? Well, it doesn’t matter. I can’t leave her. And there are other complications. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

  Relief shot through him. She wasn’t going to leave. It didn’t even matter that it was Emma, not him, she couldn’t leave. It was the same thing and it would buy him time. Everything would be fine. No matter what these other complications were — and that was not a can of worms he was going to open, not today — he was grateful for them. By tomorrow, he would have thought of a way to set all this right and they could go back to normal.

  “But I do know this,” Lanie said, “until I work this out, I’m moving back across the hall.”

  Cold washed over him. “What do you mean?” he asked slowly.

  “Don’t worry. I’ll still take care of Emma like I’ve been doing. But I’m not going to sleep with you anymore.”

  Full-throttle panic shot through him. “No. Absolutely not. Not going to happen. I can’t let you leave my bed. I can’t stand it.”

  “Well, I guess we’re both running into some things we can’t stand today. We’ll see how that works out for everybody.” She lifted her chin in a way that let him know in no uncertain terms that she had gone from mad to furious. Better not to push it. But he had to work fast.

  He reached out and fingered the sapphire necklace that she’d worn constantly since Mother’s Day. “Do you want some earrings to match this? Or maybe another necklace? A diamond or an emerald?”

  She said nothing but shook her head and gave him a bewildered look that clearly said What the hell are you talking about?

  Her cell phone rang and she reached for it. “Are you? All right. Yes. I’m coming right now.” She turned to him. “That was Missy. She and Lucy were having their hair done but they’re finished. I’m going to meet them. Tolly’s already there.”

  She didn’t give him time to answer but picked up the frog boots and raincoat again and headed into the living room. She knelt down to dress Emma for the flood. “There’s some homemade pimento cheese in the refrigerator,” she said. “And I got some of that good bread with the seeds that you like. Here, Emma. Lift your foot. No. Other foot.” She paused to look up at him. “If you don’t want that, there’s some grilled chicken from last night.”

  How could she stand there and talk about pimento cheese and chicken when she planned to leave him alone in his bed at the mercy of the spiked boot?

  “There! All ready.” Lanie pulled Emma’s hood up and reached for her umbrella and Emma’s backpack. “Kiss daddy goodbye.”

  “I’ll help you down with everything.” He took Emma’s hand and reached for the backpack.

  When Luke opened the back door, it had stopped raining.

  “Maybe you don’t have to go now,” he said hopefully.

  “No.” Lanie looked at the sky and pointed. “This isn’t much of a reprieve. It’s going to rain all night.” True enough. Black clouds rolled across the sky, making it look like a lava lamp in motion.

  After buckling Emma in her car seat, Luke rounded the vehicle and just as Lanie was about to close the door he put his foot on the running board. She looked at his foot and bit her lip, impatient to leave. Distant thunder boomed and his stomach clinched. He wanted to stop Lanie from heading out into the storm, like he should have stopped Carrie, but that wasn’t rational. Besides, he knew there was no chance that she would let him drive them. She clearly didn’t want his company right now.

  “Are you coming back?” he asked. “To dress for the ball?” At this point, he wasn’t sure if he was going to be allowed to go.

  “Yes. I’m getting my hair done at four. I’ll be home after that.”

  “Okay. See you then.” He bent and barely brushed his lips against hers. No arms around his neck, no cheek pressed against his, certainly no sparkly kiss — none of the things he’d taken for granted yesterday.

  She didn’t wave as she drove away. Though he hadn’t been conscious of it before now, she’d always waved when they parted, even if she was just leaving the room. He missed that wave. He let his eyes drift to the sky. How far could he run before the bottom dropped out again? Probably not far enough.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Luke had run through downtown, around the historical residential district, and was about to circle back when a city police car pulled up beside him. Christ Almighty, what now? It was Police Chief Rayford Stumps, probably wanting to pass the time of day, which Luke was in no mood for. It wouldn’t be a
nything official. If Rayford needed a warrant, he’d contact a city judge.

  “Judge Avery,” Rayford said through his open window.

  “Rayford.” Luke bent over and rested his hands on his knees, winded. There was a time when he’d been able to run a 5K like it was a walk across the room but he wasn’t so sure about the Memorial Day race. There was no chance he’d win and now he was worried about even finishing. He hadn’t cared much before, but now the thought of failing in front of Lanie was inconceivable — provided she was even there to witness it. Rayford Stumps was talking but he couldn’t quite key into it.

  “Uh huh,” he said.

  Was Lanie really going to leave his bed? Maybe he could turn it around tonight at the ball. Hadn’t Lanie said Emma was to spend the night at the Braggs’? Yes. Something about no point in moving her. They’d pick her up the next morning. Perfect. He would go Reed’s Jewelry and buy Lanie something. Yes. Pearls to get married in. He’d give them to her right before they left for the dance. He would apologize again. They’d dance and have a few drinks. He could make her laugh. And before the night was over —

  “Judge!” Rayford raised his voice. “Are you listening to me?”

  “Sorry. Sorry, Rayford. What were you saying?”

  “About the automobile accident.”

  Oh, no. Not now. Everyone on the planet, at one time or the other, wanted to talk about Carrie and Jake’s wreck. Not now, Rayford. Preferably never, but not now!

  “I don’t know how bad yet,” Rayford was saying.

  Then it hit him — not Carrie. Lanie, but just like Carrie. All the air left his body and his ears began to ring.

  “Where is she? Is she — ?”

  “She’s hurt,” Rayford said quickly.

  Hurt. Hurt didn’t have to be a devastating word. The sky opened up but he stood silently, letting the rain soak him.

  “Get in,” Rayford said. “I’ll take you to the hospital.”