Illicit Desires (Illicit #1)

by Rose B Mashal

  I had hurt her enough already. I could see how much she was trying to act as if nothing had happened, but it was too much for her. I knew that. What happened was a crime that I had committed against my sister, the one I loved the most, and it left a scar that I didn't know it would ever heal.

  Lily was trying her hardest to not do anything that might set me off. She was too strong; she didn't curl into a ball and block the entire world from her mind – no, she was fighting it, and she was trying to heal me.

  We talked a lot about how I felt towards her, and she tried to figure out why I felt that way. She asked me lots of questions and I tried my best to tell her the truth. She didn't cut me out of her life as I thought she would. She said that she loved me and she couldn't bear a life without me, and she knew that I loved her too.

  So she was working on making our relationship go back to normal, the normal where I didn’t lust after her – because it wasn't right. She said that she'd give me a chance, and that she had to see me trying. If not, I would lose her forever.

  I didn't want that.

  Yeah, I felt guilty and all that shit, because what I did was wrong, I knew that, but the look on my sister's face when she told me not to touch her… God! It will be buried in my mind forever.

  I didn't want to ever see her that way again: frightened and so broken. And knowing that I did that myself… I couldn't even tell you how much it hurt. I thought that I had lost her. It was a horrible feeling, you have no idea, and I'd never risk that again. Ever!

  Lily had avoided being alone in the same room with me since that day, but with time she became okay with it as long as the door stayed open. For sure my room was a big No. No. She had never stepped a foot inside it since … that day. And she was also avoiding making any contact with me, as in touching, not even a handshake – not like we ever used to do the handshaking thing, of course.

  With all the guilt and the fear of losing her, still – nothing worked. I was still lusting after her… A lot. It was like I was cursed with some kind of spell. I couldn't fucking get her out of my mind! What I did was horrible, and I regretted it. Again, the guilt was killing me from the inside out, blah blah blah. But… I. Couldn't. Fucking. Help. It!

  It was like her body was singing to me, calling my name, begging for me to worship it the way it should be worshipped. The way I wanted it to be worshipped.

  My sister, my everything.

  But was I going to do anything about it? Absolutely not! I was just going to fucking do whatever she wanted me to do, and maybe someday it would fucking work.

  "What do you mea— Oh!" she said as realization hit her.

  "Yeah …"

  "Okay, uh, I'll wear something else," she said simply, looking away from me.

  "Thanks," I said with a small smile.

  As I was leaving her room, she called out to me and I turned to face her. "Is there is something else about my clothes that makes you … um, uncomfortable?" she asked.

  Fuck! That's embarrassing!

  I lowered my head, embarrassed and not knowing what to say.

  "It's okay, Adrian, you can tell me," she assured me.

  How about absolutely every fucking thing you wear? I couldn't tell her that, even if it was the truth. Everything she wore drove me crazy, but, yeah, there were some things she wore that drove me even crazier!

  "Uh, short and um, tight things," I said, gazing at her to see what her reaction would be. Her face was blank; as a matter of fact, she seemed like she was in deep thought, like she was studying what I was saying.

  She's actually considering me as a studying subject or project? You know what? Whatever! She wasn't mad and that was the only thing that mattered.

  "Hmm… So, short and tight clothes. Okay, got it! Anything else?"

  "Uh, yeah." I moved a hand through my hair and looked down again.

  "It's okay, you can tell me."

  "Uh… V-neck blouses, skirts, boots, tiny shorts, tight jeans, high heels, strapless dresses, strapless tanks, long see-through stockings, bo—"

  "Oh, my God, Adrian! That's pretty much everything!"

  "I know. I'm sorry."

  She huffed.

  "Just, please, try to stay away from white, God! Anything but whites! Please." White always made her look so innocent and pure, just so fucking desirable … my weakness.

  Actually, everything about her is my weakness.

  "Okay, okay. No more whites!"

  "Thanks, Lily. I really appreciate it." I offered her a small smile, and she just nodded, pressing her lips together to make a thin line.

  After that day, Lily dressed as modestly as she could. She really was trying so hard, and I didn't know what I would have done if she hadn't been so understanding.

  Not like her modesty was helping me at all – it just made me suffer less.

  We were sitting outside of the school building, Ian, Elliot and I, smoking cigarettes and talking about whatever as we waited for Sean to join us.

  Ian was giving Elliot the 'Ten Commandments' about what to do and what not to do on your first date. Elliot had been head over heels about Sandra since – well, forever. But he said that he didn't want to ruin their friendship by involving romantic shit, or whatever.

  So he had been waiting since forever to be sure of his feelings for her before they moved on to the next level, because he didn't want to hurt her.

  "When you feel that she's wet enough, you stick two fingers inside and feel for the really soft skin there," Ian said. I guess they'd passed the 'first date' advice now. Or maybe that was what Ian did on first dates – you never know!

  "That's her G-spot," he continued. "You bend up your fingers and make a 'come here' motion." We both looked at his fingers as he made the motion to show Elliot exactly how to do it. "Trust me, she'll come right there." He winked.

  I rolled my eyes at him, and at Elliot too for the matter. He was listening to Ian with everything in him, a gaping mouth like Ian was teaching him Survival 101.

  "You'd better shut up now, her brother is coming. Something is telling me that he won't be happy to hear you talking like that about his sister," Elliot said.

  "You bet your ass, he wouldn't," I commented.

  "What's up, douche bags?" Sean greeted us.

  "Nothing much," I started. "Ian here was telling Elliot what he should be doing on the first date," I said as I handed him a cigarette.

  His hand froze for a second at the sound of my words, then he put the cigarette behind his ear and folded his arms in front of his chest. "Is that so?" he asked, looking at Ian, who'd turned yellow the second I'd spoken.

  God! How much I love to fuck with Ian … maybe a little more than I love him.

  Ian just nodded, trying his hardest not to show how frightened he was that Sean might just punch his nut sack.

  "Interesting. Let me hear it," Sean said.

  Ian's eyes almost bugged out of his skull right then and there, and I failed to hide my snickers.

  "Uh, it's nothing you don't already know," Ian said, trying to end the discussion.

  "Yeah, it's not like I'll ever have a first date again since I already found The One and all, but still – let me hear it." Sean was fucking with him, I loved that!

  "I was just telling him to take her to a nice place."

  "Hmm, what else?" I lit his cigarette for him as he motioned for me to do so.

  "I don't think you want to hear it," Ian spat, getting annoyed by how scared he was of Sean's reaction.

  Ian never took shit from anyone. He was just worried about Sean's reaction, though it wasn't like he couldn't defend himself if they started getting into a punching contest. He just didn't want to upset his friend, knowing that Sean was so overprotective of his little sister. Well, who isn't?

  "I do. Just go on and tell him."

  "You know what? I will!" Ian dared him. I wonder if he'll tell him any other techniques about how to go down on his girl, right in front of her brother. That'd be fun.

  "Look
, Elliot," Ian started. "When you are talking to a girl and she does this 'moving a lock of her hair behind her ear' thing, that means she's silently begging you to kiss her."

  "Really?" Elliot asked.

  "Yeah, trust me. Especially when she's all smiling and looking at you like the sun just rose up from your ass or some shit like that." He was using the sweet stuff in front of Sean. What a rabbit!

  "Can I cop a feel to—" Before Elliot could finish his question, Sean slapped him right on the back of his head. "That's my sister you're talking about, motherfucker!" Sean roared.

  "You, asshole, have been sucking my sister's face right in front of me for two very long years, and I acted all noble with you and said nothing about it, sisterfucker!" Elliot roared back.

  I flinched at the curse Elliot just said but hid it with a laugh.

  "Guys, guys, calm down." Ian stepped in between them.

  Sean narrowed his eyes at me. "What are you laughing at, dick?"

  "Nothing, I'm outta here," I said as I threw my cigarette and stepped on it. The bell rang just then, and all the fun was over.

  The days passed dully and uneventfully – I hated my life so much. I did nothing aside from going to school and playing football. I studied every now and then, hung out with my boys, or with the whole gang, but life was stupid.

  There was nothing new to do, nothing to look forward to. Nothing to make me get out of my bed every morning.

  Speaking about getting out of my bed, I needed to take a piss! How much I wished I could hold it for the morning. I was too lazy to get up, but I didn't want to ruin my only kidney.

  I sighed as I got out of my bed, rubbed the sleepiness out of my eyes, then went to the bathroom.

  As I was washing my hands, I heard something coming out of Lily's room … Moaning?

  My first thought was that she was in pain, or something was wrong with her, and I freaked out! I moved quickly to turn the knob on her bathroom door, to see what was wrong with her and help her, but as I got closer to the door, the moans got a little bit louder.

  And it wasn't moans of pain! Fuck! Was she … touching herself? The thought—of course—made me hard on the spot.

  I froze, my hand on the doorknob and my ear pressed to the door, panting as I felt like I was going to cum right then and there. Images from "the time that shall not be spoken about" flashed to my mind—her on my bed, legs separated, with me between them. Her moans that had filled my ears sounded just like the moans I was hearing right then.

  "Oh! … Ahh!"

  God! The sounds she was making made me feel like I was floating. I couldn't think of any better sound than her moans. Not until I heard what came next.

  "Oh, please, Adrian, don't stop, I'm gonna come!"

  Fuck. Me.

  Adrian actually loved me, just like I loved him more than anything in the whole world if not more. But – he was lusting after me, and I didn't know if I could live with that, I didn't even know how to deal with it.

  As the days had passed, I became more accepting of what had happened, deciding to move on. Humans were gifted with the bliss of forgetting, and I was trying to forget.

  Of course it wasn't like I could block it out and wake up for a new day, remembering nothing about it. I still remembered everything like it had just happened yesterday, even if it was two months ago or a little longer.

  It just didn't hurt as badly as it had done at first.

  Maybe it was the fact that time had healed that wound, or, maybe it was the fact that my brother had told me his reasons. I had thought he just got the idea momentarily and decided to act on it, while not caring about my feelings and how it would hurt me, or not caring about my state of unconsciousness, but no… It wasn't like that at all.

  He said that it had been long years of him suffering because of the fact that he couldn't – um, resist my body. I didn't know why he felt that way. I was as disgusted as I’d been the first time it happened, but the way he explained things, the way he apologized and asked for my forgiveness, made things less painful for me.

  Maybe he loved me so much and his love knew no limits? Yeah, I liked to think of it that way. Less painful, remember?

  Waking up with a start; I felt like I had too much energy, like I was ready to run a marathon. I looked at myself in the mirror, turned around and looked at my reflection over my shoulder, and then I went into the bathroom to take my shower.

  I locked Adrian's door, though I left my door open; my room's main door was locked anyway, so it should be okay. I suffered while choosing something to wear; Adrian had told me yesterday about the things he, er, didn't like to see on me. Or for a better description – he liked to see on me more than he should.

  I dressed in blue jeans and a modest pink sweater. If that wasn’t good enough, he would just have to live with it.

  "Lily! You look so lovely today." Julia greeted me with a kiss on the cheek.

  I blushed. "Thanks."

  "I second that, L, you look so pretty!" Sandra kissed me, too.

  "Thanks, Sandy. I do feel pretty," I smiled. I did feel pretty, but I didn't know why. Something inside me was happy, but about what? I didn't know. But, did I care? Nope! I was finally happy for the first time in a long time, and that was all that mattered;.

  "Well, you are," Emma said.

  Whatever! I almost rolled my eyes at her. "So, tonight is the night?" I asked Sandra, trying to ignore Emma. I didn't like her. End of story.

  "Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh Em Gee! I still can't believe it!" Sandra squealed.

  "I'm so happy for you, Sandy. Elliot will take good care of you," I assured her.

  "I know he will." She blushed.

  "I can't believe it, myself. They are actually going to give us some peace of mind, finally!" Julia sighed.

  "Yeah! Finally we will stop hearing the 'we are just friends, I don't wanna lose him if things don't work out, we will never be a couple'' bullshit. Because all this time we've known that they'll start dating sooner or later." Emma had to put herself in the conversation. Of course.

  "Oh my God! Do you guys think he'll kiss me?" Sandra gasped with a blush and excitement mixed with hope.

  "Sure he will," I assured her. It was what she wanted to hear, and, it was what actually happened on first dates … or so I’d been told. I sighed at the unlikelihood of my parents ever allowing me to have a boyfriend.

  "You should totally skip shaving your legs today," Julia said.

  "What?" we all demanded in unison.

  "It's the only thing that will prevent you from having sex with him on your first date. And trust me, that's a big no-no."

  "Julia Brown! You really think I'd give Elliot my flower on our first date?" Sandra put her hands on her hips.

  "Sandy, darling, if you don't stop calling it 'your flower' no one is going to take it, okay? Not Elliot and not anyone else.

  "And, yes, I do think that you might do just that on your first date. The sexual tension between the two of you has been building since the first day you met two years ago."

  "You're mean! I wouldn't do that, no matter how good he treats me on our date, or how good his kisses feel," Sandra pouted.

  "Yes, you will. Trust me, I know things." Julia stuck her tongue out at Sandra, and Sandra did the same.

  "C'mon, change the subject now. I don't like to think about my brother's sex life. It is just… Eww!" Julia faked a gagging sound.

  A wave of sadness hit me as we kept walking lazily in the hall, making our way to our classes. I stopped walking. Thoughts and memories flashed in my mind.

  What Julia just said…

  God!

  I… Sometimes, I… No, I can't think about that… I just can't.

  "Hey. Are you okay?" Sandra asked.

  "Yeah, I'm fine."

  "Do you need to sit down or something, Lily?" Julia asked, concern obvious in her voice. All of them worried about me too much; they just didn't get the part where I said I'm fine. It was always like that.

  "No, it's
okay."

  "Hey, girls, what's going on?" Sean popped up out of nowhere.

  "I think Lily is feeling dizzy or something," Sandra said.

  "I'm really fine."

  "She's not. Her face is so pale."

  "So are her lips."

  "And her legs are shaking a little, too."

  "Would you please stop talking about me like I'm not here?" I whined.

  "Should we get her to the nurse's office or something?"

  "Guys, I'm fine!"

  "She always feels dizzy like that, but she's too stubborn to even tell!"

  "I'm right here!"

  "You don't look okay, you shouldn't walk," Sean said, and before I knew it, he was carrying me on his back like some sort of big rice sack.

  "Put me down, Sean!" I protested.

  "Shut up!" Julia spanked me on my backside. So I did as I was told and shut up as Sean carried me on his back to the classroom.

  Lunch was kind of quiet – well, for me, I didn't talk much. The boys were out for a smoke and they took so long, I didn't see Adrian at all. We shared all of the same classes, but he was sitting behind me today, so I hardly saw him. Hardly talked to him. He only asked me if I was okay since – of course – Sean had told him I wasn't okay.

  I hated when I didn't see him… I missed him a lot.

  By the end of the day of classes, I was really exhausted. Adrian was silent as we made our way to our cars. He didn't talk to me at all while we were in school… Not a word. Nothing.

  I sighed as he stood there in the parking lot, hands in his front pockets, until he was sure I got in my car and started the engine, then he went to his own car.

  When we made it home, he went straight to his room, ignoring Mom. Even if it was hard for me to do so, I followed him to his room, just telling my mom our day was fine when she asked from the kitchen.

  I tried blocking the memories out, and it worked. I only saw my brother, and I focused on figuring out why he looked upset. That was all that mattered.

  "What's wrong?" I asked, folding my arms in front of my chest. He looked surprised to see me in his room, but I ignored it, and he did too. He shook his head. "Nothing."