Never Let Go

by Deborah Smith

  “Sara and I have cooperated with you all these months. Don’t we deserve a favor?”

  He clucked reproachfully. “You were forced to cooperate, remember?”

  “But we could have made your mission much more difficult.”

  Valdivia sighed and leaned back in his chair. “I fear it’s time to destroy your illusions, querida. I won’t honor my bargain with you and Sara.”

  This was the moment Dinah had feared for ten months. Still, she was stunned. “All this time you let us think—”

  “That I was honorable, yes. I am, but at a price. I’ll make you one offer, a very good one, actually.” He smiled. “An offer you can’t refuse. Ah! I loved Señor Brando in that movie!”

  His smile faded and he leaned forward. “The two agents must die. There’s no other way. But they’ll die painlessly, I promise you. Your husband and Sara can leave. I guarantee their safe trip back to the States.” He paused. “You and Catalina must stay with me permanently.”

  Dinah gripped the table edge and fought the urge to sling one of the heavy candelabra at him. “And I’ll be your mistress?”

  “Yes.”

  It was sick, ludicrous, like a scene from an old movie. Polly Purebred And El Diablo, Dinah thought with a tinge of giddy hysteria. All Valdivia needed was a cape and a mustache to twirl.

  “You can’t be serious,” she said.

  “Do you want to watch your husband die?” He studied her face for a moment. “Obviously not. Good. I’ve been patient with you too long. I haven’t had a woman since you arrived here. A noble sacrifice on my part, I’m sure you agree.”

  She rose slowly and walked to a window. The sun was sinking in brilliant golds and purples, casting magical light into the gardens below. Evening breezes brought her the poignant scents of flowers. She absorbed the nuances of the scene in a desperate attempt to fill the aching emptiness inside her chest.

  If she submitted, Rucker would go home. She and Katie might eventually escape. If she didn’t submit, Rucker would die.

  She heard Diego rise and cross the room. He stopped beside her. “An answer, if you please.”

  Dinah turned toward him, inclined her head, and spoke bitterly. “I despise you. But I’ll do what you want.”

  “Bueno. You’ll spend the day with me tomorrow. Even with revolution brewing in Surador, the holiday will be glorious. Music, dancing, drinking—a daylong fiesta for everyone on the plantation. Now smile.”

  The fiesta. Dinah bit her lower lip to keep her face neutral as a dangerous idea began to take shape. Finally, she forced a thin semblance of a smile.

  Valdivia spread his hands wide and laughed. “Am I not a gracious man?”

  Rucker’s gaze burned into her the moment she stepped into his room. He leaned against the wall near a window, away from the light of a small lamp beside his cot. He crossed his arms over his chest and remained immobile, a taunting and enigmatic force in the shadows.

  As she had done during her first visit, Dinah nodded to the basket in her arms. But this time she said, “I told you that I’d bring Katie.”

  That reminder galvanized him. He came to her and held out his arms for the basket. Dinah looked up into his face and began memorizing every well-loved feature of it. Her throat knotted with grief.

  She would never see him again after tomorrow. And if her plan worked, Katie would go with him, along with Sara, Jeopard, and Drake.

  Dinah’s arms seemed disconnected from her body. Finally she regained her concentration and handed the basket to him. She was glad that he was studying Katie.

  His eyes were so beautiful, she thought as she watched his gaze soften. Katie’s eyes had the same shade of green in them, but they held tinges of blue as well.

  “Isn’t she the most gorgeous baby you’ve ever seen?” Dinah whispered.

  “Yes.” Rucker went to his cot and sat down. Dinah walked to a chair by the window and lowered herself wearily. Everything she loved was about to be ripped away from her.

  Seated in the shadows, she watched Rucker set the basket on the floor and lift Katie from it. The baby wore an embroidered pink top and diapers. He held her up and scrutinized her from head to toe.

  “She came with all the correct parts,” Dinah teased hoarsely.

  “She’s perfect.”

  Bittersweet happiness seeped into Dinah’s despair. Katie and Rucker were going to be safe. It was more than she’d thought possible, and all she could hope for. No, not all—she prayed that Rucker would believe the truth when Sara finally had a chance to explain it to him.

  “Does she talk yet?” he wanted to know.

  “She’s the child of a brilliant mother—of course she talks. Yesterday I caught her reciting the Gettysburg Address.” Dinah smiled and shook her head when he shot a frown her way. “She’s only three months old. She just makes noises.”

  As if on cue, Katie emitted a gurgling squawk. Rucker’s eyes widened. “What was that, sweetpea? Lord, you sound like that cat in Bloom County. Yeah. Bill the Cat. Ack.”

  Dinah warmed to the light-hearted mood Katie inspired. “Sometimes she does impressions. Brrrrr, like the big cicadas in the hacienda’s garden. She tries to copy sounds.”

  He placed Katie on his knee and bounced her gently. Dinah suddenly noticed that he still wore his fatigue pants and khaki T-shirt. “Was something wrong with the clothes I brought you?”

  “Yeah. I didn’t want to look like a calypso singer.” He paused. “White pedal pushers ain’t the right pants for me. I like my pants to reach my ankles.”

  “They’re not pedal pushers. Most of the men around here wear them.”

  “Valdivia’s serfs wear them, you mean. No, thanks.”

  “Have I told you lately that you have more pride than a frog has tongue?”

  “I taught you that sayin’. Don’t use it against me.” Katie waved her hands merrily and gurgled at him. “She’s droolin’.”

  “Babies do that.”

  He peered at his daughter comically. “Did you inherit that from me? Well, little lady, I only drool when somebody offers me good barbecue. Now cut it out.” He gently wiped her chin with the back of his index finger.

  Dinah took a deep breath. Trying to keep her voice casual, she remarked, “She doesn’t cry very often, and when she does she usually just needs to be fed or changed. She’s accustomed to breast milk, but it won’t be difficult to switch to a bottle.”

  It was important that he get this information. “She likes bright colors. And she likes to be talked to.”

  Fumbling, ignoring the curious look he was giving her, she went on. “Little girls should be encouraged to try the same things little boys try, don’t you think? I mean, if Katie wants to play Little League baseball, I’d encourage her. Wouldn’t you? And if she likes trains better than dolls, then you should—”

  “Whoa,” he interjected, his eyes fierce. “Why are you tellin’ me this?”

  Dinah was thankful for the shadows that hid her torment. “Well, if anything should happen to me, Katie would live with you.”

  He was suddenly very still. “What could happen to you?”

  Dinah hugged her stomach as if in physical pain but made a pretense of speaking casually. “My goodness, Rucker, nothing. But if something did—”

  “Like prison, when you finally get caught.” His tone was icy.

  She nodded. “Yes.”

  The tension was broken by Katie’s soft, mewling cries. Dinah rose and went to Rucker’s side. “Listen carefully,” she told him. “That’s a ‘feed me’ sound. If left ignored, it gets worse in a few minutes. Much worse.”

  “You don’t have to leave, do you?”

  Dinah stared down at him and caught the barely concealed regret in his eyes. Her legs went rubbery and she lowered herself beside him on the cot. “No. Not if you don’t mind watching while I feed her.”

  His expression became a mask of controlled emotion. “I don’t mind.”

  Dinah turned to face him, her back
to the annoying camera on the wall. She unbuttoned the pearl gray blouse she wore with matching silk slacks. Her cheeks warmed a little as she unfastened one cup of her nursing bra. “Ugliest piece of underwear ever made,” she muttered, lowering the material.

  “Uh-huh,” he agreed in a vague tone.

  Dinah glanced up and found his eyes riveted to her exposed breast. She looked back down. The stiff bra support made it jut forward strangely. The nipple was a dark peak against a pale background laced with blue veins.

  “It’s not the most attractive sight at the moment,” she said awkwardly. “In this contraption.” When he continued to gaze at her with troubled eyes, she ventured, “What are you thinking?”

  Resignation clouded his eyes, and his shoulders slumped a little. “Nothing about your body is ugly to me. I wish I didn’t still feel that way about it, but I do.”

  “Oh, Rucker …”

  “I was thinking about all the years we had together as lovers. And all the years we’ll never have.”

  She dug her fingernails into her palms to keep from reaching for him.

  “We were great together, Dee. I don’t think you can deny that.”

  Was it possible to die inside and not show evidence of it? “I won’t try to deny it. We’re still great together.”

  He held up one hand, warning her to stop. “There’s no point in puttin’ on a show anymore. After you left me at Anna’s I knew we were finished.”

  Dinah struggled for control. She didn’t want to ruin their last night together with a useless effort to prove her sincerity.

  “Rucker? If Katie turns out to be pretty—or beautiful—I hope she won’t enter any beauty pageants.”

  He looked at her quizzically. “Why? I thought you enjoyed them.”

  “I did. But I also missed a lot of fun because I was always dieting and exercising and worrying about the next competition. Don’t let Katie miss the fun of growing up.”

  “Why do you keep talkin’ as if you weren’t gonna be around? There’s not any guarantee that I’ll get out of South America alive, much less take Katie away from you.”

  Dinah’s throat convulsed for a moment. She swallowed hard. “Valdivia is letting you go home. After the holiday.”

  Rucker’s astonishment kept him speechless for a moment. Then, in a subdued tone, he asked, “But not Jeopard and Drake?”

  “That’s still undecided.” She couldn’t destroy the fragile mood by telling him what fate Valdivia intended for his companions. Besides, Jeopard and Drake would be free by tomorrow too, if her plan worked.

  “Why just me?”

  Because I bartered myself for your safety. Dinah searched for an acceptable answer, and felt the hair on the back of her neck rise with caution. The camera would pick up every word. “Because you don’t know enough to do Valdivia any harm—which is exactly why I refused to tell you very much back in the States. And because he’s protected here. You’re an annoyance, not a threat. He has friends in the Suradoran government who would never allow him to be extradited just because you made charges against him.”

  “What if there’s a revolution and he loses his friends?”

  “He’ll have plenty of time to get out.”

  “And you? Will you go with him?”

  Dinah felt as if Valdivia’s hands were crawling up her back. Goose bumps broke out on her arms. “Of course.”

  “I thought your project was finished. That you were gonna leave him.”

  Dinah suppressed a bitter smile. “Plans change.”

  Rucker’s gaze seethed with disgust. “What is it? Loyalty? Some sort of ideals you have to follow? Money?”

  If they didn’t change the subject, she would break into violent shivers. “All of the above,” she lied. A full-fledged cry of hunger rose from Katie’s mouth then, and Dinah sighed gratefully. “Here. Let me hold her.”

  He placed Katie in her arms then sat back, a strained expression on his face. “Was it hard for her to learn to nurse?” Rucker asked finally. “I mean, are human babies like puppies? Do they just nuzzle around until they find dinner and latch on?”

  “Yes.” Dinah frowned at her dry nipple.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Usually my milk comes down when Katie starts to cry. My body responds to her signal.” She knew why the milk hadn’t come; the stress of her grief and inner turmoil was affecting it.

  Dinah cradled Katie to her breast and immediately the baby’s little mouth sought it. After a few seconds of unsuccessful nursing, Katie’s face contorted in tearful frustration.

  Dinah’s eyes burned. Even this basic act of sharing would be denied her during her last few hours with Rucker and their daughter. Turning her face away from him, she couldn’t stop the tears that gathered on her eyelashes.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked again, his voice tortured.

  “I can’t nurse her.”

  “Because I’m watching?”

  She shook her head. “I know you hate the idea of touching me, but could you rub my back? It might relax me.”

  Slowly, his jaw clenched, he nodded. Rucker moved around behind her and settled on the small bed. When his hands curled over her shoulders she quivered desperately. His fingers dug into her skin.

  “Is it guilt or fear?” he demanded.

  “I just wish that everything had worked out the way I wanted. I had hoped … hoped to come back to the States with Katie.”

  His hands rough, Rucker jerked her silk shirt down to her elbows. “Then why don’t you?”

  “Diego has requested that I stay.”

  “And what Diego wants, Diego gets. Well, he doesn’t get Katie. I’ll be back for her.”

  “Sssh!” Dinah frowned over her shoulder at him. “Nothing you say is private.”

  “I’ll be back,” Rucker emphasized. “And if Valdivia doesn’t suspect that, he’s a fool.”

  Her head drooped in defeat as his hands gripped her shoulders harshly. Katie burst into whimpers as she sensed the turmoil. Rucker’s hold gentled.

  “Let’s just change the subject,” he ordered.

  Dinah nodded wearily. His fingertips began to caress her with languid, gentle motions. She felt the pressure of each coarse pad as he drew lines down the center of her back.

  He put a hand on the crown of her head and stroked the length of her brunette hair. He ran both hands up the nape of her neck and spread her hair across her shoulders like a dark brown cape. Then he gathered it between her shoulder blades and smoothed it down her back before returning to his slow massage.

  Several minutes passed before he stopped. “Does that help?” he murmured.

  “Yes.” Dinah watched Katie’s face relax and felt the familiar warmth of milk seeping from her breast. “I knew your touch would make a difference. Thank you.”

  He pulled himself close to her and looked over her shoulder at the nursing baby. Dinah heard his soft inhalation of wonder. She felt his breath on her skin, smelled his earthy, arousing scent, and couldn’t resist.

  Turning her head, she brushed a kiss across his cheek. He shut his eyes, but didn’t pull away. Slowly he tilted his head and gazed into her eyes. They shared a moment of poignant tenderness.

  “We did one thing right, at least,” he whispered in a ragged tone. “We made Katie. And we both love her. Whatever turned you away from me doesn’t make any difference on that point.”

  Her voice was a mere breath of sound. “Nothing turned me away. I swear it. I can’t go home with you, but I’ll never stop loving you.”

  He shook his head, not believing her, but his anger seemed to be submerged in numb sorrow. He put his arms around her and kissed her temple then pressed his cheek to her hair.

  “Would you do me a whimsical favor?” she asked in a voice drenched in tears. “Would you hum ‘Amazing Grace’?”

  After a moment of surprise he complied. Dinah shut her eyes and absorbed the low, throbbing music from his throat, so close beside her ear. She said all the prayers she need
ed to say then let her head tilt back against his shoulder.

  He’d lulled her this way innumerable times in the past, and the memories brought her peace. Katie finished nursing and fell asleep, her small pink mouth relaxed against Dinah’s breast.

  Rucker put a hand on Katie’s head. The other he slipped around Dinah’s waist. “Tonight we’re a family, and nothin’ can change that,” he whispered angrily. “Don’t ever forget what you’ve given up.”

  “I won’t.” That was all the answer she could manage. Dinah stroked his hand as it cupped their daughter’s delicate head. Now that her decisions were made and her future laid out, she was serene.

  She would stay beside Valdivia during tomorrow’s holiday revelry. By the time her plot was discovered, Rucker, Katie, Sara, Jeopard, and Drake would be safe.

  She had no idea what Valdivia would do to her when he found out, but her victory would still be sweet.

  Eleven

  The rapid-fire tattoo of firecrackers woke Dinah shortly after dawn. She scooted out of bed as Katie began to protest loudly. Drawing a blue silk robe around a matching gown, Dinah went to an antique wicker bassinet and lifted Katie into her arms.

  “Sssh, honey, they’re just holiday noises.” She crooned while walking to the barred window. Dinah gazed dully out. The pretty little village of the plantation workers lay beyond a line of trees in the distance. The popping firecrackers came from that direction.

  Dinah turned her head toward the familiar rattle of the lock on the double doors to her suite. A lithe young woman entered the room bearing a silver tea service on a heavy silver tray.

  “Good morning, Teodora.”

  Teodora nodded quickly. She was dressed in her feista clothes—a bright print skirt, a white blouse that exposed the tops of her shoulders, and delicate leather sandals.

  But her anxious expression held no holiday spirit. “My compatriots are near the hacienda,” she whispered, glancing around the room as if Valdivia might have hidden someone there. Teodora set the tray on a wicker cart that matched the rest of the room’s Victorian furnishings. “Dr. Sara gave me the medicine to put in the guards’ beer.”

  Katie had quieted. Dinah placed her back in the bassinet and went to a dressing table. She picked up a sealed letter and handed it to Teodora. The young Suradoran’s eyes filled with tears.