Conflicted

by Lisa Suzanne

  He sighed, and I remembered too late his feelings on the words.

  Whatever. If he was going to be a dick, I was going to stick with saying things I knew pissed him off. In fact, I was going to do things I knew irritated him, too. Between my rabid thoughts and extreme arousal that no one was taking care of, I was in no mood for his moodiness. I had my own ways of dishing it, and this bastard better just get ready for what was coming.

  While he emailed me the presentation, I sipped my coffee loudly with an exaggerated “ahh” after each sip because I knew he hated it. I caught his irritated glances in my direction, but I ignored them.

  As I opened the presentation and began flipping through the slides, I hummed a tune to myself—another of his pet peeves. He preferred to work in complete silence, and frankly, I was tired of it.

  I knew I was being immature, but that was hardly going to stop me from doing it.

  “Can you stop?” he said sharply after a few minutes.

  “What?” I asked innocently as I looked over at him.

  “The humming. Stop it.”

  “Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even realize I was doing it.”

  Silence rolled back over us like a thick fog. I hated working in silence as much as he loved it.

  I forced myself to focus on the presentation, and I was about halfway through reading the slides when we had to leave.

  We headed down to the lobby and followed the signs to the conference center. I couldn’t help but notice the women gazing at Cole as we made our way there. They looked at him the same way I did.

  We received lanyards baring our names and company as well as a tote bag upon check-in. We were directed toward a large room, where we were told to take our seats because the first session would be starting shortly.

  Cole found us two seats. He set his tote bag down and left. I watched his ass as he walked away, and I felt that strong tug of desire deep within me again. He stopped to talk to some people, and I couldn’t help but notice the way he networked. He was self-assured as he spoke. His confidence oozed out of him, but somehow he didn’t come across as arrogant.

  It was a pleasure just to watch him. Something deeper than desire fluttered in my stomach. The feelings were familiar but long forgotten.

  Butterflies.

  They flew with zest around my belly. A tiny smile tugged at my lips.

  Strong, intense feelings were strong and intense no matter how you sliced it. The strong hatred I’d felt for him had suddenly morphed into something else, something that caused butterflies and made me stare at him as he worked the room.

  I wasn’t just attracted to Cole. I was starting to develop real feelings for him.

  As much as I sometimes hated him and the way he treated me, the line between hate and love was razor thin. And I was pretty sure I’d just sailed over that line.

  He glanced my way, catching me staring.

  I looked away in embarrassment as a blush crept into my cheeks. I forced myself to look through the tote bag, even though watching Cole was actually a lot more interesting than whatever was in the bag.

  I pulled out a spiral-bound book. It was a schedule of events as well as notes for the main presentations. Cole’s presentation the next day was a break-out session, one of several optional events for the conference. I found his name and saw that he’d be presenting at eleven o’clock in the morning.

  We’d be ready by then.

  And I wouldn’t let him drink as much as the night before. He’d need his wits about him—although, as I glanced over at him again, he seemed to be doing just fine.

  An emcee told everyone to take their seats, and then he introduced the president of VAYO, the company sponsoring the conference. Cole slid into the empty seat beside me, and I breathed in his scent.

  I shook my head to clear him out of it.

  I needed to focus on this damn conference, because as I glanced beside me, I saw that Cole was busy checking his email. If I didn’t pay attention for him, he’d get nothing out of the time away from the office.

  Every once in a while, his knee accidentally bumped mine or his elbow accidentally brushed against me. When it happened once or twice, it was easily forgivable, but when it happened for the third or fourth time, I started to wonder whether he was doing it on purpose.

  When his knee bumped mine for a fifth time, he left it there. Neither of us moved. I didn’t even breathe for a few seconds as I realized what was happening.

  It took everything in my power not to look at him. I felt his eyes on me, but the idea of looking over terrified me. Whatever I saw in his eyes could mean the difference between remaining a faithful wife or doing something that would ruin my marriage. Perhaps the speaker who was droning on and on about the important and varying roles of consultants in today’s marketplace wasn’t holding his attention. Maybe I was Cole’s entertainment.

  I refused to just be “entertainment.” The emotions that crept over me as I’d watched him work the room less than an hour earlier told me that my feelings ran deeper than I’d been willing to admit.

  I had the sudden urge to talk to John, to tell him how strongly I was starting to feel for a man who wasn’t him. The space between us wasn’t just physical. Sure, we were an entire country away from each other, but the emotional distance between us was oceans wider than that. It had been for a long time, and I couldn’t seem to find the answer to close that gap. I’d tried talking. I’d tried sex. I’d tried everything I could think of, and none of it had been enough.

  I felt conflicted as I contemplated my options. To move my knee or not. To look over or not. To say something or not. To act on my feelings or not.

  So I sat there, staring straight ahead at the speaker while I didn’t listen because I was too lost in my thoughts to pay attention.

  I finally turned my head to give into him. And as I looked at Cole, he was watching the speaker.

  Had he even looked at me at all? Or had it been wishful thinking that he was looking in my direction, studying me and wanting me the same way I wanted him?

  His knee was still pressed to mine. I finally moved mine over with a surge of disappointment.

  The seats were small. His knee wasn’t up against mine because he wanted me; no, his knee was there because we didn’t have much room and he was tall. He needed the extra space, and I was in the way. He was asserting his dominance the same way someone would over an armrest on an airplane or at a movie theater.

  I hated how I kept allowing my mind to betray me. I kept letting myself get caught up in the moment and think that there might actually be something between us.

  I was stupid to think that he’d almost kissed me the night before because he wanted me. He’d been drunk. He probably would’ve tried to kiss Don, for heaven’s sake.

  I just had a crush on Cole, and I’d get over it. It certainly wasn’t love. It wasn’t anything that could ever possibly develop into something more than a boss and his assistant.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Lunchtime came, and it was another reminder that my boss was an asshole. We walked to the room where lunch was being served and found an open table. I sat, and then Cole sat—not next to me, but across the table from me.

  I gave him an irritated glance, which he completely ignored.

  I knew no one at this conference. The only reason I was here was to assist Cole. How was I supposed to do that if we weren’t even involved in the same conversations?

  It didn’t take long for me to figure out why Cole didn’t want to sit by me. One leggy blonde and one busty redhead took the seats on either side of him, and he had the audacity to look like a kid in a candy store.

  An attractive man with friendly brown eyes and dark hair who introduced himself as Luke took the seat beside me. After shooting a glare across the table at Cole, who I couldn’t help but notice was gazing in my direction, I settled into small talk.

  “Where are you from?” he asked.

  “Los Angeles. You?”

  “Phoenix.
”

  “How do you like the summers there?”

  He grinned. “It’s not bad if you like the sensation of sticking your head in the oven.”

  I giggled. “I have some family in the Phoenix area. We only visit in the winter.”

  “I don’t blame you. So what do you do in LA?”

  “I’m an executive assistant. What about you?”

  “I’m a consultant for an engineering firm.”

  The salad course was served, and I found myself lost in conversation with the friendly Luke. I’d expected to be able to attend the sessions with my boss, but by the looks of things, he had his hands full. I had a feeling I was going to be responsible for taking good notes while he got busy in a hotel room with either Leggy or Busty. Or maybe both. I didn’t know how he liked to swing things.

  It was better this way. Seeing him in his natural habitat, flirting with other women and giving them his full attention, solidified my plan to get over him.

  After the post-lunch sessions, we had a two-hour break before dinner and the mixer with cocktails to end the evening. I was looking forward to the cocktails.

  I headed up to the hotel room, where, to my surprise, I found Cole. Alone and typing on his laptop.

  I didn’t bother greeting him. I was mad at him for choosing to sit with two women who clearly only wanted to get in his pants.

  I headed straight into the bedroom and sat on the bed with my phone. I shot off a quick text to John. Everything okay at home? It was another attempt to reopen the blocked lines of communication.

  “Did you get notes on that last session?”

  I glanced up from my phone to see Cole standing in the doorway to the bedroom. He looked so painfully handsome in those khaki pants that fit him like a glove and just a shadow of scruff on his jaw.

  What would that feel like against my skin? Under my fingertips? Brushing against my cheek? Rubbing on my thighs?

  I looked back down at my phone just to have somewhere to look besides Cole.

  “Yes.”

  “I missed the first couple of minutes.”

  I hadn’t seen him come in late, but I’d been engrossed in my notes. “Well I got them.”

  I felt his eyes on me. “What’s the matter with you?”

  I sighed. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to be tempted by him.

  “Nothing,” I muttered. It was a total lie. For one, I was pissed that he abandoned me at lunch. Maybe it was petty, but I thought at least we could’ve gone over the morning session together and discussed where the information we’d learned could be useful.

  Second, I was irritated that he was late to the session because he was busy entertaining those women.

  And third, I was pissed that I even had a crush on the asshole in the first place.

  He stepped into the room, invading my space. “Don’t give me that bullshit.”

  The sharpness to his voice caused me to look up at him.

  I sighed as I looked out the window in embarrassment. “I thought we could’ve talked about the morning session over lunch. That’s all.”

  “You’re acting like a child because I didn’t sit by you?” He seemed genuinely surprised, but I supposed that was what it came down to.

  My eyes landed on him again. I pressed my lips together. “You ditched me. I don’t know anybody here, and I felt like an idiot sitting by myself.”

  “Let’s be clear. I didn’t ditch you. I’m not here to entertain you. The first rule of conferences is networking. Sitting with people you know isn’t the road to making new contacts.”

  “And I suppose those two women who you sat with are new contacts?”

  He rolled his eyes. “If I wanted a lecture, I’d have brought my mother along with me.”

  I looked down at my phone, not sure how to respond. He sat on the bed beside me.

  “Not that I need to explain myself to you, but both women are from companies here in New York. I’ve worked with them for years. We were just catching up.”

  I raised my eyebrows, surprised at his explanation, but I kept my eyes down. “You’re right. You don’t need to explain yourself.”

  “Besides,” he said, lowering his voice to a gritty husk, “if I would’ve sat next to you, I wouldn’t have been able to look across the table at you.”

  My head whipped up. This time, I was absolutely certain I saw lust and heat in his eyes.

  We were alone in a hotel room, and we had the next two hours free. The possibilities for the next one hundred twenty minutes were endless.

  I opened my mouth to speak, but I was interrupted by the jarring ring of my phone.

  Had he really just said that to me?

  I looked at my phone again. “It’s my husband,” I blurted, holding up the screen.

  He nodded once with clear disappointment and stood, and I watched his retreating back as he left the room, closing the door behind him.

  I cleared my throat, shocked over Cole’s words and then worried why John was calling. I immediately thought something was wrong. We rarely spoke on the phone, opting instead to communicate via text message. “Hey. Is everything okay?”

  “The hot water heater broke. I’ve been taking cold showers.”

  It figured something would break while I was out of town. I was always the one who had to put in the order with our apartment manager whenever something broke. I wasn’t even sure if John knew how to do that. “Did you call the super?”

  “Where’s his number?”

  “I taped it on the inside of the medicine cabinet.”

  “I’ll call tonight when I get home. How late can I call?”

  “I don’t know. Leave a message if he doesn’t answer.”

  “What do I say?”

  Sometimes he was beyond helpless. “Probably your name, apartment number, phone number, and the problem.”

  “If I text you the number, will you just call?”

  I sighed. “Seriously, John?”

  He was quiet.

  “Fine. Text me the number and I’ll call.”

  “Thanks.”

  It was my turn to be quiet. I was so tired of stupid shit like this. I was out of town on business, and he had the balls to ask me to call about the stupid fucking water heater?

  “Well, I guess I’ll talk to you later,” John said.

  “Okay,” I hedged, waiting for an I love you or an I miss you that never came.

  “Bye.”

  The call ended before I had a chance to even say goodbye.

  It was moments like that—phone calls like that—that pushed me further and further away from John. Meanwhile Cole was telling me he wanted to sit across the table from me so he could look at me.

  After his admission about his seating choice at lunch, I felt like Cole was now actively working to steal me away from my husband, and I was pretty sure that I didn’t want to fight against that.

  I tossed my phone down on the night table beside the bed. It was time to stop thinking, because all thinking did was bounce me back and forth like a ping pong ball.

  I stood and walked to the door. I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath.

  I was really going to do this.

  I turned the handle, and my eyes immediately found him. He was on his laptop again, but this time he looked up at me when I entered the room. Our eyes met and locked, and he set his laptop down and stood.

  “Ms. Cleary?”

  I took a step toward him, and he took a step toward me. We both moved toward each other until we met in the middle. His hand came up to cup my neck, and my eyes closed as I leaned into his warm touch.

  I took a deep breath, that clean scent washing over me.

  I opened my eyes, and he was a breath away from me. “I think it’s time to start calling me Lucy.”

  He closed the final gap between us as he pulled me closer with the hand around my neck. He wrapped his other arm around my waist and hauled me against him. “Okay, Lucy,” he said, and
then he touched his lips to mine.

  He stopped and looked at me as if thinking it through, but I didn’t want to think. I just wanted to feel.

  And then his lips collided with mine, firm and assured. He opened his mouth to allow our tongues to dance together in a slow tango.

  Every feeling left my body except the desire that twisted through my veins and exploded everywhere. I thought of nothing other than how good it felt to finally kiss Cole Benson.

  The way my body reacted to him was unfamiliar. I’d forgotten what true sexual excitement and craving felt like. It had been missing from my life for far too long, but Cole’s kiss was the spark to reignite the passion I deserved out of life.

  His hand around my neck moved up to grip my hair as he kissed me with arrogance and dominance. He took control, and my body begged for more as my hips involuntarily bucked toward his. My hands gripped his hard biceps, as if I might fall should I let go.

  I felt movement, but I was so caught up in the kiss that I didn’t realize he was moving us toward the bedroom.

  Toward the bed.

  I couldn’t wait to get that navy blue shirt off of him, to run my fingertips along the smooth muscles I’d had the pleasure of seeing in the flesh that very morning.

  As if he was reading my mind, he pulled away and started working the buttons on his shirt. His hooded eyes gazed at me just the way I’d dreamed they would, full of passion and lust.

  He was on the third button and my stomach clenched with excitement when a knock at our door interrupted us.

  “Fuck,” Cole muttered, glancing at the door before looking at me again. His eyes rounded as if he’d just realized what we’d done.

  “Fuck,” he repeated, running a hand through his hair.

  I’d never seen him so flustered. It might’ve been comical if I could get over the fact that I’d just kissed my boss.

  The knocking became louder and more persistent. He buttoned his shirt hastily on his way to the door while I smoothed a hand through my hair, trying my best to appear like I hadn’t been brought to my knees by that kiss.

  I’d already started daydreaming about sex on my desk at the office. Or sex on his desk. Going out on a date with him. Holding hands in public. Being a couple. Leaving John.