Conflicted

by Lisa Suzanne

  To my surprise, Cole was sitting on the couch, his gaze over the city when I walked in. He looked handsome as always sitting there, and I wanted to freeze the moment and just stare at him.

  He turned in my direction when the door shut behind me.

  “Hi,” he said softly, his expression unreadable.

  “Hey,” I said, stumbling on a snag in the carpet. I leaned on the wall with one arm to steady myself.

  He stood. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, fine. Just great.” My words came out with a bit of a slur.

  “You’re drunk.”

  I held up my fingers in a pinch and squinted my eyes. “Maybe just a little.”

  “Let’s get you into bed.”

  “Oh yeah, baby. Bed sounds real nice.”

  He chuckled as he put his arm around my waist to help steady me. “You smell like a bar.”

  “You smell like you should be on top of me.”

  “Christ,” he muttered. “If only you weren’t so wasted.”

  “If only,” I repeated, kicking my shoes off and climbing into bed. “And if only you hadn’t spent the night fucking Nicki.”

  And then everything went black.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  One ray of light fell across my face, and I squinted as I pried open my eyes. The curtains were drawn, but it was morning. I glanced down to find I was still wearing the dress I’d worn to dinner the night before. I didn’t remember getting into bed or closing the curtains, but I must have. I just remembered drinking and giggling with Luke, and I vaguely remembered running into Cole before I fell asleep.

  I turned and looked at the clock, and my stomach rolled. My head pounded, and I tried to make sense of the numbers on the clock. It was just before ten, and the sun peeking through the sides of the curtains told me it was morning.

  Something important was nagging just under my conscience, but I couldn’t piece together what it was.

  Until it hit me.

  “Fuck!” I yelled, hopping out of bed.

  Bad idea.

  The whiskey from the night before crept up my throat.

  I ran to the bathroom and promptly threw up. I held my head in my hands for a split second, but I didn’t have time to feel bad.

  I flew into the other room of our hotel suite, but it was empty. Cole and his laptop were gone. He was probably getting ready for his presentation while the assistant he needed had the hangover from hell.

  I’d been feeling so sorry for myself that I’d forgotten he’d needed my help finalizing the presentation. I’d stupidly jumped to conclusions and then got drunk with Luke.

  I was a royal idiot.

  And most definitely not Assistant of the Year material.

  I hopped in the shower and got ready in record time. I grabbed my iPad and phone and practically flew down the hall to the elevator. I texted Cole on my way down.

  Where are you?

  I didn’t have time for pleasantries, even though he certainly deserved more than that as well as my profuse apologies.

  I was here for a job, and I’d let too much come between that. I’d worked hard to become an executive assistant, to have the opportunity to work on a new project alongside Cole, to travel to New York because he trusted me to help him with his presentation. And I was throwing it all away because I was allowing my personal feelings to come between me and the job I’d come to do.

  His reply came quickly. Conference Room B.

  I ran down the hallway as fast as my legs would carry me in a dress and heels, and I found Cole practicing his presentation in an empty room.

  “I’m so, so sorry,” I said, interrupting him as he rehearsed his speech.

  He gazed at me for a long moment, but he didn’t say anything. He turned to his laptop, typing something and essentially ignoring me.

  “What can I do?” I asked.

  “Be a good little assistant and go get me some coffee.”

  I shut my eyes for the briefest of moments.

  I thought we’d had a breakthrough. I thought that once he’d admitted that he had feelings for me—that once we kissed—things would change.

  I couldn’t have been more wrong.

  Instead, his words just stung that much more. All that hate I felt for him bubbled up as my feelings weren’t just hurt—instead, they were torn to shreds and pounded into the ground.

  On some level, I supposed I deserved it this time. I’d gotten drunk when he’d been expecting me to help finalize the presentation, and that was my fault. But he didn’t need to hurt me to get across the point that he was pissed at me.

  I spun around on my heel and headed toward the coffee shop in the hotel. I placed an order for a large vanilla latte for Cole, and I splurged and ordered a coffee for myself, too. I certainly needed it after the night and subsequent morning I’d had.

  As much as I just wanted to tell him to screw himself, I didn’t. Instead I rushed to deliver his coffee.

  And once again, he completely ignored me. I set his coffee on the podium beside him, and he didn’t even have the decency to thank me. He didn’t look up from his laptop.

  I sat at a table and watched him for a moment before pulling up the presentation on my iPad. I couldn’t help but stare at his lips, which moved silently to the words he was going to say with each of his slides.

  I finally pulled my eyes away from him to focus on my iPad. I’d already been through the presentation what seemed like a hundred different times, but this was the final read-through.

  I found a few minor details that needed editing, so I wrote them down and waited for Cole to address me.

  And waited.

  And waited some more.

  I glanced at my watch. We only had about fifteen minutes before Cole needed to start his presentation. Finally I cleared my throat. Cole looked up at me, irritation clear on his handsome face.

  “Um, Mr. Benson, I found three things that need to be changed.”

  “It’s getting a bit late for changes, Ms. Cleary.” Frustration thickened his voice.

  “I know, and I’m so sorry.”

  I stood and hurried over to him to show him which slides needed the changes.

  He stopped and looked at me, and I saw it all there in his eyes. He had to act like he hated me to cover up his feelings for me.

  “I needed you last night,” he said, his voice a harsh whisper.

  “I’m sorry.”

  He glared at me. “I don’t have time to deal with your shit right now, so we’ll figure out the repercussions later. What needs to be changed?”

  I showed him the three minor errors, two of which he’d already corrected on his own.

  “Are you ready?” I asked once the presentation was finalized.

  He glanced at the clock on his phone. “I guess I have to be.”

  “What can I do?”

  “I need you to record the entire presentation. I’m considering creating a webinar with the information.”

  “That’s a great idea.”

  He glared at me again. “I know it is. Stop kissing my ass and do your fucking job.”

  I nodded, my cheeks burning with embarrassment. I hated how easily he could hurt me, and I tried my hardest to just let it roll off of me. “Of course.”

  We headed to the room where Cole would be presenting. The previous presentation had just ended, and people filed out while others started to enter. The front row was filling up quickly. I reserved a chair by throwing my bag on it so I’d be able to film Cole as requested.

  Cole stood at the front of the room on a small stage. He stared a bit helplessly at the wires sticking out of the podium. I took a deep breath and headed up to help.

  “I got it,” he said in a furious whisper, as if by having a woman help him he might somehow be emasculated.

  I raised my eyebrows as if to tell him to go for it, and he fiddled with the obviously wrong wire. He looked all along the side of his laptop for a hole that matched the plug in his hand to no avail.

&
nbsp; I watched as his hands shook ever so slightly. As someone who dealt with him every day, it was easy to see that he was flustered, but the people walking into the room would’ve never sensed it. Not with the cool demeanor he was doing his best to project.

  “Cole, just let me do it,” I finally said, pulling the wire out of his hand. “Go over your notes one more time and take a deep breath while I get you set up.”

  He shot me a grateful look that he immediately masked with the glare he’d saved just for me.

  I inserted all the right plugs into all the right holes and pulled up his intro slide, projecting it onto the screen. “Anything else I can do?” I asked.

  He shook his head without looking up at me.

  “I’m turning on the mic now.”

  He nodded, still not looking at me. Before I clicked the button, I said, “Good luck. You’ll be as amazing as you always are.” And then I headed down to my seat.

  A man in a suit who I didn’t recognize rushed up toward Cole. His gray hair told me he was around Jack’s age, and he bore a resemblance to the Benson men, but, unlike Cole, he wore a friendly smile. He and Cole shook hands vigorously and exchanged some words, and then the man took the microphone and I held up my phone to begin recording the presentation.

  “Good morning. I’m Rob Benson, an executive of Benson Industries, and I’m here to introduce your next speaker. I worked with Cole here in New York for eight years before he made the decision to take over as acting CEO of Benson Industries in California, and from what I’ve heard, it’s been a smooth transition because of Cole’s professionalism, knowledge, and business savvy. You’re in for a treat with this next speaker as I’m positive you will walk away with not just some new strategies, but a new way of thinking. And I’m not just trying to suck up to my boss. I’m also his proud uncle.” His last line garnered a small chuckle from the crowd, and I turned around to see that the room was completely full…and the audience was comprised of almost exclusively women.

  I rolled my eyes, but I didn’t stop filming.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Cole Benson.”

  The crowd applauded for their presenter, and then I watched as Cole shook Rob’s hand again. He took a deep breath, and his eyes locked ever so briefly onto mine. I gave him a huge smile of encouragement, and he nodded almost imperceptibly and then started the speech he’d rehearsed what seemed to be hundreds of times.

  I watched as he delighted the crowd through the small screen on my phone.

  I didn’t have pictures of him on my phone. I relied on the mental images when I thought about him.

  Instead, the album on my phone was filled with photos of my personal life.

  The album was aptly titled “Moments,” a title given by Apple, not by me, and it was a series of moments over the past few years, mostly moments I shared with my husband. Moments where we appeared to be happy. Moments appropriate for sharing on social media. Moments that made us seem like the perfect couple to anyone who was looking.

  But they weren’t real.

  They were just photos snapped at perfect moments of two smiling people. They didn’t show our struggles or our fears. They didn’t show the dents in our armor or the cracks in our hearts. And they certainly didn’t show the vast ocean of nothingness that had somehow wedged between us.

  But now there was a new Moment on my phone.

  As I watched Cole give his speech, starting out a bit nervous but easily and quickly gaining confidence, making the crowd laugh and swoon, I couldn’t help the piece of my heart that fell a little harder for him.

  At the very end of his speech, just after he gave his final thoughts, he said, “And one final thing. I have to thank my assistant, Lucy Cleary. She dedicated a lot of hours to putting together this presentation, and I hope you’ve all learned something new that you can take back with you. Thank you.”

  I was touched—and, frankly shocked—that he’d mentioned me with praise. He wasn’t the praising type of boss. He was much more the insulting, demeaning, hurtful type of boss.

  He received a standing ovation for his presentation, something I’d never seen happen at any work conference I’d attended. While the information he’d given was valuable, I had a feeling that the applause had more to do with how hot he looked in a suit than with the material.

  After his presentation, which lasted a full hour and drained the battery on my phone, a line of women formed at the side of the stage. I was certain they wanted to ask him questions, but I highly doubted the questions had anything to do with what he’d just discussed.

  It was lunch time, and I needed to charge my phone. I looked over at him after gathering my stuff. I wanted to ask if he needed me to do anything else, but I didn’t want to interrupt him. He was so hard to read sometimes, and I didn’t want to do the wrong thing and piss him off. Some blonde cougar held his attention, anyway, so I turned to leave.

  Just as I turned, he glanced in my direction. We locked eyes for a split second again, and then he turned his attention back to the cougar.

  Maybe I was just reading into it what I wanted to see, but I could’ve sworn that all of the anger was gone and all the heat was back.

  Cole Benson wanted me, and I was pretty sure that he was done hiding it.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  “Lucy! Over here!” I turned at the sound of my name, and Luke wore a huge smile.

  I walked over with my boxed lunch and slid into the seat beside him. “You look awfully chipper considering our night out.”

  “I didn’t drink half the amount you did.”

  I rolled my eyes and opened my box to find a sandwich, a bag of chips, and an apple. “Thanks so much for stopping me.”

  He chuckled. “You kept telling me you could handle it. And you were doing fine.”

  “Until I wasn’t.”

  “Yeah, until you weren’t.”

  We both laughed. “How mad was he?”

  “On a scale of one to ten? Eleven. He said we will deal with the repercussions later.”

  Luke made a face. “Whatever that means.”

  “I mean, if he wants to spank me…”

  He set down his burger. “God, Lucy. You are aware that I’m a single man, right?”

  “I’m not.”

  “Like it matters.”

  Part of me wanted to be offended, but I laughed at his teasing. Sometimes laughter was the only way to deal with a serious situation.

  Luke took a sip of his drink. “His presentation was outstanding, but I’m guessing it’s because you did all the work on it.”

  “Shut up,” I mumbled. “It was all his. I just put it together.”

  “You’re too modest.”

  I shrugged. “I’m glad you were there.”

  “I heard him thank you.”

  “I was shocked. Like beyond shocked.”

  “So was I based on what you’ve told me about him.”

  “Speak of the devil,” I said, my eyes glued to Cole as he walked into the banquet room. He wasn’t alone; a flock of women followed him, but I watched as he glanced around the room with a bit of anxiety. I wondered what he was looking for, and then his eyes caught mine. His face smoothed over until his eyes darted to Luke beside me, and then his expression darkened ever so slightly.

  He turned back to one of the women vying for his attention, and I wondered what that was all about.

  “He wants you, Lucy. He wants you and he wants me away from you.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Because I see how he looks at you. He searched you out the second he walked into this room. And then he gave me a dirty look.”

  “That’s ridiculous.”

  Luke shrugged. “Believe what you want.”

  After lunch, I headed back to the suite. I was relaxing on the couch, scrolling lazily through my phone to avoid reality. I’d just started thinking I should head back down for the next session when the door opened.

  Cole walked in, and his hand went immediately to
his throat to loosen his tie. I watched him tensely from where I sat. He ran so hot and cold—one minute he was telling me how he wanted me since the moment we met, and the next minute he was ordering me around and treating me like dirt. I wondered which version of him just walked through the door.

  His eyes landed squarely on me. “We need to talk.”

  My phone started ringing in my purse. My eyes darted away from his and in the direction of the sound.

  “Ignore it.”

  “But it could be—”

  “I don’t care who it is.” He strode through the room until he was standing in front of me. He held out his hand. I took it, and he helped me up.

  His eyes bored down into mine, and I sensed that I was getting the Cole that wanted me.

  Badly.

  “This is so fucking stupid, Lucy. I can’t take it anymore.”

  “What is?” I asked, confused. My phone stopped ringing, and silence filled the room.

  “This back and forth shit between us. I’ve tried to respect the fact that you’re married, but I want you, and I know you want me, too. It’s time to stop ignoring what’s right in front of us and do something about it.”

  “What do you want to do about it?” My voice shook.

  He leaned down toward me, and our lips met. His kiss was gentle, the opposite of what I’d expected from him based on his demeanor. His arms tightened around me, but his kiss remained tender.

  My phone dinged with a notification.

  “Dammit,” he muttered, dropping his arms and backing away from me. He walked over to my purse and handed it to me.

  I threw my purse down on the table. “Whoever it is can wait,” I said, and I threw my arms around Cole’s neck as my lips crashed onto his. Whoever it was needed to wait, because this thing between us couldn’t wait any longer.

  The tender kiss from seconds before was gone. This one was fiery and passionate as all the emotions I’d bottled up for Cole surfaced. Love and hate and passion and jealousy and irritation and admiration and everything in between flooded out of me and into our kiss.

  And I felt it all back from him, too. The times we’d both held back, and the times we’d both wanted to do something but my marriage or our professional relationship or some other obstacle stopped us.