Conflicted

by Lisa Suzanne

  “Can we save this conversation for later? How are Kaylee and Kevin doing?”

  She glanced at Madi before replying. “We’re waiting for them to move Kaylee to a room. Kevin is out of surgery but not out of the woods yet. We need to wait for the swelling by his brain to go down before we’ll know more. His parents are driving from Colorado now.”

  “Is Kay awake?”

  She nodded. “They won’t let us back in post-op, but as soon as she gets a room, we can go see her. I’d like to keep Madi away from this as much as possible. Would you be able to take her home with you for a few days?”

  “Of course. I’ll do whatever I have to.”

  “Thank you. What’s going on with you and your boss?”

  “What do you mean?”

  She glanced over toward Madi again, but I knew she was looking at Cole. “The way you look at him.”

  “Mom…” I sighed, giving her the warning to stop the conversation by my tone.

  “He’s handsome.”

  “That doesn’t mean anything.” I picked absently at my nails.

  “Be careful, Lucy.”

  I gave her my best offended look and headed over to play with Cole and Madi.

  A nurse came out to speak to my mom and dad, and then my mom let me know they were going in to see Kaylee. I couldn’t help but wonder where the hell John was and why the hell he wasn’t here where he should have been.

  I finally texted him. I’m at the hospital. Where are you?

  Work. How are they?

  I fumed. I’d left a work function to head all the way across the country to be here, and he couldn’t leave the office for five minutes?

  Kay is stable, but Kev just got out of surgery.

  I wanted to ask why he wasn’t here, but I couldn’t muster the energy. Part of me didn’t want him in the same room with Cole anyway, but I couldn’t help but feel abandoned by him. It was a no-win situation for him.

  I’ll be there soon.

  I wondered what at work could be more important than family, but maybe he didn’t see it that way. They were my family, not his, and so maybe he just didn’t care that much.

  My mom and dad came out to let me know that I could go in. My mom had clearly been crying, but she put on a brave face for Madi. Cole’s eyes met mine, and I nodded yes to his silent question.

  I needed him to hold my hand through this.

  We walked together toward the doors that would take us to the hallway that led to my sister’s room, and I had no idea what to expect.

  As soon as the doors clicked shut behind us, Cole grabbed my hand. I looked to him gratefully, not sure how he knew exactly what I needed while the man I was married to couldn’t even be bothered to be here.

  Kaylee was asleep, and she looked like hell. Her face was bruised, swollen, and bandaged, and her arm was in a big cast. She barely looked like my sister. I clutched Cole’s hand a little tighter.

  I sat on the couch under the window. I figured my sister would be out for a while—she’d just had surgery, after all, but it still felt right to be here.

  After a few minutes, a nurse walked in to check on Kaylee. We left her to do her job.

  Cole opened the door for me and the two of us headed back to the lobby. Halfway down the hall, Cole grabbed my hand in his again, and then he stopped walking.

  He pulled me in for a hug.

  “Are you okay?” he whispered.

  I nodded, and I felt his lips on my cheek.

  He took me so completely by surprise that I didn’t even realize what was happening until it was all over. His kiss was so gentle and sweet. It only lasted a few seconds, but it was somehow exactly what I needed after seeing my sister lying helplessly in her hospital bed.

  I shifted and caught his lips softly with mine. He pulled away first and rested his forehead against mine for just a moment.

  He smiled tightly and stepped away from me. I immediately missed his closeness as a shiver ran down my spine.

  “If I can do anything, just ask. You know I have the means to get your sister and her husband the best care. Same with your niece.”

  I looked to him gratefully. “I appreciate it.”

  He grabbed my hand and held it down the hallway, all the way until we reached the set of double doors that would take us out to the waiting room.

  I saw the back of his head the moment we walked out of those doors. The man I’d married, the one I’d pledged my life and my love to, stood talking to my parents. My stomach twisted in violent knots as soon as I saw him. I felt like I was going to throw up.

  What I was doing was wrong. Even if I hadn’t actually slept with Cole, I’d still betrayed my husband’s trust.

  John turned around as if he could sense my presence. His eyes met mine, and they slid over to Cole for just a moment. Something dark flashed through his eyes before they moved back to me.

  He walked to me and pressed a kiss to my lips. It was the first time he’d initiated a kiss in…I couldn’t remember how long. A month, maybe? I was pretty sure the last time he’d kissed me had been on our last monthly date—an entire month earlier.

  He was asserting his spot as my husband in front of my boss. It shouldn’t matter. He shouldn’t have felt the need to act like a caveman.

  I wondered if John could taste the betrayal in my kiss. I wondered if he could taste Cole’s breath on my lips.

  I wondered if I kissed differently. It had been a long time since I’d kissed someone other than my husband.

  “How was New York?” he asked tentatively. He was showing an interest in me for the first time in years, and I was certain it was just for show. He had to act like everything was okay between the two of us in front of my parents and Cole. It was a show we were used to acting, and he was clearly going for the Academy Award.

  But it was time for me to do what felt right.

  “Fine,” I answered, childishly giving him a taste of his own medicine. I didn’t bother asking him about his couple of days without me.

  He gave me a strange look, but I ignored it. He stepped away from my parents and Madi. “How’s Kaylee doing?” he asked.

  I lowered my voice so Madi wouldn’t overhear. “She looks like hell but she’ll be okay.”

  He shook his head. “Can we go see her?”

  Cole cleared his throat, and both John and I turned toward him. “I should, uh, go.”

  “Yeah,” John said. “Probably just family needs to be here for now.”

  “Don’t be rude,” I said to John.

  I turned to Cole, and I felt John’s eyes boring into me. “You’re welcome to stay, but we’re fine if you need to go. I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done to get me here.”

  “Don’t thank me. I’m glad you could be with your family. They need you.”

  His eyes told the rest of the story, the words he couldn’t voice. He wanted to stay to be with me, and John’s presence only served to prove how much I’d come to rely on Cole.

  “I’ll walk you out,” I said.

  John shot me a look. “He’s a big boy. He can find his way.”

  “Your husband’s right,” Cole said thickly. “I’ll make sure your luggage gets back to your apartment. See you Monday.” He said goodbye to my parents and Madi, cast one last look in my direction, and headed toward the elevators, taking my heart along with him.

  “We’re going in,” John announced to my parents, avoiding mentioning my sister’s name in front of Madi. They nodded and I led him back the way I’d just come from.

  As soon as we were on the other side of the double doors, he grabbed my arm.

  “What the fuck is going on between you and him?” he hissed.

  I’d never seen him so mad. A tiny piece of my heart felt triumphant. It was nice to see some emotion out of him for a change.

  “Nothing.”

  “Why were you in the same hotel room as him?”

  “We were forced to stay together, and I’m shocked you tore yourself away from w
ork or the constant screens you’re always staring at to give a fuck,” I retorted.

  “I get paid to look at screens. Do you get paid to sleep with your boss?” He let go of my arm and started walking down the hallway, and all I could do was stare after him, totally hurt by his comment—but not entirely shocked by it.

  I power-walked to catch up to him. “You can’t just say something like that to me and walk away.”

  “Oh? But you can stay in the same goddamn hotel room as your boss and that’s okay?”

  A nurse glared at us from behind her work station.

  “John, lower your voice. The room was a mix-up.”

  He lowered his voice to that same hiss he’d directed toward me earlier. “Some mix-up when you can’t be bothered to answer your cell phone but your boss answers the hotel room phone sounding awfully out of breath.”

  An elderly man in a hospital gown pushing an IV stand on wheels walked past us. I smiled genially at the man before looking back at John, who wouldn’t look me in the eye. “It’s nice that you finally want to talk, but this isn’t the place for this conversation.”

  John blew out a frustrated sigh. “You’re right. I’m sorry. Let’s see Kaylee and then we’ll go home and figure things out.”

  “Probably not. We’re taking Madi home.”

  “Dammit,” he muttered. I shot him a look, and he backed down. “It’s fine. I’m just worked up with some things at the office and I’m worried about Kaylee and Kevin.”

  I reached down and grabbed his hand out of habit. “I am, too.”

  He pressed his lips together and then we entered Kaylee’s room, hand-in-hand—much like I’d entered the room not twenty minutes earlier…with a different man.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  “Bubblegum and then cookie dough.”

  “Not vanilla?” I asked.

  Madi giggled. “Noooooo! Vanilla is the worst!”

  “What if they don’t have bubblegum?”

  “Then I’ll get cookie dough, silly!”

  John was silent as he drove us to the ice cream shop at Madi’s request. With her parents suffering in the hospital, she deserved some ice cream for dinner. And so did I.

  I made small talk with my niece, and she was as bubbly as ever. She knew something was going on, but my parents had done a good job of protecting her from seeing her mom and dad in such horrible shape. Even though Madi was her normal, sweet self, she still missed her parents. It wouldn’t be long before she started asking questions.

  And she shouldn’t eat ice cream for dinner more than one night. I was such a pushover I’d probably let it slide.

  We’d just placed our orders when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. When I glanced covertly at the screen, I saw I had a new text message from Cole.

  My heart skipped a beat and I felt the heat creep up my neck and into my cheeks.

  I opened it while John paid, but it was lengthy—too lengthy to read quickly without getting caught. I stuck my phone back in my pocket and searched for some reason to check it.

  “I need to run to the little girls’ room,” I said as we waited for our order.

  “We’ll grab a table, but if the ice cream comes while you’re gone, we can’t guarantee yours will be safe,” John teased.

  “I’m gonna eat it all!” Madi sang.

  “You better not, missy!” I mock-hurried to the bathroom. As soon as the door clicked shut, I pulled out my phone.

  I miss you. That’s crazy. I just saw you a couple of hours ago. I don’t know if it’s okay to send you this. Delete it if you need to. I never thought I’d get caught in the middle of someone’s marriage. I respect marriage. I respect your commitment. But something’s broken there if you’re interested in me. I’ll step back if that’s what you need, but when you kiss me, I think what you need is me.

  I had no idea how to respond to that.

  I read it again, and then a third time. I processed his words. He missed me, and that sent a bolt of excitement through my chest. I contemplated how to respond, and finally I typed out a quick text. I miss you, too. We need to talk, but I’ve got Madi tonight. You’re right, though. About all of it. What I need isn’t what I have anymore.

  I stared at the screen for a few extra seconds, reading my words over and over again. There was so much more I wanted to say, but my husband was waiting for me right on the other side of the bathroom door. I needed to get back out there before anyone became suspicious.

  I sent the message, read his one more time, deleted both messages, and stuck my phone in my pocket before heading back to my husband and my niece.

  Later that night, after I’d put Madi to bed in our guest room and unpacked my suitcase, I lay in bed with a full stomach and a giant wedge between John and me.

  He was doing something on his iPad when I got in bed beside him. Sharing a bed with someone who I realized I didn’t really like all that much anymore seemed odd. I turned out my light and pulled the covers over me, flipping away from John without saying anything.

  “No reading tonight?” he asked quietly.

  “Too tired. Goodnight.” I added that last part to give him the hint that I wasn’t interested in conversation, but he apparently didn’t take the bait.

  “What were you really doing in the same hotel room as your boss?”

  I rolled my eyes even though he couldn’t see my face. “We’ve been over this.”

  “Go over it again for me.”

  “Why do you even care? You haven’t even looked in my direction in months, and now you suddenly need every detail?” I still faced away from him as I spoke.

  “Because you’re my wife, Lucy. That’s why.”

  I sighed as I turned toward him. “There was a mix-up. I booked two rooms, but when we got there, they only had one on the confirmation. The hotel was completely booked, and the closest hotel in New York traffic would’ve made it a huge hassle to get back and forth to the conference. Cole had a suite with two rooms, so we just shared it.”

  “And that’s all that happened?”

  My chest shuddered as my heart skipped a beat.

  Adrenaline coursed through my veins.

  This was my chance.

  He was asking all the right questions. He was suspicious. This was my out—my way to tell him the truth.

  But we were in bed after a very taxing day, and Madi was in the room just down the hall. My sister was in the hospital and I didn’t even know if my brother-in-law was going to live to see another day, to see his daughter again, to kiss his wife again.

  I chickened out.

  Maybe all of those things should’ve pushed me to tell him the truth—after all, life could be cut short when we least expected it. It was far too short to waste time with the things that didn’t truly make me happy.

  “Yeah. That’s it.”

  He stared at me for a long moment as if trying to determine whether I was telling the truth or lying. I forced my face into a smooth mask, and eventually he nodded and turned back to his screen.

  “Goodnight,” he said.

  I flipped back the other way without responding and closed my eyes, but my mind was suddenly wide awake. I forced my breathing to even out so he’d think I was asleep.

  I needed to talk to Cole, but I couldn’t do it with John awake beside me. I needed to tell him that I felt the same way he did, that I wanted to be with him. That I wanted to leave my husband.

  I needed him to calm the thundering ache between my legs.

  I wished it was him beside me in this bed instead of my husband.

  I waited for John to finish whatever he was doing. He eventually switched off his bedside lamp, and I waited until I heard his familiar, soft snore. It was the snore I’d listened to hundreds of times because he almost always fell asleep before me.

  It always annoyed me, listening to that snore while I tried to fall asleep.

  But tonight it was a snore that meant I could get out of bed, grab my phone, and creep quietly to our home office.<
br />
  It was a snore that gave me a chance to talk to the man who’d recently planted roots in my mind and my heart.

  I was suddenly grateful for the snore I’d spent so much time lying beside and resenting.

  I closed the door to the office behind me, praying Madi would stay asleep and praying even harder that John would stay asleep.

  I didn’t turn on the big overhead light in the room. Instead, I flicked on the tiny lamp we kept on the desk. The soft glow set an intimate vibe for the phone call I knew I shouldn’t make.

  This was one of those calls that could change everything. It was one thing to be tempted because we shared the same hotel room. But now I was going out of my way to make contact with Cole while my husband slept soundly just a few rooms away.

  I walked around the desk and sat in the leather chair that I’d insisted we buy back when we’d been decorating the office. I’d always wanted a big, comfy chair behind a huge desk, and I loved how our home office had turned out.

  I wondered for one brief moment if I’d end up with this chair after John and I split.

  It was that moment I realized I hadn’t actually voiced the big “D” word in my head yet. I’d thought about leaving him, or separating, or splitting…but “divorce” was such a serious word.

  But it was what I was going to have to do to get to where I wanted to be—where I needed to be.

  It was just after eleven, and I wondered if it was too late to call. But this was my one shot to talk to him before Monday, and that was still two whole days away. I’d drive myself mad until then.

  I pressed the call button before I lost my nerve.

  “Lucy.” He answered in a husky growl on the first ring. The sound of my first name rolling off his tongue sent a shockwave of desire through my body.

  “Cole,” I whispered.

  We were both quiet for a few exquisite seconds.

  “I miss you,” he said quietly, breaking the silence.

  My heart raced. “I miss you, too.” It was strange how much I did.

  “I have a confession.”

  “What?”

  “You know that night I drank too much in New York?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” I whispered.