Don't Be Afraid

by C. A. Harms

  Chapter 24

  Gage

  “How are you holding up?” I looked up just as Dalton, a friend and fellow firefighter, sat in the chair next to mine. I’d been watching a sitcom yet I didn’t know a damn thing that had taken place.

  “I’m good.” It was what I said every time anyone asked. I didn’t have time to break; I had to stay strong.

  In the weeks since Patrick passed, things had grown a little less tense around the Cooper home. Sawyer still didn’t like that I’d refused to go home yet, but I still thought staying was for the best. It was bad enough I’d gone back to work and couldn’t be with Sawyer and Abby every night. Those nights were the hardest, but Willow filled in when I couldn’t be there.

  “You know that’s what everyone says when they’re anything but okay, right?”

  I focused on the television, still missing everything that unfolded on the screen. It was like tunnel vision, but even then I couldn’t tune him out. My leg began to bounce anxiously, almost on impulse, as I tried to hold my shit together.

  “I’m good,” I repeated. “I have to be.”

  I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and turned to him as he leaned over and placed his elbows on his knees, staring down at the floor in uneasiness. “I lost my brother when I was twelve. He was fifteen and he’d been my best friend since I think the day I was born. We did everything together.” My chest tightened painfully. “He went with a friend to ride four-wheelers and there was an accident. They say his death was instant, but that day I felt like a part of me died with him. I know your situation is different, but we both still lost a brother. You and Pat were brothers, even though you weren’t related.”

  “He was my brother,” I agreed, “in every way that mattered.”

  “You’ve held your shit together, Gage, every day. I’ve watched how you’ve kept your feelings hidden for the sake of others. You’ve guarded Sawyer and Abigail, making sure they get everything they need, but you also need to remember that you need to grieve too.”

  “You don’t think I know that?” That ache inside me grew again, almost to the point of controlling me. “I’ve grieved, Dalton, every fucking time I walk inside his house. Every time I see his wife and his daughter, I grieve for him.”

  “But you need to grieve for you.” I squinted at him in confusion. “You need to let go of all that anger and hate before you explode. Believe me, I know, though a twelve-year-old may handle things differently than a twenty-eight-year-old man, but the point is the same: you need to break.”

  He was right, but Sawyer and Abigail came first, and for them I’d be strong.

  Before I could get into it any further, the alarm sounded and our intense conversation was quickly forgotten.

  “You, little angel, are brutal.” I held my breath as I moved the dirty diaper to the side of the changing table before sliding a clean one beneath Abby. I was becoming a seasoned pro at diaper-changing. A quick shake of the powder and then good as new. “Someone as tiny as you shouldn’t smell so lethal.”

  I fastened the last strap of her diaper and heard a muffled giggle from the doorway. My eyes locked on Sawyer’s and for a few silent seconds I took in her smile, which I hadn’t seen much over the last month. However, with each day since our heated conversation on the back porch, she was coming around a little more. I’d still find her crying at times and I’d leave her to her tears. It was good for her to feel and not hide.

  Yeah, call me a hypocrite.

  “You think this is funny, do ya?”

  “Oh yes.” Sawyer’s smile widened. “A full-grown man, all tough and indestructible, falls at the feet of an infant.”

  “An infant that shits like a full-grown man.”

  “That’s nasty,” she said, wrinkling her nose.

  “Tell me about it.” I tried to refrain from breathing through my nose. “I think she saves the best ones for the times she knows I’ll be handling them. What do you feed this kid anyway?”

  “Breast milk,” she said, still smiling wide.

  “Well, then that”—I pointed to the dirty diaper—”is all your fault.” I scooped up Abigail and snuggled her in close to my chest as I moved to the door. “So I’ll take the cuteness and we’ll leave you to handle the disposal of that offensive thing.”

  She narrowed her eyes and I chuckled as I moved from the room, smiling down at the cooing one-month-old angel in my arms.

  Just as I reached the landing there was a loud knock on the door.

  Perry and Luann had been coming over every Sunday to spend time with Abigail. The idea was to get Sawyer out of the house for a few hours, though for the last few attempts, she’d chosen to stay right here. But today that would change, even if it meant I would be carrying her ass to my Tahoe and tying her to the seat.

  I opened the door and received a smile from two people who felt almost like a second set of parents. “Sure, you all waited until I changed the nastiest diaper in the history of diapers before you showed up.”

  Perry chuckled and pointed to Luann. “She does the diapers, Grandpa just does the cuddles.”

  I offered Abby to him because he was almost vibrating with the need to hold her. Seeing Perry practically fall apart at just the sight of Abigail made my chest ache. The way he watched her with his eyes shining with unshed tears told me he’d seen the same thing I did each time I looked at her.

  Patrick.

  She had his hair, his nose, the same shape of eyes; it was all there.

  “She looks more like him each time I see her,” he whispered, though I’m not sure he was speaking to anyone in particular. “That dimple,” he added as he placed his fingertip against her cheek and slowly traced over the space he was referring to. “Even though he’s not here in physical form, my boy is still here within her.”

  Fuck, that was like a punch to the gut.

  “Yes, he is,” Luann said as she leaned in and rested her head on Perry’s shoulder. “He’s still here with all of us.”

  Chapter 25

  Sawyer

  “Can’t we just pick it up and head back home to eat?” I trailed behind a persistent Gage, knowing arguing would get me nowhere, but trying nonetheless. “We could even grab something for Luann and Perry.”

  “They ate before they came over.” He didn’t even turn around to look at me. Stubborn man. I swear he only got more stubborn with each day. “And we’ll be eating here.” He finally turned to face me when he held open the door to the café. “So scoot, and find us a table, woman.”

  I stopped a few feet away and crossed my arms over my chest, arching a brow.

  “You think that’s gonna work?” He actually chuckled. “I know you don’t want to create a scene and bring attention to yourself. I also know you aren’t going to argue.” He motioned toward the door and I fought a smile. He was so much like Patrick at times, it was scary.

  “You are such a brat,” I mumbled as I moved past him into the café.

  His chuckle deepened. “A brat?”

  “Yes,” I said as I sat in the booth in the farthest corner. “It was much better than calling you an ass.”

  “True.” Gage picked up the menu tucked behind the ketchup bottle and the napkin container. “So what are you in the mood for? Burgers?” He scanned over the items. “Please don’t say salad.”

  “What is wrong with salad?”

  “All Honor ever kept in the house were salads, fruits, and vegetables. I swear, I had to hide shit so she wouldn’t throw it away.” He finally looked back at me with the most serious expression. “I hate salad.”

  I couldn’t stop the laughter that spilled from my lips. It felt good to laugh, and it was becoming easier each day.

  “In that case, I think I’ll order the biggest salad they have.” I laughed again when he narrowed his eyes at me. When a waitress stepped up to our table, Gage just watched in silence and waited for me to order.

  “I think I’ll take a house salad with ranch.” I giggled when he groaned, and
the girl just looked at him in confusion. “You might want to bring him one, too, because he loves salad.” His eyes widened just a fraction, though I didn’t give him time to argue before I moved on. “I’ll also take a bacon cheeseburger, no pink, with a side of chili-cheese fries and a Coke to drink.”

  “And for you, sir?”

  “I’ll have the same, only make my burger a double, with everything, and hold the salad.”

  For a split second the waitress looked confused, then she nodded and turned to walk back to the kitchen.

  “You, Sawyer, are a bigger smart-ass than I ever gave you credit for.”

  I shrugged because there was no point in denying it. Before Patrick’s death, I was always the one to keep things interesting. When I saw a moment where I could be silly, I went for it.

  I tried my best to enjoy my lunch, though a part of me felt guilty for it. But I understood that Patrick wouldn’t want me to feel that way.

  Gage and I quickly got lost in conversation, and it was the first time in longer than I could remember that I didn’t feel like the world was closing in around me. I was comfortable with Gage. The friendship we’d developed was the one thing keeping me above water. He refused to let me fall into that darkness that I knew lingered for both of us. I realized getting out of the house, if even only for a few hours, was in fact a good thing.

  “Wow.”

  At the sound of a voice, we stopped midconversation and turned to the side of the booth to find Honor standing there in her pointy high heels, with her perfectly styled hair. Her long nails were bright red, matching her lipstick. But behind that beauty was a nasty, hateful woman.

  “I’m surprised to see the two of you out together looking all cozy.”

  “Why?” Gage asked. “Because two close friends can’t go out and have lunch together?”

  “Just seems odd is all.”

  I arched my brow and stared back at Honor as if she’d lost her mind. Or maybe my expression could be better described as saying, Who the fuck do you think you are?

  “What seems odd is that you even took the time to walk over and make your presence known.” I wondered if I’d said those words out loud, and when they turned their heads to look at me, I knew I had.

  Gage had a proud expression, and Honor, well, not so much.

  With a hmph and a wrinkle of her nose, she pivoted and walked out of the café, shaking her ass a little too much in my opinion.

  “Feisty too,” Gage added with a laugh, then lifted his burger to his mouth and took a large bite.

  “How in the hell did you ever put up with that woman for as long as you did?”

  “Why do you think I was always at your house so much?” he mumbled around a mouthful of burger. “You and Pat kept me sane during all those years of torture.”

  I wanted to laugh, but his serious expression had me second-guessing that urge. He either wasn’t kidding or he was really good at acting.

  The drive home was peaceful, and the sound of Gage singing along with the radio was soothing. His deep baritone mixed with that Southern twang made me feel like I’d been wrapped in a safety blanket.

  I felt lucky to have him in my life. Although I’d fought him and pushed him to the point where I felt like I was going to explode, he still stood by me. He’d made me realize I wasn’t alone in this. Together we were able to mourn Patrick’s loss, and I knew without a doubt that Gage was the one person who wouldn’t try to fix me, or make me feel as if I was being ridiculous when I hit the low moments. Instead, he was by my side, falling apart with me.

  As we turned up the lane that led to the house Patrick and I had bought with a lifetime in mind, my sense of peace only grew. I then realized what Gage had said held truth. It would grow easier to think of the man I would always love without feeling as if my chest was being ripped open.

  I smiled at the memory of when Patrick and I first drove up this driveway, pulling a large trailer that held what little furniture we had. It was our beginning, and even though he was no longer here by my side to share my days, I still felt as if he was in some way.

  When we entered the house, my smile grew even wider when I heard Perry baby-talking with Abby. His deep gruff voice telling her about how sweet her “widdle button nose” was, was one of the cutest things I’d ever heard. I looked to my left to find Gage beaming too.

  “That man is sunk,” he said, trying to hold back his laughter. “She is gonna break a lot of hearts over the years. I hope you’re prepared to handle the backlash.”

  “Nah,” I murmured, “I’ll just direct them to Uncle Gage. You can take care of it all.”

  For a split second a sense of ownership flashed in his eyes. “Damn right Uncle Gage will take care of it.” He squared his shoulders and held his head higher. “That little girl and her momma will always have me here to fix whatever’s wrong, and trying my hardest to fix even the things that may be impossible.”

  A few silent moments passed between us as we stared at one another, just before Luann’s voice echoed down the hall, breaking the trance.

  “I thought I heard the two of you come in. How was lunch?” She pulled me in for a big hug just as she has always did.

  “It was good, thank you.”

  She looked over my face slowly and I felt a little uneasy until she spoke. “That smile of yours was always his weakness, and he was right.” I tilted my head to the side, confused. “It does make everything seem as if it’ll be okay.”

  My heart ached all over again, but this time it wasn’t with crippling devastation but with happiness.

  My time with Patrick was short, but it was powerful. Each time someone shared a memory about him or something he’d said about me or the love we shared, it gave me peace. Because I knew that even though I didn’t get forever with him, our love was real and he knew how much I adored him. Patrick gave me so much in such a small window of time that I would always be thankful for what we were able to share. He’d been the one to show me that I was full of so much love that the world needed to see it. He gave me hope, and even after he was gone, he still found his way into the moments I needed him most.

  “Thank you,” I whispered to Luann, and her eyes shined with unshed tears as she nodded. She knew what I was thanking her for without even needing to ask.

  Chapter 26

  Gage

  I’d lost track of just how long I’d been sitting on the ground near Patrick’s grave, listening to the leaves rustle. I came here often, more often than I shared with others. It was my time with Patrick; my chance to share my fears, or my dreams.

  The guilt I’d been feeling for the time I’d been allowed to spend with Sawyer and Abigail had been lying especially heavy on me today because he should be the one here with them. It was the three-month anniversary of the day we said goodbye. The day he closed his eyes and faded slowly before us.

  Fuck, I felt like I was being stabbed in the chest as I stared at his headstone.

  Loving husband, father, son, and friend. Remembered by his family always.

  I left the cemetery feeling no less sad as I drove back into town. I’d told Sawyer I’d be over later, only I couldn’t seem to bring myself to go there. Last night I stood in the doorway of Abigail’s bedroom and watched as Sawyer sat on the floor with Abby lying on a towel before her. Abby waved her tiny legs and arms as her coos and little grunts mixed with Sawyer’s laughter. Gently she rubbed lotion over Abby’s body before putting her in her pajamas and lifting her from the floor to hold her close to her chest. She pressed a soft kiss to her forehead and whispered, “I love you, sweet girl.”

  As I watched this beautiful moment, it pulled at my heart and something changed. Or maybe I should categorize it as having a revelation, because I realized I was feeling things for Sawyer that I had no right to feel. It terrified me and made me feel like a worthless friend.

  I left, but instead of going to my apartment, I drove to the one place where I’d find two of the most supportive people I’ve ever known. />
  I smiled when I pulled into the driveway and saw my mother sitting on the front porch reading. A retired English teacher, she still held such a powerful love for books. She loved holding them so much that she’d thought I was insane when I offered to buy her a Kindle.

  At the sound of my car door shutting, she looked up and her face lit up with that smile that still made me feel like a kid. “There’s the most handsome man in Alabama come to see his momma.”

  “You should know by now that I can’t stay away from my favorite place. Everything is always better here.”

  “Now you’re just trying to make your mother feel good.”

  I reached the landing and moved to her, offering a big hug. “I mean it, Ma.”

  As I pulled back and took a seat on the chair opposite hers, she watched me carefully. I was sure she’d mapped out the trouble written all over my face. She’d always had a way of seeing right through me when I was feeling down.

  “Tell me all about it,” she insisted, “so then I can get to work on fixing whatever my boy is worrying over.”

  “I’m not sure if I want you to know the things going through my mind. It may change your opinion of the man you raised.”

  “Never,” she said without hesitation. “You’ve always worn your heart on your sleeve, Gage. You’ve always held everyone up and taken care of those around you. You’re a guardian, ready to do all he can to make things right. I know whatever it is that has you mixed up, it’s nothing you intended to do.”

  “Even if I tell you that….” I paused because I still wasn’t sure what I was feeling. My mother didn’t speak, but waited for me to find the right words. “He trusted me to take care of them, to watch over them,” I continued, hanging my head, feeling not just ashamed but afraid of what I’d see on her face if I looked up. “He never told me to fall for her.”

  “Is that what you’ve done?”