Don't Be Afraid

by C. A. Harms

  As I sat giving Abby her formula, I found myself again staring at the envelope. Part of me knew whatever it held would most likely bring me to my knees, and that part wanted to avoid the contents. But I knew I couldn’t ignore it forever.

  Gage flashed into my mind and for an instant I felt the urge to call him, but it quickly passed. I could do this. It was just another step in the direction I needed to lead myself to stand tall and strong on my own two feet.

  I avoided the large manila envelope for the morning, choosing to spend it happy with my daughter. We sat on the porch snuggled beneath a blanket as I rocked her and told her stories about her daddy. I knew she didn’t understand, but that never stopped me from telling her. It was more for me, but she seemed to enjoy the sound of my voice nonetheless.

  Even long after she’d fallen asleep, I continued to talk as if she was listening. I was stalling, I knew that, but I just needed a few more minutes.

  When my arm started to ache from staying in the same position for so long, I stood and carried her toward the back door. As I stepped inside, my eyes immediately shifted toward the counter, and there, almost as if it was reaching out for me, sat the envelope.

  I moved past it and took my time putting Abigail to bed before I returned to the counter. I took one deep breath after another, then reached out and without a second to change my mind, I tore open the edge and pulled out the contents.

  With each word I read, my heart raced faster. My hands shook and tears began to fall heavily.

  Please accept our deepest condolences on your loss of such a great man. His bright smile and kind heart will be forever missed. Enclosed you will find the check paid in full for Patrick’s life insurance policy payable to you as his beneficiary.

  Again, we are so very sorry for your loss.

  I could barely see the words through my tears as I turned the page and saw a second page, which had a perforated section with a check attached at the bottom. The ground felt as if it shifted beneath my feet and my legs grew weak.

  “Oh Patrick,” I whispered hoarsely, clutching the letter to my chest as I leaned against the counter for support. I closed my eyes and tilted my head up as I again let the tears fall freely. “I miss you so much.” That didn’t even begin to describe how I felt.

  I’d give anything to have him back, right here next to me. I’d give up everything I owned to share just one more day in his arms. Seeing his smile or sharing his laugh would be worth it.

  Even though he was no longer here to protect me, he’d still made sure I’d have protection in his absence.

  Chapter 30

  Gage

  “What do you mean you’re leaving?” My mother was by far one of the kindest, gentlest women in the whole state of Alabama. That was until someone did or told her something she didn’t quite agree with. Then they’d need to prepare for the fire hidden inside her.

  “I’m going to Arizona, just for—”

  “The hell you are.” She uncrossed her arms and took a step toward me. “You’re keeping your ass right here in this fine city of Tuscaloosa. Don’t think you’re too old and big for me to beat.”

  I chuckled as I hooked my arms around her shoulders, pulling her in close.

  “I volunteered, Ma.” She fought against me to loosen my grip. “It’s only for a month.”

  “A month too long.”

  She was as stubborn as I was.

  “I need to get away, for just a little bit and clear my head.” I’d tried, but my feelings for Sawyer had only grown stronger. Hell, everywhere I looked, I saw or heard something that made me think of her. Which only led to me feeling like the scumbag Honor accused me of being.

  “I’ve already cleared it through the captain and I’ve got enough time saved up to take off.” Her body sagged as she gave up the fight. “I need this, Ma.”

  “What you need is to stop acting like those feelings you have are wrong.” My body tensed, though I tried to act as though her insinuation didn’t affect me. “You aren’t a guy who targets helpless women. You can run away, you can try to ignore what you’re feeling, but damn it, Gage, you can’t just make it disappear.”

  “Mom.”

  “You go,” she said as she pushed against me, and this time I allowed it. Looking up at me, she offered a smile, though I knew it didn’t reflect her true feelings. “Clear your head and come back here, to Alabama, with a clear conscience.” She lifted up onto her tiptoes and pressed a kiss to my cheek. “But know this”—her eyes again locked with mine—”if you come back still battling this nonsense, I will knock it right out of you.”

  I could have gone into all the things I was feeling, denying what she’d said, but what was the point? Honestly, this woman knew me better than anyone else.

  “I will,” I assured her as I hugged her close and hoped I could do as she insisted.

  “Before you go, you need to pay a visit to that girl.” My mother moved away from me and lifted the pot of coffee only a few feet away to freshen her cup. “I didn’t raise you to be a coward and I know that leaving without saying a word to her is the easy way out.”

  I nodded as my nervousness grew.

  I lifted my hand three damn times to knock, yet each time I stopped.

  There I stood on Sawyer’s front porch, a place I’d been to more than a hundred times, yet I couldn’t bring myself to knock.

  I spun at the sound of tires crunching against the gravel just as Perry’s truck slowed to a stop next to mine. He climbed out and approached with a solemn expression.

  “Hey, son.” His greeting made me feel guilty all over again. I knew he’d feel different about calling me that had he known the things rolling around in my mind. “Willow call you too?” Perry stopped a couple of feet in front of me and looked toward the front door. “How’s she doing?”

  “Willow?”

  He offered me a lift of his brow as he pointed toward the door. “No, Sawyer.”

  “I haven’t been inside yet. I actually just got here.” Okay, that was a lie. I’d been standing on this damn porch for five minutes or more. “Wait. Why did Willow call me?”

  The front door opened and there stood Sawyer. Her eyes were red and swollen, and though it was two in the afternoon, she was wearing pajamas. She didn’t even seem to register I was there as she moved into Perry’s arms.

  “I don’t think I can do this.” Her words were muffled, yet I could hear her clearly. “Every time I think I’m okay, like maybe today will be a better one, something happens and I’m right back to that same dark place.”

  “You can do this,” Perry assured her as his eyes locked on mine over Sawyer’s shoulder. “You’re not alone, Sawyer, never alone.”

  I didn’t think he was actually directing those words toward me, referring to my absence, but my conscience took the hit. The sound of Abigail crying had my feet moving before my mind could stop them, and I took the stairs two at a time until I reached the top landing.

  I found her in her crib, her little fists rubbing at her tired eyes.

  “She hasn’t slept. She’s crying all the time and I don’t know what to do to soothe her,” Sawyer said behind me, walking closer. “It’s almost like she knows I can’t do it too.”

  Abby lay her head on my shoulder when I picked her up, and her tears and slobber soaked through my T-shirt. “It’s okay, baby,” I whispered near her ear as I rocked from side to side. “Sh,” I soothed as I rubbed my hand over her back. “Everything’s okay, sweet girl.”

  Her crying faded, yet she continued to sniffle, and when she did, her little body shook. I smiled when she nuzzled her head against the crook of my neck and her tiny hand fisted my collar.

  “I got you,” I assured her, continuing to rock her while holding her close. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  Silence set in and I peered back over my shoulder to find Perry and Sawyer in the doorway. Perry smiled in awe as he looked at his granddaughter in my arms, and Sawyer stared directly into my eyes, as if she wanted to
say something but chose to remain silent. That look made my heart ache.

  “Let’s go wait downstairs.” Perry tried to move Sawyer from the doorway, but she shook her head. “You need your rest too. Gage has Abby.”

  “Until when, the next time he decides to disappear without so much as a phone call?” The hurt in her eyes gutted me. “You’re right,” she said quickly, like she was trying to erase what she’d just said. “I do need to sleep.”

  She turned and left as Perry and I stared after her.

  I didn’t want to let go of Abigail, because she was like a tiny human buffer between me and a serious-looking grandpa who was now eyeing me with curiosity. The longer we stood there, the more I realized I’d have to somehow get myself out of this mess. Perry and Luann were like family. I’d grown up between their house and mine, and the last thing I want was to disappoint either of them.

  “You wanna explain what that was about?”

  I turned my back to him and eased Abigail into her crib, then placed her blanket securely around her. I stood tall and pressed my palm to her stomach, focusing on the rise and fall of each breath she took. It calmed my racing heart.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered without turning to face him. I couldn’t look into his eyes when I confessed my wrongs. “I never meant to feel this way.”

  “What are you talking about?” Perry seemed closer this time, though he still whispered.

  “I was just supposed to watch over them, make sure they had everything they needed. He told me to protect them, but he didn’t tell me to….” I couldn’t get the words to form. Hell, my chest felt so unbelievably tight, I’d swear I was on the verge of a panic attack.

  Perry placed his hand on my shoulder and gave it a firm squeeze. “I don’t know what’s going on, Gage, but you need to talk to me, son.” There that word was again, and before all this, before the loss of Patrick, I’d have felt blessed to have him refer to me that way. But now it only made my pain grow.

  “I’m sorry,” I said as I turned to face him, avoiding eye contact. “I can’t do this.”

  I left the room and again took the stairs two and a time. When I reached the front door, I paused for only a second as I thought of what Sawyer had said.

  “Until when, the next time he decides to disappear without so much as a phone call?”

  She didn’t deserve this, which was why I’d made the choice to free her from me. My ex-wife was right, I should feel ashamed.

  Nine months later

  Chapter 31

  Sawyer

  “Were you able to stop and pick up the balloons?” I nestled the phone between my cheek and shoulder as I spread the pink icing over the final six cupcakes.

  “Yes,” Willow said with a laugh. “And the tablecloths and the streamers, plus the ice cream and the—”

  “I get it.” It was my turn to laugh. “I’m being a nag.”

  “No, you’re just being a mommy who wants her daughter’s first birthday to be perfect.”

  That’s exactly what I wanted.

  The last year hadn’t been easy. I’d had a lot of ups and downs, and dark times had outweighed the bright ones. But I owed almost all of those bright moments to my sweet girl. If not for her holding me up over the last twelve months, I’d be completely lost.

  Then there was Willow, who I’d grown quite close to, and Emma, my best friend from high school who I’d recently reconnected with. She’d tried a few times to get me out after Patrick’s death, lunch here and dinner here, but I had to come around in my own time.

  It helped that I had so many people who refused to let me fall. They stood by me through the good and the bad, and though I tried to resist their help, they gave it anyway. Now two days a week I’d go to church with Willow and we’d share our grief with others who’d lost someone they loved, either with or without warning. Because even when someone knows it’s coming, it’s still the hardest thing to face. No one can ever be truly prepared for a world where their loved ones no longer physically existed.

  Yet throughout all the ups and downs, I still felt like something was missing—or more like someone.

  “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes to help set up,” Willow assured me before saying a quick goodbye and ending the call, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

  Gage had volunteered to go to Arizona nine months ago to help rebuild a church an arsonist had burned to the ground. It just showed he was the kind of man who always looked for ways to help those in need. He was meant to be there for only a month, but he had yet to return.

  Something had changed in him, and one day he just stopped being that shoulder I could cry on. I blamed myself for his distance because it wasn’t fair that Patrick had put pressure on him to take care of Abigail and me, and it wasn’t fair that I took his help so easily. In the end, all I’d managed to do was lose another man who’d meant so very much to me. A man I trusted as much as Patrick.

  I missed him. I missed the way he made me laugh even when I’d felt there was nothing to truly be happy about. I even missed the way he’d challenged and irritated me when he tried to tell me what he thought was best for me. I missed arguing with him too. I know that sounds unbelievably ridiculous, but I did. I’d wished so many times that I could go back and repair the distance that had developed between us.

  “Where is our sweet little grandbaby?” Luann singsonged as she rushed through the front door. That was followed by the cutest little giggle just before Abigail barreled into the kitchen and her diapered bottom collided with the floor.

  She’d started walking only a week ago and was still unsteady. On most occasions her upper body got ahead of her feet and she’d fall to her knees. That of course only led to her crawling the rest of the distance she wanted to go faster than the speed of light. She’d grown into such a happy girl, fun and full of so much energy it made my head spin at times, but I loved every minute of it.

  “You think you can escape Grandpa?” I turned around just in time to see Perry snatch her up as her little legs moved a mile a minute. His face moved in toward her belly and the room filled with the sounds of him blowing raspberries against it and her giggling.

  “Something smells amazing in here.” Luann slipped up to my side and leaned closer to give me a one-armed hug. “What can I help you with?”

  “Barbecue is ready. Just need to move it all to the dining room, and Willow should be here anytime with the tablecloths and the rest of the decorations.”

  Everything moved quickly after that. I had Patrick’s parents and sister racing around, and Rachel organizing the food table while she snuck Abigail treats when she thought I wasn’t looking. Normally the idea of her being hyped up on sugar would terrify me, but I figured with no nap and a whole lot of party activities, it all may even itself out. If not, then I’d gladly stay up late and together we’d further exhaust ourselves.

  With each knock on the door or ring of the bell, I greeted those who came to share this day with Abby. They included people I’d met in the grief group as well as those I’d known since Patrick and I were married, and I felt blessed to have them here.

  I won’t lie, though. Each time the door opened, I’d hold my breath wishing for one specific person to be on the other side. As the party wrapped up and the guests said their goodbyes, I felt a pang of sadness that he hadn’t come.

  I’d grown so occupied with my thoughts that I squealed when a splash of something cold soaked the front of my shirt and jeans.

  “Oh damn.” Luann knelt beside me. “I had the hardest time tightening that lid and I thought I had it on right.”

  There I sat covered in apple juice in the center of the dining room floor as my little girl looked up at me with the biggest smile, and all I could do was laugh. “Is that funny?” I asked her as I held my shirt out from my now-soaked chest.

  Abby bounced up and down as if she’d just done something great.

  “I’ve got her. You go change,” Luann insisted.

  I hurried to my room, a
nd as I entered, I looked around at it, unable to hold back my smile. With my newfound acceptance of what my life was now, I hadn’t just found a way to move forward, but a way to soothe my pain. My room now resembled something from a home magazine.

  Redecorating was my new hobby. I’d found I had a knack for making something a little outdated and tarnished look beautiful again, so I’d redone the older, darker version of this room in bright colors. It wasn’t easy to give away Patrick’s things and donate his clothes to the church, but I knew he’d want them to go to someone who could use them. But Abby deserved to have a piece of her father, so I’d kept a couple boxes of his things. They were things I’m sure most would’ve just thrown away, but to me they were special. They included a note about something he’d jotted down to jog his memory later, written with that little swoop he used on the letter S and the strangest little curve he’d add when writing a W. I also kept the glasses he’d worn late in the evening after removing his contact lenses for the day.

  I quickly grabbed for a shirt in the closet and hopped on one leg through the room as I pulled off my wet jeans. Forgoing my usual method of pulling up a stepstool to reach the top shelf of the closet, I jumped up and down, doing my best to grab the jeans I had folded and placed there earlier.

  With one quick yank they tumbled down on me, along with a small box containing a handful of items I’d planned on going through when I had some time. They were things I’d found scattered throughout the room when I was redecorating, like papers from Patrick’s side of the dressers or his nightstand. I hadn’t really looked too close at them yet, thinking they were most likely old bank statements or bill stubs. Though they, too, contained meaningless scribbles to himself, the fact they were written in his hand made them feel like a weird little part of him I couldn’t give up yet. As the items spilled from the box and fell to the floor, I looked down, and one specific piece stuck out above all the others—a legal-sized envelope with writing on the front that caught my eye.