Letters to Lily (Letters to... #1)

by Christine M. Butler

  “Is that true, Sash?” I just ducked my head further behind Mason and refused to answer. I didn't stay quiet because I was afraid of the skank squad either. I stayed silent, because if he cared at all he should have noticed what was going on. I stayed quiet, because he never should have had to ask me if it was true.

  “Of course its true, you've even asked a couple times where Sasha ran off to when you finally look around long enough to realize she isn't there hanging off your coattails anymore man.” Mason was angry on my behalf, and it actually felt good to have someone in my corner pointing this stuff out, but it also made me feel rather pathetic too. Kade stood there, eyes traveling back and forth between Mason's fuming features, and my shamed face.

  “I get that the two of you have some really crazy long-term best friend thing going on or whatever it is, but hell, it's not fair to Sasha how you treat her. Other guys won't come around her because you snarl at them, but then you let your skanks y.” So we walked in silence for a bit before Mason asked the question I'd been anticipating for a while now. “Why do you put up with that?”

  “I don't know,” was my only answer. I thought for a moment, and then added. “Things went weird with our friendship at the end of the year last year in high school. They haven't been the same since, and I was just trying to figure out how to fix it while he was busy ignoring it. Hell, after hearing the way you put everything, maybe he was trying to finish our friendship off.” I shrugged. “The weird thing is you talked about him not noticing if I was in a room or gone most of the time. It never used to be like that. Any time either of us walked into a room, from the time we met, we knew. It was like radar or something. I still feel it when he's around, but apparently he's grown out of it.”

  “Yeah, I don't think that's the case. Did you guys hook up or something?”

  “Not even close,” I laughed.

  “Huh!”

  “What? Huh?”

  “I thought that was why he was being weird with you, because he really does work at scaring other guys away. I figured you were the one who kicked it back to the friend zone after a hook up or something.”

  I really did laugh then, because that was just crazy talk. By the time Mason walked me back to my apartment Kade was there, sitting on the steps waiting for me. “I got it from here, man,” he told Mason.

  “Are you okay?” Mason asked me to be sure.

  “I said I have it from here,” Kade repeated, but Mason didn't budge.

  “I'm fine, Mason. Thanks for everything today though.” When I looked up at the boy who was standing in front of me I was reminded again that he looked the part of a fallen angel. He looked like pure yummy sweetness wrapped in a mischievous package. His dark hair hung haphazardly in his bright blue eyes. His arms were a work of art that I wouldn't mind feeling wrapped around me again, and the look in his eyes as he stood there watching me was something I had rarely seen bestowed upon me by a guy. He looked enraptured.

  “I want you to go out on a date with me,” Mason said as his head dipped closer down towards mine. I was caught up in some sort of spell he was weaving around me in that moment, and I just nodded my head yes before he dipped in further and kissed my lips so sweetly and reverently that I thought I would melt into a puddle right there.

  “What the hell?” Kade was yelling as he pushed Mason away from me.

  “Doesn't feel to good to see that shit, does it?” Mason growled at Kade who was standing there, bowed up like he was ready to kill the other boy. “Imagine how she feels every time you stand there throwing that shit in her face, especially after those bitches just pushed her out of the way while you did nothing.” Mason's words were spoken softly, but he might as well have screamed them for all the venom they were laced with, and apparently they hit their target dead center, because Kade flinched back and the blood drained from his face.

  “I'll call you later, Sasha,” Mason tossed back over his shoulder as he started to walk away. I knew that was a lie, because I'd never given Mason my number, but I guess his point all along had been to give his idiot friend the shove he needed to show him I wouldn't always be around when he found me convenient.

  “Sasha,” Kade whispered as he watched my reaction to everything. “Why didn't you say something?”

  “Because I shouldn't have to,” I told him before I turned and walked up the stairs to my apartment. I think my words must have stunned him because I was almost at the third floor before he caught up with me.

  “Sasha, please, we need to talk.”

  “I'm pretty sure everything that needed to be said all ready was. Mason was pretty spot on with pretty much everything.”

  “You're not going to go out with him, are you?”

  I rounded on Kade then, so angry I could barely think straight. “What does it matter, Kade? You go out with a different girl almost every night. You have skanks hanging off of you every time I see you throughout the day. What does it matter to you if I go out on a legitimate date with a guy who actually appreciates having me around?” My hands were shaking, and he stood staring at me, stunned again. “You don't want to be any more than friends with me, and he was right today, you haven't even been a good friend lately. So, really, what do you care if I'm dating Mason or the whole damn school? It's not really your business.”

  I turned to put my key in the lock and open my door, but there was a hand on my arm spinning me back around before I could accomplish my goal of getting away.

  “It matters,” was his breathless response right before he kissed the ever-loving hell out of me.

  Maybe in someone else's life the love story would have started there, but no. I pushed him off of me and wiped my mouth off with the back of my hand. “Gross!” I growled out. “What the hell do you think you're doing?”

  “Gross?” He was as flummoxed as I was frustrated.

  “Yes, gross. You just had your tongue shoved down Skank three's mouth in the union and you think you're going to impress me by shoving it in mine next? I don't know what happened to the sweet boy I was friends with for all those years, but you are not him, and you need to go away right now.” I huffed out as I managed to unlock my door with shaky hands.

  Kade stood there, stock still, with obvious unshed tears shining in his eyes. “If you manage to find my Kade again, I'll be more than happy to talk to him. This person,” I flapped my hands in between us to indicate the person who stood there. “Is not someone I wish to talk to now or ever.” Then I walked in my apartment and shut him out of my life for the first time ever.

  Your Aunt Kristin was there. I hadn't known that before I entered the apartment. She was standing there in our living room, jaw agape, having heard every word, and if the bent up window blinds were any indication she'd seen everything there was to see too. Well, everything that happened once we were upstairs. “Did that just happen?” She asked me.

  “Yes, it did.”

  “I am pretty damn sure I missed a lot, so you're going to have to sit down and start from the beginning.” Kristin moved me over to the couch and I poured my heart out to her. I rehashed everything that happened, and she simply hugged me and told me she was proud of the fact that I had finally put him in his place.

  Well, I went to bed having those stupid prom nightmares after that, only in the end, he didn't just refuse to dance with me he said goodbye to me and we never spoke again. I had a rough two nights, because that whole seen took place on a Friday, and I didn't hear from Kade again until Monday. I figured he was out partying and celebrating the fact that he didn't have me in the way of his debauchery anymore.

  On Monday, during my first class, the door to the lecture hall banged open loudly and someone stepped inside yelling, “delivery for a Ms. Sasha Garrett!” He yelled it three times before the girl sitting next to me got my attention and pointed.

  About the same time I looked back at the delivery guy, my professor was fuming over his interrupted lecture. “Ms. Garrett, if you could please put an end to this invasion, the class
and I would be so grateful.”

  I stood with flaming red cheeks and walked to the back of the lecture hall to take the offering the man had for me. “The perfect flower, for the perfect girl,” the man said as he handed me a white lily whose tips bled out into a vibrant purple color. There was no doubt that the lily and the message was from, although the deliveryman never left a name or a card. Mason was actually in the class and I watched as he grinned and shook his head.

  I, of course, walked still red-faced and embarrassed back to my seat. The girl sitting next to me gushed as quietly as she could. “Oh my God, that was the sweetest thing ever. Who is it from?”

  I just shook my head and told her I didn't know. I mean, obviously I knew the importance of the lily, but I doubted Kade would care enough to set that up. At least that's what I thought until my next class rolled around, and another delivery showed up. As had happened in my last class a delivery guy interrupted things about 15 minutes into class, handed me another lily with the same message, and took off. Again there was no name, no card, just the symbolism from way back when my Kade was a sweet boy who won my heart without knowing it.

  After the third lily was handed to me in my third and final class of the day word must have spread about the ridiculous spectacles. Kristin was waiting for me outside of class and once again her jaw dropped when she saw the three lilies in my hand. “It's true?” She asked.

  “I guess so, if you mean a delivery guy has interrupted all of my classes and embarrassed me with the delivery of a flower, then yes.”

  “What did the notes with the flower say?”

  “There were no notes. Each delivery had the same verbal message. 'The perfect flower for the perfect girl.'”

  “Oh my God, they're from him?” She asked.

  I just shrugged my shoulders as we continued walking into the student union to grab our usual coffees before heading back to the apartment and getting started on whatever assignments we had to get done.

  “Did you doubt the message?” A bold, deep voice called out from just behind us. I turned to see Kade standing there with one more lily in his hand along with an envelope. “The perfect flower for the perfect girl,” he repeated the same message the delivery guys had been calling out to me all day. Then he handed me the lily. “The heart of a boy who has always loved the girl,” he said as he also handed me the white envelope he had in his other hand. As soon as I took it he smiled at me and then turned to leave.

  “Oh my God, what does it say?” Kristin asked as she reached for the envelope that I quickly snatched back out of her reach.

  “No, this is for me to read, alone.” I took it home to the apartment, and this is where my story began to turn into something else.

  ~*~

  Honey, do you want me to box that up to go for you?” Bernadette was at my table, a curious look on her face. When I looked around I realized quite a bit of time must have all ready passed. My food was on the cold side. I gave her a sheepish smile; “I suppose I do need a box now. Sorry, I got carried away.”

  “I could see that. I didn't want to disturb you, but it will be getting dark soon, and you shouldn't be walking alone in the dark.”

  “Thank you, I appreciate it.”

  “Did you get to finish?”

  “No, I was just getting to the happy part, but I will finish it at home. It might help stave off some nightmares tonight.”

  “I hope so, honey.”

  Once I'm home and tucked safely in my bed I pull out the box of things I've kept from Kade. I haven't actually been strong enough to look through the box since I moved from the apartment. Tonight, I have a reason to pull it out though. That letter, the one he gave me that changed everything between us, was inside the box. I tugged the white envelope out of the box and just admired it for a minute taking myself back to the moment I was able to get home on the day he had given it to me. The lilies sat beside my bed in a vase in all their gorgeous glory while I cracked the seal on the envelope that day. As I'm lost to the memories of the first time I read it, I do the same thing again.

  Hey Sweet Girl,

  I bet you think I've been out partying it up all weekend, huh? I would think it of me too. Jerk isn't a strong enough word to describe what I've been lately. It was kind of you to just say I hadn't been myself, and maybe I needed to hear that from someone who cares about me in order to snap me out of my own stupidity.

  The thing is, well hell, I guess this all started with prom and so now I have to go back there and actually man up and tell you some things before this can go any further. I bought two tickets to prom. One for you and one for me. I was trying to come up with a special way to ask you, and I watched as you shot down one guy after another. Hell, it confused me that the answer was always no. I expected to have to fight to take you. Then after a while I wondered if you were waiting for a specific someone and hell, I got my answer when Kristin walked up to us in the cafeteria that day and asked if “he had asked you to prom yet.” You shook your head and looked so disappointed. Actually, I think you turned a little green, but you looked around the cafeteria, at everyone but me. I figured you were looking for the guy in question, and I begged off and left before I made an ass out of myself. I'd been about to ask you in front of everyone.

  The next day I was out of time. It was prom and I had missed my chance to ask anyone else so I took Andrea. I had to give her your corsage so the thing didn't match her dress and she kept complaining about it all night too. When we showed up to pick you up, and you didn't actually have a date, I thought something was wrong, and even though you were going solo I thought you had agreed because the guy you were wanting to be there with was going. Every time I got ready to go ask you to dance Andrea would grab me and head for the dance floor. She was saying things like, “you're my date, stop trying to embarrass me and ruin my prom.” So, I never got to dance with you.

  When I watched you walk out of the hotel alone while we danced the last dance inside it was like a punch to the gut and as soon as I could pull away from Andrea I went after you. Kristin had realized about the same time that you were missing and we ended up watching you as you got in your mom's car and cried. Kristin hit me then, and told me what a dumb ass I was and that if I ever hurt you like that again she'd do horrible things to my manhood that don't bear repeating.

  I didn't understand. I hopped in the damn limo and made him drive me back home. Long story short, I watched you and your mom burn that beautiful dress that turned you into shimmering moonlight all night. I also heard every word that was said that night. After you went in your mom had a chat with me and basically told me I needed to decide if we were going to remain friends or be something else.

  I struggled all weekend with my own feelings and what I had heard you say, and I wanted nothing more than to ask you out then. Something kept stopping me though. The fact that you left mad, and never said a word to me. It kept kicking around in my head and my damn heart that if we tried to be a couple and it didn't work out that same thing would happen again - you leaving without a word. I couldn't stand not having you in my life. Just the weekend without you there in any capacity was sinking me. So, I chose our friendship, because I was afraid I'd screw up and lose you completely if I didn't.

  Mason calling me out the other day kind of hammered the nail home that I was losing you anyway. I was trying to put up these big shields between us romantically so that you could get over your feelings for me, and I could bury my feelings in distractions. I never meant for you to get hurt by my actions. Okay, that's a lie. Obviously, I intended for you to see me with all those girls so that you would be a little hurt and move on, but I didn't realize what I was doing was also killing our friendship. I'm an idiot, and it took someone who hadn't known either of us that long to point it out.

  I don't want to lose your friendship, Sasha. More importantly though, I can't keep pretending that I don't want more with you either. You weren't the only one hurting with over my antics. My partying ways increased to help me
numb the shit I was doing to myself, and yeah, I was the jerk who growled at the guys that were brave enough to even think of approaching you. I just couldn't bear the thought of you with someone else. Ironic, I know, since I was making you watch me basically whore around as a way to keep our friendship. My logic is obviously epically flawed.

  I'm hoping you won't hold that against me too long. I'm hoping I haven't damaged us so much that you no longer want me as a friend or anything else. But most of all I am hoping you will forgive my stupidity and see fit to ignore Mason's date request and go out with me instead.

  I need to say so much more, and it should come in person, not in a letter, but I honestly didn't think you'd give me a chance to speak to you in person after that scene the other day. So, you get the written words instead.

  I've been fighting this thing between us for a really long time, Sasha. I'm not sure I would have called it being in love with you way back when, because I was just a confused boy who wasn't sure what to do with you for a while. Something changed in the past year or so though, and I couldn't stop watching you. I couldn't stop seeing you, all of you. It's not often you get to look upon perfection every single day of your life and know it's within reach, but afraid to touch because you might taint it. That's how I've always felt around you. I didn't want to ruin your perfect with my… well; I didn't want to ruin you.

  I love you Sasha, and I don't know how in the hell I'll ever make it in this world without you by my side as my friend, but I also know I can't make it without you by my side as more than that. I gave you four perfect lilies yesterday for a reason. Four seems to be a lucky number for us. After all, I met the only woman I've ever loved in the fourth grade. Please, forgive me.

  Always,

  Kade

  PS - if you can find it in your heart to also love me back, that would be the best thing ever!

  I traced my hand over the words in the letter again before tucking it inside the journal right where I'd left off with my last letter to Lily.