The Sins of the Mother

by Danielle Steel

  “I think they’d go nuts. Especially my dad. Mom would get over it—like you said, she has gay students. I don’t think Dad could accept it. Maybe he wouldn’t even talk to me anymore, or kick me out.” There was fear in his eyes. He had heard horror stories before, about other gay boys and their parents’ reactions, especially their fathers. He had remembered them all, and it influenced him now.

  “You’re forgetting one important thing,” his grandmother reminded him. “They love you. That changes everything. You’re their only child.”

  “That makes it even worse,” Alex said with a look of despair. “If they had another son, a straight one, it wouldn’t be so bad. All their dreams, about who I’m supposed to be, are resting on me.” She couldn’t deny what he said.

  “What if we told them together?” She was trying to be helpful, but it was obvious he wasn’t ready to share the truth with them, only with her.

  “Maybe one day, Grandma. Not now. I just wanted you to know.” She sensed that it was the secret he’d been hiding, and had almost shared with her a few days before. She was relieved that he had told her after all.

  “I’m very honored that you trusted me, Alex,” she said solemnly. “I promise I won’t tell anyone. But I think you should one of these days. Maybe they’ll figure it out on their own.”

  “I don’t think so. They have denial. They haven’t even figured out that I’m not interested in girls. At seventeen, all my friends are. Let’s face it, sports are no substitute for sex,” he said, and laughed, which answered her earlier question about the boy he liked.

  “I hope you’re being careful about AIDS,” she said sternly. It was a serious issue for him now, if he was sexually active, and it sounded like he was.

  “Obviously,” he said with a lofty look. “I’m gay, I’m not dumb.”

  “Sorry,” she said, and smiled. She felt as though she had grown up that night. It turned out that her grandson was more sophisticated than she was about the ways of the world. “I just want you to know that I’m here if you need me. You can talk to me anytime. All you have to do is pick up the phone.” He actually did that often, and texted her from time to time. “Call me if you need me, Alex. I mean that. And if you ever want me to talk to them, I will. Your aunt Liz might be able to help with your dad. He always listens to her.” She had used that conduit to him herself, from time to time. It always worked with John. His big sister had an influence on him that no one else did, except his wife.

  “Thank you, Grandma,” Alex said, and put his arms around her. He looked relieved, and like a kid again. Sharing that with her had taken a huge load off his mind. And telling her had been one of the defining moments of his life. She hadn’t screamed, she hadn’t fainted. She still loved him. He had been trying to check out her reaction, and all was well in his world. And then he thought of something that also mattered to him. “Would you still let me work for you one day?” He was worried.

  “Of course.” This time she looked shocked. “What difference would it make?”

  “You wouldn’t be embarrassed to have a gay grandson in the business?”

  “Of course not. I’m proud of you, whatever you are. And by the time you graduate, I’ll be prouder yet.” He seemed satisfied with her answer, and a few minutes later, they hugged and went to bed.

  She lay in bed thinking about him, and all he had said. He had given her an enormous compliment by confiding in her. It was probably more than any of her own children would have done. It proved to her again how important their relationship was. And all she had to do now was figure out how to help him tell his parents. Sooner or later they had to know. And she hoped that when he told them, they would rise to the occasion. She couldn’t imagine anything less of her son John. She was sure that Alex was selling them short. But only time would tell if he was right. And all she could hope was that he was wrong in his fears about them, and his parents would be loving and supportive. She would be severely disappointed in them if not. She wished she could tell her own mother about it, but she had promised. And she always kept her promises. She had taken a vow of silence, and his secret was safe with her.

  Chapter 10

  When they woke up in the morning, Amanda was full of stories about the people they’d met the night before. They were people she knew from New York, and she was vastly impressed by the house they had rented. Phillip seemed to have enjoyed it, and Liz said they were very nice. It was Amanda who was the most thrilled with their visit.

  And after they had breakfast, they cruised slowly toward St. Tropez, relieved that the seas were calm again. They stopped and swam near St. Marguerite Island off Cannes. It was where the Man in the Iron Mask had been imprisoned, allegedly the brother of the king. Olivia shared the story with them, and her grandchildren were particularly impressed. John sat quietly nearby, sketching the island while she talked. He already had one full sketchbook of drawings and had brought several more.

  They reached St. Tropez in the late afternoon, and the captain had reserved a space at the dock for them at the outer edge of the port. It was the only space in the port big enough for the boat. The girls wanted to explore the shops and local color, and as soon as they set foot on land, they were besieged by paparazzi, who took photographs of anyone coming off a big yacht, assuming they were someone famous or important. They followed them on scooters and flashed cameras in their faces. Only Amanda loved it, everyone else was annoyed. They wandered around the town, which was one of the most populated vacation spots in the South of France. Everyone wanted to see and be seen in St. Tropez. Olivia was relieved when they went back to the boat. The crew had put curtains up around the decks, so they would have privacy in the port.

  Because of the paparazzi, they decided to have dinner on board. They had wanted to try a local restaurant, but it was just too much trouble to deal with the feeding frenzy of the press. And instead of dinner, they decided to go ashore for another nightclub and made reservations at La Cave du Roy. The captain warned them that it might not be quite as much fun as the Billionaire, but when they got there, they enjoyed it just as much, although they drank a little less.

  “I think Mom is turning into someone we don’t even know,” Phillip commented as he watched Olivia dancing with Alex. She was actually pretty good, and had learned all her moves the night they went to the Billionaire. And this time Amanda had decided to come along. She was disappointed when no one took their picture, but she actually seemed amorous with Phillip on the dance floor that night. It had taken a long time for her to warm up, and for him to forget her comment about him having no balls. There had been a noticeable chill between them for most of the trip, which concerned Olivia a great deal. But Amanda had seemed in better spirits ever since the night they had dinner with their friends in St. Jean Cap Ferrat. She felt as though she had her own identity again, and wasn’t just part of a mob.

  They stayed at La Cave du Roy till three o’clock and didn’t get to bed till four. The next morning, Olivia was up and dressed early. The Factory had a store in Draguignan, in the interior, and Olivia wanted to see it. She had invited Alex and Sophie to come along and both her sons. Olivia was as fresh as a rose when they got into the van, the others looked a little worn. But she was like a racehorse, once she had work to do, or a store to visit. The management of the store had been notified and was waiting for them. She spent two hours touring the store, and Sophie was excited to be with them, now that she knew she would be working for The Factory in six months. And maybe this was one of the stores her grandmother would let her manage one day. It was one of their newer ones.

  Afterward, Olivia had a meeting with Phillip and John about the things she had observed while visiting the store, and what she wanted changed. Sophie sat in on that too, and was impressed by how keen her grandmother’s powers of observation were. She had noticed everything right down to the most minute detail. She had even checked the restrooms and the storage areas and had spoken to a number of members of the staff, in French. Alex had been
impressed too. And there was a special connection between them now. He gave nothing away, and neither did she, but a silent look passed between them at times that spoke volumes and was filled with her love for him.

  Her children and their spouses had dinner in St. Tropez that night, and she and her grandchildren opted to stay on board. They played games for a while and afterward they watched a movie and ate popcorn the cook had sent up for them. They were still in the movie theater when the others came home. They had had a great time together, and Phillip couldn’t help but comment on how different their mother was on this trip, even during their meetings about the business. She was so much more relaxed, and much more easygoing than she was at home. All she wanted was for them to have a good time. It made him even angrier that she had spent so little time with them when they were young.

  “When are you going to get over that?” Liz confronted him when he said it. The three siblings sat together on deck, after Amanda, Sarah, and Olivia went to bed.

  “Maybe never,” he said harshly. “I never had a mother for my entire childhood. And neither did you. Why are you so willing to forget that now?”

  “Because I think she did the best she could. And she did a lot of other things for us. She was always nice when she was home. So she went away a lot. So what? Other parents do a lot of other things that are worse. I’ve been home all the time for my kids. How do I know they won’t be pissed off at me someday for something else? You can’t get it right all the time. It’s easy for you—you don’t have kids. No one is ever going to be telling you what you did wrong. You get to stay a kid all your life and be pissed at her. And look how hard she tries now. She knocks her socks off every year to give us a vacation so we can all be together. She’s still trying, Phillip, and you never give her a break for the past. That seems really wrong to me.”

  “Well, listen to Miss Therapy,” he said angrily. “You don’t ever get back your childhood, Liz, and as far as I’m concerned she ruined mine. I never had a mother for all those years.”

  “Yes, you did. She wasn’t perfect—well, neither is anyone else’s. And looking at her now, she seems pretty goddamned good to me.”

  “That’s up to you. I don’t happen to see it that way.”

  “That’s unfortunate for you. You’re never going to be able to forgive yourself, or anyone else, until you learn to forgive her. Are you so perfect? Haven’t you ever screwed something up?”

  “Not the childhood of four children. That’s why I don’t have kids.”

  “I feel sorry for you,” Liz said quietly, and John stepped in and changed the subject. He didn’t say it, but he thought Liz had a point. Their mother went all out to entertain them royally every year, and he had to admit, she was wonderful with their kids. It made up for a lot with him. And he had never been as unhappy as Phillip. For him, Granibelle and their father had been enough. And when their mother was home, it was icing on the cake. For Phillip, as long as she was gone, nothing else had ever been enough. But he wasn’t a happy person, even now. He was always grumbling about something, and he had a wife who withheld approval and affection, which their mother never had. She had been gone, but whenever she came home, they knew that they were loved. Phillip and Cass had just refused to accept her as she was, recognize that she had tried, and forgive her her mistakes, even now. It seemed like a waste of energy to John. Forty years of anger seemed like an unfair sentence to him. John thought their mother didn’t deserve the punishment she’d been given, particularly with all she’d done for them in other ways, and still did. They dropped the subject after that, but Phillip was still annoyed. He thought his brother and sister were far too easy on her, and Cass was right. If he didn’t work for her, he would have taken his distance from her too.

  The next day they left St. Tropez and headed back toward Antibes. They didn’t stop at the Hotel du Cap again, but docked outside the old port instead, and went into town by tender, to wander around the ramparts, and Olivia took them all by cab to a little church she knew on top of a hill with a lighthouse, which overlooked the entire coast, and had a breathtaking view. The church, called Notre Dame de Bon Port, had been built in the eleventh century and had a fourth-century chapel. Miracles were said to have happened there. They wandered into the church, and Olivia lit a candle for Joe, and afterward they stood outside, eating ice cream and admiring the view.

  “How did you ever find this place?” Sarah asked her with interest. She had already taken dozens of pictures of the chapel and the view.

  “Joe and I found it when we stayed at the Hotel du Cap. I always wanted to come back here one day. I just never thought it wouldn’t be with him.” She smiled sadly, and Sarah gently touched her arm in sympathy. They all fell silent after that, and were quiet on their way back to the port in the cab. Olivia didn’t say anything, but she had lit a candle for Alex too, for the smooth transition of his coming out, whenever it occurred.

  They had dinner in the port that night, then went back to the boat. In the morning, they were going back to Monaco to spend their last day of the trip and celebrate Olivia’s birthday. It had really been a perfect trip, for all of them. Even Phillip and Amanda seemed on better terms. And Alex seemed a lot happier than he had at first. Sophie had the promise of a job when she graduated. And Liz was going to call her agent as soon as she got home and had her mother’s endorsement of the book. Olivia had dedicated the whole time to taking care of them, and she had had a wonderful time too. Her best birthday gift to herself every year was her holiday with her family.

  And the next day, thanks to Olivia’s meticulous organizing, everything went according to plan. They got to Monaco in the morning, and after wishing Olivia happy birthday over breakfast, they all relaxed and talked. After lunch on deck in the port, they took the boat out again so everyone could swim. Phillip and John went off on the tender to go fishing. And Olivia got a final ride on a jet ski with Alex, and all the kids rode the banana for a last time. At the end of the day, they pulled into port and had a sumptuous birthday dinner for her with lobster and caviar, and soufflés and a birthday cake for dessert. They went to the casino afterward, while Olivia kept Alex company on the boat and played gin with him, and then they met them all at Jimmyz, and danced until three in the morning, and they stayed up till four o’clock reminiscing about the trip. The crew had packed for all of them so they were ready to leave. They would all be off the boat by noon, and Olivia thought it had been the happiest two weeks of her life, and everyone agreed with her, as they hugged each other and wished her a happy birthday again, and went to their cabins for their last night.

  She and Alex had discussed his problem with his parents again that night while the others were at the casino, and she had encouraged him once more to tell them that he was gay. And he was just as adamant that they wouldn’t understand, and he wasn’t willing to take the risk. Olivia thought about Alex when she went to bed that night. She had so much to think of, as well as so many happy memories to take with her. And when they left the boat, the others were going home, and she was going to London to check on their store there. They had been remodeling it for six months, and she wanted to see what had been done. It had been their original flagship store in Europe, and she had a deep personal attachment to it.

  And in the morning, they all shared a last breakfast together. Phillip and Amanda were the first to leave, and she was anxious to get back to her office. John and Sarah were going to Paris for the weekend with Alex. Liz and the girls were going home to Connecticut. And then Carole would be packing up to leave for L.A., to work for her stepmother and father. She could hardly wait to get started. Her father had called and made her an offer while she was on the boat, and Carole had jumped at the chance.

  At noon Olivia left the boat alone. They had arranged for a car and driver to take her to the airport, and she turned back to look at the boat that had been so wonderful for them. Her heart ached now that they were gone, and she looked at the boat longingly as they drove away. She had so man
y questions in her mind now after living with them for almost two weeks, about Phillip and Amanda, and Alex, and Liz and her book. She had been so much a part of their daily lives, and now she was back to her own nomadic life, heading for London on her own.

  She checked in at the British Airways counter at the Nice airport, and an hour later she boarded the plane. As she sat in the first-class lounge before that, she texted all of them about how much she missed them, and how much fun she’d had with them on the trip. Alex answered her immediately. She knew that Liz and the girls were already on their plane. Phillip and Amanda were in the air too. And then she had to turn her own phone off and put it away. She was thinking about all of them as her plane took off for London. And she looked somber when they landed at Heathrow, and she was met by her driver from Claridge’s. He took her to the hotel, where she checked in to her usual suite, which was decorated in bright corals and floral chintzes, and she was startled when the phone rang. She had been lost in thought, and she wanted to order something to eat before she left to see the store. She was surprised when she heard Peter Williams’s voice on the phone.

  “I just wanted to be sure you got to London safely. How did the trip go?” He sounded happy to talk to her, and it was nice to hear a friendly voice. She had been feeling so alone.

  “It was beyond wonderful. I’m so sad it’s over. I hate to wait another year to go on vacation with them again.”