The Secret Life of Daydreams

by Whitney, Lucinda

  Yes, she would like that very much as well. There must be a solution, because a lack of kissing wasn’t working too well either.

  He raised his arm and Sofia cuddled up next to him, and when he brought her closer to his side, she tipped her head in his direction and sighed. The corners of Josh’s mouth turned up and he kissed her on the forehead.

  After a few minutes, their breathing synced. Sofia relaxed to the rhythm of his heartbeat and let go of her worries, not wanting anything else to intrude on the memory of this moment but the sweetness of it. So her life was turning upside down and soon enough she’d have to deal with that, but for now she could pretend that everything was all right in her world.

  On top of the coffee table, her cell phone buzzed with an incoming message.

  Josh gave her hand a squeeze. “Sofia. Your phone.” He half-rose and reached for it.

  Sofia straightened and took the phone when Josh handed it to her. “Just a message from someone else at school.” It could wait. She set it down.

  Her hair was a mess from laying on Josh’s side. She slid off the elastic and redid the ponytail while he watched, not saying anything.

  “Look, we forgot the fortune cookies.” Josh reached for them, sitting on the table top.

  Sofia broke her cookie and read the thin paper. “A thrilling time is in your immediate future.”

  “And mine says ‘Something you lost will soon turn up.’”

  She looked at the strips of paper in their hands. “I’m thinking they’d make more sense the other way around. You’re the one with the thrilling adventures and I’d love to get back what I lost.”

  Josh chuckled. “Maybe. But the first law of fortune cookies says you need to keep the one you got.”

  “Really? The laws of fortune cookies?”

  Josh grinned and pulled out his wallet from his back pocket. “And just to prove to you that I’m serious about my fortune, I’m placing it in my wallet for safekeeping.” With a smug smile, he folded the strip in half and slipped it behind a card.

  “Okay, and I’ll pin mine to the cork board in the kitchen.” Sofia walked to the kitchen, with Josh right behind her. The cork board was a mess but she found an unused pin and pushed the thin strip right up top where it couldn’t get lost.” She turned around to face Josh and shook her hands in a gesture of self-satisfaction. “Now we wait for the fortunes to come true.”

  Josh’s smile slipped a little, as if her words carried a more solemn meaning than the one she’d intended. “If only it happened that way.”

  What would she do if she could choose her fortune?

  He glanced at the kitchen clock. “Look at the time. I better go before I overextend my welcome.”

  As if that were possible.

  In the foyer, she turned the lock slowly as the sounds echoed in the silence of the night. Josh rested a hand on her shoulder and brushed the customary kiss on her forehead. “Can I see you tomorrow?”

  Her small hesitation was a mood killer. Sofia wanted to see Josh every day but her rational side balked at the habit-forming capacity behind that decision. Why did it have to be so complicated between them?

  “Can you at least call me and let me know about this ministry business?” Josh asked when she didn’t say anything.

  She brought her eyes up to him and mustered a small smile. “Yes, of course.”

  His concern for her touched her heart.

  *

  Josh checked the total for the fundraiser one more time. A little over fifty thousand dollars raised in three days. Not bad at all. In euros, and with the cost of living in Portugal, the amount would stretch quite nicely for a struggling family.

  After some comments accusing him of planning to the keep the funds to himself, Josh had called his accountant in Utah and involved him in the process. Transparency was a must and he didn’t want to be the only one responsible for the fundraiser, even if he’d been the one to start it.

  He went to a local bank with the family and they opened an account with the help of a social worker. In a few days, the amount would be transferred and they could start using it for their needs. And with that his job was done, but the realization of the project’s scope was more satisfying to him, as well as the small role he’d played in it. The goodness of people and their donations was the most important element and he’d been pleasantly surprised by it. There was kindness left in the world after all.

  This afternoon Josh was working for the last time at the Solaris mansion. He’d already taken the interior shots and most of the daytime exterior ones. With a few more days of design work, he’d be ready to wrap up the job and deliver it.

  His cell phone pinged and Josh grabbed it. Maybe it was Sofia.

  Guess what? Interview for me and Margarida with the stake president tonight.

  Paulo. Josh stared at the message for a moment, then replied. Parabéns, Bispo Lopes.

  It could be something else.

  You know it won’t be.

  Yeah, I do know that. Poor Margarida has no clue.

  Well, then, go give your wife a heads up.

  Our lives are about to change, Paulo replied.

  Yeah, but you’ll do great. I know you will.

  Thanks, man.

  Boa sorte.

  Josh’s lips quirked upwards. His old mission companion Elder Lopes was to be the new bishop in Braga, and Josh was genuinely happy for him. It would be a lot of work, but it was a position that came with service opportunities and a sure guarantee of spiritual growth. And Paulo would do just fine.

  He stopped at the thought. He couldn’t even remember the last time such ideas had crossed his mind and he grappled with the notion for a moment.

  Early the next morning, the phone rang. Half asleep, Josh reached for it and answered.

  “’Ello?”

  “Hey, Josh, sorry to be calling so early.” It was Paulo.

  “No, you’re fine. I had to get up anyway.” Josh rubbed a hand through his eyes. “What’s going on?”

  “The new bishopric is being sustained on Sunday during sacrament meeting.”

  “Well, that was fast.” Josh stifled a yawn.

  “Okay, here’s the deal.” He paused. “I’d like you to be there.”

  Josh sat up in bed, now fully awake. “Say that again.”

  Paulo chuckled nervously. “I’d like you to be in sacrament meeting when I’m sustained as the new bishop.”

  Josh closed his eyes and rubbed his right temple.

  “Josh?”

  “Sure thing, man. I’ll be there.” What else could he say? Paulo was his best friend.

  “I was hoping you’d say that. It’s at nine in the morning and you know the place.”

  “I’ll be there,” he repeated.

  After they hung up, Josh got out of bed and pulled the rolling blinds up. He opened the door to the balcony and stood at the threshold in his underwear. The air bore the chill of night and his skin broke out in gooseflesh. To the east a tinge of pink streaked the gray sky with a promise of a bright, warm day. If he hurried, maybe he could capture the sunrise over the city and make use of his being up so early.

  At least some of Paulo’s dream had come true. He would be sustained on Sunday, but Josh would never be one of his counselors.

  As he drove toward the north-eastern part of town, the memories of his former life clamored inside him. The last thing he wanted was to remember the years that had led him to the deliberate decision to walk away from the church and his way of life.

  He parked by the curb and grabbed the backpack with his equipment. This was the highest neighborhood within the city, and the overlook point loomed high above the street, as if standing guard. For a few moments, Josh focused on climbing the stairways that wound around the outside of the oval building and culminated at the open top. A Catholic statue stood in the middle and a low metal railing enclosed the area. Josh set his backpack against the base of the statue and fit his camera with the wide lens. Once the camera was att
ached to the tripod, he waited for the sun to peek over the eastern hills.

  The stillness of the place and the peace afforded by the early hour forced him to own up to the truth he’d been avoiding for years. He had never planned for failure. And in a church culture where family was everything, he had found himself adrift after the divorce and without the courage to rectify his own mistakes.

  But in the end, it was not because of what others thought of him, but what he thought of himself in relation to God. And instead of pushing himself through the rough times, Josh had justified his departure as the only fitting way of dealing with a failed marriage and his own role in its demise.

  As the first sun rays peeked over the eastern knolls, Josh put a stop to his thoughts. He bent over the camera and composed the shot through the viewfinder. Within a few seconds, the sunlight burst and spilt over the edge of the tree line, and his finger stayed on the shutter release, recording the glory of the sunrise he’d anticipated.

  When the sun rose higher, he straightened and took a deep breath.

  He hadn’t been to church in six years, but he’d go for Paulo.

  Sofia sat next to Margarida and Amélia in the chapel. Paulo sat to the other side of Margarida and every few minutes his knees bounced until his wife set a calming hand on him. He grabbed her fingers and gave them a squeeze and she smiled sweetly at him. No words needed between those two.

  Although nothing had been said, Sofia suspected some changes were forthcoming. She hadn’t had the chance to discuss with Margarida but the attendance of Paulo’s family visiting from Lisbon pointed to an announcement.

  “Is this seat taken?” a deep male voice said to her right.

  Josh. Her heart skipped a beat. “It’s free.” She turned and looked up with a ready smile.

  Paulo stood and he and Josh did the shoulder-pat kind of hug exclusive to guys and exchanged some hushed words. Josh scooted the chair next to her and sat down. Sofia couldn’t stop smiling, unable to say anything. A glimmer of hope rose in her chest. Did she dare feel any hope at all? It had to mean something that he was in church.

  He draped a hand behind the back of her chair and leaned over to brush a kiss on her temple. “Como estás, Sofia?”

  “Bem. Estou bem.” She reached for his hand and held it. Sure, the members in the ward would be talking about them after this little display, but she didn’t care.

  When the new bishopric was announced and they took their places behind the podium, Sofia took Margarida’s shoulders in a side hug. Margarida, the bishop’s wife.

  Josh had come to church and he looked too good in his navy slacks and white shirt with a striped silver tie. All through the meeting Sofia glanced at him for signs that he wanted to leave. But he was relaxed, like he fit in and had not been away from a meeting in over six years.

  When the sacrament tray came to their row, Josh passed it to Sofia without partaking. She caught his eyes but his expression was neutral. At the end of sacrament meeting, Josh rose and stepped aside. Sofia stood beside him, hoping he wasn’t leaving yet. After Paulo made it to Margarida and his family through the members offering congratulations, he reached to touch Josh’s shoulder.

  “You’re staying for the other meetings, right? I’m being set apart right after,” he said to Josh.

  Josh smiled and shook hands with Paulo, the hesitation barely visible. “Of course.”

  Paulo nodded and moved on, and Josh let out a small breath after he left.

  Sofia had questions but they’d have to wait. Josh kept her company through Sunday school and then went to priesthood meeting with Paulo.

  After the block of meetings the stake presidency was present for the setting apart of each member of the bishopric. Josh was already waiting by the door when Sofia came and he reached for her hand. Her heart skipped a beat when they touched and her skin tingled. She suppressed a sigh and looked over to Josh but he didn’t notice the effect he had on her.

  Some of the members had recognized him from his mission days but he’d fended most questions with a simple “Estou de visita,” not giving any chances for catching-up conversations. That was the only signal from him that perhaps he wasn’t as comfortable as he appeared.

  When the setting apart was over, Josh and Sofia walked over to Paulo and Margarida and congratulated them briefly, making room for the people behind them. Josh held her hand firmly. Maybe a little too tightly.

  Paulo stopped them. “Don’t forget about lunch at our place.”

  Josh held a thumbs up. “Sure thing. We’ll be there.”

  Once out on the parking lot, he relaxed, but didn’t let go of her hand. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have replied for you.” He turned his eyes on her. “But I’m assuming you’re going?”

  She nodded. “For a little bit at least. It depends on how Mother is doing.”

  Josh surveyed the parking lot. “Where’s your car?”

  “I walked this morning.”

  “Can I give you a ride?”

  “Sure.”

  Josh opened the door to her and let her in, then went around the front. As he sat behind the wheel, he undid the top button of his shirt and slipped off the tie. Then he rested his hands on the steering wheel and let out a long, deep breath.

  Sofia turned to him. “So, how do you feel?” Her hands tightened onto her purse a little more strongly than needed.

  Josh pulled out of the parking spot and glanced at her, his eyebrow quirked. “How do I feel about what?”

  A little twinge of warning dashed through her and she tamped it down. “About the meetings and the ward.” She kept her gaze on his profile and he stared straight ahead.

  A muscle twitched in Josh’s jaw. “The meetings were fine.”

  Fine? Was that all he had felt? “But how did it feel to be back in church?”

  Josh looked sharply at Sofia. “Excuse me?” The tension in his voice should have stopped her.

  She brought her hands up, frustrated this was not going the way she’d envisioned. “I just want to know how you felt being back to church after all this time.”

  Josh didn’t say anything for a moment, his hands gripping the wheel as if he planned to yank it from the column.

  He shook his head. “Sofia.” He parked in front of her building and set the break forcefully. “Paulo’s my best friend and being called as a bishop is a big deal.” His hands remained on the wheel and he turned to look back at her. “I went to church to support him. Can you understand that?”

  There had to be more. He couldn’t have just gone to church after all this time and not felt anything, could he? Her little bit of hope began to slip. “Yes, I can understand that you wanted to support Paulo.”

  Josh turned to her. “Good. Then we’re done talk—”

  “What I don’t understand is your neutrality about attending church today.” She interrupted him.

  Josh glanced at her. “Why do you keep bringing this up?”

  Although he didn’t raise his voice, the tension in his words was unmistakable.

  “Because I want to know how you really feel about it.” Why wouldn’t Josh open up to her?

  His mouth pursed in a tight line for a moment. “No, you don’t, Sofia. You want me to tell you what you want to hear, and that’s not going to happen.”

  Her heart twisted and she didn’t say anything, unable to find the right words to persuade Josh to change his mind.

  He blew out a frustrated sigh. “As I was trying to say, we’re done talking about this topic.” His words were controlled and his voice low. Without waiting for her reply, he exited the car and came around to open the door for her.

  Sofia’s shoulders slumped. Had she pushed him too far again? She stepped onto the sidewalk, and after Josh closed the door, he leaned against the car, his arms crossed. He wasn’t accompanying her to the door today.

  She turned to the building but then turned back to Josh. “Thanks for the ride.”

  He nodded.

  Once inside the building
’s foyer, Sofia paused to watch Josh go around the front of the car. He couldn’t see her but she could see him and the way he shook his head before opening his door.

  He couldn’t have made himself more clear about his feelings for the church. It was hopeless, and that made Sofia mad. Because she couldn’t help Josh change his mind and because she cared so much about it, about him.

  Why had she kissed him on that darned night? It would take her a lifetime to forget about it.

  After dismissing Nurse Antónia and preparing lunch for Mother, Sofia called Margarida.

  “Can you talk?” she asked when Margarida answered with a sunny hello.

  A door closed before she replied. “I can now. What’s the matter?”

  “Is Josh there?”

  “He just walked in about ten minutes ago. Do you need him to come pick you up?”

  “No, don’t ask him anything. I can’t come anyway. There’s no one to watch Mother.” Sofia sighed. “Josh and I had an argument when he gave me a ride after church.”

  “Oh Sofia,” Margarida said. “What happened?”

  She closed her eyes and rubbed a spot on her forehead. “I asked him how he felt about the church meetings this morning.”

  “You didn’t.”

  The noise of a knock on a door came through the phone.

  “Yep, I did. I’ll tell you later. Go back to your guests.”

  “Okay, I will if you promise to tell me everything,” Margarida said.

  “Promise. And sorry I can’t come.”

  “You have a good excuse. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  Sofia palmed the phone after they hung up. She sat for a few minutes, not knowing what to do. From her seat on the sofa, the bookshelves across the room appeared too crowded. She’d have to fix that later.

  One of the few things in her life that could be fixed. She kept messing up everything else.

  *

  His feet pounded on the road at a steady rhythm and his breathing matched each time he pumped his legs against the asphalt and up the incline. The sweat flowed down the center of his back and the sides of his face, mixing with the morning breeze to cool him down. Right foot, left foot. Short inhale, long exhale. Repeat.