He had toppled over as the last of his yang left him. There must have been some sign that he had died, some stiffening or jerking of his body. But if there was, Shi Po had confused it with the necessary muscle contractions of yang expulsion. She had not known what was happening, had not realized that he was dead, tipped forward to pin her beneath him, crouched between his legs and pressed against the hard wooden chair.
Behind her, Shi Po heard Kui Yu curse, but there was little he could do, and little time for him to do it. She knew from long repetition that the younger Shi Po would soon return. That there would be eons for the child to sit there, trapped and dazed from her Heavenly journey. Long moments of struggle would occur as she came back to herself only to think that her uncle was sleeping. That he might possibly... But he couldn't have... But he was so still and cold.
Eventually, she would call out. In time, she would gather her courage enough to yell for her aunt. And then another eternity would pass before the woman came to laugh and giggle in relief: Her torment was over; her wastrel husband was dead.
All the while, Auntie Ting would tug and push on her husband. But she was a small woman with little physical strength, and it would take her a long time to free the young Shi Po.
"Come out of there," Kui Yu ordered from beside her. Shi Po opened her eyes, her view obscured by her uncle's thin legs. But even at her canted angle, she could still see her husband where he stood beside them in the dream, ineffectively tugging at first her uncle, then at her. But he had insubstantial hands and they slipped through everything.
"Come out!" he said, a touch of desperation in his voice.
"No," Shi Po answered softly. "Let the young one stay in Heaven as long as possible. Let her dance a little longer." There would be plenty of time for understanding later.
"She's not real, Shi Po. Come out."
"No. I always stay here as long as I can. For her."
"Shi Po!" He appeared beside her. How he came to be directly before her eyes, she didn't understand, but he was there, and horror darkened his eyes.
So she shut her own; she didn't want to see. "You should go on," she said. "Talk to Kwan Yin. I will be fine here."
"Shi Po..." His voice was strangled. Softer, gentler, he added, "I'm not leaving you." She felt him touch her face. How he managed it when she was still trapped, she didn't know. But he stroked her cheek, and the warmth of his flesh spread through her. It provided a tiny circle of heat where the rest of her was cold and numb from compression.
"I understand now," he said. She couldn't see his face; her eyes were still closed, but she heard the compassion in his voice. "I understand now why death and Heaven are so intertwined in your mind."
She frowned, wondering what he meant.
"But it is not always true," he continued. "You can reach Heaven without death. That is what the Tigresses teach, isn't it?"
She didn't answer. She knew the teachings. Indeed, she had banners to that effect, poetry memorized to remind her students of just that truth. And yet...
"You never believed it, did you? Because of this. You knew that Heaven existed because you felt it, because you went there." In the background, she could still hear her younger self laughing, the sound full of innocent joy.
"But for you," her husband continued, "it always meant death."
"Great achievement requires great sacrifice," she said.
"Very true," Kui Yu responded. "But that does not mean it requires death."
She didn't answer. How could she, when she wasn't sure? Ever since her uncle's death, she had believed immortality required death. She had simply been fortunate enough to be available when her uncle passed on; otherwise, she never would have experienced Heaven. And even then she'd only seen the antechamber and not the true Immortal realm.
That was why she taught but did not practice any longer. It was why she went to the antechamber but not inside. And she had been content with that. Until Ru Shan and his white woman gained the Heavenly portals without dying. And now Zou Tun and his woman as well. How could they do such a thing without a death? It wasn't possible. And yet, they claimed to have succeeded.
"Step out, Shi Po," said her husband. "We do not need to die to speak to Kwan Yin."
She didn't believe him. Perhaps her mind did, but in her heart, she didn't think it was possible. So she remained exactly where she was: compressed, trapped, barely able to breathe.
She felt Kui Yu's hand slide away. It had been a single press of warmth against her cheek, but now he moved. His hands separated, and she felt him on either side of her neck, then her shoulders. And still he continued touching her, moving down her arms to finally grab hold of her hands.
"Come to me, my wife," he ordered gently. "You can move a little. Believe that you can step out from under this atrocity."
She shook her head. "But then the young one will have to take my place."
"No," he answered firmly. "No one will be there. No one needs be there at all anymore."
When he said it, she could believe. And yet, she still hesitated.
"You said I give you other options," he pressed. "Believe in this one. Make the choice to believe."
And because he was holding her, because she loved him enough to want to please him, she did as he asked: She chose to believe. "No one," she whispered, willing it to be true. "No one need be here, pinned beneath a dead man."
"You will step away and be free."
She prayed it was true. She chose to believe it was true.
"Open your eyes."
She did. And saw swinging lanterns. She was still crouched down, but everything of Earth had faded. Her uncle and his home were gone. Kui Yu tugged on her arms, urging her to stand.
She did, though it felt difficult on numb legs. "I cannot feel anything," she said. Except, she could.
She could feel his hands around hers, his warmth expanding through her. Because she wanted it, and so she willed it to be.
She straightened to her full height. She couldn't do it by herself. He had to help her. He took hold of her elbows and lifted. It didn't work at first. Not until she looked into his eyes. Not until she chose to believe he could make it possible. Only then did she straighten. Only then did she know how good it felt to stand tall. Even better, in the distance, she could see her younger self still dancing. She could feel the excitement that filled the girl as it expanded to her.
She began to laugh.
It was a strange thing to laugh just then, but such was her liberation that she could not stop herself. Indeed, it felt as if she had been stuck beneath her uncle her entire life. Until now. Until her husband gave her another option.
"I love you," she said, though the words were inadequate to the feelings flowing through her.
"And I you," he answered as he drew her into his arms.
He held her, and she him. Together in love and most awesome joy. And then, they turned to watch the younger Shi Po dance. Except, she wasn't there anymore. In her place stood Kwan Yin, whose celestial eyes were filled with happiness, whose sweet face was joyous as she gestured behind her.
The gates of Heaven were open. What had been black space with swinging lights now became an open doorway into light, and from which emanated the sweetest music, felt more than heard, known more than experienced.
"Welcome," said Kwan Yin. "We are most pleased that you could come."
Kui Yu started forward immediately, but he stopped when he found himself alone. Shi Po couldn't force herself to move, though she had worked so hard for this very moment. She held back, and so restrained Kui Yu, and the Goddess as well.
"If we go through there, if we walk into Heaven..."
"Yes?" asked Kwan Yin.
"Will we die?"
"Do you wish to die?"
Shi Po shook her head, her denial immediate. "No, I don't. Not yet." She looked at her husband. "I want to live with Kui Yu."
"Then so it will be."
And so it was. She knew it then. The moment she allowed hers
elf to believe it was true, she stepped onward. The gates of Heaven rushed forward and engulfed her in such wonder as she had not thought possible. She was in Heaven. She was an Immortal. As was Kui Yu.
"We did it!" she breathed, looking at her beloved. "We did it together."
He grinned, but his expression faded as he looked about them. He didn't seem frightened, just confused. His brows drew together. Shi Po turned as well, to absorb the glory that was Heaven: wonder, awe, peace, and most especially love. All were in abundance. Surrounding them, suffusing them. As it suffused everyone around.
People were everywhere, dozens of people. Her grandparents, long gone of a fever. Her younger sister, who had died at the same time. Her neighbors, who had been so kind. Her other neighbors, who had not been so kind. Even her uncle. All stood around her, all smiling and waving before wandering off on their business.
Shi Po stared. "They are all Immortals?" she breathed.
Kwan Yin answered, "All come here once they die on Earth, but then separate to their own tasks, their own work. They simply gathered here to greet you."
"But... but...," she stammered. How could those people be here? They weren't trained as Tigresses or Dragons. They were just people who had died.
"We come and go," whispered Kui Yu beside her. "But they—"
"They are here," answered Kwan Yin. Then she turned to him. "They came to greet you so you will know and not fear."
He shifted his gaze from his parents to the Goddess. "Know what?" he asked.
"This is where all come before they move on." Kwan Yin looked at Shi Po. "Tigress or dragon, emperor or peasant, all come here. To Heaven."
"And then move on," repeated Shi Po, her mind racing with the implications. "Then... all are Immortal."
The Goddess nodded. "Though few visit while still living."
"Then I was right! Death would have taken me here, to Heaven."
The Goddess smiled. "Of course. But you have studied hard. You can and should return to your bodies. Now."
And with the word, Shi Po began to fall. Beside her, she heard Kui Yu gasp in surprise as he too began his descent. Unlike her, he fought it. He called out, he reached for the Goddess.
"No!" he cried. "We need your help. We are in danger. Our sons will be killed. Goddess, please!"
But their descent did not slow. If anything, Kui Yu's panic only increased it. Still, the Goddess remained close enough to smile and speak to them. "That is why they came to greet you," she reminded him. "So you understand."
"But you must save us!"
She was fading, but the Goddess's words came to them clearly. "Save you from what? Heaven awaits. What is there to fear?"
Then it was over. Their descent became a plummet until they reached their bodies. Then, like stones tossed off a path, they dropped into their flesh with jarring impact. Shi Po woke with a groan. Kui Yu woke with a curse. Even before Shi Po found the strength to do more than breathe, Kui Yu pushed himself upright, and his voice grew strong as he threw off the vestiges of Heaven.
"We must go back! She must understand!"
"She did understand," Shi Po answered. "I told you, Heaven responds according to its own rules. It is not for us to question." Though she did have many questions. As did Kui Yu.
"But she has to help us. She has to—"
"She doesn't have to do anything," Shi Po snapped, her irritation at the situation spilling over to her husband. "I tried to explain that to you before."
"But she has to help us. Our sons—" He cut off his words, and she too blinked away tears.
"Heaven awaits them," she murmured. "We must find our own way or find peace in that." Then she lost her battle against tears. They flowed freely as she shook in silent misery. They were all going to die.
"We must go back," Kui Yu repeated. "She must help us."
Shi Po shook her head. They could not attempt it again. Not so soon after ascending. Neither of them had the energy. Both yin and yang were depleted. She could feel the hollowness of her exhausted body. Kui Yu must feel the same. Indeed, one look at his ashen face told her it was true.
He knew they couldn't return. He knew they were doomed.
"How soon?" he demanded as he grabbed her cold hands. He drew them tight to his chest. "When can we try again?"
She knew what he was thinking. They were to travel to Hong Kong to demonstrate their power. There were a few days yet. Perhaps they could manage again. Perhaps, if they said the right things...
"We could try," she began. From what she'd read, usually it took many months, sometimes years, before another successful trip could be made to Heaven. But she and Kui Yu had ascended three times now, and in a short period of time. Perhaps...
She shook her head. "Do not expect the Goddess's answer to be different. If we are destined to die, then—" She cut herself off.
But Kui Yu was adamant. "She didn't understand. She has to save our sons. She has to stop Kang."
Shi Po curled into herself. She drew up her knees to support her bowed head. Kui Yu was a man, and therefore had not been taught submission to Heaven's will. Even when given a clear answer from a Goddess, he still struggled to achieve the ends he wanted.
"Goddesses do not respond to our will, Kui Yu," she murmured helplessly. Was it weakness to accept what Heaven ordained?
"She just didn't understand. She just..." His voice trailed away. She could not see his face, for hers was buried in her arms, her tears sliding down her skin and onto the bedding. And as the silence stretched, she knew he began to understand. The Goddess had refused to intervene. There would be no divine rescue.
She felt his hand on her back, and his warmth slipped around her. Without thought, she leaned into his body, needing his strength to support herself.
Many times she had returned from the Heavenly antechamber to descend into tears. The loss of joy was extreme, the heaviness of Earth exhausting to the heart and body; tears were a natural result of such strain. Never had she thought to cry after becoming an Immortal, though. She had thought... She had assumed that such a being was beyond pain, had grown past Earthly cares.
How wrong she'd been.
She felt a wetness upon her forehead, a steady fall of tears from her husband's eyes. His, too, were silent. Like with her, the experience, the frustration, the overflow of emotions were too much for him to contain. They had to be expressed somehow. In anger. In laughter. In tears. And yet, it shook Shi Po to the core to know her strong husband wept.
She uncoiled enough to wrap her arms around him, to support him. And together, they straightened their bodies, lay back down in bed with their hearts and flesh intertwined.
"She has to help us. She has to understand," Kui Yu murmured into her hair. But there was no more anger in his tone, only a steely determination.
He was clearly working on a plan. He was thinking and struggling and still trying to bend all to his will. He did not understand. And yet, Shi Po cherished him all the more for his fight. She envied him his strength, and would do all she could to support him in his struggle. Because she loved him, and because she loved her children. Because she loved, she would defy Fate.
They did not sleep that night. They remained wrapped in each other's arms. And together, they found the strength to go on.
A soldier on night patrol met a man on the street past curfew. The man explained he was a student returning from a late class. The soldier said, "If you're a student, let me quiz you."
The student waited for a question, but no matter how much the soldier racked his brains, he couldn't think of any.
"What luck," the man cried with schoolboy joy. "No examination tonight!"
Chapter 19
The morning dawned cold and clear. Shi Po and Kui Yu were given warm clothes, but no weapons, were allowed to see their children but not speak to them. Then soldiers led them to horses, that they were not allowed to mount. Instead, everyone stood in the shivering dawn air and waited.
Shi Po huddled close to her beast for
warmth, while her ears strained to hear the soldiers' gossip. Apparently General Kang was in a furious mood. Sometime the day before, his Han mistress had disappeared with his bastard daughter. Kang had not only been denied an evening of physical release but now he had to leave on a long trip to Hong Kong where his passions would likely build to an even more difficult level. The men in his personal guard were not looking forward to the next few weeks; their only hope, they said, was in some miracle that might happen on some desolate rock island. And with the practicality of soldiers, they all sighed morosely. No one in China expected miracles.
Their only joy came in discussing the woman they had used the night before. Shi Po gathered from their crude comments that Auntie Ting had not survived the night. She tried to dredge up some feeling at the news—guilt, sadness, anything at all—but only emptiness echoed in her heart. Then she shifted her attention back to her own situation.
Shi Po moved away from her horse and the sour-smelling man who would be riding it with her on his lap. "I must speak with Mrs. Kang," she said firmly. She wasn't exactly sure what she intended; she only knew that the poisoned atmosphere of the Kang home had to change. The Kang family was too powerful to allow it to remain sick. After all, General Kang was China's great hope against white invasion. If he grew ill or unbalanced, who would protect China?
Perhaps she could explain this to Mrs. Kang. After all, there were ways to entice a wandering man back into one's arms, ways known to a Tigress. And Shi Po could write a letter to a Tigress in Peking introducing Mrs. Kang as a new student. Should she desire enlightenment.
Then, perhaps, the whole household would rebalance itself. Mrs. Kang would have her husband back, and General Kang would release his excess yang. If that happened, then there might be room for his gentler nature to shine through. Which would...
Be too late for herself or her children. She and Kui Yu would already be dead, but perhaps it would save someone else. Shi Po sighed. What else could she to do but stand in the cold, freezing her face and fingers? At least this way, she would get inside for a few moments.
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