And she believed him, for he had never lied to her. "Nor I," she whispered.
He lowered his head, kissing first her belly, then lower down, trailing over her hipbones into the hair that had regrown over her tigress tattoo. She tensed, fearing he would be revolted, but he didn't pause. Indeed, he tongued her. He teased and, tasted every part of her as he slowly, inevitably made his way down the tigress's neck to Shi Po's yin pearl.
But he didn't complete his motion, did not kiss her where she most wanted. He lifted his head, waiting until she met his gaze. He spoke:
"When we married, I could not possibly believe that a woman would make me feel complete. I wanted one—you—but she was a family name, a beauty, and an idea. But all those things were merely in complement to me." He shook his head. "I was such a fool. To read all that poetry and not understand any of it! To think that a woman—a wife—could exist outside of who I am is foolishness. I love you, and finally that love fills me with power."
She nodded. How could she not? It was true from her side as well. Kui Yu was part of her, and together, they were so much more.
"I love you," she said.
"And I love you," he repeated. Then he used his hands to open her body even wider. She trembled at his adjustments. She strained toward him, hungering for more as the yin tide pounded through her body.
"Kui Yu," she begged. "Let us climb to Heaven. Now."
But he denied her. "You must do something else for me first."
She lifted up onto her elbows, trying to see him better. "What?"
"You must laugh, my wife."
She blinked. She could not possibly have heard him correctly.
"You must laugh for me as you did when our children were born. As you did in prison."
She gaped at him.
"When you laugh, your entire body is set free. Your spirit. You release your desperate pain, your cares, your—"
"Earthly ties?" she asked.
He grinned. "Yes, exactly. You become free, Shi Po. I think it is the only time you fully release your spirit."
She snorted at that. He had again descended into bad poetics, and yet the humor of his words and wishes shimmered inside her: she had no other word for it. The thought, the laughter, it all sparkled inside her like a tiny jewel transmuted from fear and pain and confusion.
How she could laugh now, she had no idea. The same way, perhaps, that they could be making love the night before their possible execution. Whatever the reason, she did laugh. And the wonder of it all expanded inside her until that glitter of amusement became a light and the light became pure joy.
She laughed. And as Shi Po's body shook with happiness, Kui Yu dipped his head. His tongue found her yin pearl, his thumbs thrust inside her, and her trembling increased the yin. The surging power welled inside her, twisting her body in the jumping dance of a mature Tigress. She cried out in joy, her breath no longer able to sustain her mirth. Her body was contracting, shifting, riding the Tigress, but she didn't attempt Heaven yet. She knew she could not do what she must, not alone. She needed a partner. She needed her husband.
He understood. She watched him strip off his clothing with efficient speed. His dragon was already fully extended, flushed a dark and hungry red. She gripped his hips with her feet, and opened herself to him, and together they positioned him at the entrance to her cinnabar cave. The Tigress was tiring, the yin tide ebbing, so it was easier for him to settle upon her hips. But still he would not enter her.
"Kui Yu!" she gasped.
"Laugh," he answered.
"I cannot!" she gasped. She had no breath for more.
But he looked into her eyes and spoke. "I love you, and you love me," he said.
"Yes." Then it came again: The shimmer. The light. The joy. And she laughed. His dragon pushed a small way into her cave. She arched, wanting more, but he grabbed hold of her hips and kept her still.
"Again," he whispered.
"You are a foolish man," she chided.
He slipped his thumb down the Tigress's belly and rubbed her yin pearl. Her gasp ended on a giggle. And he pressed himself a little farther in. Again, he caressed her pearl, grinning as she cried out. He deepened his thrust when she turned her exclamation into a laugh.
"I love that sound," he murmured.
Then he was fully inside her, and she threw back her head. The yin tide exploded around Shi Po again, but this time she was not alone. This time he was with her as he pulled back and thrust in. He reached forward and took hold of her breasts. His movements were clumsy, but effective nonetheless.
He squeezed once, twice, and the yin circle began. It flowed from her breasts into his hands, into him. And with every thrust of his hips, every push of his dragon, he increased the flow, making the circle stronger. Wilder.
He was working hard, his breath coming in heavy pants. She helped as best she could. She gripped him with her legs, pulling him inside her again and again and again.
"Laugh!" he ordered.
She did, almost howling with delight.
"Again!"
She did. The sound filled the room, and the larger yang circle began. It made no sense to Shi Po, and yet she felt it. With every giggle, with every gasping sound of joy and light and love, the yang poured into her. Her breath drew it in. Her laughter encouraged it, and Kui Yu completed the journey.
His yang rushed down to meet her yin. Her yin rushed up to meet his yang. Two circles, two spirits, two chances at immortality.
Two spirits, two bodies.
One spirit, one body.
Heaven?
Once a man was punished and paraded through the streets for stealing. A friend saw him and asked what happened.
"Bad luck!" the man replied. "I saw a rope on the ground and thought to take it home."
"But why did they punish you so severely for such a small thing?" his friend asked.
"Because I didn't see there was a cow at the other end of the rope."
Chapter 18
Shi Po recognized where she'd landed; indeed, she'd visited this room many times—first in reality, then in her nightmares. But never had she expected to find this instead of the Chamber of a Thousand Swinging Lanterns.
Nonetheless, here she was, back in her aunt's house, shocked by the sight of her fifteen-year-old self lying on her bed. She'd spent a great deal of time doing that: staring at the ceiling in a house that was always cold, doing nothing, thinking nothing, being... nothing.
"Where are we?" came a voice from beside her: Kui Yu.
Shi Po jumped, startled to find her husband inside her nightmare. She had always been alone here. Except for her uncle. But he was different.
What did she say to Kui Yu, who looked about her dark little room with eyes that missed nothing? And how did she explain what she'd thought was an amazing luxury back then: a chamber to herself. And her only task was to help Auntie Ting care for her dying uncle.
"What's this?" Kui Yu asked. He crouched down and extended a hand to a discarded scroll, half unrolled on the floor. He tried to pick it up, but his hand went through it. This was a Heavenly representation, or a bad dream, but either way they were not actually here and so he could not actually touch anything. Thus, in the end, he simply read what was already revealed.
Shi Po felt the cold weight of shame press down on her.
"So, this is when you started," her husband said.
She nodded. Her aunt had given her the Tigress scroll, which detailed exactly how to fellate a man's dragon to gather his yang. There had been no other instruction. She'd simply gotten pictures without context, practice without understanding. She hadn't learned the full truth for years. Not until Kui Yu's building collapsed and she'd had to find money some way. So she had gone back to her aunt, who had hired her to instruct her newest girls in the Tigress secrets. She had not whored, though all accused her of it. She had not been able to stomach the thought.
Thus, she had taught the new girls. She had given them a skill, and meaning to what they
were forced to do. And she'd told her husband that Auntie Ting had loaned them the money out of kindness.
In truth it had been a kindness, because as an instructor Shi Po had searched far and wide to find more Tigress texts. She'd discovered that there was a thousand times more to being a Tigress than simple yang harvest. And she'd also learned she had a talent for teaching.
She'd already known she had skill in the practice.
"Where is this place?" Kui Yu asked, looking about the dilapidated house, at the room that had once been sumptuous but was now wretched.
"My aunt and uncle's old home. When he was still alive."
"The uncle that gambled everything away?"
Shi Po nodded, though honesty forced her to defend her uncle in some small measure. "Not everything. His illness took much as well."
"And you were brought in to care for him."
Shi Po nodded, validating the lie. But they were in an ethereal place, not on Earth. It was not so easy to lie here. So, even as she nodded, her thoughts echoed in the room and were transmitted to her husband.
I was brought in to kill my uncle.
Kui Yu started, and his eyes grew wide with shock. "It is true then? You killed him?"
She nodded, but once again the lie was exposed. But... she hadn't even thought it was a lie. My aunt could not do it alone. She needed my help.
Kui Yu returned to her side and touched her arm. That filled her with warmth. "Did you know what you were doing?" He grimaced as he gestured to the scroll. "Beyond the obvious, of course."
Yes, she had daily fellated her uncle. Sometimes twice. But she had thought...
"My aunt told me it was a gift to my uncle, and his to me. I did not know yang loss could kill. I only knew that I felt stronger afterward, and..." She almost laughed at her naiveté. "And that he was happy."
Kui Yu stepped closer to her. "Your aunt brought you here to... to suck the life out of your uncle?"
Shi Po felt her shame like a great pressure in her mind. But she had to answer. This was Heaven and Kui Yu could hear her thoughts.
"Auntie Ting married a wastrel. He was from a good family and had a sweet temper, but had no head for business. And he loved gambling. Had he lived, they would have starved."
"Why didn't she just stab him them? Why involve a young girl in such a sick scheme?"
"Because she had no wish for prison. No one knew what we did. No one even guessed. Most thought it was lucky fortune. All knew what kind of man he was."
"So she forced you to see him? She made you do that?" He gestured angrily at the scroll on fellatio.
"It worked. It took no more than a few months. And no one knew any different."
"The bitch!" Kui Yu spat.
As if on cue, the dream bedroom door burst open and Auntie Ting pushed her head in. She was younger, but her hair was already gray. It wasn't until later, with renewed wealth, that she'd dyed it a midnight black.
"He is ready," ordered her aunt.
The image of the fifteen-year-old Shi Po straightened with a sigh, adjusted her clothing and hair, and filed out the door. The real Shi Po closed her eyes, ashamed at her youthful obedience. How pliant she had been, how stupid. Even Kui Yu stared in open shock, voicing the question she'd constantly asked herself.
"Didn't you object? You were a gently reared girl. You couldn't possibly have thought this was acceptable!"
Shi Po shrugged, but her thoughts again projected clearly into the room. I knew it was wrong. I cried. I even fought the first few times. But... How to explain? She didn't even understand it herself.
"You were a child," Kui Yu said. "To whom would you complain? Your parents had given you to your aunt. And your father..."
"Would have thrown me out of both houses if he knew."
Kui Yu went on, "Better to keep it silent. Better to do as she asked."
Shi Po nodded, swallowing the lie. But she should have fought more. She should have thought harder, found a different answer; there were always alternatives for a resourceful person. But she had been young and stupid. She had simply accepted what she was told and prayed to Kwan Yin for an answer, for the goddess to swoop down and save her.
"I got what I wanted," she said to no one in particular, ignoring the twinge of pain in her heart. "I just didn't realize that the Goddess works in her own ways."
Kui Yu studied her, and his eyes narrowed. "Why are we here, Shi Po?" he asked.
She shook her head, not knowing the answer. Unless... "You want the same magical answer as I did, Kui Yu. You want Kwan Yin to save us, but she doesn't work that way."
He frowned, his attention drawn to where her younger self walked down the hallway. "What happened? Where are you going?"
Did he really want to know? Did he really need to see this?
Apparently he did, because no sooner had his question been asked than the answer appeared. The images shifted, and there was the young Shi Po walking into her uncle's bedroom. And Kui Yu watched in interest, gazing about the room.
The last of her uncle's wealth had been lavished here. His bed was thick, the rugs plush. Even the chair he sat in was large and elegantly carved, in the way of an Emperor's throne. And yet, her uncle seemed dwarfed by the seat, small and tiny in a silken shroud that he called his "smoking jacket" in the manner of the white barbarians.
Shi Po felt her stomach heave. How could she not know? How could she not see what she was doing to this kind-hearted man?
She glanced at her husband, who tilted his head to inspect her uncle. Though he was dying, her uncle still smiled warmly at the young Shi Po, and extended a small and withered hand to caress her hair.
"It is time for my medicine already?" he asked. Then he laughed at his own joke, the humor ending in a coughing wheeze. And she—stupid child that she was—hadn't even understood: What she'd done wasn't medicine; what she'd done was murder.
There she was, nodding her head like an imbecile. "Yes, uncle. The doctor said twice a day at least." But in the dream Shi Po frowned, showing that some part of her had wondered, that somewhere inside had been a spark of intelligence. "But are you sure it helps? Are you sure it makes you—"
"Absolutely," he said. "It is the most wonderful medicine ever." Then he waved her over and patted his lap in invitation. "But we needn't start immediately. Come, come, tell me what you did today."
So the young Shi Po went to him. She sat on his lap while he fondled her breasts and kissed her neck. She spoke of silly things: of shopping and the garden, of making tea and learning spices.
He had been the only one to listen to her, the only one who encouraged her interest in herbs. How she had blossomed under his rapt attention. How animated she became when she spoke. She didn't even mind when he touched her body, because he told her it helped him prepare for his medicine.
"Stop!" the older Shi Po ordered as she always did at this point. "Stop it now!" But it never ended. Instead, both uncle and youth stared at her, their dream mouths open in a kind of horror. But the horror was not enough to stop his hands.
She knew what came next. Hadn't she dreamed it often enough? Hadn't she lived through the nightmare time and time again? Why did she have to do it again now? With Kui Yu watching?
It continued as it always did. Without any volition on her part, she stepped forward. The younger Shi Po slipped off her uncle's lap, smiled sweetly and vapidly at her older self, then calmly walked out of the room. Beside her, Kui Yu frowned and tried to step in front of her.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
She felt her chest compress into a tight ball: She barely had enough breath to answer. "What I must. What I did," she answered.
And so it always was in her dream. Her younger self was saved, while the older one knelt before her uncle and gently separated his robe. Her uncle's dragon stood up as much as it ever did. And shouldn't that have told her younger self something? Shouldn't she have seen the clues, instead of just using the extra Tigress techniques for sluggish dragons?
&nb
sp; But she'd thought it was medicine. She was told that her uncle had too much yang, which had to be purged daily. So she'd believed it was a service, a task as necessary as bathing the infirm or leeching a poison.
Shi Po bent herself to her task. With hand and tongue, she was an expert. That her husband watched was an added horror, but also a great relief. Finally he would know why she'd fought him so hard, why she had stopped drawing out his yang after their second son was born.
Though it took forever, eventually her uncle neared his release. His dragon was stiff and red, his breath a rapid pant. Shi Po closed her eyes. She envisioned the yang energy that built in the dragon's belly, and readied herself to draw it out, to accept what was to come.
She hadn't understood it then, but now she knew that his fondling had brought her yin tide to a heightened level. That the smaller circle was already established—it came so easily to the young. And that once his yang explosion came, that would be enough.
Nearly there. A moment more.
She prepared to receive her uncle's gift, to draw off what she'd been told was excess yang. And when it came...
Around her, the room disappeared. Her uncle's dilapidated house faded, and out stepped the young Shi Po into the Chamber of a Thousand Swinging Lanterns.
Young Shi Po walked in awe, breathed the Heavenly air, and laughed in delight. Such joy was in her heart as she danced and twirled in time with the Heavenly music. She knew nothing of where she was, of course. Only that there was a rich reward for those with enough yin and yang in combination.
It was Kwan Yin who explained it to her. As Kui Yu watched, the Goddess joined the ecstatic dream Shi Po and told her they stood in the antechamber to Heaven. That there was so much more available if she wanted. If she was strong enough.
"I am!" the little one cried. "I will do anything to stay here!"
The young one hadn't seen the sadness etched on the Goddess's face. She was too busy laughing in delight, bubbling with the excitement that was Heaven. But the older Shi Po understood. She was the one who remained behind with her uncle.
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