by Aven Ellis
I have the sweetest boyfriend ever. I can’t believe he tracked down Nonna to make sure I was okay.
And I’m glad the only produce reference Nonna made was about him being a peach.
I read the next one:
Good morning. Call me when you are up. I loved hearing from you last night, even if you wanted to bake me a rust pie.
What? Heat burns in my cheeks. Good Lord, I’m afraid to hear what I said last night.
I reach the last message:
I’m so thankful for you.
My heart fills with love for him. Maybe Nonna is right. He’s not saying the words I want to hear, but his thoughts and gestures do. If he’s quiet and distracted, I have to trust that it’s not because of me.
Cade is The One.
And he’ll tell me I’m The One when he’s good and ready.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
I walk along the sidewalk with Jude in Cherry Creek North, the swanky shopping district in Denver, on a snowy Saturday in December. The windows are filled with holiday displays. People are bustling with shopping bags and juggling coffee cups as they finish up last-minute Christmas shopping.
And I’m helping Jude pick out an engagement ring for Sierra.
I glance at Jude, who has been quiet as we head toward the jeweler. His expression is serious, and I understand why. He’s about to change both their lives with his proposal. Jude told me it’s important to him that the ring is everything Sierra has ever dreamed of, so he asked me to come along and help him find the perfect one for the love of his life.
What Jude doesn’t understand is that no matter what ring he buys, Sierra will love and cherish it because it came from Jude, the only man she has ever loved. The man she wants forever with.
That’s how I’d feel if Cade proposed to me.
I bite my lip as snowflakes swirl around us. I thought Cade’s mood would pick up after Thanksgiving—when he told me he was thankful for me—but as soon as I got home he resumed his quiet, distracted state. The Mountain Lions are winning again, and Cade’s game has been solid. It’s not hockey that is causing him to retreat.
My stomach tightens again as I allow my brain to go to the dark place that it has been visiting on a regular basis.
Our relationship must be weighing on him.
Does he miss Cassidy? Is he imagining what it would have been like to spend the holiday with her as his fiancée after proposing in Greenland?
Sickness consumes me. I blink back tears. Is he second-guessing me? While he likes me and cares about me, is he thinking this can’t be forever for him? Is that why he’s moving through the robotics of tree decorating and lights and holiday baking with me, knowing my idea of adventure is using a different sugar cookie recipe? Because he can’t see me as his forever? Is his head fighting his heart?
“Here we are,” Jude says, interrupting my tortured thoughts.
I follow Jude into an exquisite jewelry boutique, one with windows filled with gorgeous diamond rings and necklaces and elaborate ornament and ribbon-boxed displays, each beckoning that the perfect holiday gift lies inside this shop, in a magical box with a bow.
And yet all I can think of is my perfect gift wouldn’t be anything found in a jewelry store.
It would be for Cade to say he loves me. That’s all I want for Christmas.
I sigh. I’ve officially created my own sappy Hallmark Christmas movie moment in my head.
Hopefully, like all good Hallmark movies, my Christmas wish will have a happy ending.
“Hello, may I help you?” an elegant woman asks. She’s tall and thin, and her platinum hair is perfectly coiffed. She strides up to us in an impeccable black pencil skirt suit with the most gorgeous holiday brooch on her jacket lapel.
“Yes,” Jude says. “I’d like to see your engagement rings, please.”
Her eyes light up as she looks from me to Jude. “Oh, yes, of course,” she says, smiling brightly. “My name is Elise.”
“Nice to meet you, Elise,” Jude says. “I’m Jude, and this is my friend, JoJo. She’s going to help me pick out a ring for my fiancée. Er, I mean, future fiancée. If she says yes, that is.”
Jude’s a bundle of nerves, and it’s funny to see because he’s always so relaxed and steady. He rolls with everything. Unlike Cade, who explodes when he’s pissed off on the ice, Jude is always calm.
But when it comes to buying an engagement ring, he’s anxious.
“You know she’ll love anything you select, Jude,” I say, trying to reassure him.
“No, it has to be perfect,” Jude says with determination. “She deserves a ring that she will love forever.”
Elise leads us to a counter and slips behind it. Jude leans forward across from her, gazing down at the dazzling array of choices under the glass.
“Anything in particular you’d like to see?” she asks. “A certain cut of diamond?”
“I need something unique, not traditional,” Jude says. “But not modern.”
Then he turns to me and smiles wryly. “That’s not confusing, is it?”
“Don’t worry, we’ll find one that is perfect for her,” Elise says confidently.
She pulls out some trays and puts them on top of the glass. Jude studies a few, but while they are all gorgeous, nothing is uniquely Sierra.
“Can we try a more vintage style?” I ask.
“Of course,” Elise says, returning the rings to the case. “If you will follow me down here, I have some vintage rings for you to see.”
We move down to the end of the long counter, where Elise pulls out another display for us to view. This selection contains truly unique rings, different from the diamond cuts and platinum bands that are popular right now.
Jude pauses and picks up a ring that has a cluster of diamonds shaped like a snowflake.
“Sierra loves the snow,” Jude says softly, studying it.
“That one has been here a while,” Elise says. “But it has a fascinating history. It is a Georgian period ring made in 1780 in England.”
“It’s an English ring?” Jude asks, his eyes lighting up.
Elise nods. “Yes. This ring has a long history, that’s for sure. The diamonds are set to resemble a snowflake in sterling silver, and the band is 15-karat gold.”
“Sierra is like a snowflake to me,” Jude says softly, continuing to study the ring. “Nobody is like her.”
Tears prick my eyes when I hear the love in Jude’s voice.
“Nobody else will have a ring like this,” Jude continues.
“That is correct,” Elise says, smiling at him. “Now the ring is a six, but we can resize it for your intended, of course.”
Jude and I stare at each other, knowing that is Sierra’s exact ring size.
“This is her ring,” Jude says, nodding with certainty. “Just as it is.”
“Congratulations,” Elise says, smiling brightly at him. “I think she’ll love it. Let me ring this up for you and bring you all the paperwork.”
I smile at Jude as Elise walks away. “You didn’t need me at all,” I say. “You picked out the perfect ring all by yourself.”
Jude grins at me. “I can’t wait to propose to her on Christmas Eve. I already asked her father, and the whole family knows, so after dinner, I’m doing it.”
I lean forward and hug Jude. “I’m so happy for you guys.”
Jude hugs me back. “Thank you.”
I step back from him. “So what made you decide now?”
“We were taking in the Christmas lights a few nights ago,” he explains. “It started to snow, and she was laughing and was so excited about Christmas and me spending it in Indianapolis with her family. I always knew I was going to marry her, hell, I pretty much knew it straight away, you know. But in that moment, I realized I wanted it now. I want her to be my wife next Christmas. I want to spend every Christmas with her as my wife. Forever.”
A tear slips down my face, and Jude blinks in surprise.
“JoJo? Are you okay?” h
e asks, his voice filled with concern.
I force a smile on my face. “Happy tears.”
I’m so happy for Jude and Sierra. My best friend is going to marry a wonderful man, and I’m overjoyed for what the future holds for them.
“All right, Jude, if you want to come have a seat over here, we’ll take care of you,” Elise says, interrupting my thoughts.
“Perfect, thank you,” Jude says, following her to a desk and having a seat.
I linger at the counter, absently staring at the engagement rings in front of me, wondering if the man I love more than anything will ever want to propose to me. I don’t want a proposal now, but I deserve to know what is going on in his head. If he can see this being a possibility in our future. I thought I could swallow down my feelings and just wait for him to get there, but the more Cade pulls away, the less patience I have.
I need to talk to him. Tell him what I feel. I have to know if I’m the reason he’s been acting weird since November. Is it because he’s not sure? Is it because of Cassidy? Even if I’m overreacting to things, I need his reassurance. And if it’s not me, I need to know what’s wrong. Real couples communicate. Not bury their feelings like I have been doing. Or remain quiet and withdrawn like Cade.
I’m going to do it.
I’m going to do what Nonna told me to do a few weeks ago. I’m going to have an adult conversation with Cade, express my concerns, and see where we stand when all is said and done.
And I pray with everything I have that my heart isn’t left in pieces in the end.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
I’m going to be sick.
Cade and I are supposed to go out to eat, get coffee, and then stroll around Denver taking in the Christmas lights for a romantic holiday evening, but I can’t do it tonight.
I can’t celebrate anything with Cade until I’ve had an honest conversation with him about how I’m feeling. How confused I am by his behavior. If he’s not falling for me, he needs to tell me. I want to know what his doubts are about us, if he has any. After what happened with Marco, I can’t be blindsided again.
Tears fill my eyes. I know if Cade tells me he’s having doubts and concerns, I’ll be devastated. But I can’t ignore this anymore. I can’t live in this state of trying to guess what the problem is. If it’s me, I need to know.
Even though knowing that will destroy my heart.
I rap on the door, anxiety washing over me as I wait for him to answer. Soon the lock is being turned and the sound turns my stomach into ice.
Cade opens the door, smiling at me. “Hey, come on in.”
Cade reaches for his coat off the hook on the wall, but I put my hand on his arm to stop him.
“Cade, we need to talk,” I say, my voice thick.
His jade eyes widen in shock. I can tell I’ve caught him completely off-guard with my request. Cade’s hand remains frozen over the coat as if he’s unable to move.
“What?” he repeats in a whisper.
I swallow hard to force the words out. “We need to talk. About us. About what I’m feeling.”
Cade drops his parka on the floor. He takes a few steps backward, and I see nothing but anguish on his handsome face.
“Don’t do this,” he says, sticking his hand out. “Please don’t do this.”
“Don’t talk about how I feel?” I ask, incredulous. “You don’t want to know how I’m feeling? I’m your girlfriend. You should want to know what I’m feeling.”
Cade begins pacing. “No. I don’t. Not before Christmas. Please don’t.”
His reaction is not what I was expecting. Cade looks panicked and fear-stricken. Does he think we’ve reached the end? That it’s time to commit to moving forward or split up?
“I don’t care that it’s before Christmas,” I snap, anger surging through me. “I’m not going to schedule my feelings to suit you.”
Cade stops dead in his tracks, his eyes flashing. “Is that what you think? That this is somehow inconvenient for me?”
My emotions are escalating beyond my grasp, but I don’t care.
“You know what, Cade? I don’t know what to think. I agreed to go slowly with you. And I was fine with that. But now you’re being all distant and strange, and I can’t read you at all. If you don’t see us moving forward, you need to tell me. You asked for honesty from me, remember? And now you don’t want it?”
“What?” Cade asks, his own voice rising. “What are you talking about?”
“You have been a different person since November,” I say, my voice shaking. “You’re quiet and distant. I thought it was hockey. I convinced myself of that. But now the team is playing well, so I know it’s not. It has to be me. Are you confused about how you feel for me, Cade?”
“Josephine, you’re wrong. You couldn’t be more wrong,” Cade pleads passionately.
“Am I?” I shout at him. “How would I know? You’ve withdrawn from me. How do you expect me to feel? It’s the holidays and my boyfriend acts like he’d rather it be over than celebrate it.”
“I do wish they were over!” Cade yells back, catching me off guard. “I hate Christmas!”
“What? Why?”
“Because people say things they don’t mean just because of the freaking season!” he spits angrily.
I gasp at his admission.
My instincts were right.
Cade doesn’t want to say he loves me.
Because if he did, the season wouldn’t matter.
He would simply say it.
“I fell in love with you,” I choke out. “And I didn’t want to tell you because you were so tentative about love. So, I buried it inside and vowed to wait for you to fall in love with me. But you can’t, can you?”
Cade looks as though I’ve slapped him.
“You love me?”
Oh, God. Cade didn’t want to hear that from me. He isn’t even close to loving me. The shocked expression on his face reveals that painful fact.
I can’t take this. I can’t look at him for another second or I’ll fall apart in front of him.
“I’m leaving.”
I turn and open the door, but Cade’s hand bears down hard on the wood, slamming it shut with urgency.
“No,” Cade commands. “You’re not leaving now. Not after saying what you just said.”
I whirl around, anger consuming me. And before I can stop myself, I blow up.
“You don’t have a choice in what I do! Open the door!” I yell, turning back around and jerking on the door handle.
“I will not. You don’t get to drop bombshells and retreat,” Cade snaps angrily.
Furious, I turn back around. We’re inches apart, nothing but anger filling the small space between us.
“You want more from me? Now you’re willing to listen? When two seconds ago, you dictated that I not speak until after the freaking holidays? Fine. I’ll give you more. I want someone who can be open and honest with what is in his heart. You’re incapable of that. And I think it’s because you wish I were more like Cassidy. Are you having doubts because I can’t fish or hike or do all the things she did?”
I see pure anger flash in Cade’s eyes.
“Now you’re pissing me off,” Cade says, his voice low. “How can you even think I want you to be like Cassidy? If I wanted someone like that, I’d date someone like that, so don’t you throw that on me.”
“Throw it on you? Are you serious? You have left me sitting in the dark, grasping at straws, trying to figure out what’s wrong because you couldn’t tell me your feelings,” I rail at him.
“Are you really going there? You accuse me of not being honest when you’ve had all these doubts, obviously the whole time, and you never brought them up with me? So your rules apply to me, but not to you? Talk about convenient, Josephine.”
His words strike me. I realize he’s right, but I’m so upset and furious, I can’t admit it to him.
“I need a man who can tell me how he feels,” I say, my voice shaking in anger. “I t
hought I could live without that, but I realize now I can’t. I need a man who can share his worries with me, his doubts, his deepest fears. If you can’t open up to me, I know I’m not that woman for you. Because if you did love me, or if you were falling in love with me, you would share it. Now let me out!”
To my surprise, Cade lets go of the door. I storm past him, but as I head down the hallway to the elevator, he calls out after me.
“You want from me what you couldn’t give,” Cade says.
I turn back to face him.
“You didn’t tell me what you were feeling until you let this build up, and you come in like a bull in a china shop, accusing me of having thoughts I never had. How about you being open and honest? Because you’re no better at it than I am.”
Anger is so strong in me I can’t say anything.
Or is it because deep down I know he’s right?
I whirl back around, tears streaming down my face, and jab the elevator button. The doors open, and just as I’m about to step inside, Cade has the final word.
“Josephine, I loved you.”
I freeze. My heart drops out, and Cade stares at me with nothing but anguish in his eyes.
But before I can reply, he storms back into his apartment and slams the door behind him.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
I stand at the elevator, ignoring the doors that have opened for me to step inside.
Josephine, I loved you.
Cade’s anguished words ring over and over in my head. I remain rooted to the floor, unable to move. The doors close and the elevator goes up, leaving me alone in the empty hallway.
I loved you.
I feel my knees wobble underneath me. I can’t breathe. Heartbreak engulfs me, drowning me whole and leaving me with a pain I have never felt before. I sink to the floor, gasping for breath as panic takes over.
I’ve lost Cade.
And he loved me.
An anguished sob escapes my throat, and breathing becomes harder the more I cry. I want to take everything back. I want to undo what I’ve done, to have not charged in there and ambushed him. I want to tell him he’s right. I expected all this honesty from him when the truth is, I was too afraid to give it myself.
