by Aven Ellis
Maybe if I were calm, he would have felt safe enough to tell me what was really going on inside his head. If I wouldn’t have started yelling and acting so out of control, Cade and I could have talked like rational people . . .
If, If, If.
Ding!
I hear the elevator doors open.
“Oh, my God, JoJo!” Sierra’s voice cries out. “What’s happened?”
Within seconds, Sierra is on one side of me and Jude is on the other. Leia sniffs my nose with hers and then licks the tears off my face.
“Did someone hurt you?” Jude asks urgently.
“No,” I gasp, shaking my head.
“Are you sick?” Sierra immediately questions. “What happened?”
“Where’s Cade?” Jude says.
At the mention of Cade’s name, I begin to hyperventilate.
“Sit up,” Jude says, forcing me to sit back. “I’ll get him.”
“No!” I manage to gasp. “No! No Cade!”
“Okay, okay, no Cade,” Sierra says, shooting Jude a look. “Breathe. You need to calm down and breathe.”
Sierra begins stroking my hair, my best friend doing all she can to try and soothe me.
“Shhh,” she urges softly.
My heart is spiraling in panic. I’m crying and can’t breathe. Sierra continues to mumble soft words, but I can’t focus on what she is saying. Leia is right next to her, not leaving my side, and neither does Jude, who has his hand wrapped over mine, trying to help me.
After what seems like an eternity, I calm down. I continue crying, but I can breathe again.
“We broke up,” I say, choking the words out. “And he loved me.”
I fall apart all over again.
“We’re going to take you back to the apartment,” Sierra says. “And we’ll talk.”
I nod. Sierra and Jude lift me to my feet and guide me into the elevator. As soon as we step inside, Leia stands in front of me as if to protect me.
In the middle of the greatest pain I’ve ever known, I see my family has me. Not my Chicago family, but my Denver family. The family not created by blood but by choice.
“I’m so grateful for you both,” I say softly.
“We love you, JoJo. And whatever happened, we’ll fix it.”
I swallow hard. I love Sierra for wanting to try, but Cade said, “loved.” Not “love.” He loved me, not the bull in a china shop accusing him of not being honest with his feelings when I wasn’t honest with my own.
We get back to our apartment, and Sierra and Jude guide me to the couch. Sierra helps me take off my coat, and Jude hands me a box of tissues off the end table before sitting down next to me.
“Thank you,” I say softly.
Sierra comes back, reaches for the thick throw blanket across the back of the sofa, and gently drapes it across my lap before sitting down on the other side of me.
“Can you talk about it?” she asks softly.
A huge lump swells in my throat. It’s a few moments before I can speak.
“We had a huge fight,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. “I couldn’t understand why he’s been acting so quiet and reserved during this whole holiday season. It started before Thanksgiving. All I could think of is that maybe Cade started to realize how different I was from Cassidy. I’m not brave and adventurous and I’ll never kayak in Greenland. I wondere—” I stop, as I have to compose myself to finish the sentence, “I wondered if he doubted if I was what he truly wanted.”
I feel Jude sit straight up beside me. I glance at him and see something in his blue eyes.
“Did he say anything about Cassidy?” he asks, his eyes searching mine.
“That if he wanted someone like her, he’d date someone like her,” I admit.
Jude exhales slowly. “You need to know something.”
Fresh tears spill down my cheeks. “That he was going to propose to her in Greenland? I already know that.”
“What?” both Jude and Sierra ask at the same time.
“He was going to propose to Cassidy?” Sierra asks, incredulous.
“Where on earth did you get that idea?” Jude asks, shock resonating in his voice. “He wasn’t going to propose to her.”
I stare at Jude in confusion. “What?”
“I mean, of course, he talked about seeing a future with her, but you did that with your ex, too, right?”
Guilt consumes me. Jude’s right.
“Yes,” I admit, heat burning in my cheeks.
“Cade never got further than that. Greenland was just a trip,” Jude says. Then he pauses for a moment and clears his throat. “But there’s something you need to know about the breakup with Cassidy.”
I sit very still, my heart hammering in my ears as I wait for him to continue.
“Cassidy broke up with him on Christmas Eve in a text,” Jude says.
“What?” I gasp, stunned. “I knew it was a text, but on Christmas Eve?”
“Yes. Cassidy told him she was swept up in the holiday. That she felt compelled to say things she wasn’t sure she truly felt. White lies that began to snowball into bigger ones. When Cade told her he loved her, she felt like she had to say it back. She tried to convince herself that she should love him. He was perfect on paper, and it was Christmas, what kind of girl tells her boyfriend she’s not sure during a holiday? She not only broke his heart, but humiliated him by dumping him on Christmas Eve.”
The wind is knocked out of me. The room stands still as realization hits me full force.
Oh, my God.
His remoteness makes sense.
Cade was terrified of history repeating itself.
“They started fighting a lot. He thought it was growing pains. Cassidy finally told him the truth on Christmas Eve, and it destroyed him,” Jude says. “He lost trust in women for a long time after that. He told me if he were to get into another relationship, he’d be really cautious. To make sure it was real. Honesty was going to be a priority for him.”
The cake fight flashes in my head. How I couldn’t understand why he was getting so upset over a stupid cake.
But now I get it.
He saw my white lie as history coming back around again.
I bite down hard on my lip, tasting the saltiness of my tears. Cade’s distance was fear of me not loving him back, and he was too scared to admit his own feelings first because of it.
Just like I was scared of admitting my love to him.
Cade loved me, just as I was.
Loved.
“Excuse me,” I say, abruptly standing up.
“Are you okay?” Sierra asks.
“I need to talk to Nonna,” I say, moving over to the breakfast bar and picking up my purse. Then I turn to Jude. “Thank you for telling me all of that, Jude. Things make sense now. And even if—” I stop speaking as tears threaten to break loose again. “Even if Cade doesn’t want to get back together, at least I’ll understand what happened,” I manage to get out. “Thank you for that.”
I turn and go to my room, shutting the door behind me. I need my Nonna. I need to hear her voice. I need her wisdom. I need to know if she thinks there is any way Cade and I can work this out.
Through my tears, I retrieve my phone and request a Connectivity Video Connect, praying she’s home and not off at bingo or something.
Before I know it, Nonna accepts my request.
“JoJo, what a surprise on a Saturday night!” she says in delight. When she sees my face, her expression changes. “What’s wrong?”
“Oh, Nonna,” I wail, losing it. “Cade and I broke up. Can you talk to me? Alone?”
“You are not broken up for good, my sweet JoJo. The legend of the apron is never wrong,” she says. “It’s just me and Pops here right now, go ahead and talk.”
The whole story pours out of me. I tell her about Cassidy and the fight we had and how he said he loved me in the past tense. Nonna listens without flinching, letting me cry my heart out until I’m finished.
“Are you done?” Nonna finally asks.
I nod. “Yes.”
“JoJo, do you know why you are fearless at work? How you stand up to your troll of a boss and say what you believe? How you aren’t afraid to speak from your heart? Because you are confident in your work. You know you are an amazing baker. You believe in your gift, and you passionately defend it. But love? With love, you don’t believe in yourself. You didn’t share your feelings because fear of losing Cade crippled you.”
Nonna is right.
When I’m confident, I live passionately and freely and will fight for what I want.
With Cade, I held myself back. For fear of chasing him off. For not being a forever choice for him.
“Nonna, you’re right.”
“Of course I am.”
“But Cade doesn’t love me anymore. I killed that.”
“Don’t be your mother and overdramatize,” Nonna says. “Cade still loves you, deeply and with all his heart. I know it. The apron is never wrong.”
“Nonna, I don’t believe the apron has anything to do with this.”
“Oh, yes, it does. That man fell for you when you were wearing an old apron and that says volumes about him. He saw the apron and the woman underneath it, and he liked what he saw that night. He saw the real you, JoJo. He fell in love with you, the baker in the vintage apron. You, just the way you are.”
A flicker of hope is lit in my heart.
“Do you think he can forgive me?” I ask.
“Do you forgive him?”
I nod. “I do.”
“He’ll forgive you. You just have to be brave enough to go after love. To fight for it like you fight for everything else in your life. You have to leap before you can fly, my love. You might fall. Or you might soar. But you’ll never know until you are brave enough to try.”
I stop crying. Nonna is right. Cade does love me. Me. Not some girl who can kayak. He’s not pining for Cassidy. He’s in love with me, the Chicago girl with a crazy family and a passion for baking.
Just as I love him. The hockey player who is hated all over the league but sweet and gentle off the ice. The man who is passionate about history and the outdoors and wants to write novels when his career is done.
This is the man I love.
If I want to fly, I have to take a leap of faith first.
And I’m willing to take that leap for Cade.
“Only one question remains,” Nonna says.
“What’s that?”
“Why are you talking to me when you should be with Cade? Go to him, JoJo. Don’t let another moment pass. Go to the man you love, and tell him everything that is in your heart. Now.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
The second I hang up with Nonna, the door to my bedroom flies open. I gasp as the doorknob smashes into the wall, leaving a hole, and find a furious Cade standing in my doorway. He reaches behind him, yanks the door out of the wall, and slams it shut behind him.
I spring off the bed, shocked by his appearance. His jaw is set, and his chest rises and falls at a rapid pace. Cade’s hands are balled at his sides. I’ve only seen this look when he’s pissed off on the ice, about to fight an opponent.
Despair and panic consume me.
Oh, God, Cade hates me. He’s going to—
Wait.
My eyes meet his. I see something unexpected.
His jade-eyes are rimmed with red, and they are desperately searching mine.
Not in anger.
But in anguish.
“Cade,” I whisper, my voice breaking. “Cade, I—”
The second I say his name, Cade strides toward me, closing the gap between us. Then his mouth is on mine, kissing me hard and fast. His kiss is desperate as if he fears he will never be able to kiss me again. I feel his hands in my hair as his mouth sears against mine, pulling me closer.
As if he can’t bear to let me go.
Tears spill from my eyes as I touch his face, feeling the familiar stubble against my fingertips, inhaling the familiar scent of the sage and citrus soap lingering on his skin.
Cade breaks the kiss and frames my face in his strong hands. He stares down at me, his eyes filled with unshed tears.
“Josephine, I love you,” he says, his voice thick. “I waited forever to find you. I can’t lose you now. I can’t. Please, please forgive me. Don’t let go of us. Please.”
My gaze never wavers from his. “I love you with all my heart, Cade. I love you, and you have to promise to forgive me. Because what you said was the truth. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you everything going on in my head.”
I watch as Cade swallows hard as if he’s struggling to keep it together.
“I’m sorry, too. I put the past on you, Josephine. And it wasn’t yours to bear. I know you don’t understand what I’m saying. I’ll explain everythi—”
“Jude explained everything,” I say softly, pressing my palm against his cheek. “Including the Christmas Eve text.”
Cade winces. “I should have told you that part, but I didn’t want you to feel sorry for me.”
“But now I understand why the holidays were weighing on you.”
“I’m so sorry, Josephine. It’s not fair. Or even rational. But I was so afraid you might get swept up in the romance of the season, and I was sick to death over the thought of losing you when it ended.”
“I was swept up in you long before Christmas. Or Thanksgiving, even,” I admit. “Cade, I fell in love with you right away. I kept questioning if I could really have these feelings so fast, but my heart knew. It knew you were for me all along.”
“I fell half in love with you that night you showed up at my door wearing that apron. You’ve had my heart ever since,” Cade says gently as he runs his hand through my hair and cradles the back of my head. “You have my heart in a way no woman ever has. Or ever will. I fell hard and fast, and I tried to slow it down, but I couldn’t. My heart knew you were The One. It knew.”
He pauses for a moment. “Josephine, I was terrified of losing you. Now it sounds so freaking stupid, but I kept reliving last Christmas in my head. But this time it was different. Because you were The One. I knew I wouldn’t survive if you decided I wasn’t the man for you.”
“You are,” I say, letting the tears fall freely. “I knew that same night in your apartment, Cade. And I believe now more than ever there’s no timetable for love. When it’s right, you know. I love you for the man you are. How you live your life with passion. Your intelligence, your humor, your soulful heart. I was terrified I’d lose you, too. We both feared that because of our previous relationships. And I was worried that I couldn’t compare to Cassidy. I’m never going to be the girl who wants to ride river rapids with you. I’m so different from her, and I wondered if I could be enough for you long-term.”
“Sweetheart, don’t you see? You don’t compare to Cassidy because you’re you. You’re the woman I love. I love how driven you are at work. How you are so passionate about baking and building your career. Your kind heart. I love your super-taster ability, your insane knowledge of The Golden Girls, and how you treasure the family history in your apron. I don’t need for you to be an outdoors girl. I need for you to be you. And for you to love me.”
“I do love you,” I murmur. “So much.”
Cade drops a gentle kiss on my lips, and I have nothing but joy in my heart.
“I was going to tell you after the holidays that I loved you,” he admits. “God, I’m such an asshole. I should have told you as soon as I knew it.”
“No,” I say firmly. “You were scared. I was, too. But we had to get over our fears of taking that leap so we could fly. We just did that, Cade. We did it together. We didn’t crash. We have love instead.”
Cade smiles at me. “Those are very wise words.”
I grin up at him. “Nonna gets the credit.”
Cade locks his arms around my waist. “Do you know why I’ve refused to tell you the last tattoo on my ribcage?”
“You sai
d there would be a time to tell me because it’s the most special one.”
“It is. You know my tattoos are all things that are important to me. About how I want to live my life. Life. Dream. Passion. Happiness.”
I nod.
“The last one,” Cade says, his eyes going soft, “is love. I’ve found it with you. I got this tattoo after I broke up with Cassidy and vowed that someday I’d find real love. And I would only share that meaning with The One when it was time. It’s time now. My love belongs to you, Josephine. Always.”
Tears fill my eyes. “You mean . . . the last tattoo is for me?”
“Yes. You’re my love, my life, my dream, my passion, my happiness. You complete the list for me.”
“I love you so much,” I say, drawing his face to mine for a kiss.
We kiss slowly and sweetly, and I’m so happy I could burst. I break the kiss and look up at him.
“Nonna told me our love was worth fighting for,” I say. “I was about to go find you when you burst through the door.”
“I’m impatient,” Cade jokes.
We both laugh.
“I can’t wait to meet your family in person,” Cade says, grinning at me. “And be a part of it.”
“You’ll regret saying that. We’re dramatic. Loud. Crazy.”
“But they gave me you,” Cade says. “I love them for that alone. The rest is just fun.”
Oh, I love this man so much.
“You won’t regret having to go hiking by yourself?” I ask.
Cade shakes his head. “No. You can do the easy walks with me, and as long as you can refrain from staring at my ass, you’ll be fine.”
My cheeks grow hot, and Cade laughs.
“But my sweet Josephine, even if you didn’t want to hike, that’s fine. I can have my outdoor interests be mine. Just like baking is yours. Because you don’t want me burning up our kitchen someday, do you?”
Our kitchen. I have a future with this man, this gorgeous man with a beautiful heart, and I feel so incredibly grateful to call Cade mine.
“If you burn down my dream kitchen, I’ll go postal on your ass,” I tease.
Cade’s expression goes serious. “I’m going to give you that, Josephine. I’m going to marry you, and I’m going to build you a chef’s kitchen.”
