If I'd Known

by Paige P. Horne

  The light goes off in the kitchen, and Mama stands at the doorway, untying her apron.

  “I’m going to head on to bed,” she says, hanging it up on the nail that’s in the wall.

  “Okay,” I reply with the beginnings of a fake yawn. “Goodnight,” I say, stretching my arms out. I’m laying it on

  thick, I know.

  “Goodnight. You better go, too, if y’all are getting up that early.”

  “Huh?” I ask.

  “You and Jennie,” she says.

  “Oh yeah. Sorry, I was thinking about something else.”

  She narrows her eyes at me.

  “Goodnight,” I say again.

  “Goodnight, crazy girl.” I watch her as she makes her way down the hall, exhaling once her door shuts. I ball my hands and drop them to my thighs, running my fingernails over my jeans. My eyes go to the ticking clock, and I bite my lip as the big hand moves slower than a slug.

  ––––

  Bright moonlight beams down on the road before me, and I can hear the waves as they roll onto the sand one after another. The wind blows through my open windows, tossing my hair around my neck, and the taste of sea salt is on my tongue. Butterflies swarm inside my stomach as I grip the wheel and turn off the main road.

  As I near Taylor Creek, I see Travis resting back against his car. After parking the car, I let the windows up and kill the ignition before I step out.

  I bite my lip, trying to contain the excitement I feel. He grins and shows me dimples that make my knees weak.

  As if on cue, he pushes off the front of his car and walks toward me. Long dark hair rests behind his ears, and it curls slightly at the bottom. He wears jeans and a matching blue jean button-up that’s half-tucked into the front of his brown belt. My heart kicks up as he nears, and my legs move on their own to meet him. I jump into his arms and link my ankles behind his back.

  He laughs. It’s deep and makes my stomach flip. “I was starting to think you weren’t gonna show,” he says before his lips crash against mine. He walks us a few steps back, so I’m pressing against my car. I bring my hands down to his arms, trying to keep my balance. Hands with permanent grease stains touch my cheeks, and I grip tighter as he deepens our kiss, making me want more…so much more.

  He slowly pulls back and rests his forehead against mine. Opening my eyes, I see his staring back at me.

  “I’m sorry, baby,” he murmurs. “I know I don’t make things easy for us.” He gives me a quick peck, and I put my feet back on the ground. “Come on,” he says, grabbing my hand.

  We take his car and head toward the beach. Once he parks it, we both get out and he grabs a blanket and a cooler from the back seat. He takes my hand again, walking us up the stairs that lead to the beach entrance.

  At the bottom, I slip my sandals off, and once we are where he wants us, he tosses the blanket down and we both take a seat. The moon is bright above us, so I can see everything. We are alone, nothing but two beating hearts and an endless ocean.

  “What did you want to show me?” I ask him.

  “Patience, girl,” he says, smiling at me. He reaches over and opens the cooler. Grabbing a beer out, he offers me one.

  I shrug. “Why not?” I say, taking it from him and popping the top. I take a sip and scrunch my face as I swallow.

  “That bad?” he laughs.

  “That bad,” I say, putting it down beside me. After he opens his, he takes a big gulp and rests back on the blanket. I lean back on my hands and kick sand off my toes with my others.

  We sit in silence for a while, enjoying each other’s company, as he sips his beer and the wind slowly moves the spacious clouds above us to reveal the millions of stars. “What do you want out of life, Charlotte?” he asks me moments later.

  I look over at him and study his face before I turn my attention back in front of me. With a deep sigh, I reply, “I don’t know. What does everyone want?” I shrug. “A good, long life surrounded by people who love you and you them. A job that doesn’t make you dread going to it every day and a nice house to come home to.”

  “Yeah,” he says, nodding his head. “That’s probably what a lot of people would want, but what about you?” he asks.

  “What about me…” I say, thinking out loud. I smile and take my bottom lip between my teeth.

  “I’d like a little house with the ocean as my backyard,” I answer, waving my hand out at it. “A porch that I can sit out on and enjoy a cold glass of sweet tea in the evenings, maybe while reading a good book with only the waves as background noise.” I move my hair behind my ear.

  “I’d like a couple of babies, maybe a dog, and a cat, too,” I say with a shrug of my shoulders. I look over at him. He wears a small grin and searches my face with wonder.

  “What about you, Travis Cole? What do you want out of this life?” I smile and hit his foot playfully.

  He answers without thought, “To give you everything you just said.”

  I stare at him, and my smile fades as his eyes never leave mine. He leans in and lifts his hand to the side of my face.

  “I love you, Charlotte, and I’ll spend my whole life making sure you know that.” He kisses me, and my eyes fill with tears as he pulls back.

  “I love you, too,” I say with a small smile.

  “I know,” he says, showing me those dimples, and then I see something. I look harder as I see tiny somethings moving.

  “Travis,” I say, looking past him. His head follows my gaze, and I move a piece of my hair from my face.

  “What is that?” I look over at him before I look again at the tiny things.

  “Sea turtles.”

  “Turtles?” I grin.

  “Yep, baby sea turtles,” he confirms.

  “Is this what you wanted to show me?” I ask, standing up.

  “Yes,” he says.

  “Oh my gosh! Travis!”

  He stands and takes my hand. “Come on, let’s go watch them make it out to sea.”

  We carefully walk over, hand in hand, as they shimmy their way out from under the sand one by one. Some are already on their adventure, making a beeline straight to the water.

  “They’re adorable!” I say as they emerge from their nesting spot. I look over at Travis. He’s watching me with a small smile on his lips.

  “You’re adorable,” he says as he pulls me to him and kisses me. I pull back slowly and search his eyes.

  “I love you,” I say to him.

  “I know,” he murmurs.

  Chapter Seven

  I sweep the broom across my porch as calmer waves than yesterday’s crash against the compacted sand. It was still flooding when the girls left my house last night, but the storm stopped sometime after I went to bed.

  Resting against the handle of the broom, I stare out as gray clouds swirl above like smoke from a drifting fire. Earlier this morning, I found myself watching videos from long ago like I do every time this year. Sweet moments that at the time I never thought would be delicate memories. How can so many years pass by, yet this heartache doesn’t go away? People say time is the only healer, but my wounded heart only scabs over until a memory comes along and rips it away, bringing me to my knees all over again.

  Today is his birthday, a day I choose to spend crying and feeling sorry for myself. We got cheated. There’s no other way to describe it. I see old friends on social media, happy with their partners. Some have been married for over forty years, yet here I am…alone. I can’t date because no one will compare, and I honestly just don’t have the energy for it. I sigh and rest the broom against the patio couch.

  Opening the screen door, I take a seat on the steps and roll the bottom of my jeans up. Resting my forearm across one knee and my elbow on the other, I turn my face into the palm of my hand and let heartbreak pour from my eyes once again.

  ––––

  I’m watching my soaps when I hear a little horn blow outside and I turn to look out the door to see Cynthia and Maggie getting off th
e Vespa. Jesus, what a sight. I almost laugh, but my sour mood forbids it. I’m back in my pajamas and have not a drop of makeup on, so answering the door is not happening. Maybe they’ll go away. Leave me be, so I can drown in my tears and watch as Victor Newman makes his family drown in theirs also. But the knocking continues, and once I hear my name being called, I grumble and pause the television.

  “Open up, Charlotte!” Maggie yells.

  “I’m coming,” I call back to her in a voice that hasn’t been used all day. I clear my throat when I get to the glass door and see the two in birthday hats. What in the hell? As soon as I open the door, Tweedledee and Tweedledum place party blowers between their lips and give them a blow, and then they put a damn smile on my face by singing “Happy Birthday” to Travis in the highest pitch imaginable.

  Cynthia hollers and claps her hands while Maggie does a little dance holding onto a small cake that reads Happy B-day Travis.

  I laugh. “How did y’all know?”

  “It’s on your lighthouse calendar,” Cynthia says, walking past me.

  “You look like shit,” Maggie says.

  “Well, thanks.” I move so she can walk in, too.

  “So, what are you doing right now?” Cynthia calls behind her.

  I look down at my outfit. “You’re looking at it,” I reply, unenthused, as I shut the glass door and walk to the kitchen where they already are.

  “What do you think Travis would want to do right now?” she asks with a mischievous grin as she slides onto the kitchen counter, reminding me of myself when I was a girl, but then I think about her question. Younger Travis would want to get into some trouble. Listen to some music, drink some beers, smoke some pot, and hang out with me. Older Travis was more cautious, but he’d still want to listen to some music, drink some beers, smoke some pot, and hang out with me.

  “He would want to party,” I say.

  “That’s what I thought.” Cynthia smiles as she locks eyes with Maggie. “Come on, you can ride with me on the scooter!” Oh hell.

  ––––

  I don’t know how they talked me into this. I already accepted the fact I wanted to do nothing today but feel sorry for myself, yet here I am, dressed in a lavender top, black slacks, and comfortable dress shoes. My best friend wears a silver glittery blouse, matching wedges, and metallic black leggings. She looks like a damn disco ball. Cynthia said she used hair chalk to put hot pink in her dark hair, and she wears a white and blue striped sundress with a small yellow belt around her tiny frame and blue flats.

  Up on the stage, a band plays, and I listen as the lead singer croons sweet melodies about Sweet Melissa. The Allman Brothers were a favorite of Travis’ and I know he would have enjoyed this. They’ve also played some Lynyrd Skynyrd and The Doobie Brothers. The soft glow of the outdoor lights brings a calming feel to the festivities, and the sound of the soothing waves crashing remind me that the ocean is only a few yards away.

  I didn’t even know this was happening tonight. Everyone in this small town is out and enjoying themselves, and I almost missed out. I blame it on Victor Newman. Yep, has nothing to do with the fact I was having a bona fide pity party.

  You mean like you’ve been doing for the last eleven years?

  Shut up, conscience.

  My eyes turn to take in the view of the Ferris wheel, and I watch as a few kids try their hand at ring tossing, while teenage boys concentrate hard on winning an enormous stuffed bear for their girl by throwing darts at balloons. I pull in a deep breath of fresh North Carolina air and sway to the music, thinking back on our conversation from last night. I told them about mine and Travis’ first time together, but I didn’t go into details—just that it was the best and worst moment of my life. That he showed me more love than I’ve ever been shown, but I left out the part where I thought about leaving Florida and never looking back…

  ––––

  August 1973

  It was the end of August on a warm summer night. My bad boy was parked at a local gas station, and I was trying to sneak out. I had the window up in my bedroom, letting the breeze from the ocean drift through, blowing my curtains and my hair as I sat in front of my mirror doing my makeup. Mama had gone to bed only ten minutes ago, so I had to wait until she got into a deep sleep, which luckily didn’t take long.

  Once the woman of the house was out, I put my car in neutral and pushed it out of the driveway, a move I was getting good at. I met Travis down at the gas station, and as soon as I reached his car, he grabbed me and kissed me like his lips were on fire and mine were water. My hands went to his dark brown hair, loving the feel of the silk-like strands between my fingers.

  “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” he says as he pulls away.

  I’m all smiles, and my stomach is full of butterflies. “I saw you last night.”

  “I know, but it’s been almost twenty-four fucking hours.”

  I laugh as he places his smoke between his lips and opens the door for me.

  “Climb in, baby,” he says, but it sounds muffled with the cigarette in his mouth.

  I watch as my cool bad boy strides around the car. He hops in and cups his Marlboro Light before he strikes his Bic and then tucks it into his front pocket. With smoke drifting up into the car, he pulls his door closed and pushes in the clutch. Travis starts his GTO, releases the emergency brake, and shifts it into first. A tire squeals when he lets off the clutch and hits the gas. We peel out of the parking lot, and I lean up to control the radio.

  He smokes his cigarette and rests his hand on the bottom of the wheel as we ride to a local park everyone has been hanging out at lately.

  Moments later, Travis tosses his nicotine. “Open the dash,” he says as he blows smoke and points over at it. “There’s a joint in there.”

  I do as he asks and take the joint out of the glove compartment, handing it over to him.

  “Hold the wheel,” he says as he leans up and digs his lighter back out of his jean pocket. I reach over and grab the wheel, making sure I don’t kill us both, because he is going sixty.

  He cups his hand around the end of the joint, and I smell that familiar scent after he strikes his lighter. “I got it,” he says, putting his hand back on the wheel.

  He puffs on the joint and then offers it to me, but like always I shake my head no. He shrugs as he places it between his lips, letting it rest there as he pulls into the park. It’s a big piece of land with bushes and woods all on the edge. A few picnic tables are scattered around, and there’s a swing set and a jungle gym. A little ways to the left is a camping area, and like every summer, it’s packed with people.

  Travis parks the car near all the others, and we both hop out. When I walk around the car, he grabs my hand. His smile is lazy now, and his eyes are glossy. He wets his index finger and thumb and presses it to the end of the joint, putting it out.

  “I’ll save that for later,” he says, sliding into the front pocket of his blue jean shirt.

  The evening flies by with everyone drinking and passing a joint or two around. I’m standing with Jennie and a few girls by her car. They gossip, but I don’t join them. My eyes look for Travis, and I see his are already on me as he stands with Jesse and some other guys. He looks away, and his lips read, “I’ll be back in a bit.” I watch as he walks toward me, and before I know it, he’s grabbing my hand.

  “Come on. Me and you need some alone time.” I don’t question him, and I don’t even look at the girls. I let Travis take me wherever he wants. He walks us toward his car and pops the trunk. I grow anxiously excited when he grabs our beach blanket and shuts the trunk, because I know we are going to make out, and there’s nothing I like more than making out with Travis Cole.

  He moves us away from our friends and off to a secluded spot surrounded by several impenetrable bushes. The blanket goes down on top of thick grass, and it takes less than a minute before he lifts me up and takes complete control of my senses. Touch, feel, taste, he takes it all, and at the t
ime, I don’t know it, but I’m about to give him so much more.

  His rough grease-stained hands move down my body to the button on my jeans. My pulse pounds against my neck, and nerves make my hands shake. Softly, he pulls my jeans and panties down my legs, and his head descends.

  I feel his lips press against my stomach, and then he places a kiss right at my pubic line. He moves back to his knees, and I feel it when the night air hits between my thighs, causing me to clench them together as he stands up. He makes quick work unbuttoning his shirt, and my eyes move with his hands as they unbutton his jeans.

  There’s only the glow of the moonlight, and as soon as his pants come down, I see all of him. Every. Single. Part. His knees bend again, and he spreads my thighs before pulling me closer to him. I gasp when he kisses me, and I feel as though my whole body is shaking.

  “You’re trembling,” he murmurs.

  “I’m not cold if that’s what you’re wondering,” I whisper.

  He chuckles. “Don’t be nervous around me, baby.”

  “Okay,” I say softly. He smiles, and I kiss him, bringing him down with me, and as my back touches the blanket, he moves my leg to the side and slowly sinks. My body’s natural reaction is to tense up, but he continues forward, and a small sting is all I feel. I close my eyes tight as he moves, and I breathe through my nose.

  “You can squeeze me harder,” he says. I open my eyes, realizing how hard I’m holding his arms. “You okay?” he asks, apprehension showing on his handsome face.

  “Yeah,” I say, loosening my death grip on his forearms. “Keep going.”

  He bites his pouty bottom lip and shifts forward. It still stings, but the more he does it, the less it hurts, and soon the pain is gone, left in its place is bliss––heaven and everything that is good with the world. My whole body sings as he continues, and I cross my ankles around his back.

  He kisses me and grips onto my hips while his other arm keeps him from falling. He brushes his mouth against mine, and my teeth graze his bottom lip as he clutches my hip tighter.