If I'd Known

by Paige P. Horne

  “William would have been shocked for sure.”

  “Did he have any idea what you were doing in Daytona?” Maggie asks.

  “Only Stella and Sophia knew.”

  “That must have been tough, keeping all that happiness mostly to yourself,” Cynthia says sadly.

  “It wasn’t easy, and I didn’t feel good about it, but my heart knew what it wanted. It had always known…”

  ____

  March 2005

  “I can’t believe you’re leaving me,” Sophia says as I fix my hair and makeup in the hotel bathroom mirror.

  “I told you I was before we even came.”

  “I know, but I didn’t think you actually would.”

  I roll my eyes. “Well, I am.” I pick up the hairspray and give my curls a once-over before I apply a little more mascara. I haven’t felt this good about myself in a long time. I’ve lost weight, I’ve bought a new blouse, but man, the butterflies are going nuts inside my stomach to the point I almost feel sick. What am I doing? I’m married. I’ve been married for twenty-nine years.

  I have a son, a family. I swallow and look down at the sink. I’m acting like a teenager who has nothing to lose. John hasn’t been the greatest husband, but does he deserve this? He has put me through hell, but he has a good heart. He’d give you the shirt off his back, his last dollar if you needed it. Guilt twists inside my gut, and I exhale a deep breath.

  “You okay?” Sophia asks me. I turn to look at my sister.

  “I’m nervous,” I say to her. “I’m having all kinds of doubts.”

  She smiles. “Charlotte, I don’t want you to leave me, but I haven’t seen you this happy in years. If he is what’s doing this, then I don’t think you have anything to be worried about.”

  I exhale a deep breath again and look back in the mirror. “Here goes nothing.”

  ____

  “I’ll be home in a few days,” I tell William as I drive to the hotel where I’m meeting Travis.

  “Y’all having fun?” he asks.

  “Yep,” I say, feeling slightly guilty that I’m not telling him the whole truth.

  “Okay, well, I’m pulling up to Elizabeth’s house,” he says as I turn into the hotel.

  “Okay, have fun. Tell her hey for me.”

  “’K, love you, Mom.”

  “Love you, too, son.” I slap my phone shut and put my car in park before I search for the room number Travis told me. My hands are sweaty, and I rub them against the steering wheel, trying to fight the nerves inside my stomach. It’s been thirty years. What if he doesn’t like what he sees? What if I don’t like what I see?

  My mind races with random thoughts, and then my heart jumps into play as I think of that teenage boy I fell in love with so many years ago. I think about our endless conversations on the phone these past few weeks and how good it has felt to talk to someone who actually seems to care. No, not seems, who does care. Even over the phone, Travis Cole makes me feel loved.

  Crazy Atlanta traffic surrounds Stella and me as we make our way to the computer class we are taking. She keeps an eye out on where we are going while I giggle and talk about nothing to Travis on the phone. We’ve been talking this whole time, and it’s amazing that we can stay on the phone like this. We aren’t talking about anything in particular, just catching up on all the years we missed out on. He laughs at something Byron says, and my heart swells because that laugh could move mountains. If I died today, I’d die a happy lady, just knowing that’s the last thing I heard.

  “So, why are you always over at Byron’s?” I ask him.

  “We’re fixing up my old GTO.”

  “Really?” I ask excitedly.

  “Yeah, haven’t gotten that far, though. Beer and grass keep getting in the way.” He laughs, and I shake my head and smile. Some things never change.

  “Okay, woman, you’ve got to get off that phone. You’re supposed to be my navigator.” I look over at Stella.

  “Travis, I guess I better let you go. Stella needs me to navigate.”

  He laughs again, and I hear a beer top pop. “That’s fine. Y’all be careful, and call me when you get to the hotel this evening.”

  “Okay, I will.”

  “I love you,” he says to me. I bite my bottom lip and look down; a smile forces its way across my face, and not even biting my lip can stop it.

  “I love you, too,” I reply before we hang up.

  I see Stella’s head snap my way. “Did you just say you love him?” She grins.

  “I did,” I reply. “I’ve always loved him.”

  I shut my car off and flip my sun visor down to check my makeup one more time. With a deep breath, I open the car door and step out into the hot Florida air. I adjust my shirt and walk up to the door, pausing for a brief second before I lightly tap my knuckles against it. The pounding of my heart rattles my ribcage, and I take slow breaths to try to control it. This is Travis, I tell myself. The man I’ve loved for nearly my whole life. Calm down. This is right.

  The door opens, and time stands still. I once thought there’s a special compartment in our brain that holds onto precious moments. It saves every detail, so you can always go back and replay it again, and just like the first time I saw him, this moment right here is something I know I’ll never forget.

  His eyes lock with mine as a flock of birds fly off from a nearby tree and traffic zooms behind me. The wind blows around the back of my arms, giving me goose bumps, and I hear people carrying on farther down the hotel parking lot. My heart slows, my worries fade, and I know this is exactly where I should be.

  He’s aged, but there’s no denying this is my Travis Cole. So good-looking, he makes my mouth water and my hands shake to touch him. He grins, and I could cry because here he is, that beautiful crooked smile and all.

  “Come here, girl,” he says, pulling me in. He shuts the door behind us, and we stand still. My heart pounds almost painfully against my chest, and I feel like I’m seventeen again. He steps closer, his eyes scanning over my face. “I can’t believe you’re here,” he says, his voice low as though he’s thinking out loud. His hand lifts, and he gently runs his finger over my cheek. My eyes close as he places his rough hand against my skin, and I inhale his scent. I open my eyes as he steps us back until I’m pressed against the door.

  His forehead goes to mine, and we breathe each other in.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” he murmurs.

  “I’ve missed you more.”

  He smiles and kisses me. He grabs the back of my head, and my hands go to his sides. A rush of heat runs down my spine as my pulse beats uncontrollably against my neck. His kiss is everything I’ve missed.

  Weeks of talking and late-night whispers through the phone have more than built us up for this moment. Years of pent-up need unravel before us as our kiss turns from soft to eager and deprived. Our breathing becomes ragged and uncontrolled. men’s cologne and soap. We’re desperate and clingy. Hungry for something we haven’t had in so long, I’m not sure we’ll ever get our fill, but we’ve got the rest of our lives to try.

  I bunch his shirt up with my fingers, pulling upward until he breaks our kiss and lifts it over his head. I quickly start unbuttoning my blouse, only getting a few done before his lips are back on mine. He guides us closer to the bed, and surprising me he rips my blouse open, his hand gripping onto my breast as his mouth goes to my neck. I gasp and close my eyes.

  The rest of our clothes go to the floor, and Travis yanks the top comforter off, reminding me of our first time alone together in a hotel room. He doesn’t stay away from me long, and within minutes my back is against the cool sheets. He’s on top of me, between my thighs, and sinking. I inhale a quick rush of air and slowly exhale as my mouth falls open. The feeling is so overwhelming. I feel a tear escape my eye and roll down the side of my face. He kisses my bottom lip and takes hold of my waist. I link my ankles around his bare back, and we do what time has kept us from for so, so many years. We love like tomorrow wi
ll never come, like it’s our first and our last. We become one again like we were always meant to be.

  ____

  “Wow,” Maggie says as she looks up at the ceiling from her bed. “Time changed nothing, huh?” she says dreamingly.

  I laugh. “Oh, it changed a lot of things. Inside we were the same, but our bodies had changed a good bit. We fell asleep wrapped up in each other that night. Exhausted and fully content. I spent the whole next day with him before I had to leave.

  After that, things only got more serious between us. My day would start hearing his voice, and it would end hearing his voice. I kept up with the gym, and I never felt better. William and Elizabeth’s relationship grew, too, and I saw that my son was falling hard for this girl. It was clear that things were changing for us all, and they were changing fast.

  ____

  April 2005

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” Travis asks me. It’s the afternoon, and I’m leaving the hellhole that is my job.

  “Am I sure I want to uproot my son’s life? No. Am I sure I want to leave John? Yes. One minute I’m rethinking this whole idea, and then the next I remember why I’m doing this.”

  “And why is that?” Travis challenges.

  “I love you.”

  “I know,” he says softly. I look ahead as I make my way home. My heart is torn in two, my mind scattered. I’ve been thinking about leaving John for years, but I’ve always been too scared. Always too afraid of the unknown and of what would happen to him. I haven’t been happy for so long, I’ve literally forgotten how it felt, until Travis. Until he came back into my life and gave me the strength to choose my happiness for once. Because that’s exactly what this is going to take—strength.

  “Promise me one thing,” I say as I get on the exit ramp. I lift my foot off the gas pedal when the light at the end of the ramp turns red.

  “Anything,” he says as I completely stop. I run my hand over the steering wheel and look down at the top of Black Beauty’s dash.

  “You won’t leave me again.”

  “I promise. I love you. I’ll never leave.”

  ____

  I hug my pillow tighter as I think about those words. “I’ll never leave.” I shouldn’t have made him promise me that. After all, sometimes we don’t get a choice in the matter. Staring ahead as my thoughts run, my eyes land on the clock hanging on the wall. It reads eleven thirty, and I realize how tired I am. Not just physically, but emotionally, too. It’s past my bedtime, and I’ve had enough talk for today.

  “You okay?” Cynthia asks me.

  “Just a little tired,” I say softly.

  “Why don’t we call it a night?” Maggie chimes in. “It’s been a long day.”

  “Okay,” I agree.

  Cynthia closes her notebook, and Maggie reaches over and turns the lamp off.

  “Charlotte,” Cynthia says a few moments later after we’ve all settled and the only sound in the room is the low hum of the air conditioner.

  “Yes?” I say quietly as I stare into the darkness.

  “I’m almost scared to find out the end of this story.”

  I shut my eyes and bring the pillow closer to my chin, as a single tear rolls down my cheek and my heart slightly falters. “I know the feeling,” I reply meekly. “Sadly, all too well.”

  She doesn’t say anything else, and soon all that’s heard is the air and Maggie’s light snoring as I begin to slowly doze off.

  I sit on the couch with my video camera as William and Elizabeth decorate the tree. They dispute with each other over how the lights should be hung, and I look over at Travis as he sits in the chair beside the coffee table. He gives me a wink and a grin, and I catch it on camera.

  Christmas is around the corner, but I can’t think of anything more I would want than this right here. Everyone I care most about in the world is in front of me. Except there’s a ball of worry deep inside my chest because life is so unpredictable. Travis clears his throat and pops open a beer.

  Music plays from the TV, but it’s not Christmas tunes. It’s the Allman Brothers, and Travis gets up and starts singing and dancing along. I video the whole time, smiling from ear-to-ear at the sight of him before I move the camera over to the kids.

  “You aren’t putting the lights in deep enough,” William says to Elizabeth.

  “Because it’s scratching my arms,” she argues.

  “Well, it’s not going to look good if they’re hanging off the tree.”

  Elizabeth rolls her eyes and looks over at me with a smirk. Those two could fuss about anything, but seconds later, they’re all doe eyes and laughing. My sister, Natalie, calls this house ‘the love shack,’ and she’s right. This home is full of love. We don’t have a lot, but we all have each other, and sometimes that’s enough. My camera goes back to Travis as he starts coughing.

  “Whew,” he says, putting his beer down. “Did it get hot in here or is it just me?”

  “I think it’s just you,” I say as I shut the camera off.

  “I’ll be back.” He walks toward our room. I watch after him before I get up and leave the kids to the tree decorating.

  “You okay?” I ask as I turn the corner in our bedroom and see him sitting on the side of the tub in the bathroom.

  “Yeah. Throat’s just bothering me,” he says, and I see the bottle of liquid morphine in his hand.

  “This will help, though,” he says, smiling.

  I walk over and sit on top of the toilet seat, looking down at the floor.

  “Hey,” he says. “Look at me.”

  I do.

  “It’s going to be okay.”

  “I know,” I say, trying to sound reassuring.

  He clears his throat again and sets the bottle down on the sink.

  “I love you,” he says in a singsong voice.

  “I love you, too,” I reply, grabbing his hand and bringing it to my lips.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  I wake up the next morning with Archie scratching behind his ear. I sigh, remembering my dream from last night. Rolling over in bed, I get an eye full of none other than Maggie’s behind. She’s wearing yellow leggings and touching the toe of her hot pink running shoes.

  “I’m going for a walk down the beach,” she says, looking at me from between her legs. She flips back up straight and places her hands on her lower back as she bends. “All this car riding has made me fall behind on my exercise,” she whispers so not to wake Sleeping Beauty. “Wanna come?”

  My stomach growls. I’d rather eat.

  “You go on ahead,” I say. “I’m going to cook us breakfast.”

  “You going shopping then?” she asks.

  “Guess so,” I say, tossing the comforter off me. “Want anything?”

  “Yeah. Grab me some protein bars, would ya? The kind with nuts.”

  “Okay, crazy lady.”

  After I get dressed, I walk out of the room, seeing Cynthia’s notebook sitting on the dresser. I look over at her as she continues to sleep, and my curious mind gets the best of me.

  I slide my glasses on quietly and flip the notebook open, scanning over words that I’ve said and little doodles that she’s drawn. She has things underlined, notes along the side, dates, and highlighted words. I then flip to the last page and see the supplies needed to dye my hair. I almost forgot I wanted to do this. Why not grab them now? I softly rip the page and place the notebook back down before I exit the room.

  Once I make it to the store, I grab bacon, eggs, sausage, and bread and, of course, butter and my beloved blackberry jam. Breakfast has always been my favorite meal of the day, and I just realized it’s been a while since I’ve cooked it.

  After I check out, I make my way over to the beauty store I spotted before I parked the car in the shopping center. I walk inside and am greeted by a woman with a shaved head and hot pink bangs.

  “Can I help you?” she asks me.

  “My friend wrote me out a list of things I needed to get,” I tell her
as I take it out of my purse. She looks it over.

  “Your friend going purple?” she asks.

  “Nope. She already is,” I reply. “I’m doing it, too.”

  She smiles. “Sweet. Let’s find these items then.”

  Once I get back, I unload the bags and start cooking. Cynthia wakes in the middle of the bacon frying, her lavender locks a tangled mess.

  “Man, that smells good,” she says.

  “It’ll be ready shortly.”

  She stands up and stretches her arms out. “Where’s Maggie?”

  “She went for a long walk. Catching up on her exercise.”

  “Ah,” she says as she folds up her bed. “I’m gonna shower really quick.”

  “Oh!” I call over to her and take the hair dye stuff off the counter. “I bought the supplies.”

  She smiles. “Let’s do it after we eat.”

  “Okay, I’m ready.”

  ____

  I look at the wall as Cynthia blow-dries my hair. She trimmed it, too. Turns out, she’s pretty good at this stuff. I guess she’s been doing her own hair for so long, she’s become an expert. Maggie looks in on us in the bathroom and smiles.

  “It’s amazing,” she says excitedly.

  “Hurry up,” I tell Cynthia, and only a few minutes later, she shuts off the dryer. She grabs the curling iron and wraps the ends a few times before giving it a spray over.

  “Check it out,” she says. I hesitantly turn toward the mirror and gasp.

  “Oh my.” It’s lavender, not dark purple, and some of my gray shines through, mixing in with the lilac shade beautifully.

  “I made it more of a strong highlight, so your hair would have some definition.”

  “I think it looks amazing.” I look at her and smile. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” She starts to put up everything, and I can’t stop looking at myself in the mirror. I feel younger and hip. I’ve always had the same hair color, a deep brown and then gray. But now I have soft lavender, and I love it. I look up and see Cynthia has her camera. “Smile,” she says. I do.