A Prior Engagement

by Karina Bliss

  NERVOUS ADRENALINE PROPELLING her forward at a cracking pace, Jules walked her suburban neighborhood at seven-thirty Saturday night.

  Her real estate agent had phoned with an eager out-of-towner on the hook, someone who could only view right now, and suggested Jules leave the house. “Instead of hovering anxiously and signaling that you’ll all but give it away, like you did last time,” Chloe had said with acid diplomacy.

  At a major intersection, Jules stopped for the lights, jiggling from foot to foot at the delay. Nothing was happening fast enough. She desperately needed bites, not nibbles, on the house or she’d be forced to accept Nick’s offer.

  The Walk sign flashed, and Jules surged forward, hanging a right toward the waterfront, where she could march unimpeded by traffic.

  Pinning Claire to a meeting was also proving difficult—her best friend had a fully booked weekend with Lewis at some swim meet. “Find me an hour,” she’d pleaded. “It’s important.”

  Pulling out her cell, she checked again whether she’d missed a message, wishing she and Lee had synchronized a time for their disclosures. Jules didn’t want Claire getting the news secondhand from Nate. She owed her best friend the truth in person.

  “She’ll forgive me,” Jules said aloud as she stepped out from the shelter of the buildings onto the boardwalk. The sharp wind whipped her words away.

  The sea was as turbulent as her emotions; whitecaps scudded in the harbor under a howling crosswind. Ignoring the clouds amassing overhead, Jules zipped her sweatshirt and kept walking, trying not to think about how many relationships she could lose today.

  A squally shower began to blow in across the sea. She felt the first warning drops on her face and ducked under one of the waterfront pohutukawas to wait it out. How had a loner ended up invested in so many people?

  Her cell chimed, Claire’s name flashed on the screen and Jules answered in relief mixed with trepidation. “Hey.”

  “I’ve got a two-hour window between picking Lewis up from a swim meet and going for a late dessert at Nana’s. Are you at home?”

  “No—” dammit “—walking. And I’m miles away.” Raindrops splattered through the canopy. Jules moved closer to the trunk and glanced at her immediate surroundings. This part of the waterfront was unfamiliar, but across the road the bright light of a quayside bar caught her eye.

  “Meet me at a bar called Barracudas,” she said. “It’s somewhere on the waterfront.”

  “See you soon.”

  Swallowing hard, Jules rang off. Not long now.

  * * *

  BARRACUDAS PROVED TO be a seedy, dimly lit sports bar whose clientele consisted of armchair athletes drinking copious amounts of beer while yelling at various big-screen TVs. In the commercial breaks they ogled passing booty. Not the most suitable venue to unburden your soul.

  Every male swiveled to check out the fresh meat when Claire arrived fifteen minutes later, pausing at the door to scan the dim interior. Seeing Jules sitting by the window, she strolled over, attracting a couple of wolf whistles en route.

  “I’d hug you,” she said as she stopped beside Jules’s table, “but I figure these idiots would only get excited at the girl-on-girl action. Would you like to go somewhere more civilized?”

  She wanted to get this over with. “It’s okay, I’ve perfected the brush-off technique.” Jules bared her teeth at a guy gawking at them from a bar stool and he swung back to the screen. “If you’re rude enough they leave you alone.”

  Claire eyed the tumbler of Scotch in front of her. “Four in the afternoon is a little early for the hard stuff, isn’t it?”

  “Not where I’m sitting.”

  “That sounds ominous. Hang on.” Crossing to the bar, Claire ordered an orange juice. Two guys watching a game-fishing show tried to chat her up and she handed them business cards. “Here, improve your catch quota.”

  Oh, God, she was going to miss this woman. Jules knocked back her whiskey.

  Claire returned and took a seat. “I’m pretty sure I know what you want to talk about.”

  “Wh-what?”

  “You and Lee sleeping apart. Nate saw your clothes in the spare room when we came to dinner. Lee’s finding intimacy difficult.”

  “No...I mean, yes...but that’s not it. In fact, it’s not even relevant now. The engagement’s been a sham for both of us.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Lee proposed to me before he deployed. I turned him down.” Nervously swirling the ice in her empty glass, Jules said it fast. “I wanted more time. He thought it meant I didn’t love him and walked out. I took the ring from the guys for so many reasons...but mainly from wishful thinking and to save everyone further misery.” Jules paused to take a breath. Across the table Claire sat like a statue. “I told his dad when I discovered Ian was going to leave me Lee’s money. He left it to me anyway. I know this is a terrible—”

  “I need alcohol.” Abruptly Claire stood and returned to the bar. Jules laid her face on the greasy tabletop. It was cool against her cheek. Night had closed in and she could see her face reflected in the window. She looked like a kid in need of a hug.

  A few minutes later another glass of whiskey landed in front of her. “I take it this is what the split is about. You told Lee?”

  “Oh, he knew.” Wearily Jules sat up and raised the whiskey, noticing that Claire had opted for a glass of white wine. “He’s been feigning amnesia. He made the airport proposal to put the squeeze on me.”

  “Son of a—”

  Jules looked up as Claire took a swig of wine. “You two are as bad as each other.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said.

  Her best friend’s stare was as merciless as a prison searchlight. “After all we’ve been through together, Jules. You should have told me.”

  “You were dealing with Steve’s death. Did you really want to know that Lee died a bitter man or that I was riddled with guilt?”

  Some of the fierceness went out of Claire’s eyes. “Go on.”

  “The guys offered me Lee’s ring at Ross’s hospital bedside. He’d all but had last rites, Nate was a zombie and Dan...” She cupped her hands around the whiskey, needing even the illusion of warmth. “Dan was desperate for something good to cling to.”

  How could she explain the allure of the ring? “And the diamond seemed like a symbol of a day when Lee still loved me.”

  She pushed the whiskey away. “And then I got so invested in being part of a group of people who cared about one another, who were good for one another. I tried to distance myself, but I’d created a myth and as far as you were all concerned I was family.” She snorted in self-disgust. “And I’m making excuses.”

  “No, we did drag you into the tribe,” Claire conceded. “I don’t know what I would have done without you through those early months. But why didn’t you tell me later? When our lives returned to some semblance of normalcy?”

  “By the time my good reason for keeping the secret became irrelevant I’d built relationships. There was too much to lose. Instead I got busy, too busy to think.” She swallowed hard. “With the passing of time you forget the desperation that drove you to it. All you’re left with is shame.”

  “Oh, honey, I understand the corrosive power of guilt.” Her friend stretched her hand across the table and Jules grasped it. “I couldn’t mourn Steve because I was too angry that he’d deployed when he’d promised me he’d leave the service. Forgiving him let me love him again and opened the door
to a new life with Nate.”

  “You’re a better person than I am,” Jules said.

  “Then I’d best make my own confession. I might wish you’d told me earlier, but I probably would have lost you, because I didn’t love you then as the sister I do now.”

  Tearfully, Jules bit her lip. “Thank you,” she managed to say at last. “I love you, too.”

  Claire grinned. “These idiots are watching us hold hands.”

  With a watery laugh, Jules leaned forward and hugged her friend tight. “Thank you,” she repeated.

  “Does it have to be over?” Claire asked, twenty minutes later after Jules explained why she was still wearing the ring. “You might think differently when you’re not so angry and sad.”

  “We’re done.”

  “The two of you love each other,” Claire persisted. “You could still work this out. Even if you make Lee suffer a while before—”

  “You mean go back to game playing? No.” It was important Claire understood—there was no equivocation on this. “I grew up with a mother who let her emotions overrule her judgment and I swore I’d never follow in her footsteps. Lee made me forget that vow, not once but twice. If you had our history—my childhood—would you take him back?”

  Claire hesitated and then picked up the coffee she’d moved on to.

  “Me, neither,” Jules said sadly. “Any chance of a lift home?”

  * * *

  THEY’D JUST PULLED into Jules’s driveway when Claire received a text. Engine idling, her best friend read it and then looked over to the passenger seat with an unreadable expression. “That was Nate. Lee’s told them.”

  Jules ignored the swoop, like the brush of a dark-winged predator, across the pit of her stomach. Casually she undid her seat belt. “What’s the reaction?” Not everyone would be as forgiving as Claire.

  “They’re all in shock.”

  “That’s understandable.” Jules opened the passenger door. “Give my love to Lewis and Steve’s mum.”

  “If you don’t want to be alone, come have dessert with me. Ellie makes a mean pavlova.”

  “I fancy an early night, but thanks for the offer. And thank you for forgiving me.” A telltale quiver threaded her next words. “You’re the best.”

  “Are you sure you don’t need moral support?’

  “Positive.” She smiled. “Good night.” Conscious that Claire was still wavering about what to do next, Jules put a jaunty spring in her step as she approached the house, turning at the front step to give her best friend a cheerful wave. She was a big girl who could handle the emotional fallout of this breakup alone.

  Inside, she dragged her pajamas from under the pillow and then took a shower. With painstaking thoroughness she applied night cream and brushed her teeth. Within twenty minutes of being dropped off, she was under the covers, lights off.

  And crying herself to sleep.

  * * *

  NATE WAS THE FIRST to recover after Lee dropped the breakup bombshell. The rattan chair squeaked as he leaned forward. Even in the moonlight, his bewilderment was easily decipherable. “What the hell did you do that was so bad, Lee, that the woman who recommitted to spending the rest of her life with you six days ago wouldn’t forgive?”

  Lee tipped the remains of his tea over the balustrade beside him. Even two sugars couldn’t help the sour taste in his mouth. “When I proposed at the aerodrome I didn’t mean it. I was punishing her for taking my ring from you guys when she’d turned me down on the eve of leaving for Afghanistan.”

  Sitting next to his wife on the swinging love seat, Dan cursed as he spilled his drink. “What?”

  Lee looked up at the stars, finding the Southern Cross with its false promises of home. “It was my bad. She wanted more time. I got pissed and walked out on her. I didn’t contact her in those first couple of weeks, remember? Let her stew.”

  “But...” The rattan squeaked again. Nate was clearly struggling to get his head around it. “She accepted your ring when we offered it.”

  “Because she didn’t want you thinking I’d died unhappy. And she needed to believe I would’ve come to my senses and realized she was the best thing that ever happened to me.” He found Venus, the bright evening star, low on the horizon. “When I heard she’d taken the money I’d left her when my father died, I thought she was being an opportunist.”

  He closed his eyes briefly under a new wave of self-disgust. “Except she’d already told Dad the truth.”

  “She told Ian but not us?” Ross snapped. He balanced on the porch railing, his big silhouette incongruous with the ghostly white filigree edging the overhang.

  “To talk Dad out of leaving her the money,” Lee clarified. “Except he didn’t care because he understood what I should have if I wasn’t so fricking screwed up and angry.” He dug his fingers into the arms of his rattan chair. “That Jules has a pure heart. Instead I believed the worst, faked amnesia and started playing mind games.”

  Jo found her voice. “You faked amnesia?” She and Dan had stopped swinging in the love seat and had their feet planted firmly on the deck.

  “How about I start from the beginning.”

  Lee filled them in.

  “No wonder Jules looked like a trapped possum when we offered her the ring.” Dan shook his head. “I still can’t believe she accepted it.”

  “She thought you needed to believe you were following my wishes.” Lee glanced among his friends, gauging reactions. Only Ross was still scowling.

  “Actually, I’m glad she didn’t tell me,” Nate reflected. “I was screwed up enough at the time.”

  “Anyway, Jules wants out as soon as possible and, frankly, I don’t blame her,” Lee continued. “Unfortunately it’s not that simple.” He filled them in on the decision to gradually and quietly end the engagement.

  “So what’s your real plan?” Ross asked.

  “That is the real plan. Our relationship has always been about what I wanted. Now it’s about what Jules wants. And that’s not me.”

  “Walking away work for you the first time?” Dan asked.

  “This is different.”

  “Let me get this straight,” said Nate. “The guy who swept a cynic off her feet on their first date—” he started ticking off points on his fingers “—who survived an ambush, then torture and captivity...who’s been dead nineteen months, yet got a yes to his marriage proposal five minutes after the plane landed...” His dark eyes challenged Lee. “That guy is giving up?”

  Lee started to get irritated. It was hard enough accepting Jules’s decision without his friends making it harder. “She only said yes at the airport to buy time until I was well enough to hear the truth,” he reminded them. “For some reason she thought I was...” he drew quote marks in the air “...fragile.”

  In the subsequent silence he heard crickets chirping.

  “For the last time I have not got PTSD.”

  “I’ll go make more tea,” Jo suggested glancing around at four set male jaws. “Why don’t you guys return to Lee’s immediate problem.”

  As opposed to what, Lee thought, my long-term problem?

  “Think about what Jules needs,” suggested Nate.

  “For me to get lost,” Lee rasped. “She was very clear on that.”

  “Forget what she said, she’s hurting,” Dan said patiently. “Nate’s right. Figure out what she needs and give her that.”

  Lee felt a familiar sense of helplessness. “What the hell does th
at even mean?”

  “I’m glad you asked.” Clearly having no clue, Dan sat back and indicated for Ross to take over.

  Ice shrugged. “What Viv needs from me is faith. She’s testing me with this wedding, not consciously, but she’s testing my patience and trust in her. Hell, she’s not even in the country and we’re doing a big wedding. Can Ice the control freak see past Hurricane Viv—the woman everyone thinks is random and erratic—to the person she and I know is brilliant and creative, who can always pull a rabbit out of the hat when it’s needed? And I’ll pass her test. I’ll have a goddamned heart attack doing it,” he added. “But I’ll pass.”

  There was a following silence. “Okay,” Dan said. “You can marry my little sister.”

  Ross snorted. “It’s so sweet how you think you could stop me...and you’re up next, by the way.”

  “Okay.” Dan thought about it. “Jo needs me to forget her cancer may come back. And that means not fussing. It means leaving her with a ‘see you in a couple of days’ even when I don’t want to and taking each other for granted like a normal couple. It means matching my wife’s courage and believing that no matter what happens in the future—” he swallowed “—we’re solid.”

  Lee struggled to hide his emotion. He noticed he wasn’t alone, either.

  Ice put a hand on his future brother-in-law’s shoulder.

  “Claire needs loyalty,” Nate said steadily. “She needs a guy who will always put her first because—and I’m not saying this with anything but love and respect—Steve didn’t always.”

  Lee wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so he said nothing. Nate sighed. “Mate, we’ve watched Jules grieve for close to two years. Trust me, she loves you.”

  “As she pointed out, what good is love without trust? I’ve promised her no more games and I meant it. My hands are tied.”

  Ross grinned. “Isn’t it lucky then, that you have us.”

  * * *

  “THERE’S A GUY here to see you,” her secretary said on Monday morning, and Jules’s heart walloped her rib cage before she recalled that Margie knew Lee by sight. And he’d stopped in Auckland for two nights to break the news to his family.