Geek Actually Season 1 Omnibus

by Cathy Yardley

  “Uh-huh,” Aditi said with a knowing look. “So are you going on the dungeon outing they told us about?”

  “No way,” Michelle said automatically.

  “Oh, come on, Miche,” Aditi said. “Live a little.”

  Michelle turned to her. “I’m not here to live it up. I’m here to work.”

  “Is that what this is about?” Aditi’s skepticism was bald. “You might be missing some big work opportunity?”

  No, that wasn’t it at all, but Michelle wasn’t sure she could explain why she didn’t feel ready. “I don’t have the right clothes. I don’t know what to wear.”

  But Aditi had the answer for that, too. “I got some advice recently, you know? Really good advice. ‘Impostor syndrome is a thing.’ Apparently the way to get past it is to just suck it up and act like you belong until you start to feel like you do.”

  Michelle sighed. “You’re devious.”

  “I’m smart. You told me so.” She grinned.

  “I also told you to be prepared. I’m not ready to jump into the deep end of the kinky pool yet.” Michelle held up the handout she’d received. “I’ve got homework to do first.”

  ELLI

  Elli knelt on the floor, her own princess dress flowing around her legs as she made one last adjustment to Ruby’s hem. “There. I think it’s perfect now. Where I added the pleat it’ll drape nicely, but this’ll stay well out of the way of the wheels, even if you twirl around on the dance floor.”

  Ruby’s laugh sounded merry. “Amazing! I was thinking you were just going to hack off a couple of inches and throw a couple stitches in there to hide the rough edge.”

  Elli’s eyes went wide. “Oh no. A gorgeous dress like this? It’s all intact. I could put it back to original length if you wanted. Like if you… got better or something.” She cringed, hearing how that sounded. “Sorry, I mean, I didn’t want to pry—”

  Ruby cut her off with a firm hand on Elli’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Elli. You can ask.”

  Elli folded her hands in her lap and looked up. “I’ve just heard it’s rude when total strangers demand to know why you’re in a wheelchair.”

  Ruby paused thoughtfully for a moment. “It is. But you’re not a total stranger. Not anymore. In fact, I think I’ve seen more of you at this con than anyone else.”

  “That’s because you’re so awesome and nice,” Elli said. They’d had breakfast together when Aditi had been invited to go with a couple of other Faraday authors, and Elli had helped Ruby get her handouts for a panel on YA comics, too, when the business center copy machines weren’t wheelchair-accessible. “I didn’t want to assume you were always going to be in a chair.”

  “I was in a car accident when I was nine.” Ruby’s voice was quiet but unemotional, like she’d said this many times before. “It’s not as simple as just a broken leg. A lot of things in here,” she framed her hips and torso, “were damaged. I’ve got cardiac issues, lingering digestive problems, and chronic pain that has to be treated with medication. Doctors have done everything they can for me. I’m not going to get ‘cured’ some day.”

  “Wow. That’s… really tough.”

  Ruby shrugged. “It’s life. I’m not in the chair all the time, though. At home I can get around inside my apartment, where I’ve got railings and stuff. One of the reasons I’m a self-employed comic book creator is that I can adapt my own schedule. I don’t have to go to an office every day and if my health is acting up, I don’t have to call in sick.”

  Elli had a sudden idea. “But what do you do when… like when you couldn’t get to the copy machines. Don’t you have someone helping you?”

  “My mom and sisters help out sometimes, but I really prefer to be as independent as possible,” Ruby said, lifting her head high.

  “Oh, no no no, that’s not what I meant.” Elli stood up and fluffed her own skirt, straightening her long Galadriel wig. “But… how can I say this…”

  Ruby looked at her curiously. “Is there something more you want to know? I’ll tell you the truth, even if it’s not pretty.”

  How am I going to lead in to what I really want to ask? “I guess I’m trying to ask, well, things like packing up a box of your comics to ship to a store. That must be kind of a pain, right?”

  “A little bit, yes, but with some planning ahead I can do it. Some of the things I need help with might surprise you. It’s not always what able-bodied people think of.”

  “Oh? Like what?”

  “Like sometimes I take medications that make my eyes sensitive to light, and so answering my email becomes much more difficult,” Ruby said.

  Perfect, Elli thought. “Okay, well, here’s what I really want to ask you. I know it might seem kind of out of the blue, but hear me out.”

  Ruby seemed amused, which was good. As long as she didn’t seem angry.

  “Have you thought about hiring an assistant?” Elli hurried on as Ruby started to frown. “I don’t mean because you can’t take care of yourself. But lots of writers have assistants! I sat in on a workshop about it earlier today and it gave me a lot to think about. Thing is, especially if you’re self-publishing, you need your brainpower to be focused on creating new content, and an assistant can do the other stuff like going to the post office.” She quoted the presenter: “‘Your earning power is tied to how many hours you can spend on creation, not administration.’”

  Ruby blinked in surprise. “That was… totally not what I thought you were going to ask.”

  “I get that a lot,” Elli said with a shrug.

  Ruby laughed. “I mean, I was expecting some stereotypical ableist question.”

  “Stereotypical, I’m not,” Elli said seriously. “And that’s half my problem. I’ve had a hundred jobs this year and they’ve all sucked. But you understand me and you’re not freaked out by me! We’re both in Toronto, and I think I really could help you. It’d help us both, in fact. Did I tell you the thing about my parents?”

  “About them wanting you to get a job so they’ll let you keep living with them? Yes.” Ruby seemed to be seriously considering the idea. “I don’t have a lot of money. But I’ll say this: I’ve thought about hiring an assistant but I was always afraid if I hired someone and then I didn’t like them I’d feel bad about firing them. I need someone I’m simpatico with, someone I would trust in my personal space. And you’re definitely that, Elli.”

  Elli’s heart skipped with excitement. It practically sounded like Ruby was trying to convince herself now. “Ruby, seriously, if you can pay me crap barista wages but I don’t have to do a crap barista job, I’d call it a win for both of us.”

  “Okay. Let me think about it, but you’ve made your point.” Ruby’s smile was wide, her fire-engine red lipstick making it seem even wider. “Now, enough work talk. It’s princess time.”

  “Right behind you, your majesty,” Elli said with a bow. “Let me just grab my tiara.”

  CHRISTINA

  Christina headed toward Vivi’s trailer. Although it had dragged all the way into the weekend, episode shooting had wrapped and it was time to find out about tonight. If we have sex tonight, I might set a new personal record for consecutive nights with the same partner. She rapped on the door and then pulled it open. “Vivi?”

  “Back here.” Vivi stood in front of the bathroom mirror, putting on a new coat of lipstick, purple as a bruise. She puckered and turned to Christina. “I had a thought.”

  Christina squeezed in behind her and slid her hands around Vivi’s hips, pulling her close, weighing the pros and cons of obliterating her lipstick. “What kind of thought?”

  Vivi rested her arms on Christina’s shoulders. “A friend of mine’s having a little birthday party tonight. Want to come?”

  “Sure. Where?”

  “Some club in Hollywood. Champagne. Dancing. We don’t have to get up early tomorrow.” She shimmied her hips. “What do you think?”

  “Sounds fun.” Christina pushed her knee between Vivi’s thighs and ground a
gainst her. “Especially dirty dancing. If you’re cool with that.”

  Vivi licked her freshly coated lips. “Very cool.”

  Christina backed her against the counter, a hand slipping under Vivi’s top and a thumb brushing her bare nipple. No bra. Sweet. “What are you wearing tonight?”

  Vivi arched into her touch but mustered an answer. “Mmm. About that. I’m going to pick up an outfit and then head to the stylist’s.”

  “Stylist?” That sounded like more than just a night out, partying. “Who is this friend?”

  “You’ve met him, I’m sure. Heston Vail. He’s getting his own show on the CW next season. We share an agent.”

  “Ah.” Definitely messing up that lipstick, if she’s getting re-done before we go out anyway. “How public is this party going to be?”

  “Very. Party’s at 1 OAK. Red carpet, step and repeat. The whole deal. What’s his face, Atticus, is probably going, too. He and Heston are tight.” Vivi’s eyes were like search beams. “Know what I want?”

  “Besides my tongue plastered to your pussy?”

  Vivi’s grin was feral. “Before that. I want you plastered to my hip. My date.”

  Christina curled her lip at their reflections in the mirror. “I don’t exactly have a Versace ball gown hanging in my closet.”

  “You don’t have to. Go butch. Leather jacket. That’s the whole point.”

  “The whole point of what?”

  “Of stepping out with you in public. Ready to not be my dirty little secret anymore? I wanna take this to the next level.”

  Oh, shit. Was she serious? She sounded serious. To stall for time while she figured out what to think about the invitation, Christina sucked Vivi’s earlobe into her mouth, pinching her nipple, and didn’t let go until Vivi was starting to whimper. She spoke directly into her ear. “I’ll take you to the next level, all right.”

  Vivi bucked against her. “Mmm, God. Love what you do to me.”

  “Love doing it to you.” Yeah, but is that why…? Maybe I’m overthinking this. Christina bit Vivi on the neck behind her ear—not hard enough to leave a visible mark—and backed up a half step. “Red carpets really aren’t my scene.”

  Vivi’s lips made a purple moue. “You’d make me go by myself? You know who’s going to be all hands if you’re not there.”

  Atticus, Christina thought with a snarl. She was surprised to find she was feeling a mite possessive.

  And Vivi knew it. “If I’m gonna wake up with your pubes in my teeth tomorrow morning, you’ve got to be my Prince Charming tonight. Deal?”

  There really was no arguing with this woman, was there? “Deal.”

  Vivi swayed, her hands locking onto Christina’s shoulders. “Great. I’ll have my publicist text you the stylist’s address in a mo’. As soon as I can bring myself to stop touching you.”

  Nope, that lipstick wasn’t going to last another minute. Christina set about wrecking it. The text could wait.

  Geek, Actually

  Season 1, Episode 5

  Beware of Rage Bait

  Melissa Blue

  #REBELSCUM

  Taneesha: Now I didn’t like her per se, but why did they kill Allison?

  Michelle: You are so behind.

  Taneesha: I can’t spend my life binge-watching teen angst.

  Christina: Lies.

  Elli: The actress hated the writing on the show and left when they refused to budge. She’ll be back though.

  Aditi: SPOILERS!

  Christina: Are we doing that? Really? Cause Anakin is Luke’s father.

  Elli: The mother is actually dead and Norman is dressing up as her. Wig and everything.

  Michelle: The butler did do it in Clue.

  Taneesha: lmao

  Elli: Technically only in one ending.

  Christina: Romeo and Juliet die in the end.

  Michelle: Spike dies.

  Elli: He comes back on Angel though. Only good thing about that show.

  Taneesha: I refuse to forgive them for what they did to Cordelia. Whedon’s feminism can bite me.

  Taneesha: Oh, God. Brogammer just asked me to do his job. What a dick.

  Elli: I wish there was something I could do to help.

  Taneesha: The fact you care is comforting. I’m just so pissed though!

  Christina: The next potluck just pee in the lemonade.

  Michelle: Christina!

  Christina: What? I’m giving her a clear plan. I thought you would love that.

  Michelle: Times like this I wonder if I’m adopted.

  Christina: Nope. You’re my sister. Suck it up. I’m awesome.

  Michelle: LOL Keep this up and I’ll exact a boss-level kind of revenge. I’ll tell Mom you like dresses again.

  Christina: I would end you.

  Taneesha: This sister fight is giving me life.

  Elli: What would your mother do? Send you dresses or something?

  Christina: She would.

  Michelle: Mom would email her fabric swatches from now until Christina’s old and gray.

  Christina: Have you called her recently? I’ve been avoiding her.

  Michelle: I’ve tried but she knows my assistant. They get along.

  Aditi: You guys are horrible. I see the resemblance now.

  Taneesha: Okay. I have the Walking Dead as the other show I’m supposed to watch because you guys love it.

  Elli: DO NOT WATCH.

  Taneesha: Why?

  Michelle: Listen to Elli. Don’t do it.

  Christina: Just rewatch GoT.

  Taneesha: Okay. What’s wrong with it?

  Christina: You know the first person to die in every horror movie?

  Taneesha: Oh, God.

  Christina: Yeah. They do that at least once a season.

  Taneesha: And now I’m uber pissed again.

  Christina: I can send you happy pills.

  Michelle: Calling Mom now.

  Christina: I’m out.

  Aditi: LOL

  Taneesha: Later.

  Elli: I love you guys.

  CHRISTINA

  Cheri, Lydia, Miriam… one of the three assistants in Vivi’s bedroom handed Christina another fancy dress. Not that Christina wasn’t trying to remember them, but they all had blonde hair, all in the same shade, and they all wore it pin straight. It was like looking at stunt doubles for fashion, all dressed in black.

  “I don’t like the way this dress hangs on you,” Cherlydam said. “Try this one. It’s Armani. You always look good in Armani.”

  Christina rolled her eyes and flipped through a magazine. This was hour two of getting Vivi ready for yet another red carpet event—the MTV Movie and TV Awards, to be exact. Award shows were the most boring, uncomfortable torture chambers created by Hollywood elites, but the purpose was to be seen. Specifically, the point was to be the next day’s buzz. JLo became JLo after the V-neck dress to end all V-neck dresses at an MTV Awards show. So the event was a big deal. Really, Christina should have remembered that when she agreed to publicly date Vivi weeks ago.

  Guess all the rock stars were semi-right. Good pussy made you do crazy things.

  Christina shifted onto her stomach on the bed and tried to drone out the chatter of accessories and heels. She couldn’t fault Cherlydam for being professionals. They were up on the current trends and had contacts they name-dropped and from whom they sometimes borrowed expensive items. Christina was into fashion, too, though mostly as a by-product of her upbringing and only honed by her taste in unisex clothing.

  The point was Cherlydam spoke her mother’s language. Christina grew up having to listen to long discussions about eyelets, gathering, and proper hemlines. It was ironic that she was avoiding her mother and still found herself having to listen to conversations like this.

  A second later she snapped to attention at the sound of her name.

  “Christina!”

  She was not going to do the whole “Does my ass look fat?” thing. Not ever. And she could practically smel
l the stench of that in the air. “Hmmm.”

  Vivi’s voice washed over her. “What do you think of this one?”

  Christina flipped another page. “The dress is nice.”

  “You didn’t even look.”

  Maybe she could make up a doctor’s appointment or just leave without an excuse until it was her turn to pick an outfit.

  Christina sighed and glanced up. The dress looked like it would break the hanger from all the beaded embellishments. A sheer lace kept it together and gave it a willowy feel. Vivi, in skimpy lace underwear and a nude strapless bra, held the garment up as Christina judged it. Her dark brown strands were pinned up in a messy bun. It wasn’t hard to imagine her in the dress. Though not to Christina’s taste, she respected the choice. It was uber femme. It would glitter under the flash of cameras and spotlights.

  “Yeah. Go with that one,” Christina said.

  “No,” Cherlydam interjected all at once. “This one is for you to wear.”

  Christina considered her own outfit. She had on shit-kicker boots, grungy jeans, and a white tank top. What about her appearance said she’d go for beadings and lace? “Pass.”

  Vivi gave her assistants a brilliant smile that had been captured on film a million times, and then she turned it onto Christina. “I think you’d look good in this, and if I know what you’re wearing I can coordinate better with you.”

  Christina couldn’t scare up a smile for her audience. For two hours, they’d gone round for round on what looked best. They’d brought mirrors and clothes racks into the bedroom—it had the better light. Now she and Vivi had to get into this discussion? She’d decided to date Vivi, not change her personality, much less style in clothing.

  “I don’t do femme,” Christina said in a voice that said, Fuck off.

  Vivi strolled over to the bed and leaned forward. “I thought I was supposed to be the diva in this relationship?” She tsked and wagged her finger in front of Christina’s face. “You look like you want to bite my hand off.”

  “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

  Vivi’s laugh only confirmed the suspicion. “Wear the dress or go naked.” Vivi pursed her lips. “I’m warming up to you going naked.”

  Christina looked at Cherlydam. The women seemed unfazed. How often had Vivi put on a show for them? Probably enough times that her antics seemed normal.