Geek Actually Season 1 Omnibus

by Cathy Yardley

  “That’s what I was thinking,” Warren said sharply. “But they assured me that yeah, you’re ready, and it’s past time you got promoted.”

  “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” Christina felt sure that her eyes must be rolling like a panicked horse. “I don’t want that kind of crap! I’ve been a PA for this long for a reason.”

  “Because you’re emotionally stunted and you don’t want your job to cut into your busy drugging and whoring schedule?”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Vivi isn’t a whore.”

  Of all the things she could’ve said, that was the one that obviously surprised him—and, honestly, surprised her. He looked at her, considering.

  “Huh. Tell me you haven’t fallen for the talent.”

  “Tell me somebody didn’t promote me to second second. Please tell me this is a joke.”

  He shrugged. “Wish I could, but it’s too late. So I need you to draw up tomorrow’s call sheet.”

  She groaned, feeling the headache that had only been tapping at her suddenly start knocking with more insistence. “Jesus, no. That’s like herding kittens. On crack.”

  “Make sure everybody’s where they need to be for today’s shoot, too,” he said.

  “Come on, Warren. What happened to… what’s his name, the old second second? Earl, or something?”

  “Carl,” Warren said tightly. “The guy who was good at his job, who actually knew what he was doing. And you don’t even know his name?”

  “Yeah, Carl,” she repeated. “Just… have him keep on keeping on, and we don’t have to tell anybody about this. They’ll probably forget in a week. We’ll figure something out.”

  “They fired Carl.”

  Christina winced.

  “They did that because they wanted to make room for you,” Warren continued, relentlessly, like the Terminator. “And they want you because that little starlet-who-is-not-your-whore decided that you deserved the job. Period.”

  Christina felt her face go cold, and her stomach clenched like she was going to hurl.

  “This was Vivi’s idea?” she said quietly.

  What the actual hell?

  “Yeah. So don’t even give me shit. I told them it was a horrible plan. So when you screw up, it’s going to fall back on that little girlfriend of yours,” Warren said, his voice low. “Think about that while you dick around instead of doing actual work today, Christina. When you fuck up the call sheet. When you reveal yourself to the higher-ups as the total shit show I already know you are. Because believe me, that’s all I’m going to be thinking about.”

  He walked away.

  With quiet grace and dignity, Christina walked to a nearby bathroom, then knelt down on the dirty floor, hugged a commode, and puked. Hard. Repeatedly.

  When only dry heaves remained, and even those dissipated, she sat on the floor, breathing raggedly, her head against the stall wall.

  Oh, God.

  She hadn’t asked for this, didn’t want this. And absolutely didn’t want any of it to come back on Vivi.

  The kid probably thought she was doing me a favor, Christina thought desperately. She probably thought it was something I wanted. Jesus. Just… Jesus.

  She felt a warmth in her chest that had nothing to do with her recent stomach pyrotechnics. Vivi cares, she thought. Enough to do this.

  Okay, I’m not going to fuck this up. It’s not what I wanted, but I’m going to have to actually try.

  She stood and cleaned up her face. She looked like shit, she realized. She never wore good clothes to work—with all the various debris and crap, any sort of keepable clothes never survived—but in her usual grubby clothes, she looked like a strung-out hobo. She had to get it together.

  She had to do the job.

  Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and she pulled it out. A text from Vivi.

  “Heard you got the good news. Congrats, lover! I’ve got some good stuff to celebrate with tonight. Mwah!”

  Christina tapped her forehead with the phone. Yup. She had to do the job. But she and Vivi were going to have a talk tonight. If she survived the day, anyway.

  ELLI

  Elli was dancing on tiptoes when she walked into Ruby’s office. She waited until Ruby finished drawing her last panel and looked up before clapping her hands together, quick and light, like the rustling of a small bird.

  “You… have… to… see it!” Elli sang.

  Ruby’s smile was bright, even though her eyes were tired. “You finished?”

  “Oh, yeah. Come on!”

  Ruby’s smile twisted, just a little. “I know it’s not the same, but could you bring it here? I had a rough night.”

  Elli’s corresponding smile fell. She was so excited, she hadn’t noticed: Ruby really did look tired. “Sure, sure. I should’ve thought… well, never mind. Wait here!”

  “Not going anywhere,” Ruby called after her, laughing a little.

  Elli swept up the dress in her hands. “Actually, close your eyes.”

  Ruby laughed harder, but Elli knew she’d close her eyes. Ruby was cool like that. She might think Elli was a little silly—at least, Elli assumed so, since most people tended to think that—but she always went with it. Elli hoped that she was just as cool when she turned thirty-seven. Of course, Ruby was also a successful author and comic artist and everything. Ruby reminded her of Michelle and Taneesha that way: She knew what she wanted, and she didn’t let anything stop her.

  Elli went to Ruby’s office, hanging the dress from its padded hanger on the back of the office door, and holding up the wings. “Okay, you can open your eyes. Ta-dah!”

  Ruby’s eyes opened, and her ruby-red lipsticked mouth fell open. “Holy shit, Elli. You did all this?”

  “Uh-huh!” Elli danced, swinging the wings around. “You can wear the wings on your back if you’re wearing your braces, but I have these attachment things—they can trail from the sides of your chair, too, if you’re, you know, riding.”

  “It’s gorgeous,” Ruby enthused, her eyes watering. “I’ve paid a ton for stuff that wasn’t half this nice. You’re an artist, Elli!”

  Elli blushed, but felt the heat of appreciation and gratitude and just… joy pulse through her like a volcano. “I’m so glad you like it!”

  “I am going to fucking own Fairy Con,” Ruby said, dabbing at her eye and beaming. “What are you going to be wearing?”

  “I’ve been working on a Princess Vivian costume,” Elli said, standing a bit straighter with pride. Then she deflated a little. “I’m hoping I can get it done, anyway. I want it to be perfect, with this great material, so I can’t rush it.”

  “If you can’t get it done by Fairy Con,” Ruby said cheerfully, “you can always wear it for Worldcon.”

  Elli sighed. “Um… I don’t have the money to go to Worldcon this year,” she admitted. “Sorta spent it all going to Booklovers and Fairy.”

  “This isn’t personal, this is business,” Ruby said, giving a regal wave of her hand. Like a queen. “You have to go. I need you there.”

  “You… you do?” Elli blinked.

  “Well, of course. I need my assistant!”

  Elli cheered, doing a few little twirls and hops.

  Ruby chuckled. “You move like I feel. Just… happy.”

  Elli sat down on the seat next to Ruby’s desk. “I still can’t believe this is my job,” Elli said.

  “I know some of it isn’t fun…”

  “Well, no,” Elli agreed. “Not like getting to do your costume. But I got the fan mail sorted out,” she said with a light shudder. “And then I took care of your hotel arrangements for Fairy Con and for that readers’ festival, and for the school visits. And I emailed your publisher about your latest deadline. Oh, and I proofed your middle grade novel. I mean, I’m not an editor or anything, not like my friend Michelle, but I made sure there weren’t any glaring typos or anything.”

  “You are a godsend, Elli,” Ruby said, and Elli felt it again—that joy. She sighed. And bef
ore she knew she was going to do it, she leaned over and hugged Ruby. A long, appreciative hug, because the woman just seemed to get her.

  “Um, Elli,” Ruby said quietly, “you all right?”

  “Huh? Oh, sorry! Sorry!” She pulled away. “I’m really sorry. That was horribly unprofessional, wasn’t it? I’m a hugger. I love hugs. I’m totally tactile. I snuggle in for the long haul.”

  Ruby looked at her, cocking her head, studying her. “Yeah. Hugs are great. I come from a family of huggers.”

  “My family is affectionate, but not huggy,” Elli said. “So any time you want a hug, just tell me. I seriously can’t get enough of them. Cuddles, too.”

  Now Ruby’s eyes popped wide open. “Uh…” She cleared her throat.

  “That came out weird, didn’t it?” Elli wrung her hands a little. This sort of thing always happened to her. “I’m not hitting on you, or anything.”

  Ruby visibly relaxed. “Not that you’re not adorable…”

  “Oh! No, no worries. You’re beautiful, but I don’t feel that way about you, or anybody.” Elli was stammering, feeling like a complete idiot. She was doing better, but she still seemed to stumble into these kinds of conversations. She’d had a roommate in college who’d thought she was gay and then took her hugs to mean something completely different. Ugh. “I just really like hugs and cuddling, and I don’t really have a lot of outlets,” she finished, feeling lame.

  Ruby smiled. “Maybe a boyfriend could help with that,” she suggested. “Or girlfriend.”

  “No. I’m not really interested in getting a boyfriend. Or girlfriend.” Elli felt miserable. That always wound up being somebody’s follow-up—If not boyfriend, how about girlfriend? “I guess that does seem like the only option, though.”

  “You don’t seem terribly excited about the prospect,” Ruby teased.

  Elli tensed. “I…” She let out a slow exhalation. “It’s just not a big deal for me. So anyway, let’s talk about Fairy Con.” Or something, anything, else.

  Ruby looked contemplative. “Sorry. I don’t mean to pry.”

  “It’s fine. Why wouldn’t I be fine?”

  “I know I can get a little raw when I’m talking about guys I find attractive. So many people think that just because I’m in a wheelchair, I’m somehow sexless,” Ruby said, her expression turning fierce. “Which is complete and utter bullshit. I’ve gotten laid plenty. But… that’s not the point. The point is, I see you as a friend. And while I’m not super into hugs, per se, I don’t want you to feel bad about anything. I want you to feel comfortable being yourself.”

  “Of course I do!” Elli said, with enthusiasm. “You’re a great friend. I can talk to you and hang out with you, just like I do with my online friends. Only in person. And you pay me!”

  Ruby looked startled at that, but then she laughed. “That’s true. I do.”

  Elli shifted her weight, pacing around nervously. “It’s not… it doesn’t make me uncomfortable, necessarily,” she hedged. “I mean, you should hear Christina talk about sex. Or Taneesha. Even Michelle, and she’s out trying, like, BDSM stuff. Oooh… which Aditi told me in confidence, so maybe I shouldn’t have told you. Don’t tell anybody.”

  “I don’t even know this Michelle person,” Ruby assured her, “but don’t worry, mum’s the word.”

  “The thing is, I don’t feel… anything… when you talk that way. When they talk that way,” Elli admitted. “I can see women and think they’re beautiful and awesome, but mostly I just want to… you know. Dress them.”

  Ruby giggled. “I can see that.”

  “And the guys—I can tell that they’re attractive or whatever. And I swoon at characters,” she continued. She’d never really tried talking to the other Rebel Scum about it, because… well, it’d never really come up. They never pressed her. Never asked her. She was always in her own world, and they were content to let her stay there. Actually, she’d been content to stay there.

  But it had been on her mind, especially lately, with all the changes her parents kept going on and on about. About how she was still too immature. As if having a relationship, moving out, getting married, eventually having kids, was the key to the Holy Grail of maturity.

  “I’ve just… I don’t feel anything like that. And my parents and friends usually say something like, ‘Well, you just haven’t found the right person’ or that I’m too immature. But that doesn’t feel true. I have passions. They’re just not romantic.”

  Ruby still had that studious expression on her face. She nodded. “So you’re ace.”

  Elli shrugged, confused, but she played along to lighten the mood. “You’re aces, too,” she said, making her fingers into two little pistols and winking at Ruby. She was gratified when Ruby snickered.

  “Thanks, kid, but that’s not what I meant. You’re ace,” she clarified. “You know. Asexual.”

  Elli startled, stopped, then shook her head. “No. I’ve had sex.” Granted, it was only a few times in high school, and then a couple again in college, but she’d done it.

  “That’s not what it means to be asexual. It means that you’re not interested in sex. You have romantic feelings toward people, or not, but desire isn’t quite there. You’re just asexual.”

  Elli felt a glimmer. “That makes it sound medical. Like I should take Viagra or something.”

  “Call a doctor if you have an erection lasting more than four hours,” Ruby intoned, then snickered. “No, it’s not medical. It’s a recognized sexual identity. It’s not a phase, not something you’ll outgrow. And most importantly: It’s not abnormal. It’s perfectly natural.”

  Elli felt that joy again, bubbling up. “It is?”

  “Sweetie, didn’t you know that?”

  “No,” Elli said. “I guess I hadn’t thought about it.” She hadn’t let it bother her. Well, not too much.

  Had she?

  She frowned. She’d just tried to block it out. Like all the judgments from her parents, or the people at temple. Every now and then, Christina or Aditi would say something about Elli needing to get laid. Even Taneesha said that she would find the right person eventually. And Elli kind of thought she’d like to meet the right person.

  She just didn’t necessarily want to sleep with the right person.

  “I’m… uh, going to make those travel arrangements, okay?”

  Ruby stared at her, like she was trying to look into her soul. “I really didn’t mean to upset you,” Ruby said, her tone a little mournful. “Are we good?”

  Elli gave her another hug, savoring her warmth. Ruby felt very warm. Just this side of too warm. “We’re fine. I’m fine,” Elli said. “Actually… I am more than fine. Really. Thank you.”

  Elli walked back to her desk, sitting for a second.

  So I’m asexual. There’s a name for it. I’m not abnormal. I might not even be that unusual. What a strange thing.

  What an amazing, wonderful, beautiful, strange thing.

  ADITI

  Aditi paced the ten-by-ten floor of her office. She’d been procrastinating all morning. Okay, all week. Ever since the whole stupid “don’t write a follow-up” bullshit with Michelle, she’d been locked up tighter than… than something that was locked up really tightly.

  Yes, I am so stuck, I can’t even think of metaphors.

  She wanted to bang her head against a flat surface very, very hard. Like, bleeding hard.

  Why can’t I write? Why is it all so stupid? What the hell made me think I could do this anyway?

  She wanted to scream. She could—Druv wasn’t home, after all—but she got the feeling that if she started, she’d keep going, louder and longer, until some well-meaning neighbor called the cops.

  So back to procrastinating.

  She went to the kitchen and grabbed a big piece of lemon meringue pie and a beer. Ordinarily, she didn’t particularly like either of those things, but she’d had a sick craving lately. Since this was like giving birth to a book, perhaps cravings went along with it.
At this point, she was willing to try anything short of slaughtering a chicken and mucking around with its entrails to get some words on the page.

  If she stayed stuck another week, she’d get the fucking chicken.

  “Sort yourself out, for Chrissake,” she muttered to herself, sounding even crazier in the echo chamber of the empty hallway. She shut herself back in her office, turning on the Bose speaker. Joy Division… ugh, probably not helping. She changed the playlist to something just a touch more upbeat.

  She sat down at her computer. Her Slack notification cropped up—Elli was online, wanting to talk.

  What the hell, why not.

  It wasn’t like she was writing, anyway. She hopped on, wishing there were an incognito function so she could check out who was on before revealing herself. Thankfully, Michelle wasn’t there. She typed a quick hi.

  Aditi: Hey, what’s going on? Thought you’d be at work.

  Elli: I am. Question: do you know what asexual is?

  Aditi laughed. Trust Elli to pop in with a random non sequitur and make it seem pressing.

  Aditi: Sure. I mean, I know what it is conceptually. I don’t know anybody personally. I don’t think.

  There was a pause in Elli’s response, and in that lull, Taneesha jumped on.

  Taneesha: Hey! Don’t any of you bitches work?

  Aditi smiled, feeling her muscles slowly starting to relax. This was nice. She should’ve thought of this sooner.

  Aditi: Nah. I just fuck around and eat bonbons, you know that. What about you? Still the poster child for political correctness and ethnic quotas?

  Taneesha: Not this week. Christina got a little righteously indignant on my behalf. I love her for it, she has to know I do, and I didn’t want to come down hard on her. But… remember she went all mental on the WoW boards a few years ago?

  Aditi: Aw, shit. Did she make somebody cry? Hack into their personal accounts or something?

  Taneesha: Worse. She doxed the douchebag at work who complained about me in the first place.

  Aditi made a face before she could stop herself. “Shit,” she murmured.

  Aditi: Well, it could’ve been worse.