My Heart Remembers

by Flora Kidd

  Sally sat on the edge of it. ‘Why do you call it that?’ she asked.

  He removed the yellow helmet from his head and put it on the bookcase. Then he ran a hand through his hair with a weary gesture and took a packet of cigarettes from the pocket of his donkey jacket. Unlighted cigarette between his fingers, he leaned against the bookcase and once again she sensed hostility in his attitude as he looked at her.

  ‘I call it that because no one has ever stayed in it for long. Brian Wood had it on the last site he was in. Then I was in it here, then Mike, then Burnet, then me again ... and after today Burnet again, for a while.’

  He lit the cigarette. He was still pale, although Sally thought that the dust-streaks on his face might make him look like that. His oblique reference to his imminent departure depressed her and she had a sudden urge to leave.

  ‘I don’t really need any tea ... I’m not shocked. I could go straight home now,’ she said, half rising to her feet.

  ‘Sit down,’ he ordered curdy. ‘How did you get on to the site?’

  She sat down, realising that he must be more concerned about an unauthorised person being on the site than he was in her immediate welfare.

  ‘Wasn’t there anyone on duty at the barrier?’ he rapped.

  ‘Oh, yes, there was. Please, Ross, it wasn’t his fault. I waited until he wasn’t looking, then dodged into the woods and dumped my bike and walked through to the back of the house. I’ve been so many times I know my way.’

  He stared at her intently for a moment, then a slight smile softened the expression on his face.

  ‘I suppose you do, you little poacher,’ he accused, calling her by the name given to those who trespass for game and fish on private land. ‘Still, it was a risk you shouldn’t have taken. You could have been killed or badly hurt if we hadn’t seen you. It must have been some sixth sense which made me turn round when I did. You may not be shocked, but I am!’

  Sally’s eyes opened very wide. He was shocked because she might have been killed. Did that mean, could it possibly mean that...?

  She was unable to voice her question because the door opened and Burnet arrived with a tray bearing two mugs of tea and a bowl of sugar and a jug of milk. He put the tray on the desk, smiled kindly at Sally, gave a sidelong glance at the silent stone-faced Ross and departed without a word.

  Sally put milk and sugar into one of the mugs and began to sip. She had decided after all that Ross would have been shocked anyway, no matter who had been in danger, because he was responsible for whatever happened on the site, so she did not ask her question.

  Ross moved to the desk, stubbed out his cigarette, spooned sugar into the other mug of tea and drank some.

  He said abruptly,

  ‘I wish you hadn’t come. It would have been easier for me if you hadn’t.’

  There was such a savage note in his voice that she braced herself mentally for the punishment he had threatened to give her if he ever found her near the house. Her depression deepened as she realised that she had caused him trouble and that he would now go away with his impression of her as an irritating pest deepened and exaggerated.

  ‘I’m sorry ...’ she began to apologise, when he cut in with,

  ‘I don’t like saying goodbye. To have to say it twice is asking too much of anyone.’

  Her ears throbbed as her heart quickened its beat. Ross drank some more tea. Blood showed on one of his knuckles. He must have grazed it when he flung himself on top of her. He lowered the mug and Sally looked higher into his wary blue eyes.

  In that moment the courage which had deserted her for so long surged back.

  ‘You don’t have to say goodbye to me again,’ she said

  breathlessly. ‘I could come with you when you go.’

  It was said at last. She had offered herself, and if he rejected her she would accept defeat and go home.

  He put down the mug on the tray so sharply that tea slopped over the rim, and half sitting on the desk leaned towards her.

  “You can’t possibly mean what you say,’ he replied incredulously. ‘You must be more shocked than you think. Why, only last week you told me you would never leave Portbride.’

  ‘I do mean what I say,’ she insisted. ‘I was confused when I said that ... I didn’t know, I didn’t realise. Och, you’ve been so horrid and distant since you came back.’

  ‘That’s because I’ve been jealous of Mike,’ he admitted slowly.

  ‘But why? I don’t understand ...’

  He smiled rather ruefully.

  ‘No, I don’t expect you do. I didn’t myself at first ... I can’t even tell you when it began to happen. When I first came back to Portbride I was rather upset to see what the car crash had done to you and I wanted to help you. I found that to a certain extent I enjoyed your company, but that my previous relationship with Maeve tended to come between us. I thought that if Mike could restore your confidence while I managed to remove Maeve, then perhaps you and I could make more progress. But the idea of using Mike to restore you to health seemed to have boomeranged, and everything became complicated by the appearance of Lydia. On top of which you told me in no uncertain terms not to touch you and to go away. I decided that I was a fool for chasing rainbows, and took the opportunity of the problems at the South Wales site to go. I had no intention of returning.’

  ‘I only told you to go because I was afraid you might love me and leave me,’ said Sally in a low voice. ‘I didn’t think you would go right away.’

  ‘D’you know why I came back?’ he asked urgently.

  ‘You’ve asked me that before ... to destroy Winterston House.’

  ‘Someone else could have done that. No, I was given another choice. Stay in South Wales, or return here and let Mike go there. For once in my life I had difficulty in making a decision ... and all because of you. I kept thinking how much I would like to come back here and spend the next year with you. I even thought of buying a cottage where we might live together if all went well. So I came back to find out if there was any basis for my dream. I discovered that you were more concerned about Mike being hurt ... and had some totally erroneous ideas about my relationship with Lydia.’

  ‘I couldn’t help that,’ Sally defended herself. ‘Lydia herself told me that she was going to join you in South Wales. I thought you must have made an arrangement with her before you left.’

  ‘No arrangement was made. Sally, are you sure about Mike?’ He sounded oddly diffident for Ross and she realised she would have to work hard to convince him that he was the only person for whom she had ever felt this ardent emotion, this mixture of tenderness and passion.

  ‘I like Mike,’ she said quietly, ‘but it wouldn’t worry me if I never saw him again. I came here this morning because I realised that if you went away again life would be dismal and hollow. Please, Ross, let me come with you when you go.’

  He slid off the desk and walked round to her and taking her hand pulled her to her feet. With one hand he caressed her scarred cheek and then bent to kiss her. His mouth was gentle at first, cool and seeking, but as she responded wholeheartedly he began to caress her more ardently, so that her shyness evaporated and she responded more fully. At last he raised his head and grinned down at her.

  ‘You may not believe me, but this is the first time I’ve ever made love to anyone so early on a Saturday morning. There’s no need for you to come with me, because I’m going to stay. Mike can go to Wales. I’ll tell the company that this is a much better place for a honeymoon. What do you think of Gimlet Cottage as our first home?’

  ‘So that was why you were so interested in it!’ exclaimed Sally. ‘And I thought you wanted it for you and Lydia. I should like to live there as long as you’re with me.’

  ‘It won’t be for long, Sally ... only until the site work is done. That’s why it’s important for me to know if you can bear to leave Portbride, because I couldn’t leave you behind. We can keep the cottage as a place to come back to ... to refresh ourselves. We
can bring our children to it, so that they too can learn to appreciate the wind and the sun and the rain. Will that suit you?’

  For answer she kissed him impulsively and his arms tightened around her as he returned the kiss. But he raised his head quickly and glancing round the room made a grimace of distaste. Then he looked down at her and she recognised the expression in his eyes, the mixture of challenge and amusement.

  ‘Let’s get out of here. I know of far better places among the hills where we can make love on a lovely sunny morning like this. Coming?’

  This time the old familiar invitation had no careless, throw-away overtones. This time he did not set off without her.

  ‘I’m coming,’ she answered.

  And together, hand in hand, they walked out of the office down the corridor, and out into the September sunshine.

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