I Need You

by Jane Lark

  It felt comforting, but odd.

  When he lifted the blanket to throw it on the sand, I stopped him. “No, I’ll wrap it around me, I want to be able to watch you surf.”

  “Okay.” He flashed me a smile. Both of us were tiptoeing around awkward today. “But I can get one of the other blankets from the SUV. I’ll put this down and get you a non-sandy one to put around you.

  Once he laid it out, I sat down on it, my knees bent up and my arms wrapped around them as he ran off back up the beach.

  The breeze blowing up from the ocean made me shiver and whipped up the sand, tossing it around like a shifting magic carpet flying low over the beach.

  I liked Billy, and what we’d done, but my heart still ached for Jason… and my body was full of pain for Mom.

  I watched the waves crash up onto the sand.

  Waves had kept crashing over my life for years, and like the sand I’d got pulled, thrown and blown around on the tide and breeze. I had no control over anything. This was not where I wanted to be. Things would never be how I wanted them to be… I couldn’t control fate… I couldn’t stop what was happening. I was gonna lose Mom, like I’d lost Jason…

  A girl’s squeal disturbed my distracted thoughts. The people who’d been around the campfire last night had a game of frisbee going on a few yards away, and a girl had dived and missed a catch. The rest of them laughed, but one of the guitar-players walked over to help her up.

  He glanced my way and caught me looking. I looked at the waves.

  Billy was gone ages, letting my mind play around, overthinking everything.

  If Jason had been more honest with me about how bad our sex was, and helped me understand that, like Billy had done… What would have happened then? Would he not have gone to New York and met Rachel? Or maybe gone but not been drawn to her?

  I sighed, moisture clouding my gaze and pain punching at my belly.

  Billy’s feet kicked the dry sand up beside me. I looked across as he set his board down, then tossed the extra blanket at me.

  “You okay?” He’d seen the moisture in my eyes.

  I took a breath and shoved my sadness away. “Yeah.”

  He stripped off his sweat top and tee.

  Every time he stripped it flipped something in my belly.

  His nipples stood out from discs of darker brown. Jason’s skin had been pinker than Billy’s.

  I shut my eyes. I really should stop comparing them.

  When I opened my eyes Billy stood in his swim shorts, the muscle in his thighs and arms moving as he pulled his wetsuit over his feet. Once it was on both legs up to his knees, he rocked his hips as he pulled it up over his massive thighs. The thing clung on every curve.

  He grinned at me when it hung from his waist. I think he liked me watching.

  He slid his arms into it. It wasn’t easy or seductive, but the action had his abs and pecs shifting, and I watched that wondering how someone could make their body look so good. But then he did spend hours and hours working out. It was his job…

  When his arms were in, his hand lifted and combed his hair back, then ruffled it.

  A low note of laughter caught in the back of my throat. He didn’t have any product in it today, so it didn’t stand up straight anyway, but that was why he’d instinctively ruffled it. It was cute the way he did that.

  His gaze came back to mine, a look of uncertainty in it. It was the first time I’d seen Billy look uncertain. Had he heard the noise of laughter escape my throat? “Sorry, it was just the way you rubbed your hair, you do it all the time. Only this time, there’s nothing in it to spike it.”

  He gave me a twisted smile that was not sure if I was teasing in a cruel way.

  I took a breath. “I prefer it not spiked.”

  “Do you now? What, like I prefer you without makeup…?”

  He’d caught me. My lips parted in a smile. “I guess so.”

  He pulled the zipper of his wetsuit up, stopping my eyesight gorging on his ripped abs. “Difference is though, Lind. I’m not shit-scared by what you think about me leaving the stuff out of my hair.”

  True.

  “Are you gonna come down to the ocean and watch?”

  “I can see you from here.”

  “I know but walk down there with me. I feel guilty leaving you alone here. I’ll put my stuff on the blanket to stop it blowing away.”

  I’d had years of Jason leaving me behind when he went running, and we’d argued about that, lots. Or rather I’d argued and he’d just gone off for a run. Billy knew.

  “Okay.” I got up. Between me and Jason, before we split, things had been well-worn and predictable––comfortable. Things with Billy were odd and unknown––so strange.

  Stop comparing!

  We were avoiding facing things today, because I guess neither of us really knew what difference last night had made.

  It had just been sex.

  But sex had changed everything…

  Billy walked beside me carrying his board under one arm, his other hanging limp. Then about halfway down, he reached over and caught hold of my hand, and his fingers threaded in between mine. “You seem sad.”

  Tears burned in my eyes. I am sad. I have so much to be sad about… If you knew… But I can’t tell you…

  I swallowed them back. That was how things had been between Jason and me. Me sad and unable to speak and him not understanding or talking. He’d just turned away to avoid the conflict––and gone out for a run––while inside I’d screamed––you go, you escape me. You have your fun and forget I’m here!

  I looked over at Billy’s blue eyes. My belly fluttered like I had a bird in it, not butterflies. “Not really, just thoughtful. But, hey, no more than normal lately. I’m not gonna suddenly feel better because we had good sex.”

  His lips twisted. “I know, Lind, but for the record… it wasn’t just good sex, it was awesome sex.”

  At the ocean, he let my hand go, but then his hand gripped the back of my head and he pressed a kiss on my lips.

  When he pulled away his fingers lingered in my hair. “See you in a while.”

  “Okay.”

  He turned and ran into the shallows, a slow jog. For a muscular guy, he could move easily.

  When he got into waist-height he threw the board down and pushed it out a little bit further.

  I watched him go deeper and turn his head sideways to avoid the breakers crashing into his face, gripping the board as it tipped up, then went over the wave. On the other side of it, he pulled his body up onto the board. I only caught glimpses of him as he lay on it and paddled out deeper still.

  The next time I saw him, he came back in on the surf, riding the brow of a wave, still lying on the board, but while I watched the white spume race about him, he gripped the board and pushed himself up to stand on it, then steered it with his feet.

  It looked effortless. He balanced easily, his arms hanging loose, just the power in his thighs and calves cutting a path for the board through the racing water.

  I was in awe of him. The shape of his body. The cut of his hips into his waist. His broad shoulders. His simplicity. His calm nature. The way he supported me. His passion.

  He really was something out of the ordinary, and nothing like Jason. My stupid heart still didn’t seem to know Jason had left me, though.

  Stop comparing!

  Billy rode the surf into the shore until he was only a few yards away from me. I watched until he jumped off and dropped into the water, lifting a hand to me.

  I lifted my hand. Smiling.

  He turned to push the board back out.

  I turned away, then walked back up the beach. My arms folded over my chest, pulling the blanket tighter around my shoulders. It was really cold today; the wind was strong. I glanced around the beach. Dozens of people had come down to fly kites. They bobbed and danced on the air, catching and taming the ocean breeze.

  My gaze fell as I reached the warmer, dry sand, watching my toes sink into i
t until I got to the blanket.

  When I sat down, I bent my knees up, watching the ocean. I couldn’t see Billy.

  I should have brought my cell down, then I could have played games while he surfed. I didn’t want to be alone.

  The misery I’d left at home crept in. I’d been pushing it away, slowly escaping, the last couple of days but I could never escape it, I shouldn’t even be trying… Guilt––I hate you. Pain––I hate you. Fear––I hate you. FATE––I FUCKING HATE YOU!

  This is where loneliness left me… with time to think. I didn’t want to think.

  “Hey! Watch out!” Something light hit my shoulder and bounced off.

  A frisbee.

  “Sorry!”

  I picked up the frisbee and looked up. It was one of the guys who’d played guitar last night. “Yours?” I held it up.

  “Yeah, throw it over.”

  He stood about a dozen feet back from the blanket. The only way I’d have any chance of throwing it near him was to stand up. I stood. The blanket falling off my shoulders. I spun the frisbee at him, trying to cut it through the harsh breeze racing up the beach. It went wide.

  “Whoa.” He reached over, laughing and diving for it. He caught it before he, and it, hit the sand. His blue eyes bright with laughter. “Quite a challenge, do you wanna play?”

  It would be better than sitting alone thinking. “Okay.”

  He got up, brushed the sand off, then threw the frisbee to someone else before walking my way, holding out a hand.

  ““What’s your name? Mine’s Nial.” His grip was tight and warm.

  “Lindy.” The wind blew my hair around, all over my face. When he let go of my hand I tucked my wayward hair behind my ears.

  He pointed over to the other guy who’d been playing guitar last night. “That’s my brother, Sawyer, and…” He went on to name the eight or so people who played the game, another five or six of them sat on rugs near where they’d had a fire last night. The frisbee game went on around us.

  “You listened to us last night, right?”

  “Yeah.” I didn’t see any reason to lie.

  “Well if you liked what you heard, we’re playing at Jackson’s Bar tonight, why don’t you come?”

  I looked for Billy in the ocean.

  “You could bring your…” Nial hesitated asking a question.

  What was Billy to me? “Friend,” I picked the only answer I knew to be true.

  The frisbee flew past, about a foot away from Nial’s head, as if someone reminded him he was supposed to be in the game.

  He looked over his shoulder at his brother, his lips quirking to the side, then he looked back at me. “Come on, let’s play.” His fingers gripped my arm and pulled me into the game. His fingers were long and narrow. He had Jason’s build, a little shorter than Billy and thinner, but still muscular, just in a more athletic way.

  A lot of teasing went on in the game, people pretending to throw one way then throwing the other, deliberately making it go high or wide to get the catcher out. For the first half hour none of the others threw it to me. Nial always did and he never made the throws hard. But then gradually I got absorbed into the game and I had to keep my eyes open as everyone started throwing to me, and not easy catches.

  A couple of the girls tossed questions too.

  “Where are you from?”

  “A small town not far from Portland.”

  “Are you on vacation?”

  “Yeah.”

  I hadn’t socialized for months, and even when I had, for the last year it had only been with Jason’s family. This felt good. Something buzzed inside me.

  Sawyer threw the frisbee at me, from way across the ring and it went wide. I lunged for it and fell, catching it an inch off the sand.

  “Cool move.” Nial came to help me up, gripping my forearm as I still held the frisbee off the ground.

  I laughed, struggling to my feet.

  “Lindy! Lindy!”

  I looked down the beach to see Billy walking up with his surfboard under his arm.

  His wet hair was stuck to his forehead. It made him look different––aggressive. “Lindy!”

  “Looks like your friend wants you…”

  “His name’s Billy. Maybe we’ll see you tonight. Thanks for asking me to join in. It was fun.” I lifted my hand a little, then turned and ran down the beach to meet Billy.

  “Hey.” My voice came out breathless as I reached him, but a smile pulled my lips apart. “Did you have fun?” I walked beside him, matching his pace. Water dripped off his hair and his wetsuit, and he smelled of salt.

  His brow furrowed and his eyes narrowed. “Yeah, ‘til I saw you with them. What were you doing with them?”

  “Playing frisbee.”

  “Obviously. I mean why?” We’d reached the blanket. He put his board down on the sand and began unzipping his wetsuit.

  “Because they asked.”

  “Who asked?” His wetsuit was now gapping open all the way to his groin, revealing the cut of his abs, that had strange sensations twisting around in my belly, stirring up a potion of memories.

  His hand lifted and swept back his wet hair.

  “Nial. One of the guys who played guitar last night. His brother, the other guitarist, is called Sawyer.” I didn’t list the other names, I’d forgotten half of them anyway. “He was being nice because he saw me on my own. They’re playing in a bar here tonight, so we could go along and listen if you want.”

  He huffed out a breath but didn’t answer as he started peeling off his wetsuit. There was no denying he had a good body. I glanced over at Nial and saw him make a throw, his lean arm stretched out. That was the body shape I was used to.

  Once Billy had stripped his wetsuit off he pulled his shorts back on over his swim trunks, then looked at me. “Aren’t you gonna lay down.”

  “It’s too cold to catch any sun today.”

  “Then I’ll go fetch the tent poles and blankets. Sit down.”

  I did. He pulled his t-shirt and sweat top on, then his fingers combed through his hair and ruffled it. It brought a smile to my lips, especially as my gaze went to that stupid leather bracelet. I was gonna cut that off for him.

  He looked at me, not going, but instead dropping down to kneel beside me on the blanket. “I know you still don’t think you’re attractive, but that guy does––”

  “Nial?” I picked up the spare blanket and wrapped it around my shoulders again.

  “Yeah, he was staring at you last night when they played, I saw him. I know you didn’t.”

  I didn’t know what to say. “He threw the frisbee and it hit my shoulder.”

  “It was a move, Lind. He thinks you’re hot.”

  I looked at the game of frisbee, that had carried on.

  “Have you got the hots for him?” Billy’s pitch got lower. I met his dark-blue gaze. It asked more questions than that one, burning with accusation and disappointment.

  Was he angry? I didn’t know if I fancied Nial, but I knew I was not ready to commit to anything… not with Billy or anyone… I couldn’t get caught up in anything right now… I… Then what had last night been? Foolish probably. Not thought-out. But I didn’t regret it. “I don’t know, but if I did, Billy, it hardly matters. You know I’m not ready to get into anything heavy, I’m too messed-up right now…”

  The emotion in his gaze punctured and he looked down as he got up again. “I’ll go get the stuff for our den.”

  What had he thought last night was? He hadn’t ever had a serious relationship, so he can’t have thought it anything special. But I wasn’t asking him. I didn’t want to get into difficult conversations. He’d said in the beginning we’d just see where things went. That was all I wanted, easy, unpainful, uncomplicated, escape. That was what he’d given me.

  Chapter Ten

  Billy

  I hadn’t said much to Lindy on the beach, or as we’d walked back up to the apartments at around five. I hadn’t gone back into the surf
either. To be truthful, I was pissed with her. After what we’d done the night before I didn’t like the thought of her anywhere near another guy.

  But that was being a jerk, jealous and selfish, and those were the feelings I’d tried to conquer in the summers I’d spent here. They could eat my innards out if I let them––I was done with them. She had to do what she wanted.

  Though every time I thought of that guy, it still made my skin crawl like I had bugs all over me, and my teeth clench.

  I had to stop myself from growling at her when we discussed where to go eat. She held out for the bar––to watch Nial and his brother Sawyer play.

  Bullshit.

  I’d only just got her, after years of watching her, and now she liked someone else. What was wrong with her? What was wrong with me?

  In the end we agreed a compromise. We went to a diner and then went on over to Jackson’s Bar.

  When I ordered our drinks a swell of emotion frothed around me like I was riding the crest of a wave. I wanted to do harm to someone tonight. I was riled up and ready to fight––for her. Ten hours before I’d thought I knew where I stood; I’d stepped through the gates of heaven. Now I was back on the stairway down to hell, where I’d been wallowing for years.

  “Hey, guys.” Nial’s cheery welcome had all the muscles in my back stiffening and the hair rising on the back of my neck.

  Fuck.

  I turned.

  “Do you want a drink?” He looked at Lindy.

  “I’ve already ordered.”

  He looked at me and held out a hand. “Hey, Billy. Nice to meet ya all, I’m Nial.” The guy was playing with me.

  I wanted to punch him right in the face, and then maybe in the gut too, but that was not an option. Instead I gripped his hand really hard and felt the bones in his fingers crunch, warning him to back off. “Likewise.”

  He knew he was stepping on my territory, I could see it. But he looked like the sort of guy who didn’t give a shit, and the complete opposite of me.