I Need You

by Jane Lark

  Was she kidding me? Or Dad to see her with her hair falling out. Surely having more time mattered more than that…

  I shook my head at her when it clicked. Lindy had inherited her I-need-to-look-perfect gene from her mom. But why not tell anyone? “Why didn’t you say something to me, I mean if not before, why not tell me when we were away?”

  “Mom doesn’t want people pitying her. She wanted us to deal with it as a family.”

  “While you suffered and fell apart…?” Shit, so many things started clicking into place. “Is that why you took the overdose, not because of Jason?”

  Her blue eyes looked up at me, searching my expression for judgment. “Partly, but not because of that particularly… It’s just… This is hard… I don’t want to live without her and I didn’t have Jason to turn to anymore. I got messed up… I know it was wrong now, but at the time, I couldn’t think straight.”

  More tears rolled down her cheeks.

  I rested a hand on her shoulder, feeling like the douche she’d called me a few weeks ago. I’d cursed her in my head for not getting over Jason. It wasn’t Jason she hadn’t got over.

  Her temple fell against my knee as she clutched her legs against her chest. “I don’t want to let her go, but there’s no choice.”

  My fingers brushed over her soft hair, releasing the scent of her shampoo. Lindy grounded me. She made me feel real and alive. And her… What was I to her? “I’m sorry.”

  Her head tipped back and her eyes met mine. “Me too. Sorry you felt like I was using you, I guess I was. It’s just, it felt good to get out of the house, escape… and sex with you… made me forget everything for a little while.”

  I brushed back the strands of her hair that had got stuck on the tear tracks. I probably shouldn’t say what I was about to say, but I was drunk, and I had to get it out… “What am I to you, Lindy? I mean do you like me, think I’m hot… What? ‘Cause I have no idea.”

  She didn’t answer.

  Fuck it, I was just gonna throw all my cards on the table and leave her to show her hand too. “Lindy, I love you. That’s why I’m asking. I’ve loved you for years. I wanted you before you were even seeing Jason. But you always looked at him not me.” I took a breath. “Now I know you see me, but what do you see?”

  Her forehead crunched up. “Since––”

  “Since before Jason.”

  She looked even more confused. “But we shared an apartment with you at college…”

  “I know. Believe me. I spent those years in agony.” My smile twisted, maybe turning bitter.

  “But you… We all got on…”

  “I only went to the same fricking college as you to stay near you. See how bad I have it for you now?”

  She shook her head, her gaze clouding. It didn’t look like she appreciated my confession. Fresh tears dripped from her tinted eyelashes, dropping onto her bent knees.

  “Come here.” I pulled her up off the floor, onto my lap and she turned sideways, her arms sliding about my neck as I rubbed her back. “Sorry, I didn’t pick the best moment to tell you, did I?”

  She sobbed against my neck, her tears soaking into the collar of my shirt.

  “Mom is dying, Billy.”

  Yeah, wrong moment. My confession got swept away as she sobbed as hard as she’d done when I first came up here. I held her. That was what she’d asked me to do. Just that.

  It was about ten minutes before she pulled away, sitting up and wiping the tears from her cheeks; her eyes redder and puffier. She sniffed. “Sorry.”

  “You’re entitled to have a good cry.”

  “I ought to go in and talk to Mom and Dad for a moment, then, when I come out, we can go down to the café and get a coffee. You probably need one if you’re drunk.”

  My lips twisted in a lopsided smile and I caught her chin in my fingers. “I didn’t say what I said ‘cause I’ve been drinking, it’s the truth.”

  Her eyes stared back at me. “I believe you. I just… I need time to get my head around it, and you need to sober up.”

  I nodded. Was I slurring my words? I didn’t think so. But I bet I did have beer breath. “Okay.” My heart clenched with a bitter pain. She didn’t feel anything for me. I was an idiot.

  She got up. I caught her hand. “Hey, I forgot, Jason and Rachel are downstairs, they drove me in.”

  “Why?”

  “’Cause I’ve been drinking…”

  “No, I mean why are they downstairs? Are you going to go again?”

  I stood up too and gripped her head in my hands, tilting her face up to look at me. “No, Lindy. I’m gonna be here for as long as you need me now.”

  “Then why did they stay?”

  “Because Jason was worried about you, and Rachel. They both want to support you too. I warned them you might not want them here, but Jason insisted on hanging around. He said he still cares about you and Rachel agreed.”

  Her gaze shuttered, turning inward. She was thinking, remembering stuff about Jason, probably.

  There was that knife cut of jealousy inside me.

  “Hey.” My fingers brushed her hair back from her cheek. “If you don’t want them here, I can tell them to go…”

  Her gaze came back to me, new tears sparkling in her eyes. “No, it’s okay. Why don’t you go down while I go see Mom, and then I’ll come down and find you?”

  “If you’re okay with that?”

  “Yeah.” She nodded. “I’ll see you down there.”

  She turned away, her hair slipping out of my fingers. My hand lifted to my hair as she walked out, combing through it, then I roughed it up.

  A part of me left with her. I wasn’t a whole person without her. I’d been crazy the last few days to think I could forget her. I couldn’t forget her.

  My hands slid into my pockets as I left, heading for the elevator.

  Jason stood up as soon as I got down to the main reception. “How is she, have you seen her?”

  “Yeah. She’s a mess, as expected. But she said she doesn’t mind you being here. She’s gonna come down in a while, then we can go get a coffee.”

  “And Miriam, how’s Miriam?”

  “Dying. She has breast cancer. Or rather it started off as that but now she has it loads of places. It was diagnosed four years ago, but it had already spread beyond any cure. She didn’t want anyone to know… She has weeks or days left, that’s all…”

  “Shit…” Jason hissed.

  “Oh my God.” Rachel stood up.

  “Why the fuck didn’t Lindy say something…?” Jason’s hand gripped behind his neck.

  “Because Miriam didn’t want her to. Because Miriam was the one who passed the I-must-be-perfect gene on to Lindy. Because Miriam didn’t like the thought of being pitied, or watched…”

  “Lindy changed the summer break before we went to college, completely. She turned moody and angry. She was always opinionated and bossy, but that summer…” His hand fell to his side. Rachel gripped it.

  I could see the guilt hitting him. He had a ton more to bear than I did. They’d been together and he hadn’t known…

  “Crap.” The swear came out on his breath.

  “Hey, Lindy!” Rachel called across the room. I turned to Lindy as Rachel added, “I’m really sorry to hear about your mom.” Rachel’s voice was still bright and bubbly, like it had been at the bar and it echoed about the reception area.

  “Me too,” Jason added, “tell Miriam I’m thinking of her. I called Mom. She’ll pray for her.”

  Tears shone in Lindy’s eyes. I moved to meet her as she walked the last few steps and slung my arm around her shoulders. She leaned against me, in a way that seemed instinctive.

  The scars jealousy had cut in me healed a little. Her arm settled about my waist in return, and her other hand rested on my abs. The heat of her breath seeped through my shirt for a moment, as she hugged me before pulling a little away, but her arm stayed around me, and mine stayed around her.

  Jason looked at
my hand on her shoulder. It was weird having Lindy up close to me with him here. I caught his gaze and he smiled. But it was an awkward smile.

  A tremor of insecurity spun through my belly.

  This may be odd but he had to deal with it––and so did I.

  “I want a coffee,” Lindy said, “shall we go to the café?” She did her best to act normal, but I could hear her discomfort in her voice.

  Jason and Rachel turned and walked on ahead. My hand slipped from Lindy’s shoulder and gripped her upper arm instead, holding her back. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

  Her head turned and her gaze caught mine… “I feel as if I’m dreaming. I’ll wake up, and this will never have happened.”

  “I wish that for you too, Lind.” But I couldn’t fix it, and I wouldn’t want time to go back four years anyway. If it did she’d still be with Jason…

  Her arms slipped about my middle, and we held each other again for a moment. I hurt for her––for what was happening with her mom––but it felt good to hold her.

  “You smell of beer,” she said, as she let me go. “We’d better go get you a coffee so you can sober up.”

  I laughed.

  She gripped my hand and led the way.

  Rachel and Jason were ordering theirs when we got down there. I gripped Lindy’s hand more firmly, looking at the guy who was serving. “Two coffees. One large and black. Do you want something to eat, Lind?”

  “No, I couldn’t, I’m not hungry. My belly is a mess.”

  “What about a cookie, you don’t want to get ill. You need to feel well enough to support your mom.”

  Tears glittered in her eyes. “Okay.”

  Jason picked up their tray as ours was being loaded. “Where do you wanna sit?” He looked at Lindy.

  “By the windows, if that’s okay. This place feels like it’s closing in on me.”

  My fingers lifted and brushed through her hair as Jason walked away. “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “For all of this…”

  “It’s not your fault, Billy.”

  “I know, but you deserve to be happy…”

  More tears glittered. I needed to drink my coffee so I stopped ramming my foot in my mouth.

  She wiped at the corners of her eyes and took a deep breath as I picked up the tray, steeling herself to face Jason and Rachel, I guessed.

  “We really don’t have to go talk with them if you don’t want.”

  “No, what happened is hardly important anymore, is it?”

  Those words swept over me and seeped into my blood. She didn’t care about Jason anymore. Was that what she’d said?

  She walked ahead over to where Jason sat beside Rachel.

  You drunken jackass, Billy. What she meant was––since her mom is dying what did her ex matter?

  She slid into the seat nearest the window. I set the tray down and sat next to her, then handed her the coffee and her cookie.

  Awkwardness hung in the air as Lindy faced Rachel.

  “I really am sorry about your mom.” Rachel sought to express concern but her words still poured out full of vibrant sound, tripping over each other. “If I’d known––”

  “What?” Lindy interrupted, “You two would not have got together? That would be dumb, because it’s obvious you and Jason were made to be together.” She looked at Jason, “And he and I never were…”

  I slipped my hand beneath the table and lay it on her thigh. Immediately her hand slid underneath and laid on mine, her fingers settling between mine.

  Pain caught hard in my chest.

  “I know,” Rachel answered, smiling, with a little infectious sort of laugh. “But what I was gonna say, was, I would have been kinder to you. Definitely.”

  “But that would have just been pity, and I wasn’t being kind to you––”

  “That was a little justified…”Jason whispered. “You must have felt like fate was beating you up. No wonder you didn’t want me to go to New York. You should’ve just said, Lind…”

  “Mom didn’t want people to know…”

  “But…” He stopped talking, glanced at Rachel and smiled, then finished looking back at Lindy. “We were engaged. I was supposed to be a part of your family.”

  Jason gripped Rachel’s hand while it rested on the table.

  “But then you two wouldn’t have met,” Lindy looked from Jason to Rachel and smiled. Rachel grinned.

  Lindy looked at Jason again. “And if you’d stayed here with me, you’d have ended up hating me. You didn’t love me. It was always gonna end badly, wasn’t it? You were right.”

  I didn’t know if it was really what she thought, or if she’d just resigned herself to it now––like she’d said, it really didn’t matter anymore.

  My fingers squeezed her thigh gently; she squeezed my fingers in return.

  Shit, it was wrong to feel good that she’d come out and admitted she was with me while her mom was dying. I was too drunk; I sipped my coffee.

  Jason asked how her dad was.

  The conversation after that was clumsy and full of pauses, as all of us avoided any more difficult subjects, but it wasn’t unbearable, and Lindy held up. As soon as she’d finished her coffee, though, she looked at me. “I need to go back up. I want to go see Mom.”

  “We ought to get back to Saint, Jason. He’ll be missing us and I need to feed him.” Rachel said.

  He glanced at her. “Yeah.” Then he looked at me. “Do you want a ride back?”

  I looked at Lindy. “Do you want me to stay and hang out here with you?”

  Tears filled her eyes and she nodded.

  “It’s okay. I’ll stay.”

  “I need the restroom before we go,” Rachel said, standing up as Jason started moving out the way.

  “Me too,” I rose as Lindy’s hand lifted off mine.

  “I’ll wait here,” she said.

  I looked back at her. “Okay.”

  Then I realized she’d be left here alone with Jason. She didn’t seem bothered, though.

  Lindy

  When Billy walked away with Rachel, Jason slid into the seat opposite me and gripped my hand. “I’m sorry, Lindy, I really am.” His face blurred as tears filled my eyes. His fingers wiped one off my cheek. “I wasn’t all that good to you, was I? Not really.”

  It was weird to have him touch me again when I needed comfort. But… It didn’t feel right anymore. Sniffing, I wiped my own tears away. “No, you had it right. I chased after you and pressured you to want me; you never really did.”

  “That sounded all hard and cold, Lind. But I don’t think that’s what you feel inside. You and Billy, is it going somewhere?”

  “I don’t know… I can’t think about the future…”

  “From what he’s said to me, he sounds right for you––”

  “What did he say?”

  His smile twisted and he blushed a bit. “It doesn’t matter, it just sounds like you and him get along way better than you and I ever did.”

  I didn’t disagree, it was true. I looked down at his hand holding mine. It didn’t even feel reassuring anymore. It didn’t feel anything but odd––and wrong…“I guess, we could go wait for them over there, rather than make them come back here.” The awkwardness of him touching me, and being so close, was too much.

  “Yeah.” Letting go of my hand, he slid out of the seat. I did too. But when I stood up, he captured me in a hug. He’d been my comfort for years. He was so much leaner than Billy, and a little shorter, my head rested against his shoulder, not the solid mass of Billy’s chest, and my arms fit further around him. But it was wrong now. He didn’t feel strong enough to protect me.

  Billy was right for me…

  I let Jason go and stepped away, letting go of him mentally, not just physically.

  He was my past. What I’d thought we’d had, hadn’t even been true… And I didn’t care anymore.

  “Ready?” Billy’s voice caught at my heart and stirre
d it. I looked past Jason to see Billy walking over. I left Jason behind.

  “Hey.” I hugged Billy and his big arms came around me.

  This was where I belonged now, with this solid, secure guy––who’d just said he’d loved me for years…

  Chapter Nineteen

  Lindy

  Mom breathed slowly with her eyes shut. Dad sat by her bed, his arms crossed over his chest and his head bowed forward, asleep.

  I sat in the chair on the other side of the bed.

  Mom still clutched the button that would release the morphine from a drip into her arm. She opened her eyes. She hadn’t been asleep.

  “How are you?” I whispered.

  She gave me a wobbly smile. “Surviving, honey.”

  I leaned forward and covered her hand. “I wish I could do something… Anything to make it better…”

  “I know, and so do I… But we can’t.”

  Tears clouded my gaze. That was why I hadn’t stayed in here, because I kept crying, and crying was no good to her.

  “I’m sorry. You’re growing up, Lindy, and I won’t get to see you married or my grandkids… Not physically at least.” She shut her eyes on a sigh, that sounded heavy with exhaustion. “But I will come back as an angel and watch over you. I’ll see them.” It was the promise she’d made to me from the day this had begun.

  I squeezed her hand. She pressed the button so the drip released the pain meds. That was why she had finally decided to come in here––she’d been in unbearable pain and finding it hard to breathe. She’d been crying for hours.

  She didn’t open her eyes again. I leaned forward, resting my forehead against the hand I held. It lifted from beneath mine, and I moved, then I rested my head on the blanket and she stroked my hair. I wanted to keep my mom. I didn’t want to lose her.

  “Thank you for being my mom. I’ve been lucky to have you. You’ve done so much for me.” My voice got muffled by the blanket.

  When I was a kid we’d gone cycling and swimming, and spent days and days together. She wasn’t just my mom; she was my friend.