I Need You

by Jane Lark

  “I was with Lindy.”

  “Lindy?” Mom appeared.

  “Yeah, Lindy. I have to get to work. Can I get into the kitchen and make a coffee?”

  “I’ll make your coffee. You sit down and tell me why you are spending more time with that girl…”

  I laughed at the condemnation in her voice as she turned to get my coffee.

  She looked over her shoulder. “It’s not funny.”

  “We’re together…”

  She stopped dead and turned back. “No.”

  “I spent the night at her’s. Her mom is sick. Mrs. Martin has cancer. She’s dying. Lindy called me up when I was out with Jason and Rachel and asked me to go into the hospital and sit with her.”

  “So she’s using you again…” I looked over as Eva walked in; she had her pjs on.

  “She’s not.” I looked back at Mom. “Will you put the coffee on? I need to go shower; I have to work today.”

  I looked back at Eva as I headed across the living room. “Apparently her mom has been sick for years. That’s why she’s been so weird…”

  “Years? Miriam?” Dad challenged as I passed Eva.

  “Yes, Dad. She didn’t want anyone to know. She’s embarrassed about it. You know what Lindy’s mom is like…” The same as Lindy––too worried about what others think.

  “But that’s foolish…” Mom answered. “I haven’t seen her for a while but I thought she was just hiding away because of Lindy going off the rails. I thought she was embarrassed by her daughter––”

  “Nope, Lindy didn’t even fall to pieces over Jason, she fell to pieces ‘cause her mom was diagnosed terminally sick four years ago.” I looked at Eva. “So, even if she is using me, I don’t give a shit anymore, because I make her feel better and I told her I love her and you should have seen the look in her eyes…”

  “What look?”

  “Like she thought it was awesome…” I grinned. “Mom, I’m gonna go shower. Will you make the coffee…?”

  She nodded. Dad caught my gaze and nodded too.

  I’d been cross-examined and the jury was gonna discuss. I doubted the verdict would be good. None of them believed Lindy was for real…

  I did.

  For the first time ever.

  The grin was still on my face as I stepped into the shower.

  Chapter Twenty

  Billy

  When I got in the SUV and picked up my cell, my hand shook a little. Partly ‘cause I’d drunk too much last night and partly ‘cause even though I’d been upbeat earlier, now it was time to find out if Lindy wanted to see me, doubt kicked.

  I was gonna text, but that was cowardly. I found her number and called.

  It rang a few times as I tapped my fingers in a rhythm on the wheel. Then it went into answer. “This is Lindy, I’m busy. Leave a message and I’ll call back.”

  “Hey, it’s Billy, I’ve done working. Call me if you want me to come to the hospital, or anywhere else.”

  The words echoed in my head as I ended the call, or anywhere else. That sounded pathetic. Please need me, Lind. Please love me back.

  I threw my cell on the passenger seat, turned the key, revved the SUV and glanced in the side mirror before I pulled out.

  My cell rang “Shit.”

  There was a car behind me; I couldn’t pull straight in. I flicked my indicator and drove another couple of hundred yards then pulled back in and parked. My cell had stopped ringing.

  It was Lindy.

  I called her back. “Lind?”

  “Billy.” Her voice came out breathless like she was glad it was me. My heart did a stupid back flip. “You’re done working? How did it go?”

  “Great, apart from fighting a pounding headache. Are you at the hospital? Did you want me to come there?”

  “No, Mom’s moved to the hospice, but yeah I’d like you to come here.” I could hear her smiling. Was that stupid?

  “How’s your Mom?”

  “A little better now she’s settled in here and on the pain-meds she needed. We had a long talk today. She’s sleeping now.”

  “Do you want to go home, then?”

  “No, I’m gonna stay until four, but she said she doesn’t mind you coming in the room, if you want to…”

  Did I want to? For Lindy, I guess I did. “Okay. I’ll get out of my gym gear, then come.”

  “Thanks, Billy.” Her words sounded like they came from her heart.

  “You’re welcome, Lind. I’ll be as quick as I can.”

  “I’ll meet you in reception. Text me when you leave home.”

  “Okay.”

  “Bye.”

  “See you soon.”

  “Okay.”

  I chucked the cell back on the passenger seat, looked in the mirror, then pulled out.

  We’d moved on––she was my girlfriend, and yet I still wasn’t sure where we stood.

  No one was at home when I got there. I showered and threw some clothes into a backpack to head out.

  When I went back into the living room, Eva and Mom were in there. “I’m gonna pick Lindy up from the hospice, where her mom is, and then I’m gonna stay at hers for a few days.”

  Eva stood up, all bristling little sister. “Billy––”

  “Don’t you want me to be happy?”

  “That is what I want, but she makes you unhappy.”

  Mom stood too. “I feel sorry for the Martins, but that does not mean I wish you hurt.”

  I dropped my backpack on the floor, looking at them both. “Okay, it’s nice you care, but… Let me deal with it!” I glared at Eva, then Mom. “I’m going all in, and giving this the best chance it has.”

  Eva’s eyes narrowed. The irritated look of a teenage girl.

  Mom touched my arm, like she was about to try and talk sense into me. “Billy––“

  “No. You know how much I want this. Just give me space and time to see if I can make it work.”

  Doubt and worry surged through her gaze, while Eva’s eyes burned pure anger. Neither of them had any faith.

  I had faith.

  I looked at Mom. “Stay out of it.” My pitch held force.

  Her hands lifted, palm out. “Okay. But you know what I think. I’ve warned you.”

  “And you know what I think too,” Eva threw her cent in.

  “Eva, you’ve never had a boyfriend. You can’t give me relationship advice.”

  “I have a boyfriend. The boy on the bus asked me out!” Her voice lifted to a squeaky squeal.

  I shook my head and grinned at her. “You have a day-old relationship and now you think you know it all. That does not make you the perfect mentor.” But I didn’t like the thought of Eva dating any more than she’d choose Lindy for me. “Come here.” I lifted my arm. She came over and hugged me. I hugged her too. “Being with Lindy is good for me. Whatever happens, I know I’ll have given it a shot. And you…well, you look out for yourself and make sure this boy adores you like you deserve.”

  She laughed, slapping a palm against my abs to push me off.

  I looked at Mom. “Trust me? And be nice to Lindy.” I turned my gaze on Eva, saying the same thing.

  “Of course, I will be nice.” Mom answered. “Miriam is sick. But I just want you to be happy.”

  “I will be.”

  Mom came over for a hug. I set her away quickly. “I need to go, I’ll see you later.” I picked up my backpack.

  “Would you tell Miriam we’ll pray for her…”

  “I think it’s too late for prayers, Mom.”

  “It’s never too late.”

  I smiled.

  “Give my good wishes to Lindy too,” Eva said.

  I lifted an eyebrow at her. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, her Mom’s sick, even if she is a bitch to you.”

  I smiled at them, then turned away. They had to get behind me on this.

  In the SUV, my backpack on the back seat, I texted Lind. ‘Just leaving. Text me the zip code.’

  ‘Cool
. Here it is. :D I’ll see you soon’

  ‘See you soon.’ My thumb itched to type “I love you”, but I figured it was best not to overdo the use of those words when she didn’t feel the same.

  Billy

  When I walked toward the reception, Lindy came out of the doors and as soon as she reached me she lifted to her toes and wrapped her arms about my neck.

  She smelt good and she felt good. But I’d seen her hugging Jason like this too many times––it was too weird.

  I had to make it different.

  I squeezed her tight and picked her up. Her arms grasped me tighter as her face pressed into my neck.

  “I love you, Lind.” The words couldn’t stay in me anymore.

  When I put her down, she smiled.

  Her hands gripped my head, then she lifted to her toes again and kissed me. Just a quick press on my lips.

  My heart did that flip thing again.

  She gripped my hand and turned, pulling me toward the hospital. “I’ll take you up to see Mom. She’s actually looking forward to a new face.”

  Mrs. Martin didn’t look as bad as I expected, propped up on pillows, she had her makeup on. She smiled. But she looked tired, too thin, and she had a drip going into her arm.

  “My Mom said to say she wishes you well… and you, Lind.” I looked over at her. She was busy painting her mom’s nails, she smiled at me. “Eva said it too.”

  “That’s sweet of her.” She had no idea of the animosity my family felt toward her.

  “Yes, that’s very kind,” Mrs. Martin added.

  Lindy looked at her. “Why don’t you let people visit you, Mom, now you aren’t in so much pain, it might be easier––?”

  “I think that may be nice.”

  Lindy smiled, warming to this theme. “What if Billy’s and Jason’s moms organized a rota so people came for half an hour each day, then you would have some different conversation, but if you get tired you wouldn’t have to keep up appearances for long.”

  Lindy looked at me. “Your Mom would do that, right?”

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  She looked back at her mom. “That’s the way to go, Mom.”

  Mrs. Martin smiled a little – it was tight. It was the first time I’d got a hint of how much pain and discomfort she must be in. “That would be a pleasant relief,” she said looking at me before sighing out a careful, shallow breath. She was tired now. She wanted me to go, I could tell.

  “I’ll talk to her.”

  Lindy blew on her Mom’s freshly painted nails, then laid her mom’s hand on the covers. “We’ll go and let you rest before your dinner gets here, so you’ll be able to eat.” She’d noticed her mom was getting tired too. “Dad is coming again this evening. I’ll come back tomorrow.”

  Her Mom’s eyes shut, but a smile played at the edges of her lips. She whispered. “Please tell him if I’m asleep, to come sit next to me and hold my hand. I’ll know he’s there.”

  “Of course.” Lindy smiled. “I’ll refill your water before we go in case you want a drink.”

  She picked up the jug and disappeared, leaving me alone with Mrs. Martin. I stood up, to follow Lindy, but I’d been sitting on the other side of the bed to Lindy and before I could move Mrs. Martin caught hold of my hand. “Billy…” It had hurt her to say my name and reach for me.

  I looked down and met her gaze, sympathy cutting into my soul. “Yes, Mrs. Martin.”

  “Do call me Miriam, Mrs. Martin sounds so formal and cold.” She tried for a smile, but it didn’t really work, it was too twisted by pain. “I want you to know Lindy’s been going through a hard time––”

  “I know Mrs… Miriam. But––”

  “You think a lot of her, I can see that. I don’t expect you to take responsibility for her, but just be gentle with her… look out for her for me, when I’m gone, and give her time. She was heartbroken when Jason went to New York, and when I go….” A tear rolled down her cheek.

  Gripping her hand in both of mine, I sat back down. “I’ll make sure she’s okay…” But I didn’t think it was just Jason Lindy had been heartbroken over… “Don’t worry about Lindy. Even if she doesn’t want me around I’m gonna be around for her.”

  The door to the room opened. I let Miriam’s hand go and straightened up. Lindy caught my movement as she came in with the full water jug, and her eyebrows lifted, as if to say––what? I just smiled.

  Lindy

  When we got back to mine, as I got out of the SUV, Billy grabbed his backpack from the backseat.

  Something flipped in my belly when I saw him walk around the SUV with his backpack over his shoulder––in a good way. We had roots threading out into the ground.

  New memories to replace those of Jason.

  I walked ahead of him. When we got into the hall, I said, “Why don’t you dump your stuff in my room.”

  He smiled at me. “Okay. Who’s cooking dinner?”

  “Me. You’re the guest.”

  “Guest? Is that what I am?” His eyebrows lifted.

  I smiled at him. “And my boyfriend! You are that most now.”

  “Good. I just wanted to check nothing’s changed since yesterday.”

  He dropped his backpack and grinned at me.

  “Nothing’s changed, Billy.” I put my arms up around his neck as I said it, and his head lowered, then we kissed.

  It felt like I hadn’t kissed him for weeks, I’d been so used to Jason’s kisses that those came to mind more than Billy’s version. It was nothing like Jason’s––full-on. Because he really loved me? Maybe that had always been the difference. Jason had held back on me because he never had.

  We kissed for ages, with a mutual need to keep cherishing each other. I could sense how much he felt for me––it had been there back at the beach too and my body had known it.

  He broke the kiss, and rested his forehead against mine. “Do you wanna eat now? It must be exhausting trying to keep upbeat around your mom?”

  I pressed one last kiss on his lips, than turned away, slipping from his hold. “It is. What do you want?”

  “What do you wanna cook?”

  “Pasta is the easiest thing. I can whizz up a tomato sauce.”

  “Pasta with tomato sauce it is then…”

  He followed me into the Kitchen, leaving his backpack on the floor and leaned on the counter, talking to me while I got everything out and started cooking. He was so easy to have around. I mean Jason had been nice and I’d always thought of him as my friend too… But Billy made me laugh twice, and his smile glowed in his eyes when I looked at him. He was glad to be with me.

  We sat at the table to eat, still talking.

  I’d sat with him and eaten dinner a ton of times in the past. We’d lived in the same apartment after all, but again, it was different, because now I knew behind that easy swagger, the quick smiles and jokes that were said with a sparkle in his eyes, was love.

  We carried our empty bowls to the kitchen. “Dad is gonna be out for hours. Did you want to go to bed?”

  “Now there’s a blunt offer.”

  I left my bowl in the sink and turned. “How would you have had me offer?” I wanted to be worth all that love.

  He leaned around me to put his bowl in the sink too, his free hand touching my waist, then straightened up, looking me in the eyes. “Well, you could have just come up and kissed me…”

  He kissed me.

  My belly and my knees wobbled like Jell-O.

  When he broke the kiss, his lips moved to my ear to whisper in a deep pitch. “Will you come to bed with me?” He took a breath, then said in a lighter tone. “That is how you do it.”

  I laughed, my arms slipping around his neck as I lifted to my toes, then I whispered in his ear. “Yes.”

  It didn’t matter that Mom was sick, excitement and expectation still roared through my senses. This was escape, but not only that––there was a whole ball of emotion being blown around on a hurricane in my chest.

  H
e lifted me off my feet and threw me over one massive shoulder. “Ahhh, Billy! This is not romantic.”

  “You won’t be thinking about romantic in a moment.”

  I smacked his ass, then squeezed one perfect pert butt cheek, laughing as he walked along the hall to my room. “You’re nuts.”

  “Nuts in love…” he said, tumbling me down on the bed. I bounced on the mattress as he straightened to strip off his tee.

  “I love your chest.”

  “I love you!”

  I laughed as he leaned down.

  “Come on, let’s get these off.” His fingers undid the button on my jeans. I lifted up, letting him strip them and my panties off, smiling at him.

  “Take your top off,” he said, his fingers unbuttoning his jeans, while he toed off his sneakers.

  I stripped off my top, then undid my bra as he peeled everything off below the waist in one move. “Sexy.” I breathed.

  My bra came off, as one of his knees hit the bed. “Nope, you are the sexy one, get over here.”

  I tumbled back on to the bed, laughing as he pulled my knee to drag me down. But how could I laugh when Mom was so ill? Guilt slashed its knife at my face.

  “Lind?” He saw the change, leaning over me and stroking my hair away from my face. “Okay?”

  “Yeah, it’s just… Mom… I feel like I shouldn’t be happy, but… you make me feel happy.”

  “She wants you to feel happy, at least some of the time, you know she does. There is nothing wrong with you being able to keep living and enjoying life. That’s what your Mom wants. She told me. When you went out the room, she said, you’ll get down, but she asked me to help you get over it––”

  “I’ll never get over it…”

  “Okay, that was the wrong words. I mean you’ll learn to live with it, and she urged me to help you work out the path to that point.”

  My fingers stroked through his hair. “Will you?”

  “Of course I will, my heart’s stuck by you all these years, Lind. Do you really think it’s gonna desert you now?”

  “No…” I believed him.

  “Do you still want to have sex or are you not in the mood now?”

  “I’m still in the mood.” I pulled his mouth down to mine.