“Dane…he didn’t break me. You can’t break a girl who’s already broken,” I whisper.
He stares at me while working his jaw and squeezes my hand. I don’t want this to become about me, so I speak quickly.
“Tell me about her,” I command in as soft a voice as possible.
Dane closes his eyes and swallows a couple of times and I want to wrap him in a hug, but sensing he needs to compose himself to continue, I give him a minute.
“I was a foster kid,” he starts, his eyes still closed. “And so was she…Elizabeth.” His eyes open and then glaze over while he stares straight ahead. He relays the story to me almost in a trance.
“When I was fourteen, I was moved into my seventh new foster home. It was a shithole. I mean to the outside world it wasn’t. Outwardly it was run by a loving couple who were a middle-income family in a middle-class neighbourhood and who had been fostering for years. For me…from the inside, it wasn’t great. The dad, Kurtis, was a lazy shit. He didn’t work, instead relying on the income he made from fostering and from his wife, Shelly, who worked as a cleaner.”
He stops and shakes his head, still not looking at me.
“Only she wasn’t a cleaner, she was a prostitute.”
I still and wonder what he’s going to say next.
“She was out most of the time, so Kurtis looked after us.” He clenches his fists, his knuckles turning white. “I use that term loosely, it was more like he put us to work. There were three of us at that point. All boys. Mikey was younger than me by a year, and Ryan was a year older. We cleaned, and cooked. They also took in work that they could do at home. Like making hundreds of boxes. Only they didn’t do the work, we did. If we made a mistake, we got a slap, or a punch…sometimes a kick.”
I gasp and slam my hand over my mouth. Dane glances at me and smiles, but it looks more like a grimace.
“It was always in places that would never be noticed, like the ribs. He wasn’t stupid, he’d obviously been doing this for years. We could go to school and do work at home. That was pretty much my life for six months. Then, Mikey, the younger boy was adopted by his aunt. Apparently, she had been trying to get him for years. I don’t know what the issue was, I was only a kid so I didn’t pay attention. But that meant they had a gap for someone else. They had always preferred boys because they were stronger, you know, to do any work they needed to be done…at least that’s what I thought.” He stops and grinds his teeth.
“What is it?” I whisper, almost not wanting to know.
“I think the choice to have only boys came from Shelly. I don’t know what happened, but they took in a girl this time.” He furrows his brow and clicks his neck from side to side.
“Elizabeth arrived.” He shakes his head, but he’s smiling now, really smiling and his eyes sparkle.
“She blew into my life and took over. She captured me from the first moment I saw her, scrawny and messy, big blue eyes, and brown hair sticking out in every direction. I think I loved her the very moment I met her. She was so bubbly and happy and a few days shy of her fourteenth birthday and I had just turned fifteen. I’d shot up and filled out nicely and had been going to an after school club at the gym which helped. Of course, because it was a school club, Kurtis couldn’t stop me. He punished me at home though with more chores and abuse, but it was worth it for that hour long release I got three times a week. I felt all my aggression and sorrow flow out of me while I was working out. Soon, I managed to find ways to do it at home. Sit ups in my room and runs early in the morning before anyone was awake, so they didn’t realise I was missing. I remember doing chin ups on the bunk beds that Ryan and I were made to sleep in. They were too short for me, but I bent my legs at the knees and made it work. Every chin up made the bed creak like fuck and I was sure it was going to collapse.”
He smiles again. “I couldn’t stop. The best part was when another kid got a load of new equipment for Christmas one year, he gave me all his old weights. I had to sneak them in, but being able to train at the house made me feel free somehow.”
His eyes change from the sparkle he had in them a moment ago to hard and flinty, almost savage.
“As it turned out it proved a good job that I was at home more. One night while lying in my bed with Ryan snoring on the bottom bunk beneath me and Shelly out whoring herself, no doubt, I heard a noise. A kind of muffled screech, but it was so quiet. I’m surprised I didn’t miss it and I would have if it weren’t for the fact that sleeping was eluding me that night. I had no idea what was happening, just that it was Elizabeth. I don’t know how I knew, I just did. Jumping off my top bunk I ran to her room. Fuck knows how nobody heard me coming, I made enough noise. I couldn’t believe it when I flung the door open and saw Kurtis holding her face down on the bed while speaking into her ear. I pounced on him, grabbing him by his throat with my arm and wrenching him backward off her throwing him toward the wall. He spun around and punched me in the ribs. I straightened up and laughed. It was the first time I ever saw fear in his eyes. And I’ll tell you now, Soph, it was a fucking beautiful sight.”
He stops talking for a moment and looks to me. “I sound like an animal,” he says coldly.
“No, you fucking don’t. You sound like a hero,” I state firmly and grab his hand and squeeze.
“I don’t know what he had planned for her that night. I don’t want to think about it. What I do know is that I beat the shit out of him. Ryan came in and pulled me off him, I’m not sure if I would have stopped if he hadn’t have intervened.” His eyes flicker with something I can’t read.
“I didn’t even call an ambulance. I didn’t care if he lived or died. It was like my brain switched off.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s normal in extreme circumstances. Don’t beat yourself up about it. He deserved everything he got as far as I can see.”
He squeezes my hand. “I’ve never beat myself up about it,” he says in an almost feral way and I wonder what all the sides of Dane really are.
“So what happened to Elizabeth?”
“She withdrew from everything. It was like watching the most beautiful flower shrivel and die.”
“Oh my God!” I interrupt him. “She didn’t…” I don’t want to ask the question on the tip of my tongue.
Dane must sense what I was going to ask as he replies, “No! God no! Well, actually I don’t know. She was alive the last time I saw her…” he stops talking and a frown crosses his face.
He obviously hadn’t thought about the possibility that Elizabeth might be dead.
Well done, Soph. You complete twat face! Make him feel worse! Gah!
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that she might be dead. I’m sure she’s great. Somewhere nice and shiny, and fun, with happy people and unicorns?”
What the fuck am I going on about?
Dane chuckles. “Fuck, Tink, you do make me laugh. Even when I feel like shit.”
Phew…good save, Soph!
He composes himself and shakes his head, his face changing as his eyes narrow and his lips thin. “She just wasn’t vibrant and bubbly anymore and hardly spoke to anyone apart from me. I spent as much time with her as possible. I told Shelly to keep Kurtis away from her, to ease up on the work and to stop hitting the kids in his care. Making sure that she understood if he didn’t stop, next time I would kill him. She didn’t seem too bothered about that. Informing her that I would also make sure everyone knew about her night time habits shut the bitch up pretty quick. Things got easier after that. We still had chores and Kurtis still sat around like a lazy fuck, but there were no more beatings and Elizabeth was left alone. We became closer to the point where I considered her my girlfriend and she spent most nights in my bed. We weren’t doing anything sexual, but I think she felt safer in my arms. I loved her and I would’ve given her the world if I could have.
“We used to spend almost every minute together. I always remember calling her Nova. I thought it was pretty, but also I always thought of her as a supernova
. I remember learning about them at school the day before she arrived.”
He stops and smiles. “They said supernova are an explosion that briefly outshines the entire galaxy. It radiates as much as the sun would over its entire lifespan. That’s how bright it is. Then it can just disappear, take its light away for weeks or months until it triggers again. I don’t think I realised how apt that nickname was until just now. She was amazing,” he stops speaking.
I can feel my heart beating in my chest for him as well as the pain pouring off him. Like the sudden change in emotion has come from somewhere else and taken him over.
“When I started nearing my seventeenth birthday, I was at college and spotted by a scout for a modelling agency. They asked me to go to their studios in central London and have some photos taken. From that point on it was a whirlwind. I got signed and work started flooding in. I wanted to leave that house but didn’t have enough money to support me and Elizabeth. I needed to wait until she was sixteen, so she could leave. Kurtis didn’t care that I was still there, he just demanded money from me directly now. I hated that fucker but paid him so I could be with her.” He stops talking and flexes his fingers balling his hands into fists, then releasing them just to ball them up again.
“What?” I ask. “What is it?”
“I…” he stops again.
“Go on, it’s okay. Tell me. Just let it go,” I whisper.
“A month before she turned sixteen, I got offered a contract. It was for a shoot in America. This was a huge deal because it was almost unheard of back then, and it was enough money to set us up somewhere. I accepted immediately. I didn’t even talk to her first.”
He looks up at the ceiling and closes his eyes briefly. “That’s when I saw that look, the day I told her I was leaving for three weeks. She knew I was leaving her at the mercy of that fucker, Kurtis. I told Ryan to watch her. He had moved out already, but I knew he would come round every day to make sure she was okay. There was a new boy there, he was fifteen. Good kid. I told him to call Ryan if he thought Elizabeth was in trouble and he promised he would. Still…I left her to the wolves. I know she thought that too because no matter what happens in my life, I’ll never get the look on her face out of my head. Never.”
He takes a few breaths and bites his lip then carries on.
“I went on my shoot. When I came back, she was gone. Nobody knew where she’d gone or why she left. I searched for her but never found her. She stole my heart, then she ran away with it. After all these years, it still resides with her. I never got the chance to claim her, as I would have done after I grew some pubic hairs and realised what it was to claim a woman you love. But she sure as shit claimed me, without even trying.”
I can feel the hurt just by listening to his voice. It surrounds us and he lives with that every day. I throw myself at him and just hold on, trying to absorb his pain.
“It could never be anyone else…could it?” I whisper the question, but it’s not really a question as I already know the answer.
He shakes his head. “No, if I'm honest with myself, I don’t think so. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to play you Tink. I hope you know that’s not me?” he asks softly while pulling me back so he can look into my eyes.
“No, of course not. I think we’re both trying to look for something that doesn’t exist without them being a part of it,” I say sadly.
He cups my face and strokes my cheek. “Saul will come around, he has to. If he doesn’t, then he’s letting the best thing that will ever happen to him slip through his fingers. He will never be full, complete. He will always be missing something. You.”
“Thanks, Dane, you really are a good friend.”
We sit in silence for long moments, both in our own world of thought, huddled together, holding onto one another like the other is our saviour. Slowly we pull apart and relax back into the sofa.
Dane is the first to speak. “So Soph, I was thinking. Now we have this cleared up…as painful as that crap was…” He grins, but it’s shadowed by sadness. “You have been complaining about your living situation. If you want, I have room?”
I widen my eyes and stare at him. “Are you asking me to move in Mr. Matthews?” I say fluttering my eyelashes in an over exaggerated way. He chuckles and this time it’s not forced or fake and I’m glad we’ve moved the conversation on.
“If you want to? There are five bedrooms in this house. I have one, you can pick from any of the other four.”
I gaze around the conservatory and into the beautiful garden. Even though it’s only the beginning of April, the space outside is starting to come alive.
“I won’t do gardening,” I blurt out and Dane’s lips twitch.
“Didn’t think you would, Tink, besides I have a gardener who does that shit.”
“Wow!” I breathe out. “You really are like a big shot, huh! I should have snapped you up. I could’ve lived in the lap of luxury.” I say sticking my tongue out at him.
“That’s why I was actually interested in seeing where things went with you because you’re not that person. Don’t you ever get bored being surrounded by that shit?” he asks and I think back to my last photo shoot and feeling that exact same way.
“Yeah…maybe it’s time for a change. When can I move in?” I ask with a wink.
I feel the burn chasing its course through my arm as I stretch it, then the jolt as it connects with the punching bag. I love my gym, love Murphy’s gym more, but setting up my gym at home was good because I like the quiet lately. I have three bedrooms, so I adapted one into a gym. It’s been hard…training, but not being up to scratch. Everyone thinks I’m fine now. Well, everyone except Pea, who still fusses over me.
The truth? The truth is I’m far from fucking fine. My body aches almost daily and I have to force myself to use the gym, knowing I need to so my body can loosen up. I probably shouldn’t be pushing this hard when I’m here, but I need to focus on something, anything that keeps my mind clear instead of overthinking all the time.
It doesn’t matter what I do though because all my fucking brain does, is overthink. Mainly about Soph…actually it’s mainly about Soph and Dane if I’m really honest. I’ve pushed her away for years, knowing she deserves better than me. I sure as shit don’t want to end up like every other parental unit I’ve seen growing up. I don’t want that for Soph. At least, if we remain friends, I can always have her back. And kick the shit out of the fuckers that hurt her. I’ve had a few run-in’s over the years. Only Con knows that though.
Lately, I’ve realised that one day she’s going to move on and settle down.
My latest thought? What if it’s with my new-fucking-brother?
Shaking my head and arms out while rolling my shoulders, I aim for the bag again punching with all my frustration. But it’s not enough. My body won’t give me enough right now. I’m getting a little better every day. But while my body is moving toward the light, my heart is being encompassed by the dark.
The question I can’t seem to answer though is, ‘What the fuck am I supposed to do now?’
I rock back and forth on the balls of my feet, standing in a queue has never been as boring as it is today. It’s because I’m ready to get home, I’m desperate to get home. I want to talk to Pea and then start packing my stuff. It’s not that I want to get away from her. It’s more that I’m beginning to feel suffocated there. Pea and Con have their whole ‘family’ thing going on and I want them to enjoy it, not be sitting there like a third wheel. And truthfully, when it gets to the point that you feel the need to hide yourself in your room at night, and you’re transported back to a time when you were expected to keep out of the way, then yeah, it’s time to move on.
They’re not aware that’s how I feel. They probably just think I'm unsociable. Ever since the attack they think that I’m scared of going out. Maybe they’re right. I have been scared, but not for the reasons they think. It’s because it was him. It’s because I froze, because he’s going to come back…and there�
��s nothing I can do about it.
"I'm moving in with Dane!" I hear from the other room and my body stills. It won't seem to unlock and I can feel my muscles pulsing.
"Hey bro," Con say softly from behind me, and he places his hand on my shoulder. "You okay?" he continues.
I say nothing, just nod my head once sharply.
"They're not bumping uglies, you know," he states, but that just makes my fists clench.
"Gotta go," I grind out, spinning around on my heel and getting the fuck out of there. I walk to the other side of town, glad that I didn't drive today needing the fresh air. I stop when realising I'm outside Murphy's gym. I've been trying to build my physical abilities back up so I can come back here. It's like this place is a big fucking target that I'm aiming for. But I'm not there yet. My strength is nearly back, but it's going to be a few more weeks until I can keep up in this place. Shaking my head, I turn around to walk home when I spot the pub opposite – The White Feather. I haven’t been in there for years. Today I feel like stepping back in time and getting shitfaced all at once.
I think I’ve been in this place for about an hour. It’s all a bit hazy. I’ve had about four beers and a couple of whiskeys, still needing more to stop thinking shit over. She’s my person. But for the fucking life of me I can’t get past the fact that I need to be her friend. I can’t risk her not being in my life at all because I do something to fuck it up…which I will.
Pondering my thoughts, something sparks my memory on the small shitty television in the corner just above my head. The music channel is on and I see the start of a music video. The words are slightly blurred and I’m not sure if it’s from the television or my eyes. I can just make out the words En Vogue – ‘Giving Him Something He Can Feel.’ Snorting at the title, I turn my head. I’ve never known the song title before now, but I do know the song, and the video remembering it from school. It’s etched in my mind.
Love Resisted (Entwined Hearts #2) Page 6
