I decide to make some breakfast. I’m very aware my cooking skills leave a lot to be desired. However, I can cook, much to Pea’s disagreement. It’s just that my idea of cooking is to do the same foods over and over, so I know I won’t ruin them. It’s only when I get a wild idea to try something new that it all goes to shit.
Today, I’ll make an omelette.
I hope Dane likes them. Oh well, at least I’m making an effort.
Opening his fridge and finding eggs – well that’s a good start, at least he likes eggs!
It always amazes me that I can make a perfect omelette, but can’t for the life of me make pancakes. It’s like the little fuckers know I’m craving them so they just repeatedly crash and burn. I set one on fire once. Yeah, I’m that kind of cook.
Managing to find everything needed I start mixing the omelette. I add ham and peppers as they’re in the fridge, sprinkle some salt and pepper and pop the mixture in the heated pan. I just finish serving the second one onto a plate when Dane walks in still using a small towel to dry his hair. He has dark jeans on with a fitted grey top and bare feet.
“You made breakfast?” he asks wide-eyed.
“I’ll have you know, Dane Matthews, that there are some meals I can make!” I state with a nod.
“Weren’t you the one who set fire to a pancake?” he asks.
Looking at the floor I smirk. “Maybe.”
He chuckles.
“In my defence though, I’m pretty sure pancakes are out to get me.”
I look back up to him and he’s wearing a shit-eating grin.
Yeah, he’s going to make someone very happy one day.
“Anyway, tuck in,” I say and he sits at the table and picks up a fork, cutting away a piece of the omelette. He looks at me and tentatively pops it in his mouth with a fake smile. He then proceeds to chew with caution. He looks back at his plate then up to me.
“Fuck, that’s good, Tink!”
“Don’t be too surprised! I told you I can make some foods!”
His lips twitch and then nods to my plate. “Stop being grumpy and eat your food before it goes cold.”
I want to be put out, but hell, he’s right. Mostly, and I’m hungry. Begrudgingly, I eat my omelette and secretly enjoy it while pouting because that’s my prerogative and I’m going to push it to the full extent. I smile at my own thoughts.
“I could never work you out,” Dane says all of a sudden.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“When you smile, it’s like you have a secret, like you’re hiding something from the world.”
My face drops when I realise he’s right. I have to talk to him, get my feelings out in the open.
“Hey, I was only playing about,” he says with concern.
I wave off his worries. “Oh yeah, I know, it’s not that Dane. It’s just that…well, I need to talk to you, and I’m not sure it’s going to be the most comfortable conversation.”
He nods his head and puts his fork down. Thankfully he has just finished his breakfast.
“Shoot,” he says, but his body is stiff.
I look down at my empty plate. “I noticed you got me some toiletries this morning.”
“Yeah,” he says pulling his eyebrows in. “Was that a problem?”
“No!...I mean, of course, it wasn’t. It’s just…”
“Come on Tink, spit it out. You’re not usually backward in coming forward,” Dane says with a grin, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. I can see he’s worried by what I’m about to say. Deciding to grab my lady balls and give them a squeeze – metaphorically speaking – to remind myself that I am brave, I am fierce, and that I’m not a player. I think a lot of Dane and he deserves to know that nothing is ever going to happen between us. He’s a good guy and I wouldn’t want to lead him on.
“Dane, I’m never going to love you…well, apart from as a friend, but that’s where it ends.”
Neither of us speaks and I’m about to babble on about anything to fill the silence, but then Dane says with a chuckle.
“Wow, shot down, twice in the space of a few months, in almost exactly the same way! At least you’re forming your sentences correctly.”
“Huh?” I question.
He shakes his head. “Nothing, just something that happened with Pea.”
I stare at him for a minute. “Does this need to be a moment where I look at you differently and say, ewww?” I ask, secretly crossing my fingers that I’m not about to be told something I can’t un-hear.
Dane laughs. Well, that’s positive. “No Tink, it’s nothing nasty, and I’m sure your mind has thought of something truly disgusting.”
“Moi?” I hold my hands to my chest.
He just cocks his eyebrow at me and smirks.
“Fucker!” I say, and he full-on laughs at me now.
“You look like a five-year-old with your arms crossed and that frown on your face, Tink. It’s pretty funny.”
“Just answer the damn question, tosspot,” I reply desperately trying not to grin at him.
He looks at the floor and bites his lip, seemingly attempting to figure something out. He must decide because the next moment he looks at me.
“She told me she could never love me as anything more than a friend because she was in love with Con. Obviously, she didn’t realise at the time that what I actually wanted to tell her was that I’m her brother. Still, it’s like history repeating itself because now you’re telling me you could never love me as more than a friend…because you’re in love with Saul.” He smiles sadly at me.
“Wait…I never said…I mean.”
He cut’s off my rambling. “You didn’t have to, it’s clear for all to see, you love him.”
I feel myself frown, immediately schooling my features. “It doesn’t matter what I do or don’t feel Dane, that isn’t what this conversation is about,” I mutter stiffly.
“Whoa, hold up,” he says while holding his palms up, then continues, “I wasn’t trying to upset you.”
I shake my head. “No, you’re right. You weren’t trying to upset me, it’s my own fucked up issues. Sorry.”
“Hey,” he says and grabs my hand. “I was your friend first and always. So we had a thing, that’s all it was and I like where we are now. I like this,” he says pointing between the two of us. “Besides, I need genuine friends, and if Saul and I are ever going to be more than casual acquaintances, stealing his girl probably isn’t the way to achieve that.” He winks at me.
“You’re wrong about that,” I tell him quietly.
“Which part? The part where you’re his girl? I think we both know that although physically you aren’t in his bed, in your heart you have always been his girl. Or is it the part about him being pissed if I pushed to try and get together with you?”
I jerk my head up to look at him.
“So that’s it, Tink?” he pauses and stares at me for a second then continues, “Listen to me. That boy is yours. Of that, I don’t have a doubt in my mind.”
I don’t say anything. It’s nice that he thinks that, but he doesn’t know. He hasn’t been there over the years when I’ve had knockback after knockback from him.
“Hey,” I puffed, out of breath from running. “Has Miss Lune got you running around the whole field again?” Saul asked.
“Yeah.” I nodded. “Where have you come from?” I looked around but saw that he was on his own.
“I just came down here for a run myself, didn’t realise that the girls were playing hockey. Well, all of them, except you.” He smirked at me.
“Yeah, she’s a right bitch. I just think she needs to get laid. Then again, I’m pretty sure that ship has probably sailed,” I said looking across the pitch at the teacher. Saul laughed and I continued, “I bet she has cobwebs between her legs.” I’d barely gotten my sentence out when Jason Marden ran by and slapped my arse. “Oi!” I shouted and then Saul whipped out, “Fucker!” Before chasing after him.
They ran across the pitch and
Saul grabbed him, spinning him around and placing him into a headlock before Miss Lune started flapping and marched over to pull them apart. She turned to me and shouted something that I couldn’t quite decipher. I figured she either wanted me to go over to her or carry on running, and as I was actively trying to avoid the old bat I ran. While running I thought about Saul’s reaction. He must have felt something for me to react that way? At least that’s what it seemed like. So, I decided it was time to talk to him. To lay my heart out.
Later that day we were walking home. Con and Pea liked each other, although neither of them had said anything. It was evident to the rest of us, but they seemed determined not to do anything about it. Not me though. I was being brave. I needed to be brave. It’s all I had. Through everything…I was always brave.
“Saul,” I said grabbing his bag as he walked a few steps in front of me. He paused momentarily and then continued walking with me.
“What’s up?” he said. I looked in front of me at Con and Pea, as they walked together chatting and smiling, they were oblivious to Saul and me. “Do you like Stacy or Ellie?” I asked him and he narrowed his eyes at me.
“Why?” he asked stiffly.
I didn’t know why. My brain couldn’t think of one reason why I’d asked such a stupid question. “I was just wondering if you wanted one of them as your girlfriend,” I said this out loud while inwardly groaning. I didn’t know why I was behaving like this. I wanted to punch myself in the face.
Saul pursed his lips. “I don’t want a girlfriend, Soph. You know that. Is there a reason you’re asking me these questions?” he answered, but his tone was clipped.
Be brave.
“I like you.”
“I like you too, Soph.”
“Saul, stop!” I said and stopped walking.
Saul took another step and realised I wasn’t next to him. He spun around and stared at me. I stepped right up to him, we were now firmly in each other’s personal space.
“I like you,” I whispered. His eyes widened and he clenched his teeth. “Saul?” I was worried now.
“Can’t do this, Soph. Sorry,” he told me taking a step backward. Still staring at me for a second he then spun around and walked off.
I didn’t move for a minute, unsure of what had happened and how I’d managed to get things so wrong.
I was jerked out of my trance when I heard Con shout, “Saul, bro, where are you going?”
And Saul replied, “Later Con.” He flicked his wrist while walking away. All, without as much as a backward glance. Saul texted me later while I sat in my bedroom trying to be quiet and invisible because my mother had company.
Saul: Sorry about today.
I didn’t reply and a few minutes later he texted me again.
Saul: I’ll always be your friend Soph. That’s all I can offer.
That was just one of the times I’d been brushed off by Saul. There have been many. Because I was a glutton for punishment.
I look over at Dane wishing I could love someone other than Saul. My life would be so much easier if I could get over him. But it’s been over ten years and I still love him. The closest I’ve ever come to getting past it was with Dane. I don’t know if I would have fallen in love with Dane if we’d been together in a more formal way. What I do know is that there is no chance of that happening now. That ship has sailed and, to be honest, I like how things are between the two of us now. Dane is a friend and knowing he’s both Pea and Saul’s brother, I think friends is the safe option.
“What are you thinking, Tink?” he asks.
“Just that you’re right.” I sigh resting my elbows on the table and propping my head in my hands. “I love him, I always have. You’re wrong about one thing though. He doesn’t love me. He never has.”
He opens his mouth to say something, but I stop him by continuing, “Look Dane, I’m willing to accept that there may be a small chance that he does like me. But it doesn’t matter because if that’s true, then it just means he’s determined to do everything in his power to avoid and bury those feelings. Either way it’s never going to happen.”
“Then he’s a fucking idiot,” Dane states.
A few hours later and I feel more relaxed. I’m laying across the sofa in the family room and Dane has the television on. We’ve been watching films, but in truth I’ve just been thinking about things, the television being more like white noise in the background.
“Dane.”
“Yeah?”
“I was just wondering, how you knew about my feelings?”
He sits up and rubs his chin. “I didn’t…well, what I mean is, I’ve always suspected that you had strong feelings for Saul. I never really understood why you two hadn’t got together. But with the way our relationship has been over the years, and never really knowing those guys, it never seemed appropriate to ask.”
I nod at him and he continues, “When I came into this group, I could see how much stronger your feelings for Saul actually are, just by watching you two interact. You may choose not to believe me, but I’m a guy and even though I don’t know Saul very well, he does have some of my DNA running through him. So trust me when I say, he has feelings for you too. I can’t know how strong they are or what is holding him back, but something is definitely stopping him from claiming you.”
“Claiming me?” I say raising my eyebrows at him.
“Calm down, bra burner!” he chuckles. “Don’t get your panties in a twist.” He smirks at me then his face turns serious. “But Soph, just to say, you have to know that you want a man like Saul? Then you have to be prepared to be claimed.”
“So, is that what you will do?” I ask.
“What do you mean?” he replies.
“You know, when you find the one,” I explain making air quotes.
He stands up and rubs the back of his neck. “I already found her Soph…just never claimed her.”
“What? Why not?” Now I’m confused.
“Because I was a stupid young punk shit, who thought he was doing the right thing, but ended up losing what was important.”
“You’re not making sense.” I sit up straighter now. Dane doesn’t talk about his past. Ever. This is important.
“You know how they say you don’t realise what you’ve got till it’s gone?”
I nod.
“Yeah, well, I get that statement through to my bones,” he whispers.
“What happened to her?” I whisper back.
He shakes his head. “I don’t know,” then he gets up and walks out of the room. I follow him. He needs to release this. I know because I keep things inside and it terrifies me that one day my issues may swallow me whole. I don’t want that for him.
He walks into the lounge. My legs take me into the dark room after him. All the curtains are closed and without the lights on, it’s like a different room from when I’ve been in there before. My eyes adjust as they focus on Dane. He's standing in the corner with his back to me. He hangs his head and is leaning forward supporting himself on the window ledge. He holds a photo frame in one hand. I can’t make out who’s in it, but I can guess it’s her. Whoever she is.
"I left her…I just walked away. I knew she needed me. I left her anyway." He doesn't say anything more and neither do I. For a minute, we both just stand there in the quiet room, our breathing the only thing creating atmosphere.
"What happened?" I finally ask.
He sighs and places the frame face down on the window ledge. "I was a selfish arsehole. That's what happened."
"Dane," I say letting it hang in the air. Making my way over to him I place my hand on his shoulder. He flinches at the touch.
"Come…come and sit with me. Let's talk."
He doesn't reply, but he does turn around and walk toward the door. Following him silently, I hope he will tell me his secrets, and let some of the pain out. Believing that maybe I can help my friend somehow.
He leads us through the house to a beautiful conservatory. My eyes widen as I l
ook around the space, all light, comfort and warmth. I’ve had a few surprises with his house, thinking it would be modern, edgy, and maybe even cold. I guess basically, I just expected it to be a bachelor pad.
Instead, everything I’ve seen so far has been soft, warm and beautiful. It’s a home.
"Surprised?" he asks while sinking into the cream corner sofa and patting the spot next to him.
I sit down replying, "Why do you say that?"
"Your face, you look shocked."
"Oh," I reply slightly embarrassed. "It's just that I expected it to be a bachelor pad, but this…" My words dry in my throat.
"Yeah, it’s nice, huh?" His lips tip up just a touch at the ends and I nod.
"I wanted to create a space that was comforting so that women wouldn't want to run out of here screaming." He now smirks at me. "Somewhere that was inviting and homely, not that I bring any women here…not really." Gazing out of the window he murmurs, "I’ve just never had a home before."
My heart breaks for him, and in that second I see a vulnerable child. Someone who just wants to be loved and cared for. Just like all the other kids.
“What happened to her?” I ask before the mood changes and Dane decides not to share.
“Last night, when you were up on that stage strutting your stuff…” he pauses as I roll my eyes at him. “When you spotted Saul and watched him leave with that women,” he stops as my breath catches in my throat remembering last night. He grabs my hand. “Your face said everything. It told me you were shocked to see that he was still there. It told me you were still in love with him…and it told me that when he walked out with her, it broke you. That face, the one you had last night? That was the last look I saw from Elizabeth. I broke her.” He drops my hand, but I don’t let him lose the connection instead grabbing his hand in mine.
Love Resisted (Entwined Hearts #2) Page 5
