The Wizard of Ooze

by David Farland

  And there was the Wizard of Ooze, towering above her. The worm had no mouth, not any longer. But she could feel his power, vast and menacing, ready to crush her.

  The great worm whirled, exposing his back side. Amber gasped in astonishment. There, on the back of his head, was a second mouth!

  The Wizard of Ooze had outsmarted her.

  The worm spoke, and Amber strained to hear.

  Wait, she thought, I cast a spell so that I wouldn’t be able to hear him. But she didn’t need to hear the worm to understand what he said. She read his wormy lips.

  “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!” Sebaceous Ooze intoned.

  Amber’s head was swimming in pain. She couldn’t think clearly. She knew she was in danger but didn’t know what to do. She was too astonished at the realization that the worm, in preparation for her assault, had cast a spell that gave him two mouths!

  The worm began to utter a second curse, and at that moment, Benjamin Ravenspell leapt in front of Amber, brandishing his spear.

  “You stay away from her!” Ben cried.

  Then there was a whoosh sound, a rush of air. The enormous worm sucked Ben off the ground and down his throat, just like a vacuum cleaner.

  As quick as that, Ben was gone.

  “Darn you!” Amber roared, her head suddenly clearing. “Your father was a hamster, and your mother was a spaghetti noodle!” She waved a paw in the air, lifting the worm’s massive body from the ground, and sent him hurtling into a nearby stalactite.

  Sebaceous Ooze hit the pillar with a thwack, like a slab of meat slamming down onto the butcher’s block.

  He landed on the ground with a thud, and Amber cast a spell to rid the wizard of his second mouth.

  And suddenly something large blocked her view. A slobber goblin as large as a Doberman came thundering toward her, crushing zombie mice with every stride. Snot spiders and booger babies followed at its back.

  Something yanked her tail, and Amber whirled to see zombie mice dragging her from the battle.

  I can’t be distracted, Amber thought. I’ve got to fight the wizard!

  She whirled around, but at just that moment, she saw the great wizard worming his way around a corner into a side tunnel, making his escape.

  I have to get him! Amber thought.

  With a wave of her paw, she sent the slobber goblins and all of their kin flying. They parted like the Red Sea, flying to the right and the left, leaving a path straight ahead for Amber.

  Only the zombie mice blocked her way.

  “I wish you were free,” she intoned.

  Suddenly, dead mice with rotting bones protruding from their wasted hides dropped in their tracks, while live mice blinked in surprise and twitched their whiskers as they sniffed the air and peered about in confusion.

  “Out of my way!” Amber shouted. She cast a spell that made her seem to be a monster, an enormous robin with glowing golden eyes, standing five feet tall, a robin so huge and mighty that it could swallow a Wyoming thunder worm in a single gulp.

  I have to save Ben, she thought. I have to rescue him from the belly of the worm.

  * * *

  Inside the belly of the worm, Ben fought the urge to scream in terror. He had leapt in front of Amber, brandishing his needle, only to feel the rush of wind as the huge worm sucked him into the air.

  Ben went tumbling and slammed into the killer worm’s mouth. Dazed and worn, he began sliding down his slimy throat.

  But he had not gone more than five inches when he felt a jerk and realized that he was caught. The fishing line coiled around his shoulder pulled taut, constricting his breathing, and he seemed to hang in place.

  He wrenched around, trying to figure out what had happened, and peered upward.

  His grappling hook was caught in the worm’s throat! He could see the hook just above him, not far from the worm’s lip.

  If I can pull myself up, just a few inches, Ben thought, I could pop right out of this worm’s mouth.

  Ben wrenched himself around and grabbed the fishing line with both paws. Worm slime dribbled liberally down the length of the line, and hold on as tight as he might, Ben began slipping backward.

  He kicked with his powerful feet, struggling up the worm’s gullet. Like the rope, the worm’s throat too was covered with slime.

  But Ben was a Pacific jumping mouse, and he bucked and lunged forward, grabbing for new handholds with each step, his heart pounding.

  “I’m almost there!” he thought, as he saw the worm’s mouth yawning wide. Through the hole he could see the cavern, see Amber down on the floor surrounded by slobber goblins and mice.

  Then she pointed her finger at the worm, and everything went black.

  The worm screamed in frustration, the sound rising from his gut and up into his throat.

  Amber has closed the second mouth, Ben realized. I’m trapped in here.

  At that instant, Ben felt a moment of weightlessness as the worm rose into the air and smacked into a rock.

  Soft worm flesh cushioned the shock, and as the worm smacked to the floor, Ben began to realize his danger.

  He was in a dark, dank tunnel filled with the oozy smell of a half-dead worm. No doubt he was up to his ankles in stomach acid, and it would begin eating his flesh in no time. Worse than that, there was no air to breathe.

  The worm’s mouth was blocked off, and Ben had only one way to go.

  Out the back! he thought. It can’t be more than what, fifteen feet?

  But the worm guts were slippery, and he was quickly running out of air.

  Ben nosed around in the darkness, reversing his direction, and kicked savagely, racing for his life.

  * * *

  “Ben!” Amber shouted as the great worm fled. She lurched through the dark chamber, leaping over dazed mice, chasing the great worm.

  Sebaceous Ooze whirled, peered back, and mentally shrieked in mindless terror at the sight of a giant robin chasing him madly through the caves.

  Amber heard growling, and she glanced to the side. Growling oozes slurped toward her. Worse than that, she saw giant slobber goblins and booger babies rising up. She’d used her powers to hurl them into the wall with enough force that she should have seen broken skulls and bleeding scrapes.

  But the wizard’s evil minions were not made of flesh and blood. They were made from worm snot and ash, and even the fiercest blow couldn’t faze them.

  They bounced off of rocks as harmlessly as if they were foursquare balls.

  Then they whirled and came after Amber.

  She rushed out of the cavern, into a dark tunnel.

  Sebaceous Ooze slinked ahead, fleeing into the shadows.

  She rounded a corner, passed a large stalagmite, and suddenly something dark came hurtling toward her.

  A tail, she realized. A worm’s tail!

  It slapped into her with a smack, and all went dark. There was a roaring sound, like breakers in a distant ocean, and Amber felt herself lifted from her feet—flying, flying. Everything hurt terribly. Her teeth felt as if they’d been knocked loose. Her eyes rattled in their sockets. The air had been crushed from her lungs, and all of her ribs felt broken like a mass of broken twigs. Even her tail ached as if it had been set on fire.

  So, Amber thought, this is what it feels like to die.

  Chapter 23

  FLUKE

  Never underestimate the small creatures of the world.

  Even a worm can flex its muscles from time to time.

  —SEBACEOUS OOZE

  Instantly, Fluke knew what he had to do.

  A dark, snakelike form reared above Amber’s motionless body, cruel and terrifying. “Gotcha!” Fluke Gutcrawler hissed.

  The mouse looked dead. Fluke wasn’t sure, but he thought she might still be breathing. Regardless, with her unconscious, the illusion of the huge robin had faded away.

  Fluke Gutcrawler peered down at a sad little broken mouse. There was blood coming from her mouth, and her chest was bang
ed up and broken. One powerful swipe from his tail, and Fluke had pretty much smashed her flatter than a grape.

  She’s not so scary, he thought, when she’s all broken up.

  He peered down the tunnel where his father had fled. The cavern was in an uproar. Mice were squeaking in terror and swarming for the exits.

  Fluke didn’t have the power to stop them. His father wore the ring of mouse mesmerizing, and right now, his father was squirming away for his life.

  Coward, Fluke thought.

  Slobber goblins were howling in rage, calling for Amber’s blood, and Fluke was tempted to let them tear her apart.

  But he wanted to torture her just a little bit longer. If there was any life left in her at all, he wanted to take his time wringing it out.

  With a cruel glare, Fluke sent the slobber goblins sprawling back in terror. He was feeling good about himself. He’d just bested the world’s most dangerous mouse, while his father had tried to set a world record for the fastest retreat.

  He wasn’t sure if Amber was dead yet, but he didn’t want to take any chances. So Fluke hawked up some slime and spat, gluing Amber to the ground. Then he eeled forward and found the other two mice in the room.

  Fluke spat on them, gluing them to the ground. It was a talent known only to Wyoming thunder worms.

  One of the mice groaned and his eyes came open.

  “You?” the mouse said. “You’re not the Wizard of Ooze!”

  “Ah, but I am,” Fluke said, rolling to his side to show his scar. “You might say that I’m his better half.”

  The mouse’s eyes widened. “He cut himself in half? You’re the tail end!”

  “Very clever,” Fluke said. “You saw it instantly.”

  “That’s because I’m the smartest mouse in the world. My name is Thorn. But—why have you taken mice as slaves? Why build this army?”

  “Simple enough,” Fluke said. “We worms are going to take over the world.”

  Fluke had imagined that the mouse would object. He had thought that he might beg for his life. Instead, the mouse just sighed, as if in relief.

  “Thank goodness,” Thorn said, and fell silent.

  Fluke was confused. “What? What do you mean ‘thank goodness’?”

  “You’re a great and powerful worm, and a powerful wizard,” Thorn said. “We need leaders like you—ruthless creatures to protect us . . .”

  “Protect you? What makes you think that I’m going to protect you?” Fluke asked. Then he grew nervous. “Protect you from what?”

  “Don’t you know?” Thorn begged, his eyes going wide. “Bull worms! Alaskan bull worms. Aren’t you going to wrest control from them? They’ve taken over the world!”

  “Alaskan bull worms?” Fluke asked in a fluster. He’d never heard of them. But then again, he was sort of new to the world. His brain had just been growing in over the past week or so. “Tell me what they are,” Fluke demanded, “or I’ll destroy you!”

  “Predatory worms,” Thorn said, as if gasping for air. “Huge, much larger than you. They live beneath the ice in the arctic tundra, where they lunge up from the ground to swallow walruses whole. They suck poor Eskimo families right out of their igloos. They have to eat five times their weight every day, and their favorite food . . . is other worms!”

  Fluke shuddered and backed away from Thorn.

  “They’re bigger than you,” Thorn said, “But I think you can take them.” He hesitated for a moment, and added, “Master.”

  Fluke Gutcrawler’s head was reeling. His newly formed brain seemed overwhelmed with this information. Giant worms? His father talked of seizing the world from the clutches of Germ men butchers and evil clowns. Could they really be facing a larger threat? Why hadn’t his father told him?

  But I can take them, Fluke realized. With my vast magical powers, I’ll seize control from the bull worms! I’ll make them my slaves, and then I will rule the world.

  Thorn peered up at the worm knowingly, almost as if reading his mind.

  “Where is your father, Fluke?” Thorn asked. “I’ve heard of his legendary cowardice. Is he off hiding now, leaving you to face the enemy alone, as he did with his parents?”

  Fluke gulped. His father wasn’t back yet! Did the old man even care about Fluke? For all that his father knew, Fluke could be dead, gobbled down by a giant robin.

  “Such a shame,” Thorn whispered. “The world is praying for a great leader, someone wise and strong. But of course your father is the head, and you are the tail. I guess you’ll always remain just a follower. Oh, how I’d love to shove your father right down the throat of a volcano!”

  Of course, Fluke thought, the world is waiting! They’re waiting for me! All I have to do is take my rightful place.

  Once again, Fluke had a vision of himself atop a mountain with the world stretched out before him. Worms by the millions, his own children born through sacrifice and pain, would sing his praise. But now the vision changed. Among the supplicants he could see hordes of mice rejoicing, and walruses clapping their flippers in glee, and polar bears kneeling to their mighty king, while Eskimo families wept with joy! And off in the distance, the giant Alaskan bull worms rotted beneath a green sun.

  Instantly, Fluke knew what he had to do. Someone should have done it long ago.

  Fluke whirled and slithered down the tunnel. He sang to himself:

  Both of my feet feel lighter than air,

  That’s why I’m dancing, like Fred Astaire—

  The old soft shoooooee . . .

  Scooby bebop—what else can I do?

  I feel so happy—ain’t got a care.

  Dancin’ around in my smelly lair!

  And you should tooooo—

  Suddenly the floor trembled, and Fluke peered about, afraid that the roof might fall. Bits of dirt and rock pattered down like hail.

  “Well, if it ain’t déjà vu all over again!” he said with a whoop as he hurried down the passage to kill his father.

  * * *

  Benjamin Ravenspell shoved with all of his might, working his way down the monstrous worm’s stomach. He bulldozed through a noxious soup of stomach acid and decomposing bits of flesh. He felt bones scraping against him and could only imagine what he would see if he opened his eyes. But he couldn’t open them, not with the acid, so he squinted tightly, working his way toward the worm’s tail.

  There has to be an exit, he told himself.

  After all, worms are just long guts with a little skin wrapped over them.

  But he felt as if he’d hit a wall.

  Worst of all, he was running out of air. He’d taken one big gulp a minute ago, and then raced down the worm’s gut toward his hind end.

  He felt with his paws. Just ahead of him, the gut narrowed dramatically, and all around that, it felt as if the worm’s body was wrapped in stone.

  The ring! Ben realized. He’d reached the end of the worm’s tail, but the ring was wrapped around it, blocking his way.

  With all of his might, Ben groped forward, putting his little mouse shoulder to the ring and groaning as he shoved.

  One more step, he told himself. Just one more step, and I’ll be through!

  * * *

  Fluke Gutcrawler reached the end of the tunnel, which opened onto a precipice above the volcano. Below him, the earth rumbled and groaned. Fiery magma shot high into the air, sloshing on the inside of the volcano.

  Sebaceous Ooze peered over the precipice, grunting and straining. He had no mouth to cry out with, to speak with.

  But the pain in his expression said everything.

  He was peering upward. All along the insides of the volcano, mice were rushing away, squeaking in jubilation as they made their escape.

  Gone were his workers. Fled were his slaves. Sebaceous Ooze watched their escape with despair.

  “Father,” Fluke called.

  Sebaceous whirled as if disturbed from his reverie. He suddenly appeared hopeful.

  “What are you doing hiding down here?�
� Fluke asked. “I ended up fighting the battle alone. I won.”

  Hope burned brighter in Sebaceous Ooze’s face.

  “But you didn’t,” Fluke added. “All you did was earn my contempt. Now give me your magic ring!”

  Sebaceous Ooze seethed with rage.

  Fluke knew they would have to fight, but his father was at an extreme disadvantage. Fluke cast a small spell and spat. Gobs of green worm goo shot out—a powerful acid that could eat flesh. It hit his father with a sloppy sound and began to drip downward, burning and hissing.

  Sebaceous Ooze began to charge, but Fluke was already flying toward him. The two worms hit with a terrible smacking sound, and Fluke dropped low, pushing up.

  I’ve only got to shove him a few feet, Fluke realized, and he’ll drop over the cliff into the lava!

  Fluke threw his weight into the blow, and to his surprise, the evil worm lifted. Fluke shoved, and his father twisted in the air as he began to topple over.

  * * *

  Ben’s shoulder hit the worm’s tail once again, and with his enormous feet, Ben shoved with all of his might, using the claws on his toes to grip the worm’s gut.

  To his astonishment, he felt the ring jerk free, and Ben went shooting out of the backside of Sebaceous Ooze like a ball through a cannon.

  Ben squirted out onto the ground and heard a rumbling sound. Above him, two enormous black worms were poised on a precipice, both of them squirming.

  Fluke Gutcrawler was shoving his father, trying to topple him into the lava, but Sebaceous Ooze had wrapped his tail around his son in a death grip.

  Ben peered at the ring lying on the floor, black and covered with goo. Ben himself was sticky, like a newborn babe.

  “Die, you evil old worm!” Fluke cried.

  Ben looked at the enormous worms poised on the brink of the precipice. Ben decided that no matter who won, he’d lose.

  The worms wrestled, their icky flesh wrapped round one another, groaning and straining, balancing on the brink of the cliff.

  “Yaaaaaagh!” Ben screamed, and he raced toward them.

  The worms were so busy fighting each other that they never even heard him coming. Ben leapt into the air and gave Sebaceous Ooze a vicious roundhouse karate kick, just like the master of his dojo had taught him in class.