by Jude Ouvrard
I know she doesn’t love me. She’s made that crystal clear. She’s in love with him, and she makes certain I’m aware of it.
We're at a restaurant, almost finished with our grilled chicken salad and lemon iced tea. I should watch what I eat. With things so up in the air with Abbie’s mother, I don’t know when I’ll get a chance to exercise. My diet and training habits are very strict. I’m always tough on myself and can't allow myself to slack off. Abbie orders dessert, of course. She’s always loved anything with chocolate. She's waiting for her brownie with hot chocolate sauce to arrive at the table. Even though I’m careful with my eating habits, I’ll make sure I get a bite.
''I’ll eat it quickly, and then we’ll head back to the hospital.'' It sounds as if she’s doubtful that I’ll want to do it, as if she's asking me for permission. I’m only here to support her; I’m happy to do whatever she says. ''Sure. No problem.''
I want to ask her when he's arriving. I want to know if she has any more details about his travel plans, but I don't want to sound like I’m desperate and calculating how much time I have left alone with her. That’s exactly what I am doing, but she doesn't need to know that, right?
''Cam, what are you thinking about? You look like you’re in pain.''
What? Damn, I must look like a complete idiot now. ''Hmm… nothing.''
''Liar!'' she shouts. ''You’re so full of shit, Cameron Scotts. I know that expression on your face.''
''I was... Abbie... It’s nothing, I was just wondering when Presley's coming. See? Not a big deal.''
''Your face was telling a different story. He's supposed to be arriving tomorrow. He had an important contract to complete, so he's trying to fly in tomorrow afternoon.''
''Okay, great.''
I'm looking at Abbie surreptitiously, trying not to stare. I know she’s thinking about saying something, but she doesn't. I don't want things to get weird between us, so I’ll try to be cool about the situation. ''I know now isn’t a good time, but I hope I’ll get an opportunity to know him a little better. He seems like a great guy.''
''He is.'' Abbie smiles and her eyes sparkle with excitement. She's in love, and she can't hide it. I know I'm about to get my heart broken a second time, but it's my own fault.
The waiter finally arrives with her cake. There are probably 6000 calories sitting on the plate, and I don't know how many grams of fat in that little square of chocolate, but Jesus, it looks good.
''Stop looking and take a bite or two. I don’t want it all anyway.''
''Okay, sure. I hope it’s worth it.''
''Oh, it definitely is.'' She takes a piece of cake on her spoon and pops it into her mouth, rolling her eyes in delight ''I'll regret it later though.''
I swallow down a mouthful of the delicious brownie, and I can understand why she was rolling her eyes. ''Yeah, me too.''
She takes one last bite while I finish my iced tea. I pay for dinner and we head back to the hospital. I wish this could be my life… our life. Us, together. But I lost Abbie years ago, and it’s too late to get her back now. I can't seem to stop torturing myself about it.
''Come on, now; get your sexy ass up on the bike,'' I joke, when we reach the Ninja.
She slaps me upside the head before she climbs on. I love the way she looks sitting on my baby.
I sigh.
It might be the last time that she climbs on the bike with me, before the boyfriend arrives. Enjoy it while you can Cameron.
Presley
When it was time to leave dad’s office, he told me to have a safe flight to Myrtle Beach and that he would send prayers our way. I was more than a little surprised by his behaviour. I thanked him and we shook hands looking eye to eye, I recall as I stare out the airplane window at the darkness speeding past.
I'll arrange a dinner when Abbie comes home, if Dad wants to meet her. Joshua and Joy-Anna both talked to him about her, and apparently they made a great impression. Joy-Anna made sure to casually mention my new tattoo, and Dad thinks it's amusing. Once again, I'm surprised. I don’t understand this man at all. The first time he saw my mother's portrait on my chest, I thought he was either going to pass out or have a heart attack. He wasn't mad, but he doesn't understand my fixation with inking my skin. Other than for this work arrangement, we hadn’t talked in weeks. My brother or sister are normally the ones giving me news from him.
We're about to land in Myrtle Beach, and I'm anxious to call Abbie as soon as we land. I have the address for her mother's place and the hospital. I just need to make sure I know where she is before I get in a cab. I want to surprise her, so I’ll let her think I’m calling from Seattle.
I call her cell, and she answers. I figure it probably means she isn't at the hospital, otherwise I assume it would go straight to voice mail.
''Baby!'' She exclaims. She sounds happy. Knowing she's glad to hear from me has to be the best feeling in the world.
''Hey, love. What are you doing?'' I ask calmly. I don't want to make her suspicious.
''We're just leaving the restaurant and about to head to see Mom. We won't stay for long. Can I call you when we get home?''
''Sure. Call me later. I love you.''
She giggles. ''I love you more.''
''Impossible.'' I'm blushing.
I disconnect the call and put the phone back in my pocket. I wish the taxi driver would hurry up. I want to get to the hospital before Abbie does. I don't even know if that's possible, but I want to surprise her. I know the timing's wrong, I mean, she's going through a lot right now, but I have hope maybe I can make her smile a little.
I'm ridiculously nervous about seeing her again. My hands are shaking. I’ve missed her so much, even though it’s only been a couple of days, and I know she's been hanging out with Cameron a lot. I guess I'm simply anxious to see her and connect with her again.
When we reach the hospital I try Abbie's phone again and I hang up when it keeps ringing and she doesn’t answer. Presumably that means she hasn’t arrived yet. I stand beside a bench and scan the parking lot. I can't see her anywhere. There are plenty of cars arriving, but no sign of Abbie and Cameron. Then I see a dark-skinned and buff-looking guy, riding a shiny black Ninja at about fifteen feet away from me, but my eyes are drawn to the pale arms wrapped around his middle. To my shock, my little Abbie is sitting behind him on the bike.
My heart stops. I stare for a moment, and then I walk towards them. I'm not mad, but I can’t say I’m thrilled to see Abbie with her arms wrapped around Cameron’s waist. Cameron must have enjoyed the past couple of days when I couldn’t be here, if this is what they’ve been using for transport.
Cameron looks surprised when I stride up beside the bike. ''Presley?''
Abbie's standing next to the Ninja, fixing her helmet hair. When she hears Cameron announce my name, she turns and starts running towards me, leaping into my arms. God, she feels so good to hold. She makes me feel complete again. I'm so fucking happy, I can’t stop smiling.
''I thought you weren't going to be here until tomorrow!''
''I wasn't, but I had an opportunity to get here faster, so here I am.''
Her eyes fill with tears. ''I've missed you so much, Presley.'' She kisses my lips softly. ''My mom's going to be so happy to meet you.''
I kiss her back. ''I am, too.'' I have that ridiculous huge grin on my face, I know, and I can't control myself.
Cameron waves a greeting.
''Hi, Cameron, nice ride,'' I say casually.
''Yeah, it is, indeed.''
Abbie takes my hand as we enter the hospital. Cameron's following behind. I’ve got the impression he's upset about my surprise arrival.
Before we enter Abbie’s mother's room, she cups my face between her soft hands, and kisses my lips one more time. ''Presley, it means so much to have you here.''
When Abbie says my name, it's the best damn sound in the whole world.
''I love you, I wanted to be here for you.'' Oh right, that reminds me – she hasn't se
en the tattoo yet. I'll wait until we leave the hospital to show her.
She pushes on the room door, and it opens silently. I see someone I'm guessing is Dwayne, sitting in a chair by the bed. He looks exhausted, and I don't blame him. Losing someone you love so deeply is a terrible thing… the worst nightmare a man can go through, I imagine. He sees me and immediately smiles. I have to assume he’s guessed who I am by the fact that I’m holding Abbie’s hand.
He leans toward the bed and whispers in Erin's ear. Bee pulls on my hand and I find myself face to face with an attractive woman. Although it is clear to see how weak she must feel, she is absolutely beautiful; a gorgeous face that reminds me of Abbie, and a radiant smile. Unstoppable tears are falling down her face. I hope I'm not responsible for those tears.
''Mom, are you okay? Why are you crying? Are you in pain?'' Abbie sounds anxious and she releases my hand to grasp her Mom’s.
''No, Abbie, of course not! These are happy tears; my prayers have been answered. I get to meet your Prince Charming.”
“Mom, this is Presley, Presley, this is my mother, Erin.”
“Nice to meet you,” we both say in sync.
Erin is looking at my arms. I don’t think she’s judging me but, she is staring and not ashamed.
“Mom.” Abbie tries to distract her.
“That’s a lot of tattoos, Presley.” She says seriously, but then she gives me a tired smile. “They look great.”
“Thank you.” I didn’t know what else to say.
“When did you get here?”
“I just got here, maybe an hour ago.”
The conversation among all three of us doesn’t come naturally. I don’t know what to expect from her and Abbie looks nervous. I want to say something, but I can’t come up with anything worth saying.
“Now, if you'll excuse us, I need to talk with this young man privately.''
Abbie seems surprised; her big green eyes widening. ''Oh... Okay. We'll head down and sit in the waiting room. Come on, Cam.'' Dwayne follows behind them and I settle in the chair Dwayne had been sitting in.
''You’ll have to excuse me, Presley, for asking to speak to you alone. I know I'll be leaving Abbie soon, and you'll have to take care of her for me. I messed up and I'll never be able to forgive myself. I should have called her more; I should have visited her more. I never stopped loving her, you understand? I just made so many mistakes when she was growing up. I realize now that because I was afraid she was angry with me, I let the fear keep me away from the most precious person alive.'' She's looking at me and holding my hand, trembling as she takes a deep breath.
I'm pretty sure I'm blushing, and she's trying to laugh, but I can see that it causes her pain. “I lost my mother, too, and it wasn't under easy circumstances. I'll be able to give Abbie the support she needs; I'm never going to leave her." I take a deep breath, trying to regain control of my emotions. "I know this is going to sound weird, since I met you two minutes ago but...''
She squeezes my hand and my eyes meet hers. "You make her happy. Abbie is in love with you.''
“And I can't imagine my life without her.''
''Love.'' She cups my face with her trembling hands. ''You're in love with my daughter, Presley. I can see it and I can feel it.'' She sounds so spiritual, so different from Abbie.
''I know...'' I smile, glancing briefly at the tattoo. ''She's everything I need in my life.''
Erin’s eyes grow distant and I can hear her struggling for breath when she speaks again. ''I got my test results before you arrived, and it's not looking good. I'm probably not going to be witnessing many more sunsets.'' She cries in silence and her gaze turns towards the window in her room. ''Today's most likely my last one.''
''I'd better get Abbie now. You probably want to spend as much time as possible with her.''
''Will you stay with us?'' she asks, and I can see the worry in her eyes.
I smile reassuringly. ''Of course.''
I leave Abbie’s mother and walk to the waiting room, where Cameron, Dwayne and Abbie are waiting patiently. I feel terrible for Erin and all the regrets she’s suffering, but I mainly feel incredibly sad for my Abbie, knowing all the pain she’ll go through in the next few days. I wonder if I should offer to take a few photographs of them together. I know I’ve always wished I had taken one last picture with my mother.
Abbie's in a chair next to Cameron, sobbing desperately, and I'm completely taken by surprise. The pain expressed on her face is devastating. Her eyes are red-rimmed. She's obviously been crying a lot in the past few days and it breaks my heart to see her so upset. Cameron's holding her hand firmly in his and he’s whispering in her ear. I know he's only trying to support her, help her through this, but I can do it now, because I'm here for her. Her knuckles are white, she's holding him so tightly for support. I want to be the one who’s soothing her, supporting her. I take a few seconds to regain control of my thoughts and then walk towards her. I cup her face with my right hand. Cameron releases her hand as her eyes lift to meet mine.
''Abbie... Erin wants to see you now.'' I manage to speak without revealing any sign of my own sadness. I have to get a grip; I have to be strong for Abbie.
She leaps up from the chair as soon as she hears the sound of my voice, and she grips the front of my shirt, staring wildly into my eyes.
''She...the doctor... she's going to die soon, Presley... I can't let her go. I can't.''
I take a deep breath. ''Abbie, love... I know, but unfortunately... we can't control these things.''
''She can hardly breathe, and her kidneys aren't working anymore. She's in pain.'' Abbie sobs and I feel so helpless. There's no way to make this any better for her.
''I know, Abbie, and I'm so sorry. I wish you didn't have to go through this, but I'm here for you. We'll get through this together. I'll do everything in my power to help you.''
''You’re here Presley, that's all I need.'' She kisses my lips tenderly.
“Now come on, your Mom wants to see you.''
When we enter the room, a nurse is standing beside Erin, asking if she needs more morphine. Erin’s hands are shaking even worse now than they were when I left the room a few minutes before, and her breathing's becoming laboured. A wave a tears is forming in her eyes as she agrees to more morphine. She obviously knows what's coming and she doesn't want to let go. I completely understand.
Dwayne's holding Erin’s hands, trying to calm her. ''Shhh, Erin, we're not going anywhere; we're all here for you. We're here to support you,'' Dwayne says in a loving way.
“I know.'' Erin closes her eyes and she falls into a doze. The nurse returns and injects morphine into the IV.
We're all watching Erin, speechless and distraught. After a few minutes, Erin's arms and legs start moving sporadically, as if she’s having some kind of seizure. Her breathing remains the same, the breath ragged as she draws air in and lets it out. She mumbles a few words here and there, but it’s nothing that makes sense. It's so hard to witness someone in so much pain.
Abbie's crying silently, watching her mom with tired eyes. I take a seat at the side of her mother's bed, and she settles onto my lap.
''This isn't normal, is it?'' Abbie asks, wiping tears away. ''Maybe I should ask a nurse.''
''It's normal, Abbie, I’ve already asked. She was like this earlier too.'' Dwayne admits.
''I can't believe this is it... Mom, please.'' Abbie begs her mom not to leave her. A painful lump forms in my throat as I listen to her begging her mother to survive. ''I love you, Mom.''
I kiss the back of Abbie's head repeatedly. I don't know what else to do, I feel so useless. All the money in the world couldn’t buy Erin good health. Cancer is such an insidious disease and it’s eating away at her. There’s nothing I can do to help. The doctor and nurses are already doing everything in their power, to make certain she is free of pain. Erin isn’t my mother, I barely know her, but I still want to scream out the anger boiling inside me. This doesn’t make any fucking sense
. Erin isn’t an old woman; she should have many more years of life ahead. The situation is horrible and I can’t do a damned thing to fix it.
Abbie
I'm not leaving Erin; I'll stay with her all night. I know there won't be another tomorrow with Mom. I don’t need the doctors to say it – I can tell. Every passing hour, she grows weaker and weaker. Her face is devoid of color and her eyes seem exhausted. The staff is doing everything they can for her, which is all I can ask for. I'm so grateful for their support.
My eyelids are so heavy. Presley is still awake, but I can see how tired he is. Cameron went home for the night. He seemed to think he shouldn't be here, since he wasn't family. I tried to convince him to stay, but he said he would come back in the morning with breakfast.
I wish there was some way to catch up all the years we’ve spent apart. I will never deliberately stay away from people I love again, never. I'm learning the hard way with this situation. Erin is my mother. How could I stay away from her for so long? I had my reasons, but now they seem meaningless and are causing me heartache.
I wake with a start and realize I fell asleep. I glance at my watch and discover it's 7am. Damn it, I slept for almost two hours. Erin's eyes are half open and I can see that she's worsened. Her chest heaves with every struggling breath. It hurts to see her like this. Her cheeks have hollowed, and she seems so much worse compared to when I first arrived. My heart is broken; I hate this so much. I'm full of hatred.
Erin murmurs my name and I approach her slowly.
“Mom?''
''Abbie… love you… much… strong.'' She closes her eyes and I know she's leaving me.
Dwayne's watching us, with tears in his eyes. He covers his face with his hands and sobs. I don’t think I can watch her die. It hurts too much. Her breathing is growing shallow; I see the light leaving her eyes. I can hear myself talking, begging her not to leave me, I'm begging her to spend more time with me. I'm holding her hand in mine, kissing the backs of her hands in between sobs.
