"Only if you're lucky."
As if I would ever turn down that man.
After making sure Shelby had her pain meds and was comfortable, she fell back asleep. Canyon had been looking at me with an expression that couldn't be misconstrued, and I was more than ready to finish what we had started. I watched him slowly lift himself from the bed as to not wake her and walk out of the room, turning in the doorway to make sure I was following. He was more than surprised to find me right behind him.
"Damn you're fast."
"Do I look like I want to wait another second?"
Without a word, he lifted me off the floor, my legs wrapping around his waist, and carried me through the hall to the family room, leaving me completely confused.
"Why here?"
"What I plan to do isn't something she needs to hear."
"Oh!"
"Be prepared to say nothing but that unless you'd like to follow it up by screaming ‘My God, Canyon!’"
It was something I would usually laugh at coming from him, but this time I knew he was dead serious by the look on his face, and I was completely prepared to find out exactly what he had planned. And then suddenly the atmosphere changed.
"Do you remember what I told you the last time this happened between us?"
"Which part?"
"The part where I told you I would never hurt you? I know it didn't work well with that moment, but I meant it. I love you, Ari. And as much as things have changed that never faltered."
I needed him to know how much those words meant to me and I wanted to show him verses tell him if that makes sense. When our lips touched it was obvious.
Our clothes lay in a pile on the floor as we rolled around taking each other in. Every time his sweet lips touched mine or his fingers brushed over my skin I fell deeper into bliss, and the look in his eye melted my heart. We were finally back to the place we were before it all fell apart.
"Ari?"
"Hmm?"
"I take it back."
"Take what back?"
"I don't need you screaming anything tonight. I just want to love you, if that's okay."
He had his cheek rested on my stomach as he spoke. I brought my hands to his head, running them through his hair for a few seconds before I answered.
"I don't think being with you could be considered anything else. Whether I scream out your name or you just hold me, what we have will always be love."
He raised himself up on his hands before asking me, "Please tell me that again."
"Why? Don't you believe me?"
I took his face in my hands and stared into his eyes.
"I love you, Canyon Michaels."
"Then would you be okay if we waited for this? I don't feel right not using a condom anymore, and I don't have one with me."
If you think I was disappointed you would be wrong. I hadn't taken the time to think about what I had failed to do myself. Being in Alabama, I felt no need to keep up with my shot so it would be completely stupid to not use protection when the only thing between us was a baby I didn't want to raise.
"I don't mind at all. Just being in your arms is everything."
Chapter 10
Morning came and with it the same argument from the night before. I called into school and explained why I needed the day off but was met with an ultimatum. The university only allowed two days to miss, otherwise you fail the course you paid for. The unequivocal answer to my dilemma was written all over Canyon's smug face as I hung up the phone.
"I told you I will take care of her."
"I know you did but she's my..."
"Arianna, go to school and let me stay with Canyon, please!"
I turned to Shelby in shock.
"You don't want me here?"
"That sounds mean, and I don't want to be. It would just be fun spending the day with just him. I've never done it before."
He stuck his tongue out at me from behind her.
"You suck, you know."
"You can stay too. I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings."
I walked over to the chair Shelby was sitting at and bent down to be eye to eye with her.
"I wasn't talking to you, sweetheart. Canyon is the one being mean, not you."
"I'm not being mean!"
"Whatever, are you sure you can do this? She's going to need—"
"I am a damn bull rider, Ari. I know how to treat injuries. Besides, Shelby here just needs to get comfortable with her cast and she will be good to go for school tomorrow. I'm not leaving until I am sure of it."
I had forgotten all about his events. With the last twenty-four hours I was surprised I remembered my own name.
"That's right, you leave tomorrow night."
"Yeah, I really don't want to even go now that you're back..."
"But you will because this is your life to live. We will be just fine."
He walked over to me and placed his hands around my neck, lifting my jaw with his thumbs.
"You could need me a little. I would be okay with that."
"The truth is, we do. I just don't want you giving up your dream again for me. You put this off before, but as soon as I was gone you jumped back in. That says something."
“Yeah it does. It says it's my second choice and always will be when compared to you."
He lowered his face until his sweet lips pressed against mine.
"Eeewwwww!"
Pulling away quickly I looked at Shelby and laughed.
"Sorry. What would you like for breakfast?"
"Canyon is going to take me into town to eat."
"Oh is he?"
He was standing there with a smile on his face.
"She doesn't need to be trapped here all day. As long as I keep up on her meds we will be fine. Now go to class and stop micro-managing us, woman."
"Fine, clearly I'm no longer wanted," I said sarcastically as he pulled me back to him.
"You will always be wanted."
When it was time to go, Canyon walked me to my truck.
"I didn't want to say this in front of Shelby, but I talked to Brooke last night and she rescheduled her ultrasound for tomorrow so I could see the baby before I leave. I asked if you could come with me..."
"You can stop right there. I don't want to be anywhere near that situation."
I already felt sick to my stomach about it all but my going with him was just absurd. We were right back to where we started, and I hated myself for it.
"I don't understand. We have been doing so good, so I thought you were coming around to all of this."
"No, we have been doing good because we were foolish enough to allow ourselves to forget what was happening. I am not changing my mind, Canyon. Your life with Brooke is not mine."
"You really don't think you will ever accept this?
Lying to him would do no good, even if the look in his eyes were begging me to.
"I don't think I can. That doesn't mean I love you any less. It's only about what I want for myself. That may be selfish, and I will take your judgment for it without argument. I am eighteen years old and want to be free to do things I never thought possible a year ago."
"I'm sorry you feel that way, but I am going to prove to you that we can do this. I refuse to let you go. Haven't I said that enough times for you to understand?"
I kissed him goodbye and opened the door to my truck. Once I was inside, I looked at him again and said, "We can fight it all we want, but the future holds what's going to be without us having any choice. I've gotta go. Take care of Shelby for me, please."
I closed the door, turned on the engine, and backed out of the driveway before I let the hold my teeth had on my bottom lip go to keep it from quivering as I felt the first tear of many fall from my eyes. Reality sucks, and this was proof that life isn't fair.
Class was a blur. I couldn't focus on anything other than what life would be like still living next door to him and being so far away at the same time. I wanted to be more open to the idea, but
something in me kept it from happening. I just couldn't.
By the time I was finished with the day, I wasn't eager to get home like I should have been. I called to check on Shelby and then lied and said I was on my way. Instead, I went back to the coffee shop and sat at a table staring out the window, waiting for clarity as far as what to do next.
"Hey there."
The last thing I needed was a confrontation with her. So instead of being gracious, I ignored her and continued to look out the window at all the care-free students walking the courtyard. I chose to pretend their lives were easy and that none of them had to endure anything equal to my struggles. Wouldn't it be nice to just go about your day and not have to worry what was coming in mere hours?
"Hello! I know you can hear me."
I turned to Tonya abruptly, letting her see the agitation she had now caused.
"Well what crawled up your ass and died?"
"I'm pretty sure you had plans today, right? That was the reason you gave me yesterday."
She pulled out the chair across from me and helped herself to my space.
"Obviously plans can change. What happened?"
Feeling violated by the question alone, I did the only thing I could to shut her down.
"This is none of your business. You clearly didn't care to have a friendship with me before, so please don't come looking here for gossip. I have nothing to say to you."
She pushed her chair back and stood, placing her hands on the table and leaned in toward me.
"You have no idea what I already know so don't look a gift horse in the mouth. I want you to stay away from him. Why? Because this will all blow up in your face if you continue down this path. I've said my piece, so now it's up to you to listen."
She pushed off the table and started for the door. I sat in my chair baffled by her statement. What the hell did she know about Canyon and me? Curiosity won out, and I ran outside after her.
"Tonya, wait up!"
She never slowed her pace. I was sprinting until I finally could grab her arm to stop.
"You said you have nothing to say, and now neither do I. Let me go."
"No way! You tell me something like that and just expect me to listen with no questions? Come on. Clearly you know more, and I want to know what it is."
"There is no point in saying more other than this. You wanted a friend, I am being the best one you will ever have right now. Listen to what I said and just stop what you're doing."
"Did you get hurt that bad? That you think you know what's going on in my life and can tell me how to live it? That's not going to happen."
"You clearly already have your mind made up. There is nothing left for me to say other than good luck."
She didn't give me the chance to respond. She simply walked away with a purpose, and it was obviously to get away from me.
Chapter 11
When I pulled into the driveway, I was surprised when the front door swung open to see Shelby walking out toward me. She had to swing her leg out and around because the cast prevented her from bending it, but hell, she was walking proudly with a huge smile on her face. I needed something to smile about and that little girl was exactly what gave me a reason. No matter what happened she would always be my constant love.
I jumped from the truck and ran around the front screaming, "Look at you!"
She continued the most awkward walk imaginable, all the while still beaming until she reached me.
Scooping her up in my arms, I spun her around before I set her back down.
"You really are doing so good."
"Thanks. Canyon helped me a lot."
"Speaking of Canyon, where is he?"
"He’s inside. He hasn't been in a very good mood, though."
A pang of guilt hit me. I didn't realize our talk that morning would affect Shelby.
"Well that's no fun. What do you say we go try to cheer him up?"
"I have been trying. It's no use."
"Maybe I can help. Let's go see."
I took her hand and led her into the house without any idea how to accomplish the feat. Upon entering, I saw him standing in the kitchen with his back to me, his head hung low and his hands were sprawled out against the counter. I knew by his posture that he didn't feel confident in our situation, and for the first time I felt we were on the same page about it. Turning to Shelby, I asked that she give me a minute alone with him and suggested she go play video games in her room. Reluctantly, she listened, and made her way there slowly but surely, leaving me to brave a conversation I wasn't sure where to go with.
The only thing my gut was telling me to do happened. I cleared the space between us and wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my cheek to his back, and let out a long sigh. His body tensed and then began to shake. I knew this was the hardest thing we would ever go through. My leaving was never really about leaving him. It was a means to an end for all that was standing between us. This…this was truly letting go of us, and I hated every minute of it just as much as he obviously did.
"I'm so sorry," came out in almost a whisper. This was it and everything in me screamed to stop it from happening. Before I could mutter a word he spun around and looked me in the eye, letting me see what was coming from within without question, and I felt my heart tighten.
"I really thought I could have you both, but clearly you are making me choose..."
My head shook back and forth.
"This is my choice not yours. I choose you over anything but Shelby and you should feel the same. This is your baby, and I will never come between you and it, don't you understand? I don't blame you for this, so I don't want you to apologize."
"I am so confused."
He ran his thumb over my lips in slow motion as his eyes followed the movement.
"I love these lips. I love that they tell me the truth, no matter if it hurts. I love that they spread open wide enough that I can see almost all your teeth when you smile." His eyes came back to meet mine. "Damn it, Ari, I can't do this. I can't walk away from you; I never could. But I can't just be your friend either."
"I don't want to lose you, but we have to look at the bigger picture. The ultrasound is just the start. Brooke is going to be around more and more which means less time for us. It will get easier."
I didn't believe what I was saying and the proof slid down my cheek. He apparently didn't either because he called me out.
"You're scared! You think this all means we can't be what we are."
"Of course I'm scared. As selfish as that is, I know change is coming, and it terrifies me. Brooke hates me, and before you cut me off, I hate her too. I hate the mother of your child, how screwed up is that? And when she has the baby, where is she going to live, huh? Her family isn't going to all of a sudden be there for her, you've already told me that. So let me answer that for you. She's going to live with you! You two will be splitting diaper duty and feedings, you won't have the energy to fight with her, and I will be forgotten."
"Are you done?"
"Excuse me?"
"I didn't mean for that to be rude, I just hate that you keep focusing on all the negative that might happen. She and I haven't discussed where they will stay. We really haven't spoken much at all since she left."
"That's what I am saying, though. You should be talking more, as much as I hate that too."
"Talking about what? How she thinks I'm picking you over her and the baby? How I am slacking on my responsibilities? What am I supposed to be doing that I haven't done? I call her every day. She's not my girlfriend. You are!"
"Canyon." I let out a sigh. "She wants you to be there for her."
"I know that, but I want to be here for you."
"Then you are choosing wrong already."
He was just about to say something when Shelby walked into the room swinging her leg around like a champ.
"Are you better?"
She took in the look on both our faces.
"What is wrong? And don't tell me I'm too young t
o understand, please!"
Those were the exact words that were about to leave my mouth. Instead of having to think of something else, Canyon began, "Your sister and I are trying to figure some things out. It's not that you are too young to understand, but more like this isn't something we want you to worry about."
"That's stupid. I'm already worried. How is this going to make any difference?"
I couldn't stay quiet on that one.
"Because you don't need to know about things that don't pertain to you."
Her hands landed on her hips.
"You two breaking up isn’t my business? That's just stupid. I have a say in this too, and my answer is no."
"No?"
"Yes, no. Whatever you are doing you need to stop and remember you're worse without each other than whatever you are letting come between you. And truthfully," she looked at Canyon, "I don't want to see her miserable again. So fix this."
"I'm trying to. Some things can't be fixed."
He looked at me and Shelby snapped.
"She isn't some thing, Canyon, this is Arianna and she's only broken when you aren't around. So whatever the problem is, fix it."
She wasn't going anywhere until he and I came to an understanding.
"I love your sister, Shelby. I'm not going anywhere."
Her smile appeared forced, but she let it be good enough, and that's all we needed.
"Now let’s go do something fun. I'm tired of being in this house."
"What would you like to do?"
I wasn't sure what she would want but I never expected to hear, "Let's go see the horses."
A smile crept up my face whether it was meant to be there or not. Canyon and I feared she wouldn't want to be around them any more after the accident and agreed to wait until she brought it up. We were both shocked it didn't take more than forty-eight hours to miss them.
"Then that's what we'll do, princess."
Canyon waited for her to walk out of the kitchen before he grabbed my hand and pulled me to him.
"I will do whatever it takes to prove you will always have a place in my life."
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