He kissed me, and for the first time I was willing to let him prove me wrong. I needed to be wrong because I didn't want a life without him.
Chapter 12
The next morning, Canyon and I drove Shelby to school together to make sure she would be okay before we headed back to the house to say our goodbyes. I had class, and he was going to meet with Brooke at the doctor before his flight out to Dallas. Standing in front of my truck, he had me pinned to it with his hands over my shoulders touching the hood.
"I am going to miss you so much, darlin’. Promise me you won't leave before I get back."
He came so close he could nudge my nose with his before I shoved him away playfully and then grabbed his shirt and pulled him back to me. "You are crazy. I'm not going anywhere. You just make sure to ride like you mean it because I will be watching it all from here. Besides, you will call me every day, right?"
"You will be hearing from me more than you'll want, I can promise you that."
Kissing him goodbye was hard, but the drive to school was awful. Since having him back there hadn't been a day without him. These two weeks were going to kill me. I sat through class once again like a zombie. Looking at the clock, I knew he and Brooke were at the doctor finding out the sex of their baby. Something in me broke as my heart tightened in my chest. Jealousy isn't a flattering quality, but I owned it unwillingly. She was getting what I never would; he was seeing his first-born child. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be.
By the time I picked up Shelby, I was fuming mad at myself. He hadn't called, but what could I expect? I had told him I wanted nothing to do with Brooke and the baby, and now I was angry at him for keeping it from me. I was a complete basket case, and I knew it.
I picked up Shelby and the first thing she asked once she was in the car was, "Is it a boy or girl?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know? Call him."
"I don't think I can. He should be on a plane by now, and his phone would be shut off."
"Well then do it any way and leave a message. That way he will call us when he gets there."
"Shelby, he'll call me tonight and we can find out..."
We had just driven past his house when my tires screamed against the pavement as I slammed on my brakes.
"What are you doing?" Shelby yelled from the back seat.
I didn't answer. Instead, I put the truck in reverse and backed up to confirm what I had seen the first time. Canyon’s truck and Brooke's car were both in the driveway.
"I thought he was leaving today?"
"Yeah, me too."
I should have drove back to our house, but my emotions got the better of me, and I found myself pulling into the driveway and stomping my way to the back porch, ready to explode, only the sound of crying stopped me at the bottom of the steps. I had no idea what she could be blubbering about and didn't really care until I heard, "You just want me to kill our baby so you and that little bitch can have your happily ever after! Well I'm not doing it!"
"That's not true, and you know it! You heard the same thing I did, Brooke, so stop making me out to be the bad guy here!"
"You are! They said there's a chance! How can you not believe things will be okay? How can you just jump to terminate this pregnancy? I won't do it."
"You need to stop and think. What is holding out going to do for you?"
"It will give me a chance to meet my baby before he dies!" I listened to her scream as I gasped while tears fell from my eyes. Their baby was a boy. And he was dying. I took one step forward and then three more backward. As much as I wanted to be there for Canyon, I knew it wasn't my place. This was for them to go through, and once again I needed to remember his priority wasn't with me. I turned and walked back to the truck and climbed in only to hear Shelby, "Why did you leave me in the truck?"
"Just give me a minute, okay."
I let my forehead rest against the steering wheel and took a deep breath trying to wrap my head around everything I heard. Something was wrong with the baby. I said it over and over again until I realized I was still sitting in his driveway and Shelby was hollering my name.
Lifting my head, I didn't respond to her but put the car in reverse and drove straight to my house.
"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" Shelby asked as I helped her out of the truck.
"I don't really know what to say. We just need to wait until Canyon calls."
I walked away, but she was keeping close.
"So was he not there?"
This was far worse than anything I could possibly think to explain to her. I just couldn't. So I lied.
"No he wasn't."
"Then what's wrong?"
"Shelby, I just need a little bit to think, okay? I know that's not fair to you, but I just can't talk right now."
Canyon never called. After tucking Shelby in I turned off all the lights, went to bed and cried myself to sleep wishing I had never thought of that baby as anything other than a miracle. I hated myself and pleaded to God to save him. It was one prayer I begged him to answer.
***
I felt weight on the bed before his naked body slid next to me and wrapped me into his arms. The hold was tight, screaming in non-verbal form everything he needed to say. His kisses landed across my shoulder before I turned, bringing my mouth to meet his. A hungry need brought him up to a sitting position, lifting me onto his lap, pulling my tank top over my head in a matter of seconds. I wanted so desperately to see his eyes but the black of night kept them hidden. One roll brought me under him and the only thing between us was ripped away and thrown to the floor. I could feel his heartbeat through his chest—it was going a mile a minute.
"Canyon…"
"Don't. Just let me have you. I need to be buried inside you, so I can forget. Please..."
His voiced cracked, and then he went quiet. Canyon was falling apart, crumbling before me, and the only thing I could do was help him.
I knew we should be using protection as he slid inside me. I knew that his head was filled with everything other than me below him. But the one thing that mattered most as he rocked himself into me was that I would do anything for this man. Anything to let him escape even if that meant I wasn't really there to him.
He clung to me in every way possible as if he was trying to disappear while I did everything in my power to let that happen, until it all abruptly stopped.
"I can't do this."
I wasn't sure if I heard him correctly, but he lifted off of me and looked down into the eyes he couldn't see.
"What do you mean?"
"This. All of it. I am losing control of everything, and I can't handle it."
"Please talk to me. I am here and always will be for you, but I don't understand what's going on. Let me in."
"I can't."
I sat up, bringing my hands to both sides of his face.
"You can tell me anything. I can't promise I can fix it, but I will always be here to hold you up when you fall. That's what love is, and, Canyon Michaels, I love you more than you will know."
He didn't say another word. Instead, he kissed me, brushing his tongue against mine before he was moving inside me as he once again tried to forget, and for the rest of the night, I let him.
Chapter 13
Around four in the morning I stirred in my sleep, feeling the bed for Canyon and came up empty. I searched the house only to find Shelby still sound asleep. If it weren't for the fact that my panties lay torn on my bedroom floor, I would have thought it was a dream. Instead, it was a living nightmare.
Weeks went by without a word from him. I had no answers for Shelby and her questions. I had nothing other than watching him on TV. Clearly he took a flight out that night, but my phone calls went unanswered. After promises of proof he came up empty. I knew it wasn't to hurt me, but the pain was still left to bear in his wake. This time it was he who left me.
It was hard trying to find a life in Montana without him. The town didn't change, but I had. More
than one occasion I found myself checking flight costs, prepared to pull Shelby from school, letting my classes go and boarding a plane to force him to talk to me, but I knew he needed space, and I had to give that to him. What I wanted was a moot point. What I hated was knowing he was suffering and alone.
It was a Thursday afternoon when Shelby and I had gotten home from school that I checked the mail. I hadn't in over a week knowing nothing would be there but junk mail. Flipping through it, I found a formal letter addressed to me from a medical center in Minnesota. My heart stopped beating thinking something had happened to Canyon. Letting the rest of the mail fall to the ground I tore into the envelope and read
Miss Arianna Dubray
We are writing on behalf of Camille McCormick.
My hand dropped to my side while my head looked up into the clouds hoping and praying that nothing else bad could happen to Shelby and me. I physically couldn't handle it. Lifting the paper once again, I allowed my eyes to skim over the letter looking specifically for words like death. Once I realized there were none, I could breathe again and went back over it again.
Basically it said that she was a patient at the facility, and I have been labeled as the power of attorney on her behalf. That she is being granted her first visitation and asked that Shelby and I come.
I ripped up the paper and screamed at the top of my lungs before I fell to the ground feeling small slivers of asphalt embed themselves into my knees. There was no way I was letting Shelby anywhere near that woman after she left her the way she did. She knew full-well I have no family left to leave Shelby with even if I did want to go. This was her. She always knew how to quietly be manipulative. The longer I sat there, the angrier I got. At her. At Canyon. At life in general. I had no one to turn to, and I was the only one I could blame for that. Looking down at the rest of the mail scattered all around me one thing stood out beyond the rest. I don't know how the letter from the medical center had my priority when there was a package that obviously held something in it. I picked it up and looked for the return address. There was none, but the handwriting stood out to me immediately.
I left the scattered mail in the yard and ran into the house gunning straight for my bedroom. Closing the door behind me, I ripped open the package, found a CD, grabbed my laptop and put the disk in. The sound of Adam Levine hit my heart like a shotgun. “Locked Away” was a song about asking a girl if she would still love him after he lost everything. With his flaws out in the open could she still care for the man that was left standing with nothing. How could he think I wouldn't? I may not have understood what was happening, but I knew he was hurting far worse than I was, and then it hit me. He didn't know that I knew. In his head the whole thing played out differently, and I could see why he felt scared and insecure. Had I not been there to hear Brooke and his conversation I probably would hate him for leaving after that night. It was all starting to make sense. The only thing I wanted to do was talk to him, but that option didn't exist.
After listening to the song I went out into the family room and took a seat on the couch next to Shelby.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing’s wrong. Why do you ask?"
"Don't you think by now I know? I'm not stupid. You have been a zombie ever since he left, and I don't know what's different, but something’s up. What happened?"
Well, I don't know, let’s see. Our mother wants to see us, oh, and Canyon still isn't talking to me, but he did send a song in the mail basically telling me he needs me but won't let me in to help. I guess I forgot to tell you that something is wrong with the baby and...
"Nothing happened. Today is no different than yesterday or the day before."
"You're lying, but if you don't want to tell me, that's okay. I am getting used to it."
That burned.
"Shelby." I turned my body to face her. "I really don't know what is happening. I have an idea, but until I get the whole story I don't want to tell you something that might be wrong. So it's not like I want to lie it just isn't something I can do anything about."
She looked down at her cast and then back up to me.
"This really itches you know."
I smiled. It was her way of letting me out, and I loved her for it.
"Well I think I heard you can take a wire hanger and..."
The front door handle moved. Both of us heard it and went still in shock. Staring at it for what felt like forever it didn't happen again.
"Do you think the wind did it?"
I didn't answer her. I just continued to stare.
Knock, knock, knock.
It was soft, but I clearly heard it before I jumped from the couch and ran, throwing open the door.
Canyon stood on the porch, looking down with his hands in his pockets.
Time stood still as I waited for him to face me. When his eyes traveled up my body and landed on my face I did the last thing I ever expected to do.
I slapped him.
Chapter 14
Shelby gasped as I watched Canyon rub the red mark my hand had left on his cheek. I was in shock from my own actions. I didn't realize how furious I was for him leaving until that moment in time.
"I deserve that."
My voice wouldn't work to comfort him. It was as if my head was refusing to listen to my heart.
"Can we talk, please?"
I moved out of the threshold allowing him entrance, but still I said nothing.
"Hi, Shelby girl. I missed you."
Silence again. Even Shelby was unsure how to respond until she blurted out, "Why didn't you answer your phone when I called?"
He looked like he had been slapped again. It probably never occurred to him that it wasn't always me. That he left a little girl behind that looked up to him.
"I am so sorry. I have made a lot of mistakes lately. Will you please forgive me? I kinda need you too."
She bounced out of her seat and into his arms.
"I'm just really glad you're back."
"I am just as glad to hug you."
They held one another while I stood back and watched. Shelby was what mattered, and I gave him credit for handling her first. Eventually, he let her go and looked up to me.
"Can we talk in private? I need you to hear me out."
I walked to my bedroom after asking Shelby to give us a minute. Canyon followed and closed the door behind him.
I was already pulling the CD from my computer, and then out of nowhere, I turned and threw it at him.
"You just left! After everything we have been through and all the times you swore you could never walk away from me you left! I know what you have on your shoulders, and I could have been there for you, but you didn't want me. So why now? Why—"
"You know what I am dealing with? How? Brooke has been with me."
BAM! Just like that it was me that was slapped with the reality of the situation. She was with him the whole time. That's why he didn't need me.
"Why did you bother coming to me that night? Why send the song? I am so lost right now."
"So am I. How do you know?"
"I saw your truck that day and went to your house. I heard the two of you fighting and waited for you to call that night. I welcomed you into my bed and begged you to talk to me. Never once did I think about me. I wanted to help you! And I have sat back and waited this whole time for you to come to me!"
"I'm here now."
"Now isn't good enough, Canyon! You left me…"
I broke. The strength I had worn for weeks had been shattered. Embarrassed, I covered my face to hide my tears. It shouldn't have been about me, but I couldn't help how I felt.
He was pulling my hand away, stripping me of the only privacy I had access to.
"I don't know what you heard, but I am here to tell you. And about that night, I needed you like I need air to breathe, Ari. I never used you, even if that's how it felt. My world was crashing down around me, and I just needed to be in a place that was nothing but certainty and love. Because I lo
ve you, and I need you to love me too."
"You left with her."
"I know I did, but not for the reasons you think. We did some research, and there is a specialist in Dallas that handles cases like ours. She came with me so we could meet with him."
"Why didn't you call?"
"Honestly? Because I knew you wouldn't want to hear it. You want to stay as far away from anything that has to do with my son, and I get it."
"Canyon, you're having a son. Whatever I said before was wrong. I don't want anything to happen to the baby. How could you think I would be so cold?"
He pulled my arm to the bed and we both sat down ready to hear one another out.
"My son is dying, Ari, before he ever gets to take his first breath. He probably never will get to. I don't even know if he still has a heartbeat. I don't know anything."
He looked away and then turned back to me.
"She is refusing to listen, and now she won't even let a doctor near her. I don't know what to do, and I hate that she feels like I just want him to die. That's the last thing I want!"
I pulled him to me and wrapped my arms around him. He wasn't the monster she was making him feel like, but I understood her need to protect her baby too.
"Can I ask what's wrong with him?"
He took a deep breath in and held it before he blew it out and looked me in the eye.
"This is so hard to say."
"You don't have to..."
"We went for the ultrasound. It was supposed to be a great day, right? Every parent just assumes the baby is healthy. I mean who thinks they're going to find out something is wrong with their baby? You go to see it and find out the sex. That’s it. You don't want the tech to leave the room or the doctor to come in and look for five minutes before he asks to speak with you in his office. That's not what you are there for. But that's what we got. The baby's head is really small, his fists are clinched, and his feet are rounded. The doctor said these are all signs of Edward’s syndrome. It's trisomy 18, which means there were three copies of the nineteenth chromosome."
"Oh my God, Canyon. I am so sorry."
Let it be Us Page 8
