I didn't understand any of the medical terms he used, but it all sounded so bad.
"The worst part is the doctor recommended an amniocentesis to confirm. Brooke fought me, but I talked her into it by setting up an appointment with one of the top specialists in the country. It was confirmed. He has it, and there is nothing good that can come from this. She won't listen to reason. Most babies with this die before birth, and ninety percent of the ones that make it die within the first year. All the doctors we have seen recommend termination, but she refuses. I can't do this. I can’t go every day knowing he may already be dead and she won't get checked. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, but we have to let him go."
"Oh, my God. I know sorry isn't even close to being enough, but I don't know what else to say."
"Can you please just let me kiss you? I need to know that I still can. That you haven't given up on me."
There was no hesitation. I brought my lips to his and poured every ounce of love I had for that man into it. No one should have to go through this. And for the first time, I wanted to hug Brooke too. Nightmares can be reality, and they were living proof.
Chapter 15
We knew there was a lot more to discuss, but neither of us were willing to ignore Shelby to accomplish it. Now that he was home, time was on our side.
Canyon had the idea to take Shelby out for dinner, letting it be her choice, and Shelby jumped at the chance to spend more time with him. I wasn't sure he knew what he was in for, but his smile came unexpectedly. We ended up with three Happy Meals just so that she could get all the Monster High toys.
Canyon was cracking me up as we sat inside the place. He started to wad paper and roll it into little balls with his fingers as we ate. Shelby had no idea what was coming before he began shooting them out of his straw at us. I ducked, but Shelby didn't seem to figure out how to dodge them quick enough. She was hit four times before she grabbed the straw out of her drink in frustration, wadded up the wrapper, and attempted to blow it like he was doing. I died laughing when the paper, now wet, stayed in the straw, but Canyon was sprayed with the liquid that was left in it.
"Uugghh!"
She giggled while he grabbed for napkins to wipe his face.
"You think that's funny?"
He threw a French fry at her. The look on her face was priceless as she processed the fact he threw food. Picking up a fry, she stared at it for a second before she threw it at him hitting him in the nose.
"That's it!"
Handfuls of food were flying in the air, but the three of us didn't care. It was a carefree moment we hadn't had in weeks. Every fry on the table was now scattered on the floor as the three of us laughed uncontrollably.
"Hey! You're going to be cleaning that up, you know!"
Canyon looked at the employee with a smile. "Good luck getting me to do that, Drew. This is payback for are the fumbles you made on the field."
Drew apparently knew exactly what Canyon meant.
"Just get out of here. I'll do it."
"Thanks, man, I owe you one."
I glanced back at Shelby, and she had her head down in shame. Looking over at Canyon I noticed he saw the same thing I did. Picking her up from her chair, he threw her over his shoulder and started tickling her. Bursts of laughter came back, and the two of us couldn't contain ourselves at the sound as we ran from the building to the truck.
After we were all buckled in and pulling out of the parking lot, I turned to ask Shelby what she wanted to do next when she looked at me shocked and blurted out, "I totally forgot to ask! Is it a boy or girl?"
My head spun in Canyon's direction having no way to prepare an answer. The question was thrown out there and one we had to answer.
"The baby's a boy."
"What's his name?"
His shoulders went up as he cringed.
"We really haven't decided on one yet."
"Well, I think you should name him Chance."
Canyon's eyes went wide while I spun back around to ask, "Why would you pick that name?"
"I read a book in class and the boy’s name was Chance. I like it."
If she only knew how much that name hit the nail on the head.
"I think we should leave naming him to his mom and dad, Shelby."
"I was just saying I like it. They don't have to use it. Gosh!"
Shelby folded her arms across her chest while Canyon stayed quiet for the rest of the ride to the house.
I didn't know how to break the tension, but the time made it easier.
"Shelby, it's almost eight o'clock. You need to shower and get ready for bed."
"I know." She dragged it out like a smart aleck song. I wanted to tell her to lose the attitude, but how was she supposed to react? She knew we were acting weird and keeping something from her.
After she walked into the house, I turned back to Canyon.
"Do you need to go home?"
He walked toward me as he said, "I'm home when I'm with you. All of that can wait."
"Is she there?"
His feet stopped moving once they were directly in front of mine, and the look in his eyes was almost painful.
"No. She drove back to school the second we landed."
"Tell me the truth, Canyon. Why didn't you call me?"
He took my hand and started pulling me toward the house.
"I will talk to you once we're inside."
Two hours later, Shelby was asleep, and Canyon and I were laying on my bed.
"Holding you feels so good. I missed you so much."
"If that's the truth, you could have picked up the phone. I still don't get it. Do you have any idea how much that hurt me?"
He brushed my hair behind my ear as my head laid on his chest.
"You and I have never seen each other at our worst. When I break down, I lose it, Ari. I need to be left alone, I need space, but mostly I needed to not feel. My whole world is turned upside down right now, and I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I need you to understand that it wasn't about us."
Flashbacks of Brooke telling me about how he handled his mother's death came rushing back. She was the one who was there for him, and even though he was telling me the truth, it wasn't about us, a pang of jealousy hit me again that it was her instead of me that comforted him. I know I shouldn't have felt it, but I did regardless. He just didn't need to know.
"I don't know what to say. I mean, I know it wasn't, but I still wanted to be there for you, and I couldn't."
"You're here now. That's all I need. You are what I need."
"My mom is in Minnesota."
"What?"
He sat up, stirring me from the comfort I had laying on him.
"She's in a medical center there and wants Shelby and me to visit."
"When are you going?"
"I'm not."
"What do you mean you're not?"
"As simple as the words are defined. I'm not going."
"Why not? Don't you want answers? This is your chance."
"She walked away and never looked back over eight years ago. Why should I listen to anything she has to say now?"
"Look me in the eye and tell me you don't want to know why. That you don't have a million questions or at least want closure."
"I don't care to listen to her excuses. Nothing she can say will take back the fact she did nothing while he did everything. I just can't."
"You are stronger than this, darlin’. Give yourself the credit. I know you need this, and I want you to go. Shelby doesn't need to know anything. She can stay with me, but you need to do this."
"Canyon..."
"Don't let this chance go. You need to do it."
I looked away from him trying to decide if he was right. Did I need this, or had I already found closure?
"You will stay with Shelby? Where would I say I was going?"
"I hadn't thought about that. Hmm, maybe we can say you are going there for school. She wouldn't know college students
don't have field trips."
"I feel like all I've been doing is lying to her lately."
"There's a difference between lying to get away with something and protecting the heart of the ones you love the most."
"Thank you for that."
"Thank you for being you."
Chapter 16
Telling Shelby was easier than I thought when she learned Canyon was letting her stay with him for the weekend. She almost made me feel unwanted with the way she jumped up and down and screamed. Her love for him was undeniable, and I knew she would be fine without me.
My flight was booked, and I just needed to get through my classes before I headed to the airport. When school ended, I was slapped with the reality of what was in front of me. I was going to see my mother. It’s kind of funny how the brain can be controlled at times. If we know it isn’t positive, we can block it out and not dwell. Lord knows I needed that because this was something I really had no desire to do and frankly dreaded.
Once I got to my truck, I turned on the radio and rested my head back, closing my eyes. When I finally convinced myself that however I felt didn't matter, I needed to do this for Shelby, I was ready to leave. Leaning forward to turn the key I glanced back up and the world stopped turning. Right in front of me, sitting in the common area, was Brooke. It was the first time I had seen her on campus. Grabbing the door handle, I was ready on impulse to go talk to her but something stopped me. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Tonya. She was obviously on a mission with the way she was storming toward where Brooke was sitting. It made no sense. What could she have to be mad about? But then again, it was Brooke.
Before Tonya even got to her she was screaming. I couldn't hear what it was about, but I was jumping from my truck and running before my mind caught up.
"Hey!"
Both girls turned to look at me as I finished my way to them.
"Whatever your deal is, you need to leave her alone."
Shock was written on both their faces. Hell, I'm sure it was on mine too.
"Arianna, you need to stay out of this!" Tonya snapped at me while Brooke sat back saying nothing.
"No, you need to walk away. You know nothing about what she's dealing with, and you're not going to stand here screaming at her."
"You think you know it all, but you don't know shit. Why don't you tell her, Brooke?"
I looked at Brooke but never met her eyes. She stared at the ground practically begging for it to swallow her whole.
"Clearly I don't need to know. What I care about is you leaving her alone."
Tonya tipped her head back and started laughing.
"You know what? You deserve each other. If you're that stupid, that you would stick up for the one person who would kill you in your sleep if she had the chance, then so be it. Both of you can live in misery, but I'm done."
She walked away about ten steps before she turned back to say, "You know what you're doing is wrong, Brooke. It's time you stop hurting everyone around you to get your way." Then she walked away for good.
I glanced back at Brooke who was looking at me like I was a chicken with its head cut off.
"Why would you do that?"
"Do what? Keep her from yelling at you? Look, we haven't always seen eye to eye, but what you are having to go through I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. You don't need any added stress."
She paused, and then what came out was something I never would have expected her to ask me.
"What would you do if you were me?"
I had no way of knowing; I wasn't a mom yet.
"I can't answer that. I really don't know."
"Yeah, me either."
She looked away from me, and I knew it was my time to leave. Without another word, I walked back to my truck and headed home.
The entire drive back my mind went over my answer to her. Should I have sided with Canyon and maybe helped her to make a decision? The answer is no. I loved him and wanted his pain to be gone, but I couldn't tell a mother to end her unborn child’s life. It was just wrong.
After I grabbed my suitcase from the house, I drove to Canyon's to say my goodbyes. Leaving Shelby was awful. She and I had never been separated, but it was clear she didn't share my feelings.
"Stop kissing and hugging me, Arianna!"
"I'm going to miss you. You could at least act like you will miss me too."
"It's only a few days, and I get to stay here. I'm going to be fine, stop worrying."
I looked up at Canyon and caught the corner of his mouth twitch. He was holding back his smile. Walking over to him, I grabbed his shirt and pulled him to me.
"You think I'm pathetic, don't you?"
"No, darlin’, I think you're adorable."
He bent down to scoop me up into his arms. "You're nervous, I get it, but you can do this. We're going to be just fine."
He knew me too well.
"I know you guys will."
He set me down, and I looked back at Shelby ready to give her another reason to be excited.
"Are you ready to get that cast off next week? When I get back on Monday I'm going to pick you up early from school. It's going to be so different seeing you walk without swinging that leg like a wild woman."
Her expression wasn't one I expected.
"I kinda like it."
"What?"
"I get to be the helper at school, and everyone is jealous. When they take it off I have to go back to being just like them, and that's gonna suck."
"Shelby! That's crazy. You don't want to run and play with your friends?"
"Not really. This is cooler."
"Well, too bad. You're getting it off when I get back."
"Well I don't want to."
"All right, you two," Canyon cut in. "You need to kiss your sister goodbye so she doesn't miss her flight. And you're going to be home before you know it. You can argue about this then."
We both huffed but let it go to give genuine hugs and kisses before I walked to my truck to leave. Canyon followed me while Shelby went out to the barn.
"Hey."
He grabbed my hand, and I was spinning until I was face to face with him. After a long pause of looking into my eyes he said, "I love you. You're going to get what you need from this; I just know it."
I needed his confidence.
"I really hope you're right. I can't handle another let down. I'm just not equipped to deal with more."
"Half of that is my fault. What you need is to remember that. All the stress you're under isn't your problem, it's mine. You have to let it go."
I almost blurted out about seeing Brooke earlier but kept it to myself. He was kind of right. This was their… I don't even know what to call it, because problem would never be the right word when talking about a baby.
"I just want you to be happy. That's something that will never change so you can stop trying."
He bumped my nose with his in an upward motion, making me on instinct raise my chin for him to kiss me.
"Call me when you land, okay?"
He patted my butt to scoot me along then closed the door for me once I was inside, tapping the hood two times before I backed out and was on my way to see the mother who never was one.
Chapter 17
The airport was crowded, leaving nowhere to sit but against the windows on the floor once I reached my gate inside the terminal. TSA was a nightmare getting through so I was one of the last people to get their boarding pass. When it came time to find a seat on the flight I was lucky enough to get one next to a couple with their tablet already out and headphones on. At least they wouldn't want to talk to me, because I was in no place to chit-chat. I refused anything to drink in case the need to vomit emerged. Nothing about this trip was going well, so of course my anxiety was through the roof.
What was I going to even say to her? Why was she in a hospital to begin with? Was she ill? They were all questions I needed answers to, and they were going to be coming in a matter of hours.
I only brou
ght a carry-on with me so when we were allowed to exit the plane I had nothing left as a barrier to prolong this. I hailed a cab and read the letter for the address to give the driver.
Canyon and I had discussed getting a hotel room, but I wasn't sure how meeting with her was going to go, and that alone would determine if I planned to spend the night in this town. I made sure that I only bought a one-way ticket—that way when I was ready to leave, it was a simple trip back to the airport to purchase a ticket for the first flight out. Yes, my instincts were to run. I had fought long enough, and I simply wanted it to be over.
Minneapolis was a city that reminded me a lot of Baltimore. The high-rises dwarfed the smaller business suites resting below them. City streets were packed with traffic as people traveled to and from work. The flashbacks weren't welcoming ones. Everything about that part of my life I wanted buried beneath the comfort I found in the country, in Canyon.
"That will be twenty-six dollars."
I was snapped out of my thoughts by the sound of the cab driver’s voice. Looking around, I was surprised we weren't parked in front of a hospital. A medical building that stood two stories high sums up the description.
I was completely confused as I reached in my purse and grabbed thirty-five dollars in cash, handed it to the driver, grabbed my bag, and got out as it sped away.
Standing there looking up, I couldn't believe where I was. I had been trying to prepare for how I would feel or even how to handle this moment but nothing worked. Minutes stood between me confronting the woman who abandoned Shelby and me years ago.
I considered leaving before I ever took a step forward.
Canyon's words resonated within me, and I knew in that moment he was right. I needed answers, and the only way I was going to get them was to quit being a chicken shit. One step led to another, and within seconds I was standing at a counter waiting for the woman seated behind it to get off the phone. Tapping my fingers on the wood below them I looked around. It wasn't a hospital at all but more a comforting space. Couches were placed facing a large stone fireplace that reached the ceiling. A TV rested in the corner making me more confused than ever.
"Can I help you?"
I didn't pull my eyes from the space while I answered.
Let it be Us Page 9
